Just how slow do cap guys like to go??

Ive been dating/seeing my cap guy for just coming up to 8 weeks. Things have been very slow (never experienced anything as slow as this before with a guy!)He even said to me quite early on that he likes to take things slowly, which is fine as Im a cap and can appreciate that. We see each other usually 2-3 times per week and text or ring each other every day (somes talking on the phone for up to an hour).

We have had a slight blip where I upset him and he backed off a bit but things are slowly getting back on track (touch wood! ) Anyway, I have to admit that Im starting to feel a little frustrated! Im thinking will things ever develop into us being an official item or not? I guess 8 weeks is not that long but I really dislike the constant uncertainty off not knowing where im at with him! I wouldnt dare ask him as from what Ive read that would make him back off so Im just going woth the flow but as I say Im getting frustrated!

Is this typical of a cap guy? Can anyone offer and pearls of wisdom or similar experiences? How long do cap guys normally take to move to relationship stage?

I have been dateing Leo Lady for 23 years she was 15 I was 20 we may kiss next year.

ha 😉 However, if that is an indication I guess I better get myself queuing at the patience store

SB PHLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL


Jamcan thank you for telling the truth.

LOL@James Tate.....he's telling the truth....believe him...That is the reality, very very very slow

A suggestion Grace is to stick with your routine, if your dating other men, hanging with the girls, whatever you usually do to pass time stick with it, don't give up an ounce of your life until your sure he's sure about you. Your right as to not push but don't hold your breath waiting, it will just cause more frustration and create tension and distance....Uncertainty is pretty much the norm with some Cap men....some women can deal with it, some can't....gotta figure out which one of those women your going to be in this situation, once you decide then you can relax a little....GREAT LOVERS very slow with love.

Let's say...

The CAP I dated... last year when we met first, he was pretty fast in wanting to introduce to his family, talking about marriage, wanting to go to travels... he was FAST!! Too fast!

This time around... he protested less... it felt more real... but not only the speed went way down... also .. it felt like we started from - 20 % knowing each other. It wasn't point zero... it was more like less than zero


super slow

James Tate's story is crazy if true. My venus is in cap and I move uber slow too.

don't get too hung up in him, Grace.

You might be surprised in what you may find out.

I'm a non-believer of too long waits. sorry -- the guy better knows where he stands and not waste my time for 27 years only to realize that I am not the one for him. Take it or leave it! Make it work at its time. If things are meant to change after years... then he deal with it then

AND he best DEAL with what he has NOW to offer.

anyway...

just a word of advice if you don't have that patient anymore... if you are on the edge of waiting still not know... if things JUST don't feel right

Im really trying to be patient but Im really wondering if Im cut our for this. I like him soo much and its great when we are together but then im just left with this constant uncertainly that is driving me innsane!

We seen each other 2 night ago, had a great time and he text me when he got home thanking me for the night and saying he had enjoyed seeing me. Now he has gone all distant and doing a diappearing act on me! I text him yesterday lunch time and he didnt reply until after 10pm last night acting all normal! Now Ive text this morning and he hasnt replied- now Ive read about cap guys doing this sort of thing too but this is the first Ive experienced of him not getting back to me! This behaviour makes me worry incase he isnt interested any more and I start driving myself crazy overanalyising everything when he could be just going about his routine very happy!

I really wonder if I should cut my losses and run, as Im so scared that Im going to get hurt!

I should of also added that he has been ringing me all week and seemed to be great and then this sudden turn around - I think I need therapy!!!! lol

Thanks so much for all your comments guys - im so pleased I have found this board!

Grace in my experience most Capricorn males are leaders, they like to lead and when you text him out of the blue it's as if your chasing him, NOW I AM NOT INSINUATING THAT IS WHAT YOUR DOING but it certainly can make a man feel that your too needy....My suggestion is to slow down, breathe, go on about your day, let him come to you more than you go to him, it will work out better that way for you....It's been a couple months, I think it's a bit too soon to be this forward, let the relationship become stronger first, now that you see he's not responding to you initiating, initiate LESS and that can and will alleviate the anxiety...Cap men will initiate more if you initiate less.

If a capricorn male isn't interested in you he will not waste his time with you at all. He's interested but your allowing the uncertainty to drive you up the wall and that will only create more insecurities and anxiousness on your part, inevitably he's going to feel like your lack of confidence is unattractive and see you as too much work, too needy, too much of all the things that turn a man off....So again, breathe, chill out, do your daily life in a secure way, not an unsure way and that will create some ease and bring him closer...the more anxious you are the less he's going to want to be around you...these Cap men are keen on picking up weaknesses and tend to sit back away from that kind of energy....Show you are independent which is fiercely attractive to Capricorn men, not independent in a I don't need a man kind of way but independent as in I'm busy, I love my life, I'm happy with how my life is with or without you but I love having you around kind of attitude.

