Once in a while, everyone needs a good laugh...

Joke thread.. add your own....

😉

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Two buddies are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

So, How Blonde Was She—
^^^ made me laff!
here's my attempt


She was Soooooooo Blonde that:

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #4 she took bus #2 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She thinks Taco Bell is the MEXICAN PHONE COMPANY.

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.
The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU FUCKERS!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"

History of Medicine:
2000 BC = Here eat this root
1000 AD = That root is heathen here say this prayer
1850 AD = That Prayer is superstition, here drink this potion
1940 AD = That potion is snake oil here eat this pill
1985 AD= That pill is ineffective here eat this anti-biotic
2000 AD = That anti-biotic is artificial here eat this root.

Posted by TaurGuy
History of Medicine:
2000 BC = Here eat this root
1000 AD = That root is heathen here say this prayer
1850 AD = That Prayer is superstition, here drink this potion
1940 AD = That potion is snake oil here eat this pill
1985 AD= That pill is ineffective here eat this anti-biotic
2000 AD = That anti-biotic is artificial here eat this root.

It's funny because it's truth.

Pish. Get off that roof, I wanted my eye candy. *glare*