Parallax

I'd be interested to read more of your stuff, if you're willing to share.

First of all, I'm so jazzed that there's a Heather in this. lol.

But all kidding aside, you have a really good "voice" - in the sense that each character has their own way of telling things, and the reader gets a sense of their individual state(s) of mind(s). I personally found something (or several things) I could relate to in EACH of the characters' narrations.

It strikes me that you are very in touch with the adolescent mindset, which is admirable - in a personal sense, because you seem un-jaded (I know, it's not really a word, but flow with me) - in an author sense, because you clearly articulate the thoughts and feelings of teenagers with no adult affectations (also possibly not a word...lol). I'm not reading this through the haze of obvious adult interpretation. These are "my friends" several years ago, my crowd, this is what we talked about, this is what we cared about.

These are intelligent characters, which makes me want to read more of what they have to say. It's interesting the way it instantly takes the reader back to adolescence and their frustration/infuriation with their adult-run universe.

The fact that they (eventually) form a suicide pact is at once intriguing and depressing. Suicide is a really heavy subject to delve into, even writing fictionally about it is going to be a *large* undertaking (which I'm sure you already know). I respect your bravery though at tackling it. Is it going to be a dramatic thing, or is there going to be some kind of dark-comedy spin on it, or how are you planning on doing that? What is the ultimate feeling you plan to evoke in the reader?

It's too bad they're going to die, because I like these kids. But, the fact that I like them means that you're already setting this up perfectly, because the reader won't want them to end their lives, so it's definitely going to end up evoking strong emotion in the end.

I love reading things from talented writers. So glad you shared.

Hey Parallax 🙂

1) I liked what you said about not glorifying it (suicide), and about the fact that it is a tremendous waste of human potential. Very good point, I'm glad you plan to somehow illustrate this in the story.

2) I think that whenever anything is going through your head (with regards to the story, different characters etc), you should write it all down immediately or as soon as possible. I do that on the rare-ish occasions when I am poetically inspired, and believe me I have pages and pages of random words, fragments of sentences, things like that. Later I end up deciding where to put what, and how to make sense of my emotional explosion, so to speak. You may already do this, but I just wanted to interject my little "helpful hint" there, because I've found it works for pretty much any kind of writing. The most important thing is to get your ideas out there and immortalized, so that you can worry about editing later. Never edit your brain, is my silent little motto when it comes to writing (unless I'm writing in a public forum, such as this...then I'm more likely to edit before writing or before submitting my writing). You get the point, I'm sure. 😛

3) Raymond is hormonally charged, but probably no more or no less than any other teenage male. "I looked like a cross between a mental patient and an escapee from a Close-up toothpaste ad." That was absolutely hilarious, I just think you should know. lol. Painted a perfect image for me. (As did the descriptions of Carol Steele...you're quite detailed, but not overboard with it. You tell just enough to get a complete picture, but not so much that it's overwhelming or detracting from the rest of the story, or the "mini-point" of that particular segment of the story.) When "Raymond" mentions ..."45 minutes of leering", I suddenly disliked him, but the feeling passed when I continued reading and forgot about the leering. However, I'm not saying this isn't a good part of the story (the leering part), in fact as I said I think you strike a good balance between illustrating details and refraining from totally overwhelming the reader, it's just that as a person, or character, I suddenly wanted to smack him (if he were a real person). But, he's also being a typical teenager, so he's very smack-worthy, just generally. 😛 (I'm just kidding.) Anyway, the disliking Raymond thing only re-occurred a few more times throughout the segments you posted, because he's a tiny bit breast-obsessed (but again, duh, he's a teenage guy, what do I expect? lol) and seems to be very fixated on the looks of his female friends, even. Obviously you're doing this the right way, and being very honest about how young guys think, because I remember being annoyed by these things as a young teenager myself...lol...

I liked this: "At least when you?re mad you know you?re alive." I don't know, it just stood out for me.

I have to ask something, because I'm curious, but you don't have to answer if you'd rather it remain a mystery: is any of this story related to your growing-up experiences at all? Are these characters people you knew, or is all this coming from your mind? I'm just curious.

It's very good, and I want more. lol. You don't have to post more, I realize it probably takes a lot of time, but if you have time and would be willing to post more that would be great.

