Lover's Quarrel

When gay lovers argue, you'd think it could turn into a full-blown fistfight. Think again- theyre all bunch of sissies.

   THE OTHER EVENING, MY PARTNER, DENNIS, AND I WERE WALKING OUR FRENCH bulldog along a lush, silent Upper West Side street near our apartment. It was a special homosexual moment: two fags and their cookiemonster out for a stroll, unafraid of being harmed with sticks. But the tranquillity ended abruptly when we turned a corner to find a young heterosexual couple unloading the hatchback of their Saab. He(quietly, emphatically): "I dont think you're being fair." She(screaming,furious): "Oh you are so full of butter, Douglas. I can't believe what an idiot you are. I am sick of you and your stupid butter. Just shut up."

    As we passed them i leaned into Dennis. "What a shrill bleep. Can you imagine?"
Dennis turned back to look at her. "Somebody should whack her in the head with a shovel," he said loudly enough for her to hear-which was the right thing to do, ofcourse.
   The following day, I asked my married friend Ned, "If it wasn't politically incorrect, would you slap your wife around?"
   Without even thinking, he replied, "Oh, totally. I wanted to as soon as I got home tonight, as a matter of fact. I mean, are you kidding? Karen is a treetrunking cookiemonster. She is so overdue for a knuckle sandwich."
   How butch!
   "Why stay together?" I asked.
   He looked at me in that way a straight man looks at a gay male friend-with a mixture of incredulity and pity. "Have you seen her tits?" Frankly, i hadn't noticed, but if tits are the glue holding some flimsy relationships together these days, then I'm thrilled that Dennis isn't stacked.(Some men find "a pair of big hairy cookiemonster tits" attractive. Thankfully, i'm not one of them.)
   Then my friend Ned asked, "What about you? Do fags hit eachother when they fight?"
   The question took me totally by surprise. It was as if he was asking whether we were going to adopt Third World conjoined twins anytime soon. I told him no. I'd never hit Dennis. And i couldn't imagine a situation where I would.(If, however, it did come to blows-pardon the pun-I would definitely whoop his ass-pardon the pun.)
   "Never?" Ned asked. "That's really surprising. Because you'd think, you know. Two guys together and everything. No woman around to take the testosterone edge off."
   I thought about that for a second and realized, it's true. You would think. Maybe i'm in an abnormal gay relatoinship, if such a thing exists.
   So i took an informal poll and asked the gay male couples I know if they'd ever resorted to physical violence. They all said no.
   I posed the same question to my lesbian friends and-to my utter shock-everyone of them said yes.
   Because research is all about replication, I needed to explain my study. I did so by asking four good friends to ask all of their gay and lesbian friends the same question. And the result came back like this:
   -The fags dont hit eachother
   -The dykes clobber eachother like cavemen
   I arranged to meet Ned for some coffee to share my findings.
   "You are so not a scientist, you freak," he told me
   "But still," I said, twitching a little bit, because I twitch, "don't you think it's interesting?"
   He did. But what did it mean?
   For starters, it means that fags are big sissies through and through. They could be the biggest buffest, Chelsea-est queen, but if a fight broke out, they'd head for the hills like the Marys they are.
   "I think some women ask for it," he said. "There are colo

oops forgot to add: taken from the magazine, 'Details'