News that never made it...

...onto the website. Actually, dxpnet I'm not sure if maybe you did run all these and I just missed it, but anyway, I wanted to get 'em on here anyway, you know, to freak people out. 🙂

Daring New style Takes Parisian Runways By Storm

?Eeetz vantaztik, simply vantaztik?, said Jean-Paul Eiffel at the premier of the ?Eiffel Spring Line? fashion show premiering his self-proclaimed works of art. Eiffel, arguably the world?s most respected and high-priced clothing designer who hails from Paris, France, has unleashed his outrageous and shocking new design concepts in Europe, and it won?t be long before he says he plans to unveil his masterpieces on the American public. What?s all the commotion about? Simply put, skin is in?inside out, that is.

What began as an underground trend among the youngest Parisians has exploded into the mainstream with a fury that shows no sign of slowing any time soon. Tall, leggy models brazenly and without inhibitions, showed it all. Seemingly unaffected by the physical pain involved in having their skin sliced open and turned inside out, the models strutted proudly down the catwalk to Carly Simon?s ?Haven?t Got Time For The Pain?. Audible gasps could be heard coming from the audience as blood oozed from the incision sites of these walking anatomy lessons. Jean-Paul Eiffel enthusiastically applauded as each new ?outfit? was paraded stoically in front of thousands of socialites, industry leaders and paparazzi with flashbulbs.

One model slipped on her own blood, and had to be rushed to Le Hospital. No word on the state of her recovery.

When asked for additional comments following the Spring Line Premiere, Eiffel exclaimed, ?Fantastique! Fantastique!? and then himself slipped in a puddle of blood. Eiffel is expected to make a full recovery from his concussion.

Deranged Bunnies Invade America

New Orleans, Louisiana

Something strange is afoot. A rabbit?s foot, that is. Our news team has been following a story that few will believe, but we assure you, it is fact. Late Sunday night on March 22, two local eleven-year-old boys were detained for questioning regarding a strange incident, which occurred in the Old Town Cemetery on Voodoo Road. For years, the New Orleans Police have been trying to deal with the usual vandalism caused by young people in the area, and NOPD funding was recently increased so that more officers could patrol that area. But on the evening of March 22, something happened which had never been seen before in the history of New Orleans, a city made famous for its supernatural phenomenon and unexplained mysteries. Something happened that no police officer on the New Orleans force has ever been trained to deal with.

Jeremiah Randall and Cory Sampson snuck out of their homes at approximately 10:30 on this school night wearing all black and carrying flashlights, beer and Marlboros, prepared to defy the rules of their parents and ?chill out? at the Old Town Cemetery. According to statements given to police by Randall, ?we were just gonna smoke some cigarettes and drink my daddy?s Pabst Blue Ribbon. All the other kids at school do it. All the cool kids. We?re real sorry we decided to do that now.? The boys found a secret haphazard fort of sorts made up of dead tree limbs, leaves, and previously vandalized headstones. Tucked away in the confines of their fort, they thought they were safe. Safe from the New Orleans Police, safe from their parents? eyes, and safe from wild animals.

The boys were wrong.

?Everything was real quiet. I asked Jeremiah to pass me the beer, and he wasn?t answering me. He was just starin? at me, and his eyes were like saucers. I couldn?t figure out why he was lookin? at me like that. I said, ?Jeremiah, what in the sam hell is your problem? Do I got somethin? on my face?? Then I noticed he wasn?t lookin? directly at me, he was lookin? over my shoulder. About the same time, I hear a real strange sound, sounded like it was comin? from behind me. Sounded like dry leaves cracklin?. So I turned my head real slow, to see what all the commotion was. When I looked over my shoulder I seen a real big fluffy beast, all white and the thing had the blackest eyes I ever seen in my whole life. I thought it was a monster covered in whippin? cream, but that aint what it was. No, that aint what it was at all. I says to myself, ?I?ll be damned if that aint a huge bunny rabbit starin? at me! What in the sam hell is a twelve foot tall bunny rabbit doin? at the cemetery? And why is he droolin? and lickin? his chops like a starved animal—

Around this time is when both boys claim to have been ?scared witless?. Randall stated that they both stood up very slowly, and backed away from the hungry bunny, then counted to three and ran as fast as their legs would carry them in the opposite direction of the bunny. Approximately fifteen minutes later, they stopped to rest in the woods just outside the cemetery. Though traumatized, the boys once again felt safe.

Once again, they were wrong.

[Randall] ?We thought we?d gotten away. We were outta breath, real tired and thirsty, so when I felt teeth clamp onto my neck from behind me, I couldn?t even scream, all I could do was try to wiggle free. I wiggled free alright, but not before the bunny took a chunk of flesh outta my neck. Blood was everywhere, and Cory says he saw blood drippin? outta that rabbit?s mouth. I think I heard a cackle of laughter comin? from that damned bunny, but I can?t be sure. All I know is that it?s a miracle that two drunk boys got away from such a large, hoppin? beast.?

When asked why they didn?t use their flashlights as weapons of defense, both boys said in unison, ?Bunny ate ?em?.

Woman Loses Tongue in Freak Factory Accident

Baltimore, MD

Canning vegetables isn?t as safe as it used to be.

?My heart goes out to Laurie, but she really should have exercised restraint and behaved in a more lady-like fashion. This is a place of business, not a brothel? stated Jorge Velasquez, general manager at Cannin? Dan?s Vegetable Canning Factory in Baltimore. Velasquez, a co-worker of 33-year-old Laurie Flannegan, had little else to say about the recent events at his place of work. Flannegan was the victim of a shocking tragedy in the early afternoon on January 7th. It all started when the mail arrived at the usual time, in the usual manner, save for the recently hired mailman -- a 22-year-old part-time Swedish male calendar model who was on his first assignment. The young man, whose name has not been released, would spark a chain of events the end result of which can only be described as bloody and bizarre.