🙂

You know, I did get that feeling about Raymond, that he has the potential to also be this sweet/funny type (I can already tell that he's funny, actually). It's funny (how many times can I say "funny"? lol), he sounds like someone I would have been friends with back in the day. It's pretty intriguing that some of this is based in reality (I love finding that out about something an author has written, and then trying to figure out what actually happened versus what has been embellished/elaborated on for entertainment purposes, etc. I think I like the mystery factor). It just occurred (spelling...?) to me that I've never written a story even partially based on any actual events in my life, and the idea of it is something I really like. (Read: you're inspiring me here!) That's not to be presumptuous and say that I think people would actually be interested in or care about any experiences I've had, but then a lot of times I suprise myself with how interested *I* am in *other people's experiences* in life. Even little things, not necessarily earth-shattering things. I just find it interesting when people talk about things they experienced. It's fascinating how different all of our lives are, and how differently we all react to things that happen. Just for a random example: I was talking to my boss the other day (a fellow Scorpio, so you can be sure that there's very little "meaningless chatter" that happens between the two of us, lol) and we were discussing our most recent serious relationships. Strangely, her experiences were VERY similar to mine...the boyfriend who was once so doting and loyal and romantic blah blah blah...suddenly goes to parties without her, barely makes an effort to show up on time to see her, lies to her about everything, hides things, etc etc. And I'm listening to this and nodding, and we're "bonding" I guess over these somewhat traumatic breakups we've both had, and I ask her how it all ended for the two of them. She tells me that she finally got sick of it and said..."you know, we barely see each other anymore, you're off doing your own thing, I'm off doing my own thing, it's stupid and I want to see other people now". Whereas I, knowing for probably the last year we were together that I REALLY SHOULD SAY THESE THINGS TO HIM, was too afraid to break the ties and stayed in what was becoming a miserable relationship...and because of that choice that I made, it put the ball in his court to break the tie with me, himself...before I could (or, more accurately, before I *would*). I was proud of her, yet jealous at the same time...because I think that I should have stood up for myself long before he had the chance to you know, drive that stake into my heart. 🙂 Yeah, sorry about the dramatic wording, but you know, that's exactly the feeling.

My point, and I do have one, is that I am quite interested in the different ways that people react to life, and each other, and it's amazing how the choices we make can affect us for the rest of our lives...and all of us in different ways.

Sorry, I really didn't mean to go on about all this, but it was necessary to get my point across. I think. 😛

As far as the apprehension (although, I'm not sure that's the best word to use, I don't want to put words in your mouth) about dredging up a past experience of yours, if it was a traumatic one, I completely understand that. That would be difficult. And then to see it in writing, immortalized, is something that takes guts, so I think it's very brave of you to do that. And then what's going to be funny is if it's not a traumatic event, and I'm being uber dramatic right now. 😛 lol. In any event, I just generally think it takes guts to be able to write about (and let others see) your "stuff". Even if it's just everyday stuff.

Um, and now on to a lighter but equally fun topic -- YOU HAVE A FENDER STRATOCASTER—?? That drives me mad. In a good way. From what I understand those

Rod Stewart had some great songs, but he's just such a supernerd that I try never to analyze him. He's just a bit weird for me, with all those bangs and the girly clothes. lol. And you're right, that lyric makes absolutely no sense. I just sat here for a few minutes thinking about it and came to the conclusion that it does not make any sense at all. I hate that. lol.

I did NOT know that George Martin produced America! That's really interesting...I like that guy a lot (I wonder if he's still alive since doing the anthology...). He seems very, very smart, and he's so *serious* it's almost funny. His stories are very captivating, because you get the feeling he's really telling it exactly as it happened, sugarcoating nothing but being realistically smitten with the Beatles as anyone in their right mind was/is, and not afraid to show his love for them. But in a completely realistic, down-to-earth way, still able to talk about the bad sides of the Beatles experience.

My dad was the one who got me into the Beatles. From the day I was born he played their records all the time in the house, and I have vivid memories of being 3/4/5 years old and "dancing" with him around the living room to Beatles music. (I was too small to really dance-dance, it was more like being twirled about. lol) And all these years he's continued to really love them, and eventually when I came out of my "I'm only into dark depressing Nirvana music" stage as a younger teen, I started giving the albums another chance, since I'd shunned listening to the Beatles from probably the age of 11 to 15. And I of course came to my senses and realized that not all of the Beatles' music is happy-go-lucky pop fluff - not by any means - and even the songs that *are* are still incredibly good, pop or not.

