paries
@paries
14 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 247 · Topics: 22
Best way to handle crab's bad moods??
Steer clear! All he needs is some shelling alone time.....asking whats wrong sometimes can agitate more depending personality .....he will appreciate the alone time you allow him
Posted by Maddy
This happens with my crab sometimes. He usually is quiet when moody, if he's pushed/pressured too much he can get mean, that's when I won't have it if he gets nasty, other than that I leave him alone and he gets better fast. He needs time to recharge his batteries so do I.
I'd say just leave him alone when he's moody, or ask him straight up if he wants to be left alone.
When he gets quiet I can handle it. I actually find that in that state, he tends to respond well if I put my hand on his leg or if I gently caress him. When he's in his quiet state he usually will talk to me about whatever is on his mind. The nastiness/coldness however, comes without warning - and this is what I have a hard time handling.
I walked away from him once when he suddenly lashed out at me. (Actually, I quietly stormed out of the room, clearly miffed). I waited for him to come to me and apologize/explain but he didn't. Eventually (hours later) I went to him because I couldn't stand the silence anymore. And I was angry and hurt and sad. I didn't say anything. I just stood in front of him quietly. He immediately grabbed me in an embrace and began to act very tenderly towards me.
Sometimes on the phone he sounds "bothered" and I can't talk to him. It just gets awkward - like when we talked on the day of our cancelled date. I just said that I'll talk to him another time. But I hung up the phone feeling bummed.
I know that eventually he will explain why he said or did what he did or why he acted distant/cold/withdrawn (and according to him, it's never my fault). But in the meantime, what do I do in the heat of the moment? How do I react when my feelings count too? Maybe what I'm really asking is how do I not take it personally?
It's hard not to take it personally, especially when it comes out of no where.
What you do when he is quiet is great, and he seems to respond to it as I would. When he becomes upset, let him know you are there when he's ready and you are going to give him his space. If you up and take off, he already knows he prob has upset you and not meaning to, so he may be leary in approaching you if he thinks you're upset.
The hardest thing to remember,and where people often are dumbfounded is the horrible amount of emotions and things that go through our head at any given time. One min we're happy, and the next we're upset. One thought or thing can trigger that. So much of us are by association. At least me. I associate people, places, things and it can trigger my emotions. Things that havent even happened yet or may not happen yet, just the thought can send me into a tailspin.
For me too, I wear so many faces and masks. I can be dying on the inside and smiling on the out. Listen to Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Clown. If any other Cancer is like me, they will relate to that song so much as I do.
Reading your post makes me sad. I know I do what he does. If I put myself into his thoughts and heart, he feels horrible. And it's not fair to you. And he appreciates you more than words. His hugs are his way of showing you how much he loves you, thanks you, and appreciates you both as a person, but as a woman and one who loves him enough to stay with him, and at times where he feels he doesnt deserve it and youd be better off without him.
Apologies are hard. I'm learing more and more to say them. It doesnt mean we arent sorry if you dont hear them, its we dont know how or where to begin because it means admitting AND revealing a lot, and things you may not get or understand, or see where we were coming from, or admitting we were wrong, or just plain we are past it so let's just forget about it all. Not fair, I realize.
Amazingly enough, we wonder why people walk out and grow tired of us.
What you do when he is quiet is great, and he seems to respond to it as I would. When he becomes upset, let him know you are there when he's ready and you are going to give him his space. If you up and take off, he already knows he prob has upset you and not meaning to, so he may be leary in approaching you if he thinks you're upset.
The hardest thing to remember,and where people often are dumbfounded is the horrible amount of emotions and things that go through our head at any given time. One min we're happy, and the next we're upset. One thought or thing can trigger that. So much of us are by association. At least me. I associate people, places, things and it can trigger my emotions. Things that havent even happened yet or may not happen yet, just the thought can send me into a tailspin.
For me too, I wear so many faces and masks. I can be dying on the inside and smiling on the out. Listen to Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Clown. If any other Cancer is like me, they will relate to that song so much as I do.
