some advice please

I had a fling with this aqua guy last year...we were fast friends before, I'm usually very reserved with new people but we became very good friends very fast and we used to spend a lot of time together. He used to flirt with me a lot but I never took him seriously because I knew that he had a reputation as a big time player, had a lot of women in his past, and was getting out of his only long term relationship which left him down in his solitary moments.
But one night the sexual energy between us took over and we slept together. It lasted about a month...a very intense month, certainly on my part. From the beginning he told me that this wasn't going to be a relationship mostly there wasn't going to be committment and expectations from our involvement; I was confused by it, hurt in some way, but I accepted it both because I was confused about what I expected from him or where I stood myself regarding him. And I definitely am not into pressuring anyone...
I had to return home and that was the end of our fling. We communicated little while I was back home because I wanted to cut the links and stop things from getting deeper and on his part because as he usually says he doesn't reach out to his exs. They usually do and I didn't want to be one of them. he's arrogant and detached about women that way...
When I had to travel back to his country, I had difficulty arranging housing from abroad and he offered to house me for a couple of weeks while I look for a place to stay. I was unsure about what this would mean but I still wanted him and was surprised by the invite as well because he is usually very jealous of his private space, esp. with women. So I stayed there and well...we slept together again for the 4 weeks that I was there. His close friends kept saying how weird that was since he is a very difficult person to live with and deosn't allow anyone in his house like that...that he must like me...But Again, the understanding was that we were just having fun and that I, he said, shouldn't have any expectations on what was going on, that he couldn't afford to get into another committed relationship. And I try not to have any, never question him about his private whereabouts cause I know he is obssessed with his freedom and private space...
I moved out less than a week ago and I don't want to (and told him) knock on his door like women do and I know that he was having an affair with this next door neighbor (yeah!!) who is older than him, a widow with two children (that he adores cause he loves children) and I guess he is her booty call or something...(they started sleeping together one night that her date had left her down and she crashed at his place) She doesn't know that I know that they are sleeping together; he had told me so one night (when I came back) in confidence cause he usually tells me everything (or a lot). She had come to see him one night while I was there...like very late but nothing had happened cause I was there of course.
In any case, I had to stop by his place last night and I found out that she had stayed the night over...He doesn't admit tht it was her cause he says that it's private information: that why should I worry about who it is anyway (of course the issue is that there is no commitment between us.) then he went on typical aqua fashion (allow me to say this please, it's not accusation!) to rationalize everything about how if he came to my place and found an opened condom case he wouldn't ask me who I had slept with ...that he would consider it my private business...that I have a right to sleep with whoever I want.
Fair enough I said: I had to communicate on his own emotional turf and told him that it's my business because of health concern...he then told me that well, you don't have to worry now: I used a condom, didn't I.
I'm sorry to bother every one with all these silly details but I'm really bothered by the fact that he is sleeping with her...(somehow, I so didn't ca

Thanks primegen for your kind analysis. Really appreciate!
Regarding me moving in and out of his life due to my work, I don't have much control over that. I know that I am going to be here until mid-june but then go back home to see my family and take care of some things for a month...the plan is to come back for the year if I get the grants that I applied for. One is almost a 100% sure but only god knows as always...
I definitely can't guaranty staying in his country for three years for him to consider us as an "item"...but he loves travelling and If it is worth its while for him, I know that he would join me back home at least for a while. His last girlfriend (the serious relationship) was a foreigner as well and they had gone back and forth...it did put an aweful lot of stress on their relationship and that was one of the reasons it fell apart. So I don't have much chance there with him I would imagine...

Regarding this last piece of advice: "I think you need to focus on what kind of relationship you want with him, not on what isn't working, usually when you focus on what isn't working you get it."
well, I'm afraid of even thinking "on what kind of relationship I want with him" because he has been clear about me not having expectations, because, he says, they ruin things...but even so, I still do somewhat in secret...but either way, I'll try to focus more on the positives and what is working...that is what has gotten me this far with him anyway.
and about the emotions thing: he is definitely the kind of aquarius who keeps his emotions under a tight lid...I know that they are there but darn it is frustrating sometimes.

