Do I still love him?

or was it love?

So I was in a relationship with my aqua guy (now an ex) for the last three years. (sidenote: I'm gemini)
We got on well on almost every levels - we both loved talking, we talked away nights after nights. There was never an awkward moment or tension filled silence. He was the gentlest and nicest man I have ever met. So caring yet liberating, never tried to change me or forced me to do anything, he just let me be myself... but then there were some dark stories on my side from my past, and I could not really tell him those, because I was afraid of losing him should I do so. He was an honourable man with integrity.

The problem was that I was not attracted to him physically, sexually... the attraction, of course, was there in the beginning of our relationship. But then it faded away way too quickly - yet we got along each other so well and enjoyed our time together so much. We shared lots of common interests and beliefs. We talked lots, but then we did not really have to say a word to know what was going on the other's mind, because we thought alike and there was no need to explanation as in why and how we did this or that. Everything felt so natural and we did not have much need to compromise (yet we sometimes made compromises when there was need.)

We were like really good, best friends. There was devotion. Lots of it. Yet I'd say there lacked passion. And when I brought up the issue my aqua said 'sex is not everything,' - which I wholly agree(d), but then is it not essential to a romantic relationship, not to say a long and happy (even marriage bound -I had never thought about the M word before this man. This guy was the only one who ever made me think more than just now, the present, but about the future-) partnership?

I could not find any other man like him - on intellectual level, the faith, fidelity, the devotion, the same philosophy on life and so on. He was also the one whom I have stayed in a relationship with the longest.

Though lack of sexual attraction, tension and chemistry, I started doubting - whether I could really settle down with him for the rest of my life, or not? We tried to work on the issue. I had brought up the issue several times already, but in a playful tone lest he/or his pride as a man was intimidated and hurt - and maybe that was my fault, as he did not take it seriously.
But when I became serious, he did so, in fact, way too much, and the issue became too hard to handle for both of us.

Long story short, we tried and it did not turn out well. People say an attraction cannot be forced... I tried to reprove it... and failed, I think. I could not have sex with him, it was not happening. The sexless had been going on like for almost two years... and we were in a relationship for three years. At first, I thought it(the lack of sex) was not a big deal, because with my past relationships, lots of guys just seemed to want my body, not my mind, brain, personality or whatever I have as a human being and their human fellow. Or they cared about them, but maybe not enough for me.
The more we tried, the more frustrated I became... I felt sexually incompetent. And unsatisfied. I know I have a tendency to rush things, and (some) people say it takes some time to truly enjoy each others' company (sexually.) But what if the thing just gets worse, not better, as time goes on...

So we broke up. We decided to remain friends, though. We still talk a few times a week. Just texts, no phone calls. I called him several times but I got the vibe that he did not like it, so I stopped calling.
He is still very nice towards me, still very polite and gentle. And at times I hate myself for having let go of him. Yes, maybe for selfish reasons. But then I don't get myself 'why I could not keep loving this wonderful man?'
I doubt I will ever find a man like him again.

I looked at pictures he sent to me this morning and small notes along side them... they made me cry. I wonder if I should go back to him. I know I have broken his heart. I don't even know he'll take me back. I have a feeling that it would may not work out well even if I run back to him. I thought it was love... but then I am not sure any more. And people say you just know when it's love and when you're in love... well, not with me. My ex and other guys I had gone out with did say that I should stop dissecting love, the emotion and feelings, that I just had to experience them.

Sounds like love to me.

I'm new here so I hope no one minds that I just jump in.

I'd say you are going to have to decide how important sex is to you. You said the attraction faded away quickly so have you actually had sex with him? Does he suck at it? I don't think you should base a relationship on sex but I think to some it's a very big deal.

Posted by NotYourAverageAquarius
Sounds like love to me.

I have talked about this with my close friends and even some of my family members, and they said so - it sounds like love. But then when I told them 'the lack of sex' part, they differed. Most said 'yes, sex is not everything, but it's essential.' while others told me 'you cannot leave a really good relationship and love behind because just sex is not happening.'

Posted by AmuseOneself
I'm new here so I hope no one minds that I just jump in.

I'd say you are going to have to decide how important sex is to you. You said the attraction faded away quickly so have you actually had sex with him? Does he suck at it? I don't think you should base a relationship on sex but I think to some it's a very big deal.

