The Battle

My house is not a home. Home is where the heart is. There is no more love here. All there is, is denial and blindness. My house is supposed to be my refuge... How can it be when it's falling down?

A quarter of a century gone down the drain... And never a civil word to describe it. Do you know you've been fighting about the same things since I was three? I memorized all the conversations. Do you know I've always been listening? Crying in the dark?

I cry because you think you can tell me what to do yet you don't know what to do with yourselves. Why can people always control other people's lives better than they can control their own?

But just listen to me. I know I'm your daughter and I know I'm only 17, and what would I know of the problems of the world? I know of them when they get shoved in my face. Why can't you see yourselves from the outside? Can't you tell that you're both wrong? Can't you see how I see you? No... You're so wrapped up in yourselves you'll never be able to understand how I see you.

I may not know very much... But I always thought I knew when to conceide the battle in order to win the war and save the cause... When the cause was just... And I always thought that family was a just cause...

At least that's what you always told me...

I hate the holidays... It gives us all time to sit down together. Which is never a good thing. Never never never never never never ever a good thing.

But maybe this is right. I never understood why you got married to begin with anyway. Do you always make the conclusion first and then experiment. No. Marriage wasn't the experiment. Marriage was the conclusion. This is fine. Go your own way. Do what you want. Just never presume to give me any advice. Your advice is no longer credable. Don't think you can understand me. I wish you could... But we're too different. Don't compare me to yourselves. I hate it when you do that. We're too different. We're nothing alike. You have some major issues to work out. I may have problems of my own, but their nothing like yours.

Nothing at all...

I can see myself from the out side. I'm not paranoid. I don't think the whole world's against me. And I can trust people. And I know who I can trust.

But you don't trust me. You don't listent to me... So how can I trust you?

My photo teacher gave me an assignment over the holiday. He said to take a family portrait. I wonder if I should... I'll do, but just fot the grade. Family. What is family? Is it people whom you care for and who care for you? I'm going to have to take a picture of different people. I hate that song "Family Portrait" by Pink. I hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it. Why oh why the hell am I living it?

Why am I even bothering to say this to you? You don't understand eachother, and you've been together longer than you've been with me. I think it's because it makes me upset, and I've got nothing better to do. Do you know how upset it makes me? You can guess and you can imagine but you'll never really know. I hate it when two people I care about fight. I always intercede. But I can't intercede here. It's not my place. You won't listen. And it's frustrating, becuase it's more important than all the other times.

I should get an award for putting up with you for 17 years. You know how when my brother and I were little and we went on road trips, and you'd always turn around and warn us not to start anything and not to ruin the trip? Why did you never follow your own advice? My brother nows too... But he just hides. He doesn't know what to say. I know what I want to say. I just wish it was the right thing. I wish I had the magic words to make it all go away.

Anyway I love you.

Now I'm going to go hide in the corner and cry somemore while my house falls down around me.

Wow..is that your personal thoughts? Right on the button! I think ,any kids go through the same. As a parent, it makes you stop and think. Thanx for posting.

I wish I could say things will get better. Change begins within yourself...look after yourself as you know you can't change other ppl. And know that your paents are only human too..and fark up like the rest of us..even if they are completely oblivious to the pain and future problems they are causing. They love you...always know that!

I remember feeling as you feel...

Once when I was 14, I told them to shut-up and listen...I told them that they were waking their young children up...well, I told them lots of things that night...

They were shocked because I was the quiet, obedient child who didn't rock the boat...(until that night! That was the beginning of my career of being a 'boat-rocker' and I haven't given it up yet!!)

I love my parents! Are they a challenge? YES! Oh God, YES!! I am 44 now...so, that was 30 years ago...and they are still a challenge!

One thing that really helped me to see where they were coming from was in analyzing my grandparents and how they raised them...

I wish you could have your parents read what you posted...

Maybe when they are calm, you can let them know some of the pain it causes you and your brother??

You are absolutely right....many people can't see themselves from the outside...

Thank you for posting. I am the most unconventional parent I know. It doesn't mean that I am right. I just try to do things way different than my parents did...that is definitely one thing I did manage!!

I am glad you are able to see yourself from the outside. That is a very valuable tool to have throughout your life!

I want to wrap you up in the love of your angels and protect you from any pain...
But, even that won't completely protect you from the pain...

Perhaps communicating with your angels would help though...

Love you Morgan! Star

Lawgoddess and Star, thanx for your support, I feel a lot better just getting all those thoughts out of my head. My parents are wonderful parents, and they treat my brother and I great, I'm really lucky to have such terrific people as my parents... But I just wish they'd treat eachother better... I think I just don't know enough about their relationship to understand why they act towards eachother the way the do. I would talk to them, but I'm really afraid that I'd just make it worse.