Water Under the Bridge?

Would you be able to let this go as water under the bridge?

Say, for example. Your friend's spouse misrepresented himself before marriage and did her wrong and/or was really screwing up their marriage, doing things that hurt her emotionally (not physically). Then decides to get help for what he was doing. Would you be able to let bygones be bygones?

They are afraid that none of her friends will ever look at him the same way again and ever truly accept him into their circle even if he gets help.

I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but it is an internet-related type of addiction.

My best friends boyfriend just picked up and left her a few months ago. He left her while she was at work, and she was completely devastated.

He came back and they are working things out.

I don't trust him, but it's none of my business. It's their relationship. So I just suck it up when I see him and act like it never happened.

The way i look at it: My friend doesn't need my negativity toward her relationship or boyfriend. I can't see how it would help her at all.

All I can do is be a friend and if he screws up again, I can be there for her.,

Capgirl, I see what you're saying. For her sake, and ONLY her sake, I will be cordial to him, but I will never, ever trust him or consider him as my friend.

??doing things that hurt her emotionally (not physically). Then decides to get help for what he was doing. Would you be able to let bygones be bygones?

??They are afraid that none of her friends will ever look at him the same way again and ever truly accept him into their circle even if he gets help.??


I'm going to take a wild guess and say ??addicted to either porn, or cybering??

I would have to say that in all honesty, you never marry the person you think you marry, that as the years go by the trust builds and builds and you finally feel safe enough, you share your deepest darkest secrets, or just become more confortable being who you are. Taking that into account if they both decided to get married and werent held at gunpoint , there are redeeming qualities for whatever addiction the guy had. If he is getting help, they should??t be worried about if their friends let him into their inner circle, the friends should be worrying if their understanding and love for him as a person is big enough to realize that we all have issues, addictions and ways of thinking that arent always benefitial to our relationships. To anyone that decides to judge him, I say he gives him the finger.

Not yet.

Posted by truecap
Capgirl, I see what you're saying. For her sake, and ONLY her sake, I will be cordial to him, but I will never, ever trust him or consider him as my friend.

That is how I feel about my friend's loser.
But she's 37, she can make her own decisions and she was miserable without him.

Maybe he can have a talk with all of them either all at once or one on one. If that doesnt show commitment (other than obvious follow through) then I dont know what does.

meh

yea i wouldn't be able to hold my tongue around my friend. i want them to be happy, and if it means short term agony for long term peace of mind and self-respect, i'll put myself in the dog-house temporarily for telling them what they dont want to hear. I've done it plenty.

It helps when you've put yourself through the same hell... ppl are more willing to listen.

Posted by xxoommmxxoo

Posted by truecap
Would you be able to let this go as water under the bridge?

Say, for example. Your friend's spouse misrepresented himself before marriage and did her wrong and/or was really screwing up their marriage, doing things that hurt her emotionally (not physically). Then decides to get help for what he was doing. Would you be able to let bygones be bygones?

They are afraid that none of her friends will ever look at him the same way again and ever truly accept him into their circle even if he gets help.

I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but it is an internet-related type of addiction.

The type of addiction is every important here. Was he hooking up with people in person which can actually put your wife's health in danger? Or was it internet porn and sending anthony weiner d#ck pics? So if he is hooking up with people he is out the door. In either case the trust is pretty much out the window. However he is seeking help and admitting his addiction. Some guys just can't stop these activities no matter how much of a porn star wife you are for them in the bedroom. And it can certainly do a number on a wife's self esteem that she is "not enough for him." Some of the most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on (think halle berry etc) If it is the latter and he has not "touched" anyone then i believe that a marriage is worth saving. He is willing to get help which speaks for his character. However is he is really willing to change, she must be willing to truly forgive him and not "punish" him for eternity. As far as the circle of friends, that is the least of their worries. The saving of the marriage has to be top priority.

click to expand

I wasn't asking what my friend should do.

