Is it over?

Hi guys, some remember my earlier threads about a cap man behaving strange. I kept going though, despite your warnings. He kept behaving bipolar, one day ok, the next would freak out over nothing, one day giving, the next taking away. I had many concerns from the start but also liked us in the good moments.

We spoke last Friday and seemingly agreed on things. Spent a very nice day and a half full of understanding and warmth and he left for 2 hours, then came to pick me up to to go out. I was not completely ready and he freaked out again. Now I am like a soldier normally but as he is always late I dont rush any more cos then have to wait for him with my shoes on. He acted like a 3rd WW happened and was even about to leave. I stayed calm and just told him he was acting crasy. He calmed a bit in the car and honestly everything was so absurd that I was not even angry and told him so. But also told him I could not keep doing it any more. My life is busy and stressful enough and I cant handle more stress in personal life. We had diner with his sister and at some point he put his hand on my back and almost squeezed, which hurt and I told him. Later he kissed me but I was cold as I could not just let go all that happened. On the way back he hold my hand, gave me his gloves, etc. In front of his place he asked if I was coming upstairs, I said no and he drove me home. Aaaand went on with his stupid behaviour. I told him he should see a doctor but was absolutely calm and almost laughing at the absurdness and childishness of his behaviour.
He said we must talk as it was not working. I just asked "To talk again?!". Then asked if he was coming with me or would keep playing this game. He was like "Not a game any more". I said "Ok, thanks for nice evening" and went home.

And that is it! This happened 8 days ago and no sign from him.

I am angry and almost clear I have to put an end. But I miss him of course. Just wonder, could he not call at all any more?

Hm, this will be the most civilized break up in the world if he never calls as we did not have a fight at all. I acted more like a mother disappointed by her child`s behaviour..

Good grief, that guy has some issues!! Do yourself a favor and go find yourself a man who doesn't act like a whiny 5-rear-old. No one needs that drama & stress in their life.

But Asha you were warned and you took him on anyway. What exactly do you need help with? Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm so not attempting to mock you or make you feel bad. I'm more so curious about what you need help with. You know he's strange, I believe you said he had an awful temper but you stuck it out anyway only to come back full circle having to once again decide to end it with him.

The thing about people with personality disorders is that the good side will absolutely HOOK a woman in but the bad will always exceed the good but the good is so good that she feels she must hang in there because she's addicted to the la la land moments she share with him, and a lot of women opt to stay, stick out because she doesn't get that she's being manipulated and played with emotionally and it's completely okay with him because it means nothing to him.

Physical, mental, emotional abusers all do the same thing, essentially hooks his prey (the woman) in with the good persona only to turn around and mistreat, neglect, abuse her in some way with the(THE REAL HIM/THE REAL PERSONA) only to turn around and lure her back in with the la la land behavior...It's a continuous cycle that almost never ends because the la la land friendly loving him is a FAKE, it's not the real him, he know if he show you his real self, the disordered him 100% of the time you would have left yesterday so men like him have to THROW in the la la land persona to keep you there so he can continue with the roller coaster bipolar behavior. Bipolar men (unmedicated) thrive off of conflict and chaos.

Stop basing your decision to stay on the good or you'll never get away from this guy, you have to be honest and use a some logic and objectivity or you'll stay in it just to get those measly la la land moments. It's not worth it, it's not worth your sanity.

You are confusing to me, so I can only imagine what he's thinking. He's a nutcase, with a temper. You KNOW this, and refuse to just drop him. It seems you keep telling him "i can't do this anymore" as if your attempting to control him or his behavior. That's not going to work, and it hasn't worked. Figure out what you want first. You want him IN or OUT of your life? Do you want him in as a lover or a friend? Can you deal with or accept this behavior from him all the time?

If you say you don't want to stress then drop him and stop wondering why he's not contacting you. Believe it or not, your behavior and indecisiveness will only make him MORE angry.

And honestly, if I left somebody 2hrs ago, came back, and they still were not ready I'd probably flip a bit too.

Hey Asha. I'm just curious what it is about this guy that you miss? What could possibly be so good about him that you are even contemplating and possibly worrying about if this is "the end" instead of sighing that you've been given an opportunity to lessen the burden of your already busy and stressful life by one less unpredictable emotionally draining individual?

Hi guys. Why do I do this? I realise he has issues but there is something in him, which feels very familiar, almost homy. May be cos he is as good in the good moments and less bad in the bad ones than was my father, so I guess he meets some sick emotional needs of mine. I like him when he is good and hope that he will change his bad temper for me 🙂. I realise this is rather unrealistic and stupid. But also I dont think he is intentionally mean or bad or a user. He is egoistic, spoiled, impatient, insecure, immature and bad mannered in times. I still could love him if he changed his temper.

Now I struggle all my life to overcome this bad experience I had in childehood and I think I have succeeded. I will definitely not accept a life in extremes cos I dont want to and cannot afford it. But I also know people can change if they so wish (if I have everyone can). It is up to him, I am prepared to go on with my life without him.

My question was actually, based on astrology, could it be that he is done already? More out of curiosity than anything else cos if he is done, I am definitely done too. I may consider giving the relationship another chance depending on what conclusion he would come to.

