Afraid of getting hurt

I have to say that I am worried about dropping my guard to this "cancer" everyone knows I am seeing. I think I might have caused some questions to arouse in that sexy little head if his, and now I am wishing I hadn't been so guarded. I backed off him, out of fear, and now I think I gave him the wrong impression. ( sighs)...I am scared he thinks I might be playing mind games with him now, and that just isn't so. He wanted to go at this full force and I stepped back and he seen it. I have not yet had a chance to explain to him, but hoping I will. I told him I might be ova today, instead of tomorrow and I can't get a response out of him. Now I see visions of him looking else where, and to be honest I dropped my guard to this man. Who wouldn't as sweet as he is, and seems like mr wonderful. I was only trying to slow him down a bit..Guys I think I fooked it up 😢..

nah i am sure he is just confused and is in his shell right now analyzing everything..just be honest with him and tell him things were going to fast and it scared you and i am sure he will understand..good luck

what EXACTLY happened? Details pls LG

Listen there is nothing wrong with slowing down, if he really CARED about you, he would understand this, I'm sure he's a bit older so he's very clear about the rules of engaging a relationship with a woman...he's insecure, if he felt good about himself he wouldn't CARE, he would know that the only thing required is for him to be confident in knowing he can have you with or without the gift giving, he's off sulking because he does't feel he's good enough to have you without all the distractions of his giving...he's trying to figure out how to be himself around you and if he is himself will he be rejected...he's not being his real self with you

He's disappointed that his actions didn't give him the outcome HE wanted, you have every right to slow down and go at your pace, you didn't spank the guy you simply decided what is and was best for you which means you CONTROL what happens to you which means that he's sulking because he thought his ACTS OF GIVING WOULD CONTROL YOU AND CONTROL THE OUTCOME OF HIM GETTING WHAT HE WANTED, granted you could have spoke to him about it before acting on it thus it would give him time to understand and digest it, he's not that hurt, he's just feeling intense emotions and men withdraw when they feel intense emotions

He will be fine, he will be back and no you didn't fuck up, just go on with your life, don't chase after him it won't do YOU any good or make you look any more vulnerable or valuable. If he can't take your pace then maybe he's not the one, if he was soooooo into you then he wouldn't be off sulking, he would be doing something or saying something to ensure you remain a constant in his life. You deciding to not take his gifts is not mind games, if you took from him knowing you weren't ready for it then that's playing mind games, your being true to yourself and he either gets it or he don't.

Giving doesn't mean love, doesn't mean relationship or doesn't get a woman close to experiencing real deep love with a man. Him investing his time and giving you quality time is what's needed to experience love, the gifts are nice but it doesn't mean LOVE for a man, it makes the woman fall in love/infactuation/obssession but there are other things that make a man fall in love and it's not through gift giving.

"I backed off him, out of fear, and now I think I gave him the wrong impression."

"to be honest I dropped my guard to this man. Who wouldn't as sweet as he is "


Huh?

How is backing off from a man because you are afraid of getting hurt being interpretated as dropping your guard to this man because he is so sweet?

I can see the mixed signals just in this post ... I can only imagine how confused he must be right now, living this contridiction.

" ... and to be honest I dropped my guard to this man. Who wouldn't as sweet as he is, and seems like mr wonderful. I was only trying to slow him down a bit.."


::: scratches head :::

You've really confused me here with your intentions. If you dropped your guard down to him because he is sweet and Mr. Wonderful, then how is that trying to slow him down a bit?


So, can I then conclude (to makes sense out of this) ... that you resisted in opening up, and then you let your guard down to him, and then freaked out about yourself ... which has sent him into his shell because, quite frankly, this does appear as a head-game.

If your intentions weren't to do that, and you are just confused about yourself, as it is plainly obvious ... then I would suggest you NOT wait until he has decided to bounce on you, and write him a long letter explaining to him that you didn't mean to confuse him, and let him know what you thought you were doing = intentions.