Hid post due to typo's

In order to be with a Capricorn you have to be patient, it takes years for the exterior wall to be penetrated (some women never penetrate that wall) but once you do it will be the best thing you have ever experienced in your entire life....

be patient, go do what you always did before he showed up in your life and try to find new things that your interested, that will keep you focused on yourself...I find that Cap men are very independent some are even what they call lone wolf's, which means he' s focused on himself, his work, his family, hobbies, friends, than anything or anyone else and then lastly love, that's why it doesn't seem like such a priority for him because it's not, your probably the opposite, more focused on love, family, friends, work, hobbies (or some variation of that) but love may most likely is a top priority for you but for him a low priority...by understanding him you will have hopefully developed grasped a better understanding of how he prioritizes his life which should create less anxiety, it's not that he isn't interested in you it's just that his interest is most likely much higher towards say word, family, friends than it is having a relationship, that's not necessarily a bad thing, it just means you will have to slow down, be patient and focus more on your own life rather than him.

Yes, I can totally see what you are saying and understand. But what is throwing me is that this is out of character for him to ignore me texts. We have both always text each other daily - sometimes him initiating and sometimes me. So I guess what Im trying to say is that me texting him like that is no different to what we have done for the past 8 weeks. I never ring him, he will always ring me. Maybe I just need to do as you say and take a step back and slow down.

I know I need to try and stop driving myself mad but its so hard to think of anything else.

I just hope that if he was no longer interested that he would be up front and say so rather than just start to act all weird and distant with me! This makes it so hard as Im not into playing games and I would be so tempted to contact him and be forthright and ask what is going on but I have gut instinct not to do that!

Im not going to contact him now, I will just have to see what happens and find something else to chew instead of my nails!

Actually it's not out of character, I say this b/c this is has been my very same experience, it changes back to more attentive LATER down the line when he's sure your not going to latch onto him like he's the reason you breathe....Give him his space for independence and you will begin to see him move closer to you....backwards but it's true....In my experience with cap men I know they are very honest, sometimes too honest, if he wasn't interested in you anymore you would be the first to know, I have been were you are, heed my advice, slow down, breathe, force yourself to stop fixating on this man or you risk losing him, don't make him more important than you, that's when women feel neglected, she's making a man her whole life and because she's behaving that way she expects a man to save her from her fears and nurture her and if a slight change happens she's losing her mind over it and that's a sign of emotional immaturity, something that can actually be fixed by you if your willing to work through your discomfort and take care of yourself on your own...being insecure destroys relationships, practice being more confident within yourself by not trying to manage and foresee the future with this man, it will lessen your anxiety and also help the relationship to maintain closeness.....If you get on this insecure ride around him you will lose him not because he doesn't want you but because your insecurities will push him away. Don't make anyone more important than you or you risk losing yourself in the relationship which it seems you are.

He's behaving IMO like a normal cap, they get a bit hot and cold in intimate relationships but it doesn't mean he's leaving/moving on, he's just making sure not to make you more important than you should be. Once it's clear your the one, your going to stay in his life you will see a change in behavior but he will still be independent and prioritize his life around you, once he begins to prioritize his life with you then you can say for sure he's not going anywhere, it hasn't been long enough to do that with you yet.

Tikki33 - How come you are so wise??!!

OK, I can hear what you say. So Im just going to try and get on with my own thing. Do I put any time limit on this? Friday was the last time I spoke to him and its Sunday now - The reason I ask is I just dont want to be still wondering what is happening several days down the line. Or do I just sit it out?

Also if he does get in touch how do I respond?? Do I mention the fact that he has just disappeared on me or just act as if everything is normal? why is this sooo much hard work?!

I dunno Grace....Your too into this guy....What I mean is your creating anxiety because somehow along the way you have made him the most important person in what it seems your whole life and that is recipe for FAILURE with a Cap man....You can't pretend to not care, you can't pretend to not be that involved nor pretend to be patient, that just creates more anxiety which again is a recipe for failure....I can't do the work for you, I can make all the sense in the world but if your not seriously attempting to get back into YOU, into your own life I don't see this working out because inevitably resentment will build, made up fears and anxiety can cripple you emotionally and push you to blurt it all out over onto him, he'll not understand were all this anxiety and fear is coming from and he will back out of getting to know you, be close to you, he's most likely already feeling the pressure and that's why he's not responding and initiating as to give you some emotional space to cool down.

Speeding up to the end is NOT FUN for some men, the whole getting to know you phase is a slow but fun process if you allow it to be....I'm not sure if your feelings come from not dating at all until this guy showed up or maybe you haven't had male companionship in a really long time and feel anxious over it, whatever the case your coming off here as needy and desperate and clingy over this man and that's another recipe for failure.