I have never seen the movie Backbeat, but I'm all intrigued now. I've never actually seen any of the Beatles movies, "Help", etc...can't remember the names of the others. I want to, even though I've heard they're mostly cheese. 😛 I'd still like to watch them just to see. Ringo is hilarious in real life, I can only imagine how funny he would be in a Beatles comedy. lol.

That rocks that you're also a fan. Hmm...so Paul McCartney was in Wings when you were a kid...that puts you in the late seventies/early eighties as a kid. I think. Right? Am I trying to figure out your exact age? It's possible. lol. BTW, Wings had some kickass stuff too, but I can never remember the names of any of their songs that I like, besides "Jet", of course. "My Love Does It Good", is a pretty good one. "Lovely Linda"...did he do that with the Beatles or with Wings— It's good either way.

You know what? It's REALLY WEIRD that you mention the Hamburg Germany thing because that is the exact place I'm at in the Anthology book right now - exact. It's damn fascinating. In the book, they're suprisingly open about their sexual experiences as young men when they were there. Not in a sleazy way really, but I was still suprised they would talk about that. One of the Beatles said something funny about George being a "late bloomer" or a "late starter" or something. It was sweetly funny. Ringo on the other hand they all saw as being a grown up "man" when he finally joined, they keep mentioning the famous Zodiac Zephyr car and his beard. And I saw pictures, he really was all grown up looking, more so than John even. BTW, I think they should have stuck with the leather jacket look.

Yep, the Beatles album covers are great, expecially Revolver. It's very artistic. Oh, bad news about my old/new record player: the needle broke completely off a couple days ago. 😢 Long story, but it really shouldn't have broken off, even if the thing *is* like forty years old. lol. I suppose I could try to get a replacement needle, but this coupled with the speakers not working and I'm thinking I'm just going to buy a new record player. "

I have an extra bit of news about my guitar playing...my fingers aren't hurting as much anymore!! Which rocks, because I literally didn't touch my guitar at all for like two weeks recently, because I was so pissed off at it. Or, at myself. But I was reading the Beatles Anthology book and watching the dvds, etc, and anyway in the book John talks about the fact that it took him 2 years to become any good at all at the guitar, and he also would play, then let it sit, then play again, then let it sit...and I thought, if it took John Lennon two years to become any good at the guitar, then I need to seriously relax and not expect so much out of myself so soon. And anyway, about a week ago I started noticing that I was getting slight...very slight...callouses on the pads of my fingers, just like Libragirl told me I would. I was excited. Well anyway, a couple days ago I noticed that my fingers looked exactly like they used to, callous-free. So then I was bummed, because I expected to have big time pain again when I tried to play again. But, I didn't! It's like I don't have callouses anymore, just tougher skin or something! It's so exciting. What a weird thing to be excited about. lol. But now, I hardly have any pain at all (although, they do hurt a little bit still), and I played/practiced for THREE HOURS STRAIGHT today. I even learned how to play "Leavin' On A Jet Plane"! I can even sing at the same time. lol. I'm getting just a teensy bit faster at doing the chord changes, which is also exciting. Now there's only about *five* seconds between each chord change of complete silence .... hahaha! I attempted "Bad Moon Rising", which is a little faster paced so it was harder. I could do it though, if I wanted to. "Things We Said Today" is my next little project (Beatles, one of their early songs). Oh, and I can also play "Brown Eyed Girl" (Van Morrison), except I don't think I have the timing right because I'm not actually very familiar with the song, so it's hard to figure out how fast I'm supposed to play it.

Well, just wanted to update, since you asked (and thank you for asking!)

🙂

Wow, sorry to post three whole times, but I actually have a question for you that you may or may not be able to answer...take a look at this, these are the chords for "Things We Said Today". What's confusing me is that you see where the chords are written up above the words? Well, how does one know *how many* times to strum a certain chord before it changes? I notice that they don't tell you, so do you just ad lib it kinda, or for example do you just strum the A minor chord *once* when "you say" (the beginning lyrics) are being sung? Does my question make sense? lol. I thought I'd ask, because it's confusing me, so I've been ad-libbing. If you only play the chord one time, it seems like way too little guitar. You know?

Things We Said Today
Lennon/McCartney


Am Em Am Em Am Em Am
1. You say you will love me, if I have to go.
2. You say you'll be mine girl, 'till the end of time.
3. 'nough to make you mine girl, be the only one.


