how best to help a leo in a hopeless situation...

remember the work leo i contacted embarrasingly on the dating site? well, we've become sort of friends as he's been asking me for my help with his custody case against his ex wife from whom he's been divorced for 5 years.

whatever frivolity there was going on between us has been set to one side. i speak spanish pretty well and he is a typical british expat who only knows how to ask for beer. five years ago, a court order was made stating that he have access to his now 8 year old daughter at the weekends and on wednesday afternoons.

since the court order was made, his ex-wife has broken it not once but THIRTY times. each time, he denounces her as you're supposed to and then ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS. meanwhile his wife files claims of physical abuse against him....accusing him of physical abuse against their daughter...each time, the claims are thrown out by judges and she's actually been called a pathological liar by one of them but still......NOTHING HAPPENS!!

this man is in bits over this. he asked me to go to the courts with him last monday to try and get some kind of resolution. we ended up being pushed around from office to office...lawyers...court clerks...fiscales (don't know what they are in english) and it was all extremely frustrating. but for him, it was clearly life-sapping! the poor guy got more and more emotional as the day went on and i just didn't know what to say to him!!!

i managed to organise a lawyer to take over the case on the legal aid system cos he's already spent his life savings being ripped off by a lawyer. i found out how to take action against that lawyer. but basically, every single person i spoke to on his behalf said they completely understood where he was coming from but that the spanish system in these matters just wasn't designed to support fathers. they acknolwedged its unfairness but just said there was nothing that could be done but continue to follow the process he has already been following.

cont'd....

cont'd.....

sorry for typos btw. banana finger syndrome today, lol.

the day after this court episode, he had another appearance in another court in relation to yet another denuncia from his ex claiming assault. i'd arranged a lawyer for him to meet with half an hour before the hearing started and the lawyer we had seen the day before said he would probably get an adjournment while he sorts out his legal team.

i messaged him just once to see how it went. that was tuesday. nothing. i'm not doing fuckbook at the moment and so i don't know if he's been online but i doubt it. this guy is seriously depressed over this. he told me he feels suicidal at points but his daughter keeps him going. going to court with him, as a parent too, was a very emotional experience because i can only imagine what it must be like for him and having heard firsthand that there's probably nothing he can do but wait for his daughter to grow up and make her own mind up....wtf could i say to the guy.

he was so grateful for my 'help' although all i did was emphasise his hopeless situation. i'm worried about him to be honest. i don't want to get in his face about it though. i'm just hanging back and being here if he needs me....is that the right thing to do? honestly, i don't know of any alternative in any case cos there's just nothing that can be done to help him. if he had a stash of money, different story but he's spent it all getting no further along over the last 5 years.

this is a father and his daughter. even my ex who i despise, i wouldn't put through this just to make a point. apparently, he stopped loving her and that's why the marriage ended and she obviously isn't over it...and she's unhinged...but still, what the fuck do you do to help someone in this situation when there's absolutely NOTHING you can do to help.

i'm guessing i should do nothing?

🙂

i did get an address he was supposed to write to and report the lawyer he'd used. she won't release his documents. thing is though, as with the free lawyer i sorted out, the leo has to be fully resident and integrated into the spanish social security system to be eligible for ANY of this help.

typically for a british expat, he's got half the paperwork but not all of it and so on that basis, he won't get legal aid. so he's fucked.

he kept saying that he understood how guys just lost it and went on a rampage with a gun and cos i know he had another court hearing the day after i saw him, i can only imagine he's even closer to the edge than before.

i don't think he'll be able to do 'frivolous' right now, lol!! going to court with him was mega depressing!!

I wouldn't allow myself to be so involved unless he was my husband, the leo will be fine, their is 2 sides to the story, it's easy to point fingers at his ex but who knows what the leo did prior to the divorce to create so much animosity, IMO you've done enough, way more than the average person would do, I wouldn't want to be a part of something that serious that I didn't have a hand in creating, especially when I don't know the whole story from both ends of the situation, it's way too draining and you're probably wasting your time but on the other hand it's your time, your energy, your help. I can't see how you would do all of this over functioning unless you have romantic feelings for the guy but I digress-maybe you're just genuinely a nice person.

Posted by tiki33
I wouldn't allow myself to be so involved unless he was my husband, the leo will be fine, their is 2 sides to the story, it's easy to point fingers at his ex but who knows what the leo did prior to the divorce to create so much animosity, IMO you've done enough, way more than the average person would do, I wouldn't want to be a part of something that serious that I didn't have a hand in creating, especially when I don't know the whole story from both ends of the situation, it's way too draining and you're probably wasting your time but on the other hand it's your time, your energy, your help. I can't see how you would do all of this over functioning unless you have romantic feelings for the guy but I digress-maybe you're just genuinely a nice person.

hahaha!! that is very tiki to assume there are romantic feelings involved. my romantic feelings are actually directed in a totally different direction right now 🙂.

i don't think i'm an overly nice person either cos i didn't volunteer to get involved. he called me the day before the court hearing after we had already spoken about this situation he's in. i'm probably the only person he knows who speaks good spanish that could help him.

i'm mindful that there are two sides to the story and that is why i tried to focus on sorting things out for his daughter who is the innocent victim in all this and is caught in the crossfire. beyond that, i don't know the woman and i can't comment.

Offering emotional support, a quiet ear is the best offering. You cannot offer soltuion to the situation, so offer the next best thing..a good listening ear, and just letting him know he isnt alone.

It really means a lot to him. it did me when I was in court with my ex. You are a good friend, and he knows it.

You've crossed the boundary from being supportive to physically being involved, as long as you keep some distance between yourself and his situation, firm boundaries & discerned detachment from other peoples problems supports you as well.

Posted by tiki33
You've crossed the boundary from being supportive to physically being involved, as long as you keep some distance between yourself and his situation, firm boundaries & discerned detachment from other peoples problems supports you as well.

i have and i haven't really. he invited me to cross that boundary by asking for me to help at court with translation. i wasn't in a position to say no as i know the language barrier is a problem for most expats and its not unusual for me to do translation on a 'friends' basis. although i found the court visit a little draining for not knowing what to say to him, i'm completely detached from his situation and i'm not dwelling on it. i just have an underlying worry that it's all got too much for him.

fortunately, because i'm not a legally certified translator, there is a limit to how much i can help him and i've already put him in touch with one such translator who can take things from here....if he gets his paperwork sorted to be eligible.

i think the problem for me is that i don't feel satisfied that i've been of any real help. i think it's my libra influence that wants to sort issues out if i've been asked to...and sort them out to completion.

that's not gonna happen with this case. i can confidently predict more of the same BS for the guy too....possibly for the next 10 years til his daughter's 18. i'm not a close enough friend to take the baton for giving him emotional support....i just hope there is someone who can cos from what he says, he's pretty much alienated everyone in the last 5 years cos of this issue with his ex wife.

dont underestimate the power of just being there for someone in their darkest hour. We always want to be the grand savior, but really, its the smallest things that can be most powerful.

yeah thanks metoo! very useful. i've not spoken to him since the court date which was almost two weeks ago now. to be honest, i think it's a bit rude that he's not been in touch but i imagine he's doing the man thing of wallowing in self pity. at the end of the day he's a grown man and can sort himself out. i think i was just a random assistant, lol.