Please go and focus on yourself, I know there is something you love to do that keeps your mind busy on that certain thing. Who were you and what were you doing before he showed up? Go back to that, he's going to be around, he may not be there the way you want him to be but he's clearly taking an active interest in getting to know you....A healthy man will not rush into a relationship, he just won't allow himself to rush, an emotionally unhealthy man will push and rush and force his way into a woman's life in some way...This guy seems to be patient which means he must be a great catch.

Have you ever considered your not the only woman in his life and that's why he seems less anxious getting to the next level with you? So he's not in a hurry to couple up, either he's dating other women or he's just exercising strong patience....Whatever the case go date, go live your life, go have fun, focus on you, what you want to do in a week, what dates you have going on in the calender for the month, where you have to be tomorrow.

Sitting around biting your nails, thinking I wonder why he hasn't called, I wonder what he's doing, I wonder who he's with, Why hasn't he asked me out? I wonder if he likes me, I wonder if he's going to dump me...HIM HIM HIM, that's ugly, that's not attractive behavior...Chasing a man with through your energy/thoughts is a recipe for failure....It won't work if you don't stop behaving this way, no man wants to be your sole reason for living/happiness...THAT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE and when you behave this way that's exactly what your saying to him through your energy, YOU HAVE NO LIFE, HE IS YOUR LIFE and he will distance himself longer and longer until poof he's gone....desperation is not attractive, get up today and go have a bit of relaxing fun...

Good advice Tiki -- like always *

Well, I took your advice and havent contacted him at all. Then, guess what - he text me this afternoon and then rang me. He came over mine tonight and we watched a DVD!!

But Im realising that this is a common theme now when we are apart I go into melt down with the uncertainty so Im going to take on board what you have said. Im going to back off just a touch, let him do the initiating and immerse myself in my own things this week! ive got lots going on anyway so good timing!

I have lots of dating/relationship experience but Ive liked this guy a long time and I feel like im starting to fall for him hence the anxiety. But im reigning it in!!

:-)

@Jamaicancancer - thanks. Im just feeling really down and fed up of it really. I totally get what Tikki says but I also have the feeling it is more about the whole sex issue that I explained in my other post. The past few days he has def reduced his contact with me in terms of texting etc and I have too. We spoke last night and I invited him for dinner one night this week. he has rang me tonight to say could he give it a miss tonight as he was really tired from work etc but he said he would come on Thursday instead. I had asked if he wanted to do something instead of eating in but he started saying he wouldnt want a late night, might not get in until late so could we just go with dinner at home - but these things have never bothered him before. I did say to him if he didnt want to come then he didn't have to and it was fine - he said if he didnt want to come then he would say.

I kind of feel like I need to have a conversation with him about everything including the whole sex thing - we havent slept together since (havent really had the opportunity) but he is quite hesitant in being affectionate with me etc now and Im wondering if its all on his mind stil and I wnder if he is worried about crossing a line/what is appropriate etc

He has also said tonight that he has been really stressed at work at the moment, and hasnt been sleeping well. Im aware cap guys tend to get really preoccupied with stuff like that.

Intuitively I just feel like there is something wrong...things have only changed since the sex incident so cant help but think it is still affecting him.

I would just hope that if he was no longer interested he would just be open and say so rather than sending me mixed signals. I didnt think these things were supposed to be this difficult 😢

Okay Grace let's say he's dating someone else, he's losing interest....What does that mean for you? (Hard question?) but it needs to be answered....The reason I ask is because I'm interested in why this ONE guy has so much power over your happiness. Were you dating other men that you fancied before this guy showed up or is this the only man you have been dating?

Honestly IMO I feel because you are sending out the wrong vibes, desperation vibes by making him so important he's losing interest, you are putting way too much pressure on this new budding situation with him and thus he would much rather go do something fun with his buddies or another woman....I don't say that to hurt you nor to disrespect you but the reality is your too focused on "GETTING HIM" when you already have him.

If you would GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD, you could relax and be okay with things as they are....So things have changed, SO WHAT, it doesn't mean he's gone, he doesn't want you but if you make it mean that then inevitably your going to change, he's going to pick up on that vibe and move away from you....If you would relax and accept things as they are, accept the changes that come about, don't even make a huge deal about it, you will most likely at some point see him give you more of his energy and time.

I sense you self sabotaging b/c your afraid of rejection....He's not the only man on the planet, if he's unavailable then go out with someone else, go have as much fun as you possibly can, forget this guy for a little while and things will shift.

He is not having sex with you because of you...He doesn't want you CLINGING onto him, men are not stupid, they know when a woman wants more, not having sex with you slows the process down, not having sex with you keeps you from suffocating him with attempting to bond and be in this super serious relationship with him....It's not that he doesn't want to NOT have sex with you, it's just that he can see what we sense and see here.....your desperation so he's HOLDING BACK, not because he doesn't want you but because simply your not ready because you don't have enough life of your own to not make a man your everything.....

Your the type that won't give him his freedom and cap men need freedom which equates to independence, he doesn't want a woman breathing down his damn back all the time if he doesn't text message or call or not have sex with her.