Reading your post makes me sad. I know I do what he does. If I put myself into his thoughts and heart, he feels horrible. And it's not fair to you. And he appreciates you more than words. His hugs are his way of showing you how much he loves you, thanks you, and appreciates you both as a person, but as a woman and one who loves him enough to stay with him, and at times where he feels he doesnt deserve it and youd be better off without him.
Apologies are hard. I'm learing more and more to say them. It doesnt mean we arent sorry if you dont hear them, its we dont know how or where to begin because it means admitting AND revealing a lot, and things you may not get or understand, or see where we were coming from, or admitting we were wrong, or just plain we are past it so let's just forget about it all. Not fair, I realize.
Amazingly enough, we wonder why people walk out and grow tired of us.
Posted by OceanDeep
It's hard not to take it personally, especially when it comes out of no where.
Exactly!
Posted by OceanDeep
What you do when he is quiet is great, and he seems to respond to it as I would. When he becomes upset, let him know you are there when he's ready and you are going to give him his space. If you up and take off, he already knows he prob has upset you and not meaning to, so he may be leary in approaching you if he thinks you're upset.
Thanks. This is helpful.
Posted by OceanDeep
The hardest thing to remember,and where people often are dumbfounded is the horrible amount of emotions and things that go through our head at any given time. One min we're happy, and the next we're upset. One thought or thing can trigger that. So much of us are by association. At least me. I associate people, places, things and it can trigger my emotions. Things that havent even happened yet or may not happen yet, just the thought can send me into a tailspin.
This is also helpful info. I did ask him once about triggers and he said that he hadn't thought about it before - but it is possible that some of my innocent words/actions trigger a negative association.
Posted by OceanDeep
For me too, I wear so many faces and masks. I can be dying on the inside and smiling on the out. Listen to Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Clown. If any other Cancer is like me, they will relate to that song so much as I do.
I don't have time now, but I will look up those lyrics. 🙂
Posted by OceanDeep
Reading your post makes me sad. I know I do what he does. If I put myself into his thoughts and heart, he feels horrible. And it's not fair to you. And he appreciates you more than words. His hugs are his way of showing you how much he loves you, thanks you, and appreciates you both as a person, but as a woman and one who loves him enough to stay with him, and at times where he feels he doesnt deserve it and youd be better off without him.click to expand
This makes me understand him a little better and it makes me feel a little better. Thanks.
Posted by OceanDeep
Apologies are hard. I'm learing more and more to say them. It doesnt mean we arent sorry if you dont hear them, its we dont know how or where to begin because it means admitting AND revealing a lot, and things you may not get or understand, or see where we were coming from, or admitting we were wrong, or just plain we are past it so let's just forget about it all. Not fair, I realize.
My crab actually does apologize fairly often. At first it would take him days. Now he usually (but not always) apologizes as soon as he's realized what he's done and/or that he's hurt my feelings. At least he does know that he is capable of behaving quite badly at times.
Posted by OceanDeep
Amazingly enough, we wonder why people walk out and grow tired of us.click to expand
Believe me. I've thought about walking out. I know that all of his other exes did.
Thanks OceanDeep. Your comments really resonated with me. (Thanks to Maddy and iwin too) 🙂
P.S. Sorry for all the hidden posts. I was having trouble quoting and the same comment showed up 3 times!
Just flow with it and don't take it too personally, coming from my experience. Think of the way they usually are and remember everyone needs to be cut a break once in a while. I usually pretend nothing's up and treat them extra gingerly whereas with other people, I'd probably ask what's wrong.
Very nice post, Ocean. You articulate very well. I apply everything you said to my situation. Soothes the pain. 🙂
Posted by MoonBunny
Us crabs are not flawless. There is much we must learn, and perfect!click to expand
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa—? We're not flawless, and have things to perfect—??!!! 😛
Posted by BigGirlPanties
Very nice post, Ocean. You articulate very well. I apply everything you said to my situation. Soothes the pain. 🙂
🙂 That makes me feel good, and to know too it helped soothe your pain!! Sending you cyber hugs too (((HUGS))) 🙂
In all seriousness, I do like to have things pointed out to me. And even if I huff and puff sometimes about it, 99% of the time I will reflect afterwards and more than likely see the other person's point or side. If I don't, I will still acknowledge it, and explain my side or POV.
