Gem's - Caught up in the moment or 4real?

Just wondering your thoughts about this. I've been dating an older Gemini male for a few months now. We're pretty tight and this is turning into a nice relationship. Their are times when he will say things and maybe because I don't react the way he likes he will shy away. For example, he's "slipped" several times and has said "love" and then quickly will say I mean "like". I.E. "I'm telling you this because I love you. I mean like you." The first 2 times I thought it was an honest mistake but the 3rd and 4th time I was like maybe he loves me.

The other night in the "moment" he says "you are the love of my life". This took me by complete surprise. After, we were talking and he used the phrase again and when I said "So, I'm the love of your life now?" in a very light hearted way like this is news to me tone he says "I have to watch what I say because you take me literally." How else would I take him? These are things I want to hear from him because I am in in love with him. So do Gem's just talk shit or am I not responding the right way to him?

If he said it that many times he does. You can even ask him why he does that; say "love" then change it to "like"? He may be feeling you out to see your reaction. Let him answer and then leave it alone--don't bug him about it if he does it again. His actions should speak louder than his words anyway. Gems are good at mere words--it's the actions that count.

This may or may not be relevent. But my ex husband is a gem and he was (is) bad about saying things in the moment. I honestly believe he meant them at the moment he said them, but the next day or next week, he would say something totally opposite or different. I'm not meaning the love/like thing, it was about any opinion or plan he had. He changed opinions so quickly and easily, it got where I didn't know what to think. Seemed very unstable for this lil ole capricorn. I reckon that's part of dealing with "the twins".

I need to add, on the love issue, he was pretty consistent. I think your guy feels it, he's just not sure how you feel. Maybe he was expecting you to say something back and backtracked to save face. Maybe you should let it "slip" one day and see if things change for the better. ??

Weeks after the string of —love — I mean like?? comments I did tell him that I love him because I do. He in turn did not say it back, and in fact said, he thought it was too early and doubted I was speaking the truth. I was a little disappointed.

I'm starting to learn, with him, that I need to be on the same page with him at the same time or else he seems to take it as rejection which is not the case. It's just that he came into this relationship a little further ahead of me. But with true Gem charm he's got me. I couldn't be happier with him.

I think I should of just let the —love of my life?? comment ride yesterday. He's still a bit guarded with me which is why it's hard to determine whats up with him. In one conversation I can go from being the love of his life to we need to take it slow, to when can I see you again. I'm following your lead guy 🙂

FTL, yeah I can relate to his behaviour as I was often that way in the past. We test and mirror a lot so you might wanna consider taking the lead sometimes or else you might be following him down the garden path🙂

Posted by gemeliorist
FTL, yeah I can relate to his behaviour as I was often that way in the past. We test and mirror a lot so you might wanna consider taking the lead sometimes or else you might be following him down the garden path🙂

I do feel like he test me at times. Can you expand on this type of behavior?
We have a situation now where he's supposed to be planning a weekend trip for us. He's put some thought into I can tell, and he's come up with the plan. I said I was fine with what he came up with but now it seems like he's waiting for me to tell him to book it which is kind of annoying. Almost like he's dangling this carrot in front of me. I want to go and would love to spend the time with him but jeeze dude book it already and lets just go ??_

Posted by forthelove
Weeks after the string of —love — I mean like?? comments I did tell him that I love him because I do. He in turn did not say it back, and in fact said, he thought it was too early and doubted I was speaking the truth. I was a little disappointed.

I'm starting to learn, with him, that I need to be on the same page with him at the same time or else he seems to take it as rejection which is not the case. It's just that he came into this relationship a little further ahead of me. But with true Gem charm he's got me. I couldn't be happier with him.

I think I should of just let the —love of my life?? comment ride yesterday. He's still a bit guarded with me which is why it's hard to determine whats up with him. In one conversation I can go from being the love of his life to we need to take it slow, to when can I see you again. I'm following your lead guy 🙂

Yep, it's the "twin" behavior. Two opinions, two thoughts - they don't even know themselves.