He will only change if given the motivation to do so. That motivation is always discomfort. Pain. No one is motivated to change anything thats good. So, I doubt he will change unless he feels like he has lost something he values or feels he will. If you stay, he hasnt lost. You are holding onto a fantasy that he will change. YOU be the change you will to see in this world.

He is gone anyhow, so this may be a moot point. Remember your value, for if YOU do not, he certainly will not.

Scientific fact, a person is not capable of changing ingrained traits past age 18 and you're pertty much born with 50% of what you were handed down genetically, so..does he have "bipolar/clinically depressed" blood relatives? Are you prepared to spend your life with someone who needs to be on medications all the time (provided this is not a personality disorder) and at risk of going nuts every other week? If it's a personality disorder and you don't have one, you will never win. The only way a grown person can change (and it will require heavy duty work) is if they want to and it will never be for someone else, it only has to be for their own wish to change, kinda like alcoholics and drug addicts. Just sayin'..

People are perfectly capable of changing, this I know from experience. But it is true they have to feel sort of uncomfort to be motivated to do so. I am not talking here major alterations in personality or character but more about behavioral habits.

The man is not ill as far as I know and I am not aware of a history of illness in his family.

In any case I somehow expected he would give me a sign today that I am more important than his stupid power games but ...

I guess he has his reasons to end it and I am not going to ask what they are.

"some sick emotional needs of mine. I like him when he is good and hope that he will change his bad temper for me . I realise this is rather unrealistic and stupid. But also I dont think he is intentionally mean or bad or a user. He is egoistic, spoiled, impatient, insecure, immature and bad mannered in times. I still could love him if he changed his temper."

Yeah this is what women say when they love men that are mean, abusive jerks. You do realize you sound a tad bit like an abused woman, I won't take this out of context but I did see a little bit of that in your statement.

Accept him as he is, he won't change, he's in his what 30's or 40's, he is who he is, so you have a choice, you can accept him as he is, bad temper, spoiled, impatient, insecure, immature and bad mannered or it's time to walk away. Cause you sound desperate to have a man, any man in your life or you would've been gone so he's not the problem, YOU ARE. You want him to be something he's not, he's not patient, he's an egoistic immature insecure spoiled bad mannered man that has a few good moments, if the only reason you are staying is for those crumbs of good moments then what does that say about you?

He's intentionally mean, he is who he is, so you can accept he is, go with the flow and use up a huge amount of your energy trying to manage him and coexist with his poor behavior or you can jump ship and save yourself.

"Now I struggle all my life to overcome this bad experience I had in childehood and I think I have succeeded. I will definitely not accept a life in extremes cos I dont want to and cannot afford it. But I also know people can change if they so wish (if I have everyone can). It is up to him, I am prepared to go on with my life without him."

He won't change for you, he most likely doesn't think anything is wrong with him, most people with personality disorders, mental disorders don't think they should change because who he or she is IS NORMAL for them so inevitably you'll be the one twisting yourself up trying to coexist with his abnormal personality, many women find themselves losing themselves in this kind of relationship because it's so high maintenance, emotionally draining and difficult to be YOU and still exist as a separate entity around men like him because a lot of the time it's always about HIM HIM HIM and your side of the relationship were he's tending to you, focusing on you begins to dwindle and at some point ceases to exist that's so many women get out, it's beyond loving him, it's about loving herself, no longer allowing herself to be consumed by his up and down bipolar roller coaster madness.

"My question was actually, based on astrology, could it be that he is done already? More out of curiosity than anything else cos if he is done, I am definitely done too. I may consider giving the relationship another chance depending on what conclusion he would come to."

You still don't get it...Does it matter? His crazy ass will be back if that's what you really wanna know. You are not done even if it's done, you said that last time and you went back, be more honest with yourself about this man, you love his crazy erractic bipolar ass and you want to stick it out, you're just trying to find a way to manage crazy and you can't.

He' not gone, he'll back back and you'll be back here complaining about what happened. Just accept you chose a man that reflects your past and for whatever reason you won't leave him alone.

Posted by BigGirlPanties
He will only change if given the motivation to do so. That motivation is always discomfort. Pain. No one is motivated to change anything thats good. So, I doubt he will change unless he feels like he has lost something he values or feels he will. If you stay, he hasnt lost. You are holding onto a fantasy that he will change. YOU be the change you will to see in this world.

He is gone anyhow, so this may be a moot point. Remember your value, for if YOU do not, he certainly will not.

+1+1

Thanks guys, exactly what I needed, a shake-up.

Problem is as time passes by I remember the good stuff and start missing it more. Also I was not prepared for this as I did not consider breaking up, although there were issues. This caught me off guard I guess.

For sometime now he gave signs our relationship was too much for him to handle, "on top" of problems in his life like difficult daughter, a mother, property disputes with ex, work (although flexi time) aaaand a hobby (music). So all my needs, requests or complaints came as extra stress for him and he would easily loose temper and start shouting. He did not handle well also my relative unavailability and admitted that not seeing each other long made him nervous. And he is like that, would rather give things up than persist and try work them out.

Tiki, that is it, I know that I choose men who reflects my past. I cannot get pass this sick need, I aclnowledge it and almost give up fighting it. I cannot be with a man who cannot resist my tendancy to walk all over him. The resemblance of this man to my father was what hooked me. Do not know how to overcome this.