P you have to read her other post to get the full picture, this guy is nice but he was moving too fast and was giving and giving and it overwhelmed her, she didn't know if she liked HIM for him or liked him because he was giving so she needed to slow herself down, gave him back the phone he gave her and he became sulky, she was letting her gaurd down not becuase she knew him well enough, she was letting her gaurds down (like most women do) because he was giving and his giving was the factor but she had a gut feeling that she needed to step back and look at things in a way that made sense to her

No, I didn't read the whole story, and don't really need to.

My conclusion was pretty accurate, no matter the episodes that took place to get to this point === she let her guard down, and then it freaked herself out, so she backed away = mixed signals.

Now, it's acceptable for her to make up her own mind in how she is going to handle her relationship .. my point was that "yes" she did give him mixed messages, as she feared she did.


"I have not yet had a chance to explain to him, but hoping I will. I told him I might be ova today, instead of tomorrow and I can't get a response out of him. Now I see visions of him looking else where .....Guys I think I fooked it up"


Those ^^^ portions of her testimony does NOT convey that she has decided to venture elsewhere to find a man .. it is saying that she wants to mend this, she wants to talk to him about it, that by stepping back she thinks she may have fucked up.

People would come in here and tell her ... fuck him, walk away ... which isn't really any help, it's avoidance, it's defeatism, it's just ignoring what she seeks and telling her he isn't worth it.

she must think he's worth it, for she thinks she has fucked up, and she WANTS to explain to him, to talk to him about this.


So, my words are in place to help her, regardless of what circumstances led her to this place in her life ...



If he mis-read the intentions, and has the wrong impression ... then TELL him what you meant, clearly, so he knows what your intentions are.

Communication is key .. in any relationship.

She cannot control how he communicates with her .. she can control how she communicates with him.

So, write him a letter, Lirbagirl, explain to him what you meant, and let his chips fall where they may.

If it doesn't work out, then it doesnt' work out .. but, at least you won't have to live with "what if's" .. because you will know that you did your part in conveying to him how you feel, what you think.

Well some men can be emotionally pushy and men know that giving to a young woman is pretty distracting, she's young and of course being young and not really have much experience she's going to accept and if he hadn't put her in that position day one, it would have never happened, she would have never had to deal with mixed signals because she would be liking him for him and only that reason, her mixed signals wasn't intentional, it's apparent that a young woman wants nice things and wants a giving man but at the same time, he put himself at risk of being rejected by attempting to buy her love and affection

I do agree that communication is key, talk to him face to face and let him know how his giving appeared to you, how his giving confused you because you didn't want to like him for what he was doing for you but you wanted to like him for him and the gifts although nice were a huge distraction, it made you feel confused inside and thus you stepped back to grasp and understand what was going on, after you explain to him how you feel, just know he may not decide to pursue the relationship, his style may be giving, his style may not be about being patient and getting to know a woman without the gift giving

I know you like him but maybe you 2 were never compatible, it just felt and seemed that way due to his distracting behavior

It is my understanding that she was married to a Virgo for 14 years ... so, I wouldn't put her into the young, nor inexperienced category.


In fact, after living with a Virgo for so many years, I'm actually astounded that she is so unaware of the whole matching of actions/words thing to even find herself in this situation.

She should be an expert at mixed signals .... words and actions matching, to be honest, from both positions = his and hers.

14 years of marriage means hardly no dating experience, so mixed signals can happen, dating world is nothing like it used to be

I couldn't agree more with you irishlibra, thus if a man is giving gifts and coming off as if he wants more from a woman it's confusing because it's really an ego driven action, he's more into controlling and conquering and women misinterpet a mans actions as wanting a serious relationship, no amount of charm, giving, good looks is LOVE and physical attraction doesn't equate to COMPATIBILITY

It's not hard to like someone that gives and makes you feel good about yourself through giving compliments, giving money, giving nice gifts and nice dinners, most times you don't even look at the person whose doing all the nice things, most likely that person is using his giving to distract you from the person he really is, there are some great strong, secure, well off men out in the world but make sure you know that part of him before taking from him, his actions doesn't mean real relationship nor indicates relationship longevity.