I do love him and take my cues from him. Sometimes he's full speed ahead and sometimes he's not. Friday for example, he was in a "slow" mode. By Saturday night he was "you are the love of my life." lol.

I try and work with his speed. We were friends for 4 years before we decided to date.

I'm fine with taking things slow but when he moves quickly then it gets me moving quickly 🙂

I know that he loves him. His actions and affections show it.

* I know that he loves me.

Welcome to our duality. Hesitation for others might be different. For us, one side wants to give in to his feelings/urges and just go with it while the other side wants to be more logical and mature, do the right/smart/wise thing. Since we are mutable and adapt to our environment you will get the mirroring it's automatic unless we learn to control it as we get older since it adds to the confusion when someone doesn't know us. That's the constant conflict with gems as we see both sides simultaneously and are ALWAYS thinking, acquiring information and trying to do better when we have a greater understanding. Tell him what you want to do, gems usually like things to be verbalized it's your approach that you might want to take into consideration since you see his hesitation.

Some label us as good and bad twins. I think that term is inaccurate and really does us an injustice as it isn't about good or bad, everyone has that in them. Think of us as having a built in antonym an inherent conflict of our being. We are of two equal minds ALL THE TIME and our moods can dictate our behaviour in the moment unless we learn to master our mood swings and remain consistent despite the changes that occur within seconds, minutes, and hours. It can really suck when change comes so quickly internally never mind having to deal with the external crap and it takes a lot of practice that is why we really get better with age. As others do as well with a better understanding of self.

Some call it testing, others playing games...I don't think he's testing you about this particular issue. Seems like he really likes you, cause given his age, he wouldn't be going away with someone he wasn't into or have known for a while cause you could be really crazy. Ask him if he wants you to book the trip. Maybe he picked up on your uncertainty which was partially due to his behaviour. This is becoming circular because of all the adapting.

Yah need to cover all them mirrors in the house and express your feelings and not take them back, it shouldn't always be on the guy to make the moves...😉

BOOK THE VACA...today🙂

Posted by gemeliorist
Some call it testing, others playing games...I don't think he's testing you about this particular issue. Seems like he really likes you, cause given his age, he wouldn't be going away with someone he wasn't into or have known for a while cause you could be really crazy. Ask him if he wants you to book the trip. Maybe he picked up on your uncertainty which was partially due to his behaviour. This is becoming circular because of all the adapting.

Yah need to cover all them mirrors in the house and express your feelings and not take them back, it shouldn't always be on the guy to make the moves...😉

BOOK THE VACA...today🙂

The circular conversations I feel like we have — YES! But I'm trying to follow his lead. I want to cover all the mirrors BUT you can't tell me I'm the love of your life and then 5 minutes later say I'm kidding. Let me digest what you??ve said as well. Better yet — lets talk about what that mean so we can both be on the same page and move forward on the same. Theirs a concept for my Gem man ??_

I love this guy but he drives me nuts! Lol. I guess it's the duality that confuses me. He is the one who is spontaneous but somewhat balanced as well. So when he's in his spontaneous —it's all about you mode?? I feel it and when he's un-certain I feel that too. I'm a Cancer and I'm sensitive. To his credit, he has always listened to my uncertainties about him and our relationship to which he equates to me being insecure BUT as a Cancer I need stability or my mind goes else where. I have seen his communication change with me around this area and I appreciate his effort.

He is also the one who suggested the idea of a 2 day get away. However, what you said about him wanting to do the right thing but also being caught up in the moment is probably very true for him. He has a young son who he adores and spends a lot of his time with. When we were talking about this 2 day trip, it never occurred to me that he really felt conflicted, but he did mention how he would be spending 2 days away from his son and that he hasn't done that in a while.

I have a young child as well so I understand but a few nights away does every parent good and I would never make him choose between me or his son but I felt like by saying —book it?? that perhaps he would have thought I was.