Yes he's losing interest b/c you have no life of your own to stay focused on, he's your life and if he's not then who cares if he's losing interest...let him go....no man should have to stay if he doesn't want to stay, wanting him, needing him around is too much pressure especially this early on.

If you had a great life, something you cherished more than you cherished men, a life independent of men but also includes men you wouldn't give a shit about ONE man not wanting to be around you b/c you would have so many other interest in your life....He's picking up the vibe that he's the most important thing in your life, that feels suffocating to a man and yes he will make up excuses not to be around you.

If you would just stop the whole poor me, he doesn't want me, I feel rejected when he doesn't need to be around me things can and will shift into something positive but as it stands now, the road your on is dumpville, he's just not that into you road, I'm sure your a lovely woman but you most likely have this guy feeling like he can't breathe around you.

Try some good ol' apathy with this guy and see how his interest peaks again but as it stands now b/c he can sense your expectations he just doesn't want to give too much more of himself....go ahead and have the talk....that talk will put the nail in the relationship coffin, if you have to have a talk about it then it's over....This should be fun but your making this way too hard and no man wants a hard time in a relationship so early on.

My suggestion go out and date and have fun and flirt and play and do your life, don't worry about him and his excuses and his need to be independent of you, it's not your issue it's his, let him figure things out for himself, give him the space to do that and if he doesn't come around again, if he just disappears out of your life then give him the freedom to do that....why should you care and focus on a man that doesn't want to be around you, if you have other men in your life this one guy shouldn't make that much of a difference....The way your behaving is a huge indication that you have nothing going on in your life that you enjoy more than a man and so you make men feel pressured and they leave or spend less time courting you because of this ewwwy type energ/vibe they get from you.

Men should be a "PART" of your life, not your whole life, when a man feels he's your whole life, your reason for being and breathing, your whole happiness and if he's not around your anxious and unhappy, he just loses interest, doesn't want to go forward. When a man sense your energy shift into sadness b/c he can't be around that just pushes a man further away from you.

All it takes is a shift in attitude and behavior.....Stop making him so damn important, he's not air, he's not food, he's not water you drink, you don't and shouldn't need him to sustain you and to the contrary your sending out this energy as if he is someone that you need to sustain you, it's the neediness that's killing his interest in you....get rid of the needy attitude, it's not attractive....when a man loses interest there really is nothing a woman can do to change that but move on and no you don't tell him your moving on, YOU JUST DO IT, you go find other interest, go date other men, you shift all your focus BACK ONTO YOU, being completely apathetic to his disinterest in you let's him know he doesn't have you 100% , moving on speaks volumes to a man.

This is not something you pretend to do or feign to do to get him back or to keep him....Your the most important person in your life, your all you got in the world...you....when he's gone you still have to have YOU.

You feel he's changed but most likely you changed FIRST, you changed from this relaxed cool girl to this needy anxious desperate to be with him girl which most likely happened after sex, you changed into this KLING-ON...clingy woman.....try to tap back into being the girl you were before the sex.

LMAO@go head on fool....Exactly

Totally agree with you Star, she has to MEAN IT or it won't be effective, as for the talk I do feel it's too soon but that's just my opinion doesn't mean she can't go there with him.....completely up to her to have the talk, it's all about her approach and she can't be attached to his feelings about it or the outcome, that's when it's effective.

Tikki - The reasons im so conerned about this change in behaviour is because I sense its due to an incident that happened two weeks ago. It was the first time we slept together and I kinda of said that I wish we had waited a but longer - he told me this had made him feel bad and he felt like he had pressured me/gone too far etc - I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldnt. Everything seemed ok but then he slowly started backing off and one week later I asked him outright what was wrong. he mentioned what had happened and said he didnt know if that is what I wanted so he was just cooling things for a bit, he asked if he was reading too much into it. I tried to reassure him. He has stated several times that he over thinks things and reads too much into things and since then things have been very much up and down. He is being a little hesitant with affectionate wise but I sense he doesnt kknow whether he is going to offend me etc - but as he is backing off from him I think Im poss doing the same.

Im a cap and can also be quite shut down emotionally. Im only venting on the board im not running after him texting and ringing. In 2 months I have only rang him once, he rings me and he nearly always initiates texts too. A week ago, on a friday night he would normally of come to mine but neither of us mentioned and he said later that he wasnt going to suggest as he isnt sure I want him there. I just sense that this issue is totally unresolved still and Ive made him feel really rejected and I sense he is constantly over analyising what I do. Even on Sunday when I invited him over he asked did I want him to come over!!

I hope this adds some clarity to why Ive been so worried about this. As I say I feel its underpinned by this. I just want to know if this is still the issue and a chance to rectify it and talk about it!