Actions in the dating world today are misinterpreted as relationship or potential of a relationship and someone always seems to walk away disappointed, it's very important to take your time, listen to your gut instincts and follow your truth and if something doesn't feel right for you meaning if you have to internally question his motives then don't dismiss it and don't allow a mans STUFF, his cars, money, nice looks, charm to lull you to sleep, these alpha males are in demand and alpha males are about power and conquering and yes it feels good to be pursued but make sure you have a balance and not commit yourself immediately to a man that you hardly know anything about, only time will tell you if he's right fit for you and all you need is some alone time to determine that.

One of the biggest mistakes I see thus far is women interpreting chemistry as compatibility and interpreting chemistry as love and mistake it for relationship thus she immediately commits to a man even when he hasn't figured out what he wants, if women understood that ANY man/woman can learn to create chemistry then women would stop falling so deep and hard in a one sided relationship

Slow down and educate yourself about relationships

From what I know about the complaining it's a ploy to get the woman in a lower position meaning he's opting out of being the pursuer of the relationship, he's looking for the path of least resistance, if he can make you doubt your role as the pursuee (the person being pursued) and make you fall into his role as the pusuer then he's managed to take your spot while you do his part of the relationship...I run from men like this..jus say'n lol

women are natural givers and very natural nurturers, what happens when men say ouch I made a boo boo and complain the womans instincts to give, fix and nurture kick in, she thus creates this imbalanced relationship were she's the only one giving and being too accomodating and the natural outcome is that the man gets his way but yet he also loses attraction for the woman because she's being too easy not easy in a sexual way but easy in a subservient way and plus he's gotten out of doing his part of the relationship which makes him lazy towards the relationship, he's no longer doing all the pursuing, his complaining flips her into the pursuer because she begins to give and do things to appease his pain/issues, which creates this feeling of lack in her, she's no longer leaning back and allowing him to show her who he is, she is now PROVING her worth to him, she's doing his part and her part (she is the relationship), she's doing 90% of the investing, he's no longer investing so the person that does the most investing is the person that is very protective of KEEPING the relationship and the man can literally walk away unscathed, she is taking herself into emotional deficit by not allowing him to contribute to the relationship and creating this imbalance and lack which creates neediness and clinginess, thus she begins to beg for attention, she becomes clingy and needy because he's no longer giving her anything emotionally to balance things out..

Don't let a man's 2 year old temper tantrums run the relationship, if he's complaining, just ignore him until he can put his man hat back on, let him kick and scream and eventually he will stop once he realizes that your not going to react to his immaturity

irish I would suggest taking a hard thought about your wants, don't worry how trivial or shallow it may appear, whatever it is, tall, money, nice smile, car just write down 10-12 things that you want in a man and then out of those 10 or 12, choose 3 that are must haves/deal breakers....so once you begin dating if a guy say has those 3 things that you really really must have then you can be more relaxed with him and relaxed about behaviors that aren't so attractive. It took me years to do it, I would never get around to it but once I did it, I realized that most of the guys I was dating or talking to didn't have those 3 things and I was able to shift away from those men and not waste too much of my time with them

The list may change as you mature and grow during your dating experience but this will keep you involved with men that you truly want to be around that possess the qualities you like

omen are natural givers and very natural nurturers, what happens when men say ouch I made a boo boo and complain the womans instincts to give, fix and nurture kick in, she thus creates this imbalanced relationship were she's the only one giving and being too accomodating and the natural outcome is that the man gets his way but yet he also loses attraction for the woman because she's being too easy not easy in a sexual way but easy in a subservient way and plus he's gotten out of doing his part of the relationship which makes him lazy towards the relationship, he's no longer doing all the pursuing, his complaining flips her into the pursuer because she begins to give and do things to appease his pain/issues, which creates this feeling of lack in her, she's no longer leaning back and allowing him to show her who he is, she is now PROVING her worth to him, she's doing his part and her part (she is the relationship), she's doing 90% of the investing, he's no longer investing so the person that does the most investing is the person that is very protective of KEEPING the relationship and the man can literally walk away unscathed, she is taking herself into emotional deficit by not allowing him to contribute to the relationship and creating this imbalance and lack which creates neediness and clinginess, thus she begins to beg for attention, she becomes clingy and needy because he's no longer giving her anything emotionally to balance things out..