Maia- I think that it is smart that you keep in mind what he has told you in the beginning and that he has told you that he doesnt want anything serious...usually when a guy says that --he means it, but it doesnt stop him from pursuing you because he is probably physically attracted to you and wants to have sex. THe fact that he has lovers clearly says that he is not looking for a serious relationship, at least in my book. THe thing that sucks for women is that is is pretty difficult (and i dont care how "detached" you say you are) for a woman to have ongoing sex with a guy and to not develop feelings...I thought i was "so detached" and i got into this booty call type situation and my emotions got all tangled up and i was a wreck. THat is why if a guy says to me upfront- I dont want a relationship-- I am grateful for that type of honesty, but i wont get involved with that person because those type of situations dont work for me.

thanks Nikki about keeping in my mind his voiced wishes. I do so everyday. The thing is that we don~t have a booty call type of relationship, at least not anymore...not since I came back: we were living together and I think that makes a huge difference and i hope that I am not fooling myself but that~s my feeling of it and other peopless response to us.... There is a lot of reciprocity on both side just no acknowledgement or committment on his side. theoretically I am okay with that but as you say, in practice we do get attached, as women, we are not made to stay detached...
Ironically, Primegen~s advice about getting what you project by your thoughts attitudes is true: I don~t suffer as much as if I had not repeated to myself every day to keep detached. So when reality hits, I still get my dear little heart more protected than it could have been.
regarding him and his fear of expectations: some of it is paranoia I think but some of it stems from real experiences with overly possessive females: that last ex of his (among others) wanted to have a baby of his, move into his house, afford to pay for his rent that he had trouble paying...he wants kids badly (was suppose to start having a family this year with his long term relationship) and she~s aware of that: so he thinks that any expectation or demands from me is of that sort that wants to control him ultimately. Like, when I want something from him...like for him to be more affectionate in public, I have learnt to phrase it in ways that he doesn~t interpret as possessiveness or desires to control him...and certainly not as demands but suggestions of what would make me feel good about our involvement together. I had to explain to him calmly when he told me about that baby stuff that it was neediness not expectations from someone that you are related to in some way.
So to get to primegeen~s advice about thinking positively: I do try and do voice some of my expectations to him: i want his honesty, his friendship, spend time with him and see how things go...and he is okay with that part.
But I guess the expectations that I keep to myself is that I explore this relationship for what it is and if there is a possibility of developping something more serious to try for that...should I voice that to him? cause despite it all: he is very broke right now and is trying to put his life back together financially and just can~t afford like he says to have strings attached...I couldn~t care less about his financial situation but i can~t ignore it either. I don~t want to fool myself but i think that this is legitimate.

Seems like two threads are running on this one...funny!

Primegen wrote:

"This makes me wonder about what he is saying. If he is the kind of guy I think he is, then he will not want you to have expectations because of what I said above. This could be an underlying issue and I doubt he?s come out and saying it if was. If he is financial broke, he could love you with all his heart, but at the same time, love you so much he knows he doesn?t have the funds to provide you what he hopes to and therefore not want to take things further and then be in the situations where he can?t. Do you think this may be a factor based on how he behaves? If this is the case, you probably need to help him change his thinking more than yours because he will be thinking how bad it is, and it won?t get better. And then a lost opportunity all because of money."

Yeah, you make perfect sense about the financial situation Primegen: about us women saying money doesn't matter (and mean it actually) but there are inner dynamics in the relationship that create frustrations in the long term and cause its demise. Well, money wouldn't be the only, only reason why he wouldn't get in a relationship but it is certainly one. I remember a time when he had asked me why I wasn't affectionate with him in public (my behavior was a mirror of his anyway; are aquarians wacky that way?) and I replied well, we are not in a relationship and you've expressed that clearly always worrying about your space. His reply was that he doesn't want a relationship and hurt me by promising one...I had replied that he is so full of it to think that I would want a relationship with him too, that he didn't have much to offer...I wanted to save my pride back then last year...he just sighed and said "yeah...I'm not midas."
So this makes me think that money is a factor. But it is certainly not the only one: it's not a year since he broke up with his girlfriend...and despite a brave face in public, I think the process of going through a "failed relationship" where expectations and idealizations where high on both ends hurt him so that he would have cold feet...added to this: this girlfriend was the only woman he had ever committed himself to. Women had always come and gone out of his life as clockwork. Would he have been so burnt by this one try that he would be beyond repair and revert to the previous state of things— esp. as an aqua.
Another concern: sometimes I think that we are going somewhere by him being great and devoting himself to me for hours, inviting me to hang with him and his best friend...in these moments I'm his "buddy;" we would just enjoy each other's presence...at other times he just plains ignores me as if I didn't exists. When he ignores me, I realize, it is when we are in the presence of mutual friends and I have a hard time putting the two behaviors together: from him genuinely enjoying me as a person, as a friend, and as a woman to him treating me as someone that he was in the least bit interested in to the point that my friend told me: stop sleeping with him, he doesn't want you, he doesn't see you as a woman.
That hurts BADLY...cause I'm very sensitive and also cause I'm wondering: is she right? did I imagine those other private moments?
Lost in the aquarian behavior...