JamacianCancer - thanks! He is a quantity surveyor and it can get quite stressful. I know its early days in terms of moving anything forward - Im fine with that. All I want is to know if he is still interested and/or if what happened on the sex front is still an issue. As a cap I think deeply about things but I also like to be very much upfront and honest. I wasnt planning on making a big emtional drama. I was just going to go along the lines of saying I was wondering if there was anyting wrong as Id sensed things had abeen a bit up and down for past week or so and as I kinda ilke him if there is anything wrong id like

id like to put it right but if he didnt or wasnt interested anymore thats ok but Id just like to be upfront with each other. I was no way going to mention feelings or relationship at all. Its more about just knowing if this is an issue I would like mto solve it. The a again I wonder if maybe I should just not do any talking and initiate sex with us, but Im very nervous to do this incase he rejects me! as im sure he is probably been feeling!

Grace just stop it....2 weeks has come and gone! You really need to let it go, let's say your right, let's say it was b/c of the incident 2 weeks ago, the reality is....you can't change it, you can't make it different, you spoke a truth for you and now things have slowed down, that doesn't mean BAD, it doesn't mean that he's done and moved on and let's say he has moved on, lost interest....THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, do you honestly think sitting around biting your nails, talking for hours about it will change anything?? It will only serve to make things worse....You dwelling on his behavior, his feelings is making things worse believe it or not.

You are worrying and that's why it's unresolved still. If it's really that hard then let it go, it's not meant to be, maybe you 2 can come together later down the road when there is less pressure, you have options, you have the option to stop dwelling on it, you have the option to be open and happy and fun which invites him into come play with you for a bit, you have the option to shift all your focus off this hard issue and let it resolve itself....There are many options you have, you can choose to dwell and be upset and scared and afraid or you can say to yourself move on, let him figure out how to deal with it and as long as your open and available things will work itself out.

I know your venting, I know your afraid, I know you feel you made a mistake but to keep reliving this is not helping your situation. Simply tell him you want him, your body aches to be close to his, and you don't want to hold back anymore....come and get it.....That's being transparent, that's saying hey come get this ass and bang it out, that's giving him permission to have you....then drop it, let him come and get it.

Stop all that discussing or wanting to discuss and put that ass on a platter....Tell him how it really is, it's his pussy and you want him to have it...nuff said, no other explanations needed.

vulgar descriptions can benefit you in this situation...Holding back is being too guarded, you have no reason to be guarded, nor do you have any reasons to feel he's disinterested....you being a cap is making this more difficult than it has to be....Be transparent and he will shift back into his old self.

SC used to be a nervous wreck about her Cap and now she's cool , she had to learn how to flow with things, to be okay with uncertainty, she has come a long way, she's more emotionally mature about things and doesn't allow her Caps behavior to get her tangled up in knots as much as he once did, she has come a long way with her Cap and you will too if you take the advice, SC and Star are 2 DXP diva's that will help you get through your nervous energy if you let them help you....your leaning back physically but you have to learn how to Lean back emotionally and things will shift in your favor

If you put it out there (be transparent) with your feelings regarding sex with, how he makes you feel when your with him and he doesn't come and get it then he don't want it and maybe that's your cue to move on until he can show a certain level of interest in you sexually, mentally and physically again.

Thanks guys!! Ive had quite a lot of clarity overnight! I feel so much better and feel like Ive more head space today! Ive reached the attituide of just go with it, let him do his thing and I cant do anything about it. I havent thought about it much today and feel much happier! Im trusting that a. if he was no longer into me he would tell me, b. if ive done anything to upset he can work it out in his head and will speak to me if he wants to and or c. he is also stressed with work and needs down time.

When spekaing to him last night I did say he didn't have to come for dinner this week if he didnt want so I gave him the option and he is still coming so..

At the end of the day what will be will be, tiiki - you are right, the incident was 2 weeks ago and I cant change it now. I raised it with him ,reassured him and I cant do anymore. He is coming for dinner tomorrow night so I plan on letting my guard down physically and just being more transparent that way with him (which I think will take him by surprise as Im sooo not like that - shy!) but I guess as you have all said actions are louder than words.... if he responds great, if not then I have an answer...

I guess, Im realising I need patience if anything is to happen and I need to let him take control...(this is what I think ive found hard being a cap myself). So I'm going to get on with my own thing, just be his friend, be normal, have no "discussion" with him and just chill back and bit, showing him im consistent and just myself and let happen what will happen!

He isnt the only guy out there at the end of the day!!

You have all been soo helpful, I think I may have drove myself crazy otherwise!

