I'm a Scorpio male.

So I'm 25years old now. I'm still a child at heart and I'm a goofball. I love to make others laugh and I love to laugh myself but I've done something bad a year ago.

I fell in love with a 16yr old girl that I didn't know at the time was 16. We never asked eachothers age but the personalities.. I fell so hard for this woman that even during my work weeks(I fly out for work. Home a Week/Gone a Week) I would call her or have her call me. I would be super romantic and always positively reinforcing her. She had/has a slight self-esteem problem and I loved that imperfection and I kinda feel bad for saying this.. but I sort of fed off it. I loved to have so much control and it nearly destroyed me when I found out that at 24years old I was dating a 16 year old. Granted, using the internet for dating services isn't the intent it just happened we met through a mutual 'acquaintance' that neither of us liked but I had just met and dismissed a few days later. But to the point: We dated for 5 months and I was head over heels. Her imperfection, her flaw, kept me fed and at the same time she had me wrapped around her finger. She could tell me to jump or twirl like a girl and I would take the extra step and buy a tou-tou.

Well I got scared. Overwhelming fearful of the repercussions from our relationship as any person in our situation should be, right? I wanted her to be happy and the last thing I wanted was for me to be taken away to jail due to the worlds laws and leave her heart-broken and confused or her parents move her away to another state and strip her of a means to tell me where to find her. So I ran. I pulled myself away from her slowly at first cause it hurt so bad to think about doing this.. But then, suddenly and abrutly(to her), I stopped contacting her for almost 2 months. I told her after 2 months that I just wanted her to have a better life.


A year passed and she was with another guy that all her friends said was a bad relationship. Well, one of our mutual friends contacted me and told me she was just trying to get over me like I got over her.. well, something in my mind had me reply "I never moved on :/". Because it's true I never did.. Atleast once a week in the last year I thought of her.. what could of been.. and my heart would hurt. I've broken several mirrors because the man I see is the man I hate for what I did. I will never forgive myself for it.. but this comment to her friend got her to talk to me again.. And like a derp, I broke down.

I broke down and I tore all my walls I used to have into shreds. I told her everything and every emotion. I told her secrets that I still keep from my own parents about my life. I threw her a giant tsunami of myself and basicly become a useless welp. She's about to turn 18 in march(She's an Aries). I told her I can understand not giving me a second chance, because I don't deserve one. I truly don't believe I do because of how I ended this love we have because of an age gap and fear of the situation in general. I ran and instead of talking to her I just closed her out, believing it was for her own good. But she accepted me again. She opened her arms and took my cold and nearly lifeless heart in between her blossom and warmed it back to life. We both feel the exact same love from last time. Just this time I'm showering her with so much I'm afraid I'm overwhelming her.. I'm scared that because I destroyed her trust that she is going to turn on me. I've talked to her about it and she re-assured me that we will see where it goes..

But here's the kicker.. A few weeks in she talks to a family member or something and suddenly tries to break me off completely. Telling me we're better off not doing this again. Of course, me being a Scorpio, I felt betrayed beyond all and yet I couldn't sting her for it because it felt justified for her to take this course of action. So I fought tooth and nail to the point I destroyed myself for the second time just to keep her. I covered all my bases, I asked so many questions. She stayed online and read everything I said so I knew she still cared it just hurt so much and I poured so much of my heart that now my trust is destroyed and I'm constantly paranoid she will leave me. Atleast I was.

It's been 3 months in again and in March she turns 18 and moves in with me if she chooses. We've recovered from it all atleast in my mind and I feel like it made our bond stronger to be able to fight through all this.. hell.. But my question, I guess, would be am I overwhelming her? Should I slow down? Should I build a few walls back to keep some of my secrets? It hurts to be so 100% honest and sometimes I hate it. I hate myself still for what happened a year ago and I'll never forgive myself I don't think even if she does. Is this healthy for me? I'm so scared and yet so determined to have this love..

From one scorpio male to another, please, build a few walls to keep some of your secrets, trust me