If we can't agree, then I ask for us to agree to disagree or that in the future, they need to look at that part or point of which I am defending myself over and realize too that they are now made aware of the fact.
Not meaning bad behaviour on my part or being hurtful to someone knowingly (not condoning stuff like that or what OP goes through), but if I feel I was wronged or slighted in which I reacted to them or the situation, it too becomes their responsibility in the future to understand my POV and by doing so it helps both parties understand each other, and too help prevent the same cycle repeating itself.
If we can't agree, then I ask for us to agree to disagree or that in the future, they need to look at that part or point of which I am defending myself over and realize too that they are now made aware of the fact.
Not meaning bad behaviour on my part or being hurtful to someone knowingly (not condoning stuff like that or what OP goes through), but if I feel I was wronged or slighted in which I reacted to them or the situation, it too becomes their responsibility in the future to understand my POV and by doing so it helps both parties understand each other, and too help prevent the same cycle repeating itself.
And to paries, you are more than welcome. I'm glad I could help give some insight ... albeit frustrating as it is being on the inside of the "crabby underworld" like you are.
Thanks for all the feedback. I've only just skimmed through them. I don't have time now, but I will read them more thoroughly at some point tomorrow and add my response 🙂
My crab unfortunately does do this regularly. The positive side is that he is aware that it's a big problem. He is aware of how he treats people when he's in a bad mood and he feels badly for it.
I've also become much better at letting him know how his mood swings effect me - both in the moment that he takes his frustration out on me and in general.
He wants to change his behaviour. The problem is that he doesn't know how. He is impulsive and only after the fact - once he's calmed down - is he able to see how he could have reacted differently. I have asked if he'd be willing to get professional help and he is open to this idea. (Getting him to actually go is a different story).
We've also talked about changing jobs. It's something he's actually working on.
There is a lot of dysfunction in his past and present life which I know have influenced - and continue to influence - his personality. I happen to be even-tempered, calm and patient and he has told me that I am the most stable person he's ever had in his life (including ex-girlfriends) and that I have a calming effect on him.
I know I can't change a person who doesn't want to be changed. But I'm hoping that my nature will encourage him to voluntarily make changes (that he already knows he needs and wants to change).
I've also become much better at letting him know how his mood swings effect me - both in the moment that he takes his frustration out on me and in general.
He wants to change his behaviour. The problem is that he doesn't know how. He is impulsive and only after the fact - once he's calmed down - is he able to see how he could have reacted differently. I have asked if he'd be willing to get professional help and he is open to this idea. (Getting him to actually go is a different story).
We've also talked about changing jobs. It's something he's actually working on.
There is a lot of dysfunction in his past and present life which I know have influenced - and continue to influence - his personality. I happen to be even-tempered, calm and patient and he has told me that I am the most stable person he's ever had in his life (including ex-girlfriends) and that I have a calming effect on him.
I know I can't change a person who doesn't want to be changed. But I'm hoping that my nature will encourage him to voluntarily make changes (that he already knows he needs and wants to change).
@Paries. You have great intentions by wanting to stick by him and help him work on his issues, but be careful that you don't lose yourself in the process. We cancers tend to project our feelings onto others and you may end up sinking into depression as a result of his mood swings and lashing out.
You may bring calmness to HIS world, but he is also negatively affecting yours. You may end up struggling to maintain a balance and in turn begin to resent him for it.
You may bring calmness to HIS world, but he is also negatively affecting yours. You may end up struggling to maintain a balance and in turn begin to resent him for it.
Posted by CanceritaBonita
@Paries. You have great intentions by wanting to stick by him and help him work on his issues, but be careful that you don't lose yourself in the process. We cancers tend to project our feelings onto others and you may end up sinking into depression as a result of his mood swings and lashing out.
You may bring calmness to HIS world, but he is also negatively affecting yours. You may end up struggling to maintain a balance and in turn begin to resent him for it.