I like this Grace...Were is the old Grace? LOL! J/K but your vibe is confident and attractive....Things will work out fine, just come here to freak out on us and we will help you sort it out, the women here are really supportive and can help you get into a better emotional space if you let them help you get some clarity....I love caps, women and men are so earthy, I knew once you got back into your logical head space you would figure it all out. I have cap in my chart but it seems to clash with my sun sign Aquarius bleh but I love it anyway d:

They are extremely patient and very reserved. They don't normally express their feelings because they seem to think it's a form of being vulnerable. If they hide their feelings they feel they can have control over the relationship. They are very sexually and they will do anything to please you in bed. They love for you to stroke their ego. If you make them upset they are distant and they don't forgive easily. Dealing with them you must learn to have patient because you will need it. They don't trust well and they don't like to be hurt. Even when you hurt their feeling they won't reveal it to you. They are cold as stone and emotionless. Deep down they are extremely sensitive. If you are observant you will know when they really care about you. You must be a good listener.

Totally agree with ScorpChic. Crazy how similar our Cappies are because of their exact same charts. It sort of reinstills my faith in astrology lol

ok guys - next installment - long one Im afraid! lol!!

he came round for dinner last night, and when he got here he was all lovely and nice which again made me think what on earth have I been worrying about?! I was a little more affectionate with him (im not normally) so maybe that helped to.

Anyway....I did manage to get him into the bedroom, but...it was all very weird! I was trying to iniaite things with him and he was kind of open and receptive but he said he felt uncomfortable having sex becase of my new flatmate in the room next door! He reversed it round and asked how I would feel if at his house he had a male flatmate who might be able to hear them etc - he said it works both ways! She has only moved in 2 weeks ago and funnily he hasnt stayed over since then... We were kissing etc and he started to indulge in some erm dirty talk and was encouraging me to and he was erm, how to put it, excited... but said he felt uncomfortable knowing she was next door! However, he then brought up the incident again from 2 weeks ago...(Im pulling my hair out with this one!!) and said he didn't know then or now if its what I want (depsite that fact I was trying to initiate sex with him—) I tried to reassure him again but then he said he didn't want to talk about it! So this is obviously still really bugging him...I think Ive really hurt him and rejected him.

As he was leaving for home, he said that the night had been weird as if he had both been trying to second guess each other. I used this as my cue and said we seem to do that all the time. I then said that he appears very cool, collected and unfazed but I think that underneath he has loads going on and in his head. I said I reckon he watches what I do and say and over analyses it, broods on it and thinks a great deal often making more out of things than necessary. He laughed and told me I was completely right! - he said he felt as if him over analyising things was spoiling things but its part of who he is. He also said that he doesnt talk about his feelings (which I told him was fine and Id never pressure him to do that as Im not big on that either but I said Im always straight and honest to which he agreed he was too)- he then started to say something along the lines of that "when you meet someone, someone new, you never know what they are thinking and whether what they say is really what they think" - then he said oh it doesnt matter and wouldnt talk any more on it!! Im not sure whether he w

he was getting at a unsure/trust issue here? But this is the most he has said regarding thoughts/feelings! As he was leaving he also told me that he had been talking about me that day with his friend (girl who he went to uni with and stayed friends and I met her a few weeks ago when we bumped into her out) and he said she and he had both said that Im a really nice girl.. I kinda like the fact he had told me that?

So im not sure what to make of any of what happened last night at all.....all you cappy experts I need your wisdom!!!!

So now you know it's truly his problem by his admission, let him deal with it on his own....If you continue to discuss it this relationship will be over, tell him once and only one time, when he's ready to be intimate again then your ready and let it go, if he never make another move on you then that's your cue to decide to continue with this guy because any attempts to convince him to do something he's not ready to do will only serve to create more problems emotionally for the both of you...

IMO He's punishing you for making him FEEL rejected, some cap men do that. Now that you have been open, you have communicated verbally and intimately that you desire him, don't do anything.

Yes he's analyzing but not in the way you believe he is, he's angry, he's mad and he's hiding behind the overanalzying excuse, he wants you to suffer and it's working....You have to stop him from doing this by not allowing yourself to be done this way. Pull back, don't initiate anything, if he doesn't do his part, initiate intimacy then he doesn't do it, if your talking and he mentions he wanted to come over and makes the whole excuse about the past or make is seem as if he's unsure about any of it just change the subject, tell him you have to wash your hair or talk about something neutral, once he see he can't control you emotionally by his indecisive behavior he will stop but you have to be a bit stronger emotionally or he will run all over you.

I'm enjoying reading this thread. Looks like things are on the right track with your guy, grace.

Tiki is pretty insightful in regards to your CAP man's ways. I don't remember reading "REVENGE" stories relating to CAP man trait, but Tiki has a very valid point here.

When I got utterly annoyed by my CAP man's language towards me... but it was a sequence of events until I flipped one day and broke up with him. The second day he posted on his MSN ...