I was asking, as a capricorn, if everyone else felt whether they could forgive someone for treating a friend this way.

Oh, I'm not getting into their business. I'm just saying, I don't believe this will be someone I will ever accept as a true and tried friend. Not only has he continued to do something that hurts her (after she asked him to stop), he has been lying to her, attempting to betray her and is disloyal and totally disrespecting the sanctity of their marriage.

If she asks me what would I do in this situation, I will definitely tell her to throw his sorry, no-good ass out on the street. Until that time, like I said, I will be cordial and polite, but I will not be attempting to build a friendship with this man.

EVEN if he gets help, he has already shown his true colors and lack of decent character traits. I normally would not associate with people like this.

Lets not forget, I am a capricorn with a capricorn moon. Sadly, I don't believe I will ever be able to let this bygone be a bygone.

What pisses me off the most is now she believes its her fault. She thinks she's not good enough. Which we ALL know its not. She did get to hear my opinions on that. Quite bluntly, too!

Posted by CreepyPants
meh

yea i wouldn't be able to hold my tongue around my friend. i want them to be happy, and if it means short term agony for long term peace of mind and self-respect, i'll put myself in the dog-house temporarily for telling them what they dont want to hear. I've done it plenty.

It helps when you've put yourself through the same hell... ppl are more willing to listen.

I used to be the same way, always butting in and telling my gfs what's GOOD for them. Of course, my bff asked me and confided in me first and always wanted my opinion and advice.

Some bff's are hardheaded and the best way is just be supportive and be there for them. They have to learn the way they want to learn, by experience. Sometimes, it works for them, and sometimes it doesn't.

I mean what's good for her, isnt good for me, so although I may be putting myself in her position, it isn't MY life and MY feelings. It's hers. The only interaction she may need is a strong moral support.
Her feelings, which are attached to the man in question are hers and hers alone. You can't rip that from her.

Posted by djbuck1

Posted by Lucriu
??doing things that hurt her emotionally (not physically). Then decides to get help for what he was doing. Would you be able to let bygones be bygones?

??They are afraid that none of her friends will ever look at him the same way again and ever truly accept him into their circle even if he gets help.??


I'm going to take a wild guess and say ??addicted to either porn, or cybering??

I would have to say that in all honesty, you never marry the person you think you marry, that as the years go by the trust builds and builds and you finally feel safe enough, you share your deepest darkest secrets, or just become more confortable being who you are. Taking that into account if they both decided to get married and werent held at gunpoint , there are redeeming qualities for whatever addiction the guy had. If he is getting help, they should??t be worried about if their friends let him into their inner circle, the friends should be worrying if their understanding and love for him as a person is big enough to realize that we all have issues, addictions and ways of thinking that arent always benefitial to our relationships. To anyone that decides to judge him, I say he gives him the finger.

He's cheating on his wife on the internet and you're going to give ME the finger (OWN IT LUCRIU!)?

Hell, he's a no account low life, and you're damn right I'll judge him.

click to expand

So it was what I thought it was = ). DJBUCK1 I`m not going to give you the finger, but this guy should. Get of your high horse, who do you think you are to JUDGE? You can feel angry that he`s hurting her in such a way, you can feel disgusted at his weakness, you can even feel Vengefull and wish to beat some sense into what you think is a ??no account low life?? you have a RIGHT to feel the way you feel when you see someone you care about being hurt (I`m going to take a wild guess and say that you`re more a friend to the wife then the husband) But youre NO ONE TO JUDGE. If you cant be loving and encourage this person to better himself and see that what he`s doing is wrong, you WERE NEVER HIS FRIEND, and quiet honestly NO ONE NEEDS FRIENDS LIKE YOU. Hope he does give you the finger.

^^ That's it.

Except, I didn't used to know him. I barely know this man. She met him 8 months ago, married him within six months of meeting him. I've known her for 15 years.