maia... just out of curiosity, what is your astrological sign?

mmm moonchild...guess from my posts...
I'm curious about what you might come up with but I promise to respond after that...

i am going to take a wild guess and say that you are a water sign of some sort... just going off of what you have written in your messages. am i right?

Well, you're almost right: I'm a capricorn sun but I am dying in a sea of water sometimes...all the emotions right...
My rising sign is scorpio and neptune is in my first house though it doesn't connect with my ascendant (THANK GOD!). My venus is in pisces. What keeps me afloat are my capricorn sun, virgo moon, and uranus in the 12th house conjuncting my ascendant...
But that neptune placement drives me nuts...

my boyfriend is an aquarius (by the way) and sounds very similar to the guy you are describing. basically, i have learned to adjust my ways and through doing that the relationship has improved greatly. i am a cancer, so naturally the two of us don't click in many ways (mostly in terms of relationship issues). but i have found that with him, i had to do the adjusting/ changing in order to see a result come out of him within the relationship. it's been a long journey, and a lot of work...but definitely worth every bit of it! i actually think that we complement each other through our differences. i have learned to be a better person and to let go of a lot of my emotional weakness by being with him (someone who is not quite so emotional). i.e. i was extremely emotional where he was extremely unemotional... but really we show our emotions in very different ways. but we have learned to kind of meet somewhere in the middle, and that's a good thing! basically, with an aquarius male (being that they are a fixed sign) i think that the other person has to "make the first move" so to speak, in order for the progression to take place...

Thanks for your advice moonchild. badly needed it as I've been waving between just letting go or pursuing this. I'm afraid to try and get in too deep, that is my problem...
Good to hear that things are going well with you and your aquarius guy.

Is anyone on this site a piscean dating an aquarian??

Thanks everyone for your input. Regarding the mirroring thing Primegen, I'll try not to do that and reach out and be the affectionate one though not too much as I'm reserved myself. I think one of the things that have been keeping me from doing so or "making the first move" with him many times has been the ingrained values that have been taught to me on how a girl/woman should behave regarding a man. And I've been walking a tightrope sometimes with him on how much to do and how much he should do as the man when after discussing things with him, I realize that he couldn't care less in like pure aquarian fashion.
Now money and his wife: he wasn't "midas" before he got into this last relationship and she definitely had more financial flexibility than he did. When they did become a couple, they joined everything together and she was the one doing the spending for a while. They built an organization together and got some good money from that: it was a jointly thought project but that reflected more of his aquarian humanistic ideals. But she worked side by side with him and because of personality conflicts (my take on it) and other pressures (long distance among other things) both their relationship and the organization fell apart and he was left with nothing financially, worse off actually than before the relationship...and people who knew them would make snide comments about how she'd done everything for him, how she'd "made" him when he already had his own thing going on as a photographer before she came in the picture. I know that hurts him even when he puts a brave, arrogant face, and he's said that he never wants to depends on anywone, ever...
Finally, thanks moonchild and arianlatay for your inputs. I'll try to look past the superficial things and use common sense to see where he is coming from emotionally.

One thing i found out about Aquarious, eventhough i tend to love them (my dad, good friend and some girls i know) are all WaterJugClutchers, they are a proud, stubborn people. Don't mess with their pride, that's the fastest way to get rid of them. *Maia, this isn't advice for you specifically, its for anyone in general.

-As far as emotions go, i understand very easily where they are comming from. Air signs tend to not be comfortable with emotions because they don't register in our minds as logical so we don't really know how to deal with them. Its probably the biggest weakness and strength. Weakness because this can really mess us up if we don't address an important emotional issue, strength because if its minor it really doesn't bother us the way it would a more emotional sign.
-If you want an air sign to stick around, humor and intelligence goo a looooong way with us.