*I never look for revenge, but my biggest revenge is you to be without me...*


it's self-destructive behaviour if you ask me... but we all do things we don't have control over. And as much as we want to correct our so-called weaknesses, it is part of US! We cannot be programmed like robots to always think input/output. We have emotions. There always is a reason why we react the way we do. Most importantly, ACCEPTING also our not-so perfect reactions... is a way to be confidendent about ourselves. It can lighten us up... it can make us look more confident... and so more appealing 😉


Only TIME can build a good relationship, which usually starts with ups and downs. No one is perfect. We get to know each other over time. We learn to forgive those *flaws* unless they are on the outer edge of incompatibility. Only over time though, we learn that those not-so important flaws cannot make us break a relationship.


Give it time and DO NOT put him before you! Just go along with your life... but DO NOT go out of your way to doing things, unless it is absolutely necessary...

A cap man is not vengeful but he will punish, they (most) carry father type traits, he's not in the mental frame of I want revenge, he's in the mental frame of mind as in I will punish and frustrate you to teach you never to do that again to me....it's a non-verbal action and I have experienced this from cap men, It's not something she can totally ignore or pretend is not happening, if it gets too far it has to be addressed but first it's best to allow things to shift and flow naturally, it won't feel natural to her most likely b/c she wants to fix it but the reality is the more she attempts to discuss and fix it the worse it gets, just one of those things she has to sort of take her mind and hands off of and allow him the time and space to get over it, then if she finds several weeks/months it's still going on she has to say I feel like I'm being punished for a mistake I made XYZ weeks/months ago and deal with it from that point, either he stops or he will move on.

The thing about this issue is that is she makes him feel she won't leave no matter how frustrating he's being and b/c of this kind of attitude she's going to lose his respect and once that happens it's pretty much over anyway.

Respect and strength is paramount around a cap man, inner strength speaks first and that's what he will test, IMO yes give it more time but if you find that your still dealing with this issue several more weeks from now it's time to give him less of yourself so he can understand that your fine with or without him, this will alleviate pressure on him to be there for you which should help him shift back into being his old self (maybe, cap men are stubborn)

The fact that you like this guy probably way more than he likes you is creating a bit of imbalance with you both, he's stalling and using the whole sex issue as an excuse to slow things down (I mean who turns down sex unless he just doesn't want to form a strong dependent bond) if you begin to give him less of you he will stop his non-sense but the thing is she has to be in control of herself, she can't allow him to control how she feels about herself, she has to have this independent thought that although he has this issue she's fine, she has to really be a bit more detached emotionally of it all, which means shifting the focus back onto her life, back on to herself, mentally she has to be okay if she lose or win, get rid of the desperate I like him so I want to keep him in my life attitude, that kind of attitude shifts over onto him and he just doesn't FEEL good about you, still likes you but doesn't feel connected, all of this is more psychological than it is physical, if she doesn't shift out of worry mode, fix it mode he will sense (FEEL) her desperation and be repelled and just not want to be around her so much, give her intimacy and sex so much.

Thanks for all your comments guys - very interesting! I do actually feel as if Im being punished!

On Friday, we had some text contact during the day then I received a facebook message on Friday night saying he had been trying to text and ring me but couldnt get through. I text him following that, he replied over an hour later saying he had just got it and seemed like phone was playing up - umm?? I was going away Sat morning for a week which is maybe a good thing - space etc.

However, Im afraid I did some thinking on Friday evening and Sat morning and just thought Id had enough of it all. I thought I wasnt prepared to put up with the behaviour and I deserve better than it. So Sat morning I sent him a message - no feelings talk at all just very truthful and to the point saying if he no longer wants to spend time together/continue to get to know each then tell me as I value honesty.

Guess what.....no reply what so ever.... Then today I receive a text and he didnt mention anything what so ever about what I had said - just total chit chat about my hols, his evening plans etc! I just dont get him at all.

I just dont understand these men - All I want from him is for him to be upfront and honest. I'm not contacting him at all now, and to be honest considering cutting my losses! I want a man who is a man and can speak to me and treat me well not deal out this up and down behaviour when he feels like it!

Grace am I wrong but it seems like you have some issues with your self esteem...total turn off, that's why he's ignoring your doom gloom text message...plus in all honesty he doesn't even know what the hell your talking about, I mean to get a text out of nowhere like that, I would avoid that as well, there is no way I would open up a can of worms over the weekend/holidays...WHAT A DOWNER, please stop that, if your going to leave then leave, you want him to talk you out of it, won't happen...Stop thinking about him, think about you...Are you happy? Are you fed up? Are you okay with leaving and moving on with someone else? That's the most important thing, you, your feelings, your happiness and if your not happy in this situation with him as it is right now then move on, if he's bringing you down, not giving you the attention you crave and want, not enough verbal communication, whatever it is your not getting won't be fixed by talking and nagging and whining but what it will do is convince him your not going to be happy no matter what, your not going to be easy to love, easy to get along with...You have to move on to someone that matches you on the same emotional/mental level....Give yourself permission to move on if your not happy. There are other men out there that would love to take you on besides this guy.