I'm not like a sexpot myself. I am/was rather happy to have mind stimulating conversations with my guy than to pant between the sheets. But, we did not have sex, for like two years - and we tried, but I just did not become aroused at all. It really made me frustrated (as I wrote in the original post) Because I could be and was turned on by other means.
We had sex, like seven or eight times during our whole relationship... (TMI, maybe? but maybe some details would help people understand the issue?) though he and I was apart for the good half of our relationship due to his academy stuff. The first sex was good -not amazing, but then I've really never had orgasm or mind blowing sex my entire life lol-, then there was a hot make-up sex after one and only big fight. After that, it really did not happen and when it did happen, I hardly felt anything... I suspect I may be frigid. And that is why I feel bad about this whole thing and break up - very likely, the problem is on my end, not on his.

He's rather reserved and shy when it comes to the matter whilst I'm quite the opposite, so I told him directly what would turn me on and work for me and be aggressive and the initiator (and I can say that he appreciated me for my forwardness), and him being a considerate lover and a gentleman, he tried to comply to and understand my needs.

Even though I do not get pleasures from sex the act itself, I appreciate the connection and intimacy sex can bring to a couple. It's quite a different thing from being connected/on the same wavelength on mentally.

The conclusion I drew out so far is - that he and I were just not sexually compatible. And I hate it, if that is the case.
(though I know maybe I just have to accept it as it is... sometimes, that's just life :/)

That's right life isn't fair so get used to it. It sounds like you guys are wonderful friends who accidentally hooked up a few times. Personally I can't emotionally connect unless the sex is awesome. I mean mind blowing awesome.

Posted by AmuseOneself
That's right life isn't fair so get used to it. It sounds like you guys are wonderful friends who accidentally hooked up a few times. Personally I can't emotionally connect unless the sex is awesome. I mean mind blowing awesome.

I have never had mind blowing awesome sex lol not to say just awesome sex lol
Sucks to be me... lol

I guess we will just have to remain friends. I might want to go back to him, but then it may end up hurting both of us more than before and I don't want it to happen.

Life is never fair! I wish I could think otherwise lol but it was never fair and will be not.

You can do whatever you want. Don't go off of what everyone else is saying. Dig down deep and really figure out what you want. Never had mind blowing sex?! You are missing out girl. I don't want to turn you into a hoochiemomma but you need to live and find some mind blowing sex before settling with a guy that you don't want to have sex with.

Don't be with someone you're not sexually attracted to. It only causes major problems later down the road.

AmuseOneself & truecap... yes, I think you are right. Most of my friends said 'don't leave the relationship,' until I got to the sex part. I guess I just wanted to be sure... by making a thread here and hear what people on here have to say about the issue.

Thank you for your comments.

Metoo, thank you for your reply.

I felt terribly bad when I brought up the issue. The time I told him that sorry, but I am not attracted to you sexually any more. I do not want to go through that again. You're right - it doesn't help to keep revisiting it.

I'm not sure if he wants to remain my friend for a life time. I think I have hurt him much already... if he wants to walk out from my life, I'd understand that... I'm thankful for, though, that we are still on (quite) good terms.

I wish I could just lead a marriage without sex, but then I know myself better than that - sadly, I am too much passionate for that...

Yes, I still care about him. He'll be my life long friend, if he wants it, too.

Just my thoughts....

If you do not allow him the opportunity to get next to you, then how can true intimacy ever occur? Gemini and aquarius are mental creatures, and alot of sites that i read say sex may be more of a mental aspect for us. It seems to me that you have alot of issues that are hindering you from bonding with him. Have you been able to ever truely bond with any man? To me that entails allowing someone in your inner sanctuary and being able to merge on that spiritual level. It sounds scary, but thats one way I determine for myself how I am in love. I simply ask myself....can i allow this person to merge with my on a spiritual level? Another way I look at it is....as being an aquarius, I want to know my mate as deeply as i can. I have to. One of the ways this is expressed is through sex. And im talking about being in love and having sex, not just random sex. Its not so much as the act itself, but rather what happens, the feelings ans emotions and intensity during the act. This is why alot of people cannot have casual sex.

So I got a long message from my ex just now... and it made me cry again.
I care about him... I want to love him as used to, but I just cannot and it's sad, so sad.
I just hope that I have not hurt him too much and just want him to be happy.