But our dialogue has given me an idea

* Let me try this again......

*But our dialogue has given me an idea on how I can tell him to —book it?? and have a good time 🙂

Thank you! You Gem??s 🙂

1. Stop following his lead all the time, you are a person with your own feelings and beliefs. This should apply to anyone and he will lose respect for you even if he remains with you. He doesn't know or understand everything himself and YOU are expected to have an opinion.

2. Yes that is part of being adaptable we compensate for what is missing/weak with the other however temporary. When you are feeling weak he will be the strong one and when you are being too serious he will be the fun one. We are just inconsistent with our behaviour because we are sensitive to both the internal and external at AT THE SAME TIME ALL THE TIME. We can usually find a middle ground because we see both sides, hence the balance. Everyone is insecure to some extent, so don't let him put that insecurity pie on your plate. We all have strengths and weakness and they can also manifest in different ways.

3. He's probably more conflicted about you rather than his son. If he has always done right by his son, that won't change because as indecisive as gems are, the well- being of their children's mental health is paramount. But If getting away is impossible due to child care requirements, you're not going anywhere. However gems can be very resourceful, he'll eventually find away if he wants to.

4. If there are no obstacles to your getaway such as family, health, career, and finances other than being wishy washy, don't let him look for an excuse to not do anything because of uncertainty... probably doesn't want you to think that he's being impulsive and irresponsible. Plz. Book the vacation, sounds like you guys could use it🙂

5. We like to communicate which you already know so the only problem you have is your approach. I hope that he is responsible if not no amount of communication is going to help the relationship.

You are very right gemeliorist! Thanks so much for all of the advise. I did tell him today that we need to make time for ourselves, away time. He was a little defense that he wasn't giving me what I needed but I explained it wasn't that - just wanted the time with him. He said he heard me and he's working on it. Usually when he says he's "heard" it means he's heard me and he's working on what I've asked. He is a occupied with work this week - huge presentation on Thursday so to be continued 🙂

Regarding him being responsible. He's responsible to a fault which is a great thing because he's an amazing dad but works against me sometimes when I want "us" time. But he's such an amazing and wonderful dad it's hard to not acknowedge him and respect him for all of the love and care he puts into his son. I think you are correct he is conflicted about me because he doesn't know where to put in his life right now. He's used to it being just them. To have a 3rd person is difficult for him I can tell and he's also said it. We have not met each others kids yet. Clearly because we don't know what we're doing 🙂

Posted by xygeneration
Maybe he's afraid that it will be anothee disappointment and he thinks about how you will be affecting his child.

Better to ask him though

I'm fine with not having met his son yet. I would not introduce him to my kids either. We're at a good place but not good enough where I feel like I need to introduce my kids to him or meet his 🙂

Posted by forthelove

Posted by xygeneration
Maybe he's afraid that it will be anothee disappointment and he thinks about how you will be affecting his child.

Better to ask him though

I'm fine with not having met his son yet. I would not introduce him to my kids either. We're at a good place but not good enough where I feel like I need to introduce my kids to him or meet his 🙂

click to expand

Nice one, I bet he appreciates that🙂

Gemeliorist - Are you being sarcastic this AM? It's a touchy thing with the kids. I didn't mean it in a bad way.

@FTL - Nope, pls go back to my previous post in this thread about gems and mental health in regards to their children. No offence taken in advance🙂

@XG - Thanks🙂

@FTL - Nope, pls go back to my previous post in this thread about gems and mental health in regards to their children. No offence taken in advance🙂

@XG - Thanks🙂

I could hear the concern in his voice yesterday. He thought I was trying to break up with him. He really is struggling with the concept of time and how to include me in this picture. But it's almost like we're stuck because we're not doing enough to water this seed to even get to the point where we can introduce each other to our kids. It's like a vicious cycle that he will have to decide about. I understand his concerns but I can't push him to make a decision. And trust me I'm not talking about seing him everyday. Once or twice a week would be fine at this stage. I even suggested we take the day off so we could have time during the day to not disrupt his time with his son in the evening. I'm trying but as much as I love him if he can't fit me in I will just have to say our timing was off. Ironically, he says he's waited for 6 years for us to start this relationship but it still seems like our timing is not right.