It's not enough that you like this guy, you also have to be able to feel good with him, you also have to be able to feel good about yourself when your with him and feel good/happy inside when your without him...Maybe you need to work on yourself before venturing into a relationship with a man, especially a sexual relationship. I don't mean to put bad luck on your relationship but if you keep moving in this insecure direction with him the relationship will fail, it's failing because your too worried over nothing, send one more random message like that then consider it over.

Confidence...Were is your confidence in yourself? Everybody has hiccups with people but you seem to dwell in it...Maybe you should take a break from this guy and figure out what your issues are before venturing back into another relationship...If your insecurities continue spilling over onto him, he's going to see you as this person that brings him down and will not want be around you....He may still contact you, call/email b/c he's attracted to you but will most likely keep physical distance b/c of how you make him feel about himself....

Just be happy....Try it, people love happy people, happy people are patient people. If your not happy then you won't have much success with men yet alone this one man. Your up and down as well, don't project your stuff onto him...Get stabilized emotionally/mentally and then you will be able to actually see if it's him or you or both. The more you remain in a relationship with a guy your not happy with, the more he doesn't want to be there for you and the more you make him and yourself quite miserable and the cycle continues...break out of the cycle, choose to have a better attitude, be happy, yes he's stalling but he's STILL THEIR IN FRONT OF YOU CALLING, TEXT MESSAGING, EMAILING.....

Work with what you got and be okay with whatever comes from that, yes it's a bit hard for you because in your mind you like this guy, you wanna keep this guy but now he's changed, the honeymoon is over, he got the sex and you want a real relationship and now it seems you have to work to get a relationship with him..THIS HAPPENS, not just to you but to many women. All you have to do is focus less on him, less on "GETTING" from him and more on your own life, the more you worry about him the less he's worried about "KEEPING YOU"...Flow WITH change not against it.

Your value goes significantly down in a mans eyes when you worry about a man b/c worry leads a man to believe you are needy and desperate and your value goes down and down and down and then POOF he's gone b/c honestly who wants a woman with no value. Get rid of the I want to keep him, fix it, need him to love me and need me attitude.

Go live your life, turn off your phone if you have to, don't answer any emails if that's what it takes, just be all about you for the holidays and you will see a significant change in how he responds to you.

One thing happens and you fall completely apart inside...That's not attractive and it tells me you have other issues about YOURSELF around men in general...That's maybe something you should be working on to strengthen as to prevent yourself from going down the worst possible road b/c of some snafu mistake you experience with a man.

Be positive, hard to do when things seem different but that's the very attitude that can turn it all around. Being positive and happy helps the both of you.

Get clear, really really clear about what's bothering you. Then get clear about YOU. What you want, what you need, what you want to experience in a relationship and then ask yourself is this relationship/man providing those needs, desires, wants and if he's not then leave, move on. You don't talk about moving on, you just say I'm moving on and you do it.

If your not ready to do that then stop with the immature text messages, begging for validation. Lean back, I mean way back, go to the spa, just have a YOU day, were you will not allow yourself to think about anyone but YOU, if he pops in your mind, shove him out, like you when you shut the door when visitors leave....You will feel energized and happy and ready for anything.

I totally agree with SC especially the part about his intentions...I too don't believe he have bad intentions, he's just not as accommodating as he once was but if you relax and stop letting your fears get you into these emotional states were your moved to do something like text message your fears which only serves to make things worse and make it prolong and create doubt.....if you decide to give it more time to burn and blow over this could change just like that, like it never happened....be patient

Well guys....it's now been 2 weeks since I felt a change in things and 1 week where his behaviour has drastically changed.

I obviously sensed the change etc and I've found out via some detective work on facebook he got involved with another woman exactly 2 weeks ago! So this explains the sudden and 360 degree turn in his behaviour! I knew intuitively something was wrong and it wasn't just me! Feeling very hurt now, especially by the lies and he has obviously tried to keep me hanging! Needless to say that's it now - I've ceased all contact etc! I had a feeling all along something was not right! He is spineless! I'm better off now- I know the situation and can move on!

Thanks for all your input guys - you have been great!

Now take all that good info I gave you and use it on the next guy LOL

Don't worry Grace....You have worried ENOUGH over this guy. He didn't really owe you anything, owe you a relationship so it's best to lick your wounds and move forward with the next guy....hiccups and disappointments happen when we open ourselves up to other human beings....Feel what you gotta feel and let it go so you can be ready to date other men.

Besides maybe you should take this time alone to work on your self/self esteem, you really don't seem strong enough to deal with a cap man, just gotta have a bit more of a tough skin emotionally or they/cap men (not all but the ones I know) move on quite quickly once they sense low value attitude/behavior such as insecurity in a woman, when I say move on, I mean move as in give less of themselves to that one woman, move on as in date other women as he keeps the door open with you.

I don't really see this as bad, he's just one of the many men you will experience this with on some level to some degree until you get the guy that wants to stay.