Almost immediately as the mailman entered the building, Flannegan apparently took an obvious physical interest in the postal worker, and commented on his ?bulging biceps? to Zora Adams, another co-worker who was busy labeling cans of asparagus. Allegedly, Adams shouted at Flannegan ?quit drooling over the mailman and get back to work!!?. Adams didn?t yet know it, but if heeded, her advice could have saved Flannegan?s tongue from being savagely ripped out of her mouth and lost forever. Flannegan, unfazed by Adams? shouting, leaned seductively across the motorized conveyer belt at her work station in an attempt to catch the young mailman?s eye. And catch his eye she did, just before her lolling tongue was sucked forcefully into the motorized portion of the conveyer belt and ripped out of her mouth. As an astonishing amount of blood gushed forth from the accident victim?s mouth, the mailman heroically attempted to retrieve the severed tongue from the gears on the belt, and in the process lost a third of his arm and three fingers. The tongue was never found.

In a television commercial created to dispel rumors of canned flesh, Cannin? Dan?s Vegetable Canning Factory?s owner, Cannin? Dan, said that the public shouldn?t worry about finding any fingers, sections of arm, or human tongue in their canned vegetables. ?The truth of the matter is, as long as you cook your veggies at a reasonably high temperature, any body parts will generally melt and disintegrate under the intense heat. Any salty-tasting body part residue is likely to enhance the flavor of your vegetables?so enjoy! And, we?re hiring, so if you?re looking for work, give us a call. We here at Cannin? Dan?s would also like to take this opportunity to appeal to the young disabled mailman to feel free to continue delivering mail to our facility. Mainly because, all of the other mailmen are too afraid.

Doctor Allegedly Lights Patient on Fire

In the early morning of January 2nd, St. Beelzebub Hospital in Eden City was its usual bustling, cheerful medical center, filled with sweet and caring receptionists, attentive orderlies, caring charge nurses and brilliant doctors. It was a morning like any other ? or so it seemed.

Luciferian Eville Devilman, a forty-four year old father of two sets of triplets and accomplished surgeon having operated on no less than 665 patients, trained at the prestigious and world-renowned Our Fallen Angel Surgical School of Techniques, Methods and Ethics of Humane Lethalities performed what he described to investigators as a ?routine procedure? on 31-year-old Adam Sonofman. During what is known to most as an appendectomy, the removal of the human appendix, Operating Room number 666 burst into flame inexplicably, and local fire crews were helpless to subdue the blaze.

A mere sixty-six minutes and six seconds into the surgery, all hell had broken loose.

On the scene, news anchor Precious Childofgod asked Adam Sonofman?s wife, Eve Fairersex Appleater Sonofman to describe her feelings about the blazing inferno.

?You know, I?d spoken with Doctor Devilman once before my husband was rushed to Beelzebub hospital to have his appendix out. Why, I once had lunch with the man. I thought he was a sweet man and he even went so far as to insist I try the Apple Cobbler at the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil Caf? in Eden City. But something tells me Doctor Devilman has a dark side to him that he hides from his patients. I think he started this fire. In fact I think he?s up there right now with my poor ignorant husband, trying to incinerate him. I?ve a mind to sue. Doctor Devilman is just jealous of my husband?s strong relationship with the mayor of Eden City, the good man Alpha Omega, who founded this city?oh boy?God only knows how long ago. He?s been such a beloved donator of such basic things, like Light, and the Firmament, and birds and beasts. It?s a wonder he didn?t create all of mankind from the dust of the earth, when you think about it. He?s really been like a father to the people of this community.?

In critical condition at another area hospital, Wings of God Center for Salvation and Rebirth, Adam Sonofman is recovering from third-degree burns covering 66% of his body. Sonofman?s doctors there say that had another 6% of his body been burned, Sonofman would have perished in the blaze. ?Someone up there is looking out for Adam?, said Doctor Angelica Dogood. ?We expect him to make a full recovery in about 7 days, recovering all of his mobility, sight, sense of touch, and dominion over creatures that crawl and fly?.

When asked for his comments on this near-fatal tragedy, Mayor Omega simply had the following to say: ?Justice will be done to Doctor Devilman. We go way back; when working as the owner/bouncer at the Halo Club in my younger days, I had to fire him, cast him out of the club and send him back downtown for behavior unbecoming a Halo employee. If he?s let free, expect him to be all over my city selling his rotten apples to the people of this town, who I affectionately refer to as my children. I?ve spoken with Eve and I?ve urged her to tell her children (she?ll have many, by the way) they must resist this man with all the will they can summon. ?Tell them to smite the serpent on the head, if necessary?, I told her. And I?m not usually all that violent a guy.?

Devilman is currently in police custody pending an attempted homicide investigation. We will report the condition of Adam Sonofman as soon as we receive new information.


"In an alarming twist, Sonofman's doctor Dogood reportedly noticed the absence of one of Adam's ribs. The cause of this medical mystery is unknown, but Mayor Omega hinted that he just might know why Adam's rib is missing. "I don't like to talk about this...but when Ad

Well, I just realized that pretty much anyone could come here and steal my stories (not that they're good enough to warrant anyone doing that, but it's possible). So...don't steal my stories, you potential thieving jerks. 🙂