I thinks thats whats going on now!!!

step back...let him stay in his shell, don't try to fix, appease, don't chase, plead, accommodate, don't DO anything, no nagging, whining, asking, no having the talk, no what's wrong...do nothing, the only thing you should be doing is RESPONDING and RECEIVING...let him come to you

This is why I tell women to be weary of the giving wooing syndrome because eventually he will stop and expect a return on his giving and I notice from helping women and my own experience some men that do this heavy charming Clark Kent persona are emotionally abusive

Ignoring a woman is emotional abuse for all the ladies dealing with the silent treatment...get out

silent treatment is about POWER and CONTROL, it's to control and manage a woman without physically hitting her, without actually having to sit down and say I'm not happy with this or that, men endure this bad behavior as well and anyone that is smart will LEAVE a person that does this

Being quiet to gather thoughts and understand individual emotions is a huge difference from being phased out as if you never existed, men that go cold for more than 5 days IS IGNORING YOU (not you specifically) if a guy goes from pursuing you heavily, being 100% available then go cold on you with no explanation, it's a form of abuse, I believe women don't want to admit this because most of us have been trained and managed to deal with it and that would mean most women would have to WAKE UP and stop accepting this kind of behavior, there is no reason EVER outside of a huge loss that a man should ignore you, yes men withdraw when heavy emotions are displayed but it doesn't take weeks to process it, I believe being ignored is one of the cruelest things people do to one another outside of being physically hit and I have heard women that have been in physical abusive relationships say they would rather be hit than be ignored, it's cruel and any woman that has dealt with a man that uses not talking as a weapon understand what I mean

Anything past 5 days of no talk is a form of emotional abuse, no one should ever leave his/her partner hanging that long unless you BOTH have sat down and talked about it because of schedules etc, anyone can google silent treatment and you will be told it's a form of emotional abuse, the thing about emotional abuse..it is very subtle and some women don't even KNOW they are being emotionally hurt, they feel it but don't know what to do about it, don't know what it is and don't want to believe that the man they like and love would create such a toxic situation, there are men that use not talking as a weapon to control the relationship, control the woman and control the situation

I will say this, only the individual person can determine if it's abuse or not, if he doesn't talk and your okay with it, you actually feel freer without it then it's fine but if it hurts you, if you feel like your dying inside, if you cry, if you feel disillusioned by it then it's a form of emotional abuse

I agree that men communicate differently, most of us know understand this but there are far too many men using waiting, using affirmations of love, using emotions, using charm, using good looks, using money/gift giving, gleaning information out of a person and using it, using the smallest most beautiful thing that makes relationships fun and unique as a weapon to control another human being, libragal he was using the gift giving and wooing as a form of control when it didn't work he backed all the way up and now NOTHING....this is how YOU/a person can tell if another human being is behaving in a methodical insidious way...Is the giving/charm real or is it a method to GAIN control?

Part of knowing if a person is sincere is how does the other person react to your boundaries, does he/she immediately modify and honor your boundaries or does he/she withdraw because of it, if the other person tries to punish you by withdrawing or ignoring then this person is probably unhealthy and doesn't want a healthy relationship or even know what a healthy relationship is, which makes it difficult for that person and will cause the person to withdraw from you, and this isn't just a man thing even women are learning to control by proxy, they are learning to control through giving too much love, being super accommodating, learning to control through other people and through EMOTIONS and women and men must WAKE UP...get a book, study, google and learn so you won't fall prey

This is what has went on. I posted that, and went to his house Thursday as I said I was going to. The 2nd day in he got really really sick. Throwing up among other things. I took care of him, pampered him and showed him I cared. HE broke down and told me how much he adored and cared for me, and wanted me to know that no woman has treated him that good before. We did not make the x-mas party I was speaking of b/c he got sick, so Saturday I went to work, and he has been withdrawn, distant and cold. On the way home I told him that I am starting to care a great deal for him. His normal routine would be a text early in the morning. Good morning beautiful, then through out the day he will text me to see how my day is going. Let me know when he is leaving work. Just communication ya know? ..Now I get nothing..Now one would grasp that it might be b/c I was forth coming on telling him I am starting to care for him, but I sit think with your guys advice that he is wanting me to do what he has been doing to me. I really hate this whole dating thing. I mean why can't we just not mess with people emotionally. Just when you think you could really care for a person for who they are, they pull a 180 on you...