Posted by forthelove
I could hear the concern in his voice yesterday. He thought I was trying to break up with him. He really is struggling with the concept of time and how to include me in this picture. Ironically, he says he's waited for 6 years for us to start this relationship but it still seems like our timing is not right.

You guys have known each other for 6 years or has he been single for that long?

We have known each other for 6 years.

Posted by forthelove
We have known each other for 6 years.

So you have some history...you need to give more information. Your previous post presented a dynamic that was not indicated (or maybe I missed it) before and it showed that there was a lot more going on for only 5 mths.

We met through work but because we were both in relationships we kept it platonic. We would speak to each other every few months through the years and just catch each other up on our lives. Nothing too deep. We recently met again and because our situations have changed decided to see where this could go. He says that he has been waiting for this opportunity. I came into this relationship thinking it would be purely physical. That has since changed for me and I think I've caught up to where he is as well mentally.

Hey FTL, I decided not to post my initial response and sleep on this one. It's pretty much the same thoughts it seems so unnecessarily complicated like there's more going on as if someone is holding back and not being upfront, that's my problem with your scenario. Your guy sounds like the male version of myself except some of his behaviour is in my past. He seems like he has internalized things and struggles with not messing up and most of your concerns are external and once communicated and with some time and space you both get it right and continue to move along.

Not sure but things from the past might be influencing the relationship such as when both of your previous relationships ended and residual issues and so on...but try not to let that dominate the relationship if it is...he's trying to be so careful maybe more so than you... Don't COMPLICATE things out of frustration as he seems to be with caution. That might be what dooms your relationship more than anything else. Just keep it simple as gems can get pretty anxious and have lots of nervous energy which can overwhelm us. But we manage with lots of understanding and communication; it's great that he's mature and not difficult, so I think you'll be fine as you're seeking balance so is he in different ways😄

Patience, reassurance and space with a huge amount of love in varing quantities daily. So reach back into your history for some guidance since you are familiar with his professional side, you already know the possible stressors and some things should be applicable to your personal life. It looks like you mean a lot to him so slowing down a bit more in some areas would probably be best for now. Being clear about your feelings and expectations about the relationship is what's working.

As to the "lets see where this could go", he knew what he wanted (fraudster😉). He didn't want to scare you or get rejected, hahaha...It's fine for you to suggest realistic ways to spend more time together and your approach is important, you can be indirect about this part. If you're demanding, aggressive or rude more than a few times, game over. Keep things honest and be CALM and you already know that there has to be more security and stability before the gradual intro of the kids🙂

This is my few cents, hope it works out for you guys🙂

I love your advise and I think you have him down to the —T??. However, lol, I am a true sensitive Cancer so some of his —caution?? and I do believe it's that, is hurtful to me. I always feel like actions speak louder than words. When I know things are busy at work for him, I will send him a text saying —hope your day is going well.?? or something like that so he knows I'm thinking about him. Usually these messages aren't returned and it hurts my feelings. He, however, will call at the end of his day and we will have a nice conversation.

Funny tho, if I don't send him a message (because sometimes I'm just not in the mood for a 1 way conversation) he lets me know my message was missed. And maybe that's it — sometimes I feel like I'm giving this more than he is. This week I know is stressful for him so I??ll see how the weekend goes but in my mind, I think we may need to go back to being friends. I may need more from him now than he's willing to give.

I really appreciate your thoughts! Honestly, I feel like you know him so I appreciate the incite 🙂 Thank you!

You're welcome and good luck🙂

Gemeliorist has given good advice here.