Am Em Am Em Am Em Am
1. You'll be thinking of me, somehow I will know.
2. These days such a kind girl, seems so hard to find.
3. Love me all the time girl, we'll go on and on.


C C7 F Bb
1. Someday when I'm lonely, wishing you weren't so far away.
2. Someday when we're dreaming, deep in love, not a lot to say.
3. Someday when we're dreaming, deep in love, not a lot to say.


Am Em Am Em Am Em Am
1. Then I will re-mem-ber things we said today.
2. Then we will re-mem-ber things we said today.
3. Then we will re-mem-ber things we said today.


A D B7 E7 A
2,3. Me I'm just the lucky kind, love to hear you say that love is love,

D B7 Bb7
2,3. And though we may be blind, love is here to stay and that's e--





(Repeat 3rd verse)

Um, the formatting didn't translate correctly. Here is the link to the real format, so you can understand my question better. lol.

http://fretplay.com/tabs/b/beatles/things_we_said_today-crd.shtml

lol - you know, now that you mention it I think you did post your age before. But I couldn't remember it/couldn't remember where exactly you posted it, because occasionally I'm stupid and forget things. 😛 It's possible I never saw that post though. But anyway, that's really cool that you were born the same year the Beatles came to America. (Coincidence? I think not, also) 🙂

Yes, never too late for Star Trek, although I'm not sure what channel they play it on these days. I'd definitely give it another chance if I came across it. As a side note, I don't believe you that you dress up, but the joke was quite funny, just the same. lol. Oh my gosh, TRIBBLES - yes - TRIBBLES! I loved those things. I think they were evil though; I can't remember. Still, I like the fact that they're pink, small, and fuzzy. They're cute, evil or not...

I'll remember that, about the movies (thanks for warning me ahead of time, because I am the type that if I saw one of the movies playing on television, I'd get all cozy and settle in, expecting great things, and then if it was bad I would hate all things Trek-ish for the rest of time)! The Wrath of Khan sounds good because I enjoy mind games. (Not in real life, but it's captivating onscreen) lol...Maybe I should visit the Sci-Fi channel and see what's going on there. I've seen some weird, weird stuff on that channel before. I have to say I mildly enjoy some of the old Tales From The Crypt episodes (was never allowed to watch them when I was younger).

THANK YOU SO MUCH for the guitar playing tips, you have no idea how nice it is to get some validation from a fellow player that it really is hard to get the same sound from just one lone acoustic guitar as you get on the albums. (Especially when trying to play Beatles songs, because they were so creative with the way they played...and also had so many instruments going at all the same time, like bells, horns, drums of *course*, etc). And your advice helped a LOT. I'm going to continue practicing the song that way. Seeing it clearly explained in writing was really helpful too, because the book I have *sucks* at explaining how to do anything, the only thing I've really learned from it is how to play the chords themselves. It doesn't teach you how to deal with rhythm at all. I've been looking for the chords to songs (cuz I can't read tablature AT ALL yet, it's way too confusing) on the internet and have printed out tons of songs, and that's how I've been "learning". And these printouts don't tell you how many times to strum anything either (and they don't show any notes), so it's been confusing. Your 1,2, 1,2 thing helped a great deal; thank you!

I can tell you're really musical from the way you so clearly explained how you'd play the song. I'm trying to learn that one right now because it seems like it'll be relatively easy for me...I tried "Obla-Di, Obla-Da" a few times but dammit, it's fast, and of course I don't have the bells, horns and drums backing me up so it ends up sounding like this very mellow, almost coma-inducing version. lol. I imagine once I can make the chord changes faster, and I'm just generally better, it'll sound better and faster. I've decided I'm pretty happy with my guitar now, even though it is a piece of crap $ 50 guitar. It sounds quite fine to me. I'm definitely going to need to get some lighter gauge strings, though, because those steel puppies are a you-know-what.

I'm feeling rather pressured to learn quickly now because my friend is coming from Australia in March, and he's in a band and he's been playing bass guitar for years, and I don't want him to be too disappointed in my lack of ability when he comes to teach me things. lol.

Well, I hope you're having a good night; we're having a wild windstorm right now and I'm actually somewhat concerned that a tree is going to come crashing through my window at any moment. 😛

Thanks again for t

Hahaha - The tree, the window, and myself are all fine (thank you for asking). I think the neighbors lost a shingle or two, though....what's the weather like where you are?