UC I can tell you accept being ignored lol but it's cool I hear what your saying, most women put up with it, deal with it and make excuses for it, they would much rather do that then leave because she is heavily invested and don't feel they have any other option or control but to put up with it...

Honey you are hooked and once a man (men like this..not all men) know you have been conquered and hooked in...you are now noticing there is no interest outside of YOU doing all the work, now he's gone cold and only will pay attention if he feels he's going to get something...pay attention to how that makes you feel iniside, it makes you feel most likely desperate, clingy, needy and it makes you wanna DO something to get it back to the way it was...this is why I say STOP doing anything..let him come to you so the relationship will balance itself out again...he's an assclown, deal with it or get out, it won't change again this is why I say be weary of the so called wooers and givers, once hooked he will dole out crumbs and you will be doing any and everything to get it back to the way it was and it will NEVER be that way again and as your working hard you are also increasing within yourself the feeling of neediness...you notice you took care of him, gave to him, text him...the roles have officially been reversed...he is now were you ONCE used to be

UC you said it brilliantly..."if a guy is not talking to me, I assume we are not involved " your relationship smart and that's the key to healthy self esteem...these women are in imaginary relationships, which leads to emotional abuse because the men don't assume any obligation to keep in contact or to treat the woman like a girlfriend, so the woman is forcing the situation by not taking his actions as truth and by not letting go when its time to let go and it's time to let go when you feel miserable daily due to his lack of actions within the relationship and not lettting go is toxic because it creates more tension and emotional abuse...your right it takes 2 to tango and that is why I tell women if they are not satisfied and the man is not modifying his behavior to appease the situation...get out

when I say let go, lemme be clear, I say let go as in let go of what you want him to be, see him for him and then decide if you really want this man, letting go is more about letting go of concepts that you want, letting go of what you want it to be and seeing things as they really are...letting go isn't a bad thing and I don't know why women are so eager to hold on to what doesn't work...libragal look at the whole situation and you decide if it's worth it, only you can determine if he's what you thought you wanted or what you really truly want, there is no man shortage, there are men everywhere, just look at the bigger picture and see if he fits and if you feel he's too high maintenance then let him go, doesn't mean you have to cut all contact, you simply let go of what doesn't work for you

Just for the record guys he has asked me to be his g/f

Ok I read the rest of the comments and I really appreciate all the help. I can understand on many different aspects of where you guys are coming from, but I am going to go into depth more now. He did ask me to be his g/f Friday night, and said he wants to be the only man in my life and that he loves me more than he has ever any other girl. That I am the best thing to happen to him. He was very forthcoming on telling me how much he cares and that he wants me and only me in his life. We shared a VERY emotional night, one that I am not making quick judgments on b/c he let me know where everything stood with him, so that is why I am stepping back going wtf happened and why is he this way now.

well men do withdraw when heavy emotions have been displayed especially if you reciprocated heavy emotions back to him. Let him come to you

tiki33 thanks for helping me hun

lol LK can I take you when I go out on a date? I will have you ask all the really hard questions for me d:

lol! Well he gets him 2 times a week when I am not with him, and we have both come to a conclusion not to bring the baby in the picture until we know it is solid. I don't want a child to be yanked in if it doesn't work.

They have joint custody of him. She is being stingy with him, saying she wants him when he tries to get him more. She is trying to hold the child over his head. I thought the same thing, until I was there when she called and he ask for him 2 extra days. I heard her say NO, that she wants him then, and it happens every time. Shes a major bitch!

ok I digress I missed the part about him having a child, not sure how that happened... LK is better with this issue in dealing with kids, love kids but rarely date men with kids...so i'm going to have to hand LK the floor on this issue

He works week-ends..Therefor he gets him Mon and Tues..Sees me wed-Fri (sometimes sat) ...He sees him in the 2 days but he wants more and I heard her b i t c h about him wanting more. He said if she keeps it up he is taking her to court. He is paying his child support already. I seen the papers on it, and when he gets him. Its just her thats causing problems

I was hesitant on seeing him over this. I don't have kids of my own, and thought ok, I am not use to kids here, and do I really want a man that has one with someone else. Then I started asking questions about what the deal was. She is mad at him b/c he will not give her a second chance so shes using the kid as revenge

The thing that pisses me off, is she calls him up asking can he come fix the cable. I was like wtf? She asks him to do stupid crap when she can do it herself

The one thing that I have actually heard other men discuss multitudes of times, if the child is not 8 yrs of age or older then your going to go through tons of drama, I have actually heard men say they will not date a woman with a child under 10 even with the courts involved, be sure your ready for that, I hate to say it but the men also revealed that they were still sleeping with there childs mom during those first few years although they were separated...ewwwww lol

"yeah and does he go fix the cable?"

ROTFL!! Sorry libragal I know this is a serious issue but LK cracking me up over here

probably why he was wooing and giving those gifts so freely, he knew if you got a whiff of that non-sensical drama you wouldn't hesitate to run out the door d:

i'm sure other women have rejected him over his issues with his ex and baby, probably couldn't take another rejection and felt the need to hold on to you

Okay so he has his domestic partner which I know is doubling up his taxes because I worked in HR, then he has his 2 kids, he's paying a whopping piece of change... $ 500 or more yeeeeeeeesh

oh and child support for 2 kids...Does he even have a check left? I'm sure he's paying around $ 1200 just for benefits and child support alone..wow...yeah hmmm libragal make sure you know what your doing...research so you will be prepared

I know guys. and LOL@ the "and does he go fix the cable?" ..I found humor in that to. He did not go, and I told him if this was going to work the only person that should be put before me is his son. I have set my limits and if he doesn't follow them I am out. I will not stand for being put 3rd , and her sitting at second still. That's BS. As far as dating a divorced man with a kid, nope. This is my only real relationship that I have had since my divorce. I have been for a year though, unlike him. It just sucks to be my age and have to deal with guys that u meet. I mean 80 percent of them are divorced with kids. So it seems. See I passed up guys because they had kids, but this one is 16months old and he has no other kids. The chemistry was off the charts, as well as the sexual tension if ya know what I mean.

When a woman reaches a certain age I found out that your prince that lights your fire is harder to find than that as to when you was younger. 32 and married to the same man since I was 17. I am standing back going wtf, looking at all the prospects and what you have to think about when you was a kid things are different. Not to mention I am not use to all the dating crap, and the mind games I find out they play

LMAO@ask him the last time he had sex with her. ask him to his face. watch for the lie signs...Oh geeeesh, he probably hasn't stopped, hint hint come FIX my cable

Yeah I thought about that, but he didn't go

Yes domestic partners get screwed and go figure women are putting there boyfriends on there insurance and calling us like were stealing from them, we say drop him or put him on your taxes at the end of the year because a person can end up OWING money due to how they are being taxed at the end of the year...sucks for sure

I laughed so hard about the fancy dancy marriage, I have no words, hey times are hard celophane is IN now LOL

Maybe MACHO MAN will put the kids on his insurance plan...hmmmmm

ask him the last time he had sex with her. ask him to his face. watch for the lie signs.


I'm going to, I thought about asking him Friday night. It did cross my mind more than a few times

Why do ex's have to be like a blister on our rears? I mean seriously, they didn't want them but when they find out they are with someone else KABOOM....

Libragal, I know this is all very exciting then confusing and all with your cancer guy, but something is not right with this whole picture.

Coming on like a freight train and professing his love so quickly, buying you a phone w/in the first week, etc.

Also, the custody thing is bothersome as well.
He works weekends so he cannot have his child on weekends (?) yet you guys still see each other on Fri nights and sometimes Saturday?

Somethins fishy

He works Sat Sunday and Mondays...When he takes off Saturdays we do see each other. I leave Friday

Question: Why are you leaving on Friday? I mean the baby isn't old enough to really talk correct me if I'm wrong, if your a part of his life then what is preventing him from spending time with you and the baby at the same time...Is she there with him during these visits?