Okay, I'm very intrigued to find out what happens to Raymond and Jersey for setting fire to the locker. That's exciting stuff. I'm also curious about what exactly I'm seeing (perhaps only in my own imagination) between Sandy and Ray...I remember you said they used to date, how long ago in relation to what you've been posting was that? And I gotcha about the chronological order making more sense of things. I figured with time I would get a clearer sense of time frames. Even without that though, nothing's so fragmented that I can't see how things tie in together.

I wonder if the setting fire to the locker thing is a hint of things to come. In a literal and metaphorical sense...destructive actions/feelings/events, repressed anger, lashing out, etc. I hate to put such a morbid spin on it but it made me think, for some reason, of the problems with school shootings, school violence, that kind of thing that we (the collective we) have had in the last few years. I'm not saying that's the exact thing I expect the male characters to do, but I thought of it. Of course, instead of outwardly lashing out, there's a million other ways for teens to be destructive, and they can be equally destructive to their own selves as they can be to the rest of the world.

I have to say, I like Sandy. Her narrative is very straightforward with no airs about it.

As a side note, it's funny and weird but I keep imagining these kids' voices with New York type accents. I just like to imagine them how I think they probably would really talk.

Thanks again for sharing, I can't wait for more. And you have yourself a nice weekend, too. It's been good, all this.

"Too bad about your neighbor?s shingles. But truth be told if it was a choice between his shingles and your window. I?d choose his shingles." LOL, I will never accuse you of forgetting who your friends are, thanks for the loyalty. 🙂 (And, I have to say, I'd choose his shingles, too) 😛

We don't get HBO, but I've seen Sex and the City a couple times in various hotel rooms, except I don't remember the bartender. Lucky for us, I can grasp your larger point (lol).

I've noticed that you are using conversational dialogue, and it's really neat, because it makes me forget that it's a book and it makes it seem very real. By the way, the fact that Sandy does come across as so real, is, *I* think, a testament to your well-roundedness as a human being, due to the fact that you're equally talented at writing from a "woman's" perspective as a guy's. That shows a lot about you. Sandy seems pretty "saucy" to me. (I like that...I get very bored with female characters that are typical, excessively passive, etc.)

I have not seen the Tribute to George Harrison, and I'm actually pretty upset that I haven't. I really would have liked to have seen it. I really want to see his son play, and yes, Eric Clapton can blow the roof off. (isn't that weird, about the wife-stealing? Kinda disturbs me...but yes, I think George forgave him.) I also like the sitar (spelling?) stuff, a whole damn lot. Ergh! I really hope they sell the DVD or something in stores.

I forgot to mention that, no, my Aussie friend hasn't yet arrived. He'll be in my area around the 18th of this month (and I'm super nervous about it...lol...I wonder if he'll have an accent since he's lived there for like seven years now...do you think that's enough time to get an accent?)

It'll probably be a lot of fun. (I just get way nervous about stuff I shouldn't) 😛

Hey Parallax - just wanted to let you know I'm still very eager to read more of your stuff, if you've got it. I've had a distracting couple of weeks, to say the least. How have you been? Have a happy Easter, and I wanted to tell you that I can now play "Things We Said Today" up to speed...along with about 15 other songs I've been working really hard on. I plan to write them all down, the ones I can play and consider part of my "repertoire" (sp??) now. lol...and I will post them.

Your advice really helped, and so did having my guitarist friend here to physically show me how to do things - we played a lot together, actually I should say that he played a lot, I listened and watched a lot, and he taught me a lot. lol. He taught me a really cool way to play "Horse With No Name", and now it sounds a lot cooler than the way I was playing it...oh, good times.

Well, have a great day...talk soon.

Hey...

You know...it's "funny"; he sort of did break my heart, but he has no idea. Actually it's just the entire situation that breaks my heart. It's so funny that you said that. Because, that's what I was preparing for, before he came - some kind of extreme experience - either he's going to disappoint me profoundly, or make me fall in love with him. I'm trying not to allow myself to think of myself as in love with him, because there is only pain in that, because we can't be together. At least, right now we can't. Sigh! Doctor, can you prescribe something for the thinking? 🙂

Tell me a love story. Any love story. About anyone. I want love...

I should clarify - I would be thrilled to read anything. It's just that everything's blooming outside, and it's finally sunny here. I don't know what it is. I'm finding myself watching all the romantic movies on tv, too. :/

Songs I can play on the guitar:

Coldplay "The Scientist" (that's my latest one, and I have to fake a couple of the hard chords. lol, but I'll learn)
Suzanne Vega - "Luka" (at least, I think it's by Suzanne Vega)
Beatles - "Hey, Jude"
CCR - "Bad Moon Rising"
Jimmy Buffett - "Margaritaville"
Beatles - "Across The Universe" (except I don't have a capo yet, so I'm semi-faking that one, too)
Peter, Paul & Mary (and Bob Dylan, lol) "Blowin' In The Wind"
Peter, Paul & Mary - "Puff The Magic Dragon"
Simon & Garfunkel - "Cecilia"
Peter, Paul & Mary - "This Land is Your Land" (and if you're wondering why these aren't in alphabetic order, it's because I've got my 2 inch stack of music here and it's all screwy because I'll get mad halfway through a song if I'm having trouble and stick it behind all the others, so they all get crazy disorganized)
Simon & Garfunkel - "Mrs. Robinson" (a lot of fun to play, but kinda fast, especially the intro)
John Denver - "Leavin' On A Jet Plane"
Beatles - "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away"
Gordon Lightfoot - "Sundown"
Van Morrison - "Brown Eyed Girl"
Peter, Paul & Mary - "Five Hundred Miles" (I love how melancholy that one is)
Beatles - "Norwegian Wood" (except for the sitar intro thing)
Beatles - "Obla-Di, Obla-Da" (somewhat faking the B minor chord)
Seals & Croft - "Summer Breeze" (I just started learning it a couple days ago, very easy, I really like it)
Beatles - "She Came In Through The Bathroom Window" (started learning that one because my Aussie-slash-American friend said it's his second favorite song on the White Album...)
John Denver - "Annie's Song" (very easy, very nice to play)

My current favorite - "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young. Took me maybe an hour to get it down. I even learned my first little "riff" (lol)...it's after "...and I'm getting old" and then it's B string, 3rd fret, B string, 2nd fret, B string open, B string 2nd fret. At least, I think that's what it is...it sounds right...lol. Now I just need a harmonica for the harmonica part. 😛

The Barenaked Ladies - "If I Had A Million Dollars" (very cute little love song)
Trying to learn the intro to Stairway To Heaven, but I know the chord parts, which is good...but they're hard, especially stuff like "G/B" (what the...—) I don't know what that means, so I end up playing a quick G chord then switching to B. lol. Which I know isn't right.

Sarah Maclachlan - "Building a Mystery"
Beatles - "Eight Days A Week"
Simon & Garfunkel - "Me & Julio Down By The Schoolyard"
Trying to learn "Time In A Bottle" by Jim Croce, but I don't know sharps and chords with "7" or "5" after them, so it's gonna be a long while before I can play it.
Elton John - "Daniel" - very enjoyable to play.
Sarah Maclachlan - "Angel" - suprisingly easy and one of my favorite Sarah songs.
Coldplay - "Yellow" (have to fake a couple chords though, because I can't do them yet)
Beatles - "Golden Slumbers" - one of my very faves to play and sing
Nirvana - "Come As You Are" - fast chord changes, but easy, but always makes my hand want to cramp. lol. Because of the lightning fast "memori....a" E-to-G thing. Well, maybe it's just because I'm already worn out from the whole Em-to-D repetition.

Well, that's it, I thought I'd share...it's looking like more than 15 though. Wow. Yay? 🙂

*Wow*.

I think that was my first ever inside look at the experience boys have when they're becoming men. (Reading it, part of me is going, "Poor Raymond", and part of me is going..."perhaps the whole puberty thing is equally tough on guys as it is on girls, just in a completely different way"). The last sentence really tidies everything up nicely, and clearly (lol). I find the Captain and Tenille thing humorous, maybe it isn't supposed to be, but I thought it was cutely funny.

Needless to say, you continue to impress me with your writing ability and I would be willing to pay, you know, money, for the book *when* (not "if) it gets published.

Thanks for posting the two different version. I have a definite opinion here: I liked the second version a bit better, not because I felt it was more erotic (didn't really get that impression to any truly noticeable degree) but because upon re-reading them both, the first version you posted seems a teensy bit stifled, as if there is more to say that you're not saying. But then, I like a lot of detail, and a lot of insight into what exactly a character is thinking. It makes me feel closer to them and makes me care more about them and what happens to them.

*versionS*

(marsinvirgo)