Yeah. That same thought occurred to me several times. The same day that I walked out of the room on him, I seriously considered breaking up with him. Once the storm settled I changed my mind - but it's always in the back of my mind. There really is so much good in him and so much good in how he treats me in general, that I really do want this to work. However, while I don't have a specific deadline, if I don't see improvement I might have to end it. One thing I know for certain, as things are now, I couldn't and wouldn't live with him under the same roof.
Posted by winterwroughtPosted by iwin32
Once you notice he's in a bad mood, just stay away and just don't try to make a conversation because he's going to attack you. Give him time to cool off, after he's back to normal, he will come back to you like if nothing happened, so just don't take it personal.
My moon is in Cancer... and I'm the same. When in a mood, I want to be left alone for introspection/peace. I do not want intervention, or to be asked what is wrong, or be told that my mood is 'off' or 'wrong'. Leave me be... for I will come around when I deem appropriate. And usually, if I snap at someone whilst in my mood, I feel bad about it when I come to.click to expand
I read this a lot. But with my crab it's the opposite. He does want me to ask him what's wrong. About 3 months into our relationship he kind of disappeared. I decided to give him his space. When we reconnected, he was hurt that it took me so long to ask him if he was okay.
Posted by iwin32
I do like when people ask what's wrong but I don't like to answer. I just want to know that you care. If that makes sense. bahaha
It does make sense. 🙂
wait a day or ten minutes and it will change. if they are constantly in a bad mood they may not be into you anymore. if a female, avoid during pms.
Im having my first cancer relationship. I am finding this shelling thing hquite difficult...being a gemini myself. I feel like I am walking on egg shells.
My crab recently advised me to just ignore anything he says or does when he's in a bad mood.
Posted by paries
When I'm in a bad mood I just get sad - and I don't take it out on other people. But when my crab is in a bad mood, he gets angry and acts nasty and/or cold. He doesn't yell, but his tone gets harsh and/or condescending. Either way - I end up feeling sad and hurt. (And then he feels badly for making me feel badly).
Some additional info: We usually see each other once mid-week and once during the weekend. The weekdays are a real crap-shoot in terms of his mood because I'm seeing him after a long and stressful work day (at a job he detests). Lately, I had been thinking that I'd almost rather not see him during the week. And next thing you know, he actually cancelled our most recent mid-week date a couple of days beforehand (after an amazing weekend together). We did speak on the day of the cancelled date, and while he said he was fine, I could hear in his voice that he wasn't. I suspect he anticipated a stressful week and knew he'd end up taking it out on me if he saw me that night.
Does anyone have any advice? I'm particularly interested in hearing from crabs or anyone who has an ongoing relationship with a crab and has learned how to make it work in spite of the moodiness. Thanks 🙂
Read some of your posts...what is your sign?
Posted by CancerGeminiPosted by paries
When I'm in a bad mood I just get sad - and I don't take it out on other people. But when my crab is in a bad mood, he gets angry and acts nasty and/or cold. He doesn't yell, but his tone gets harsh and/or condescending. Either way - I end up feeling sad and hurt. (And then he feels badly for making me feel badly).
Some additional info: We usually see each other once mid-week and once during the weekend. The weekdays are a real crap-shoot in terms of his mood because I'm seeing him after a long and stressful work day (at a job he detests). Lately, I had been thinking that I'd almost rather not see him during the week. And next thing you know, he actually cancelled our most recent mid-week date a couple of days beforehand (after an amazing weekend together). We did speak on the day of the cancelled date, and while he said he was fine, I could hear in his voice that he wasn't. I suspect he anticipated a stressful week and knew he'd end up taking it out on me if he saw me that night.
Does anyone have any advice? I'm particularly interested in hearing from crabs or anyone who has an ongoing relationship with a crab and has learned how to make it work in spite of the moodiness. Thanks 🙂
Read some of your posts...what is your sign?click to expand
My Sun sign is Aries - but I don't feel like one at all.
Ignor her. That is it. That is all. Ignor her. She will even be pissed you ignored her BUT still ignore her. her mood will change and she will come back to sanity.
They are passing moods, think of it as "a child needing a nap" kind of thing. It may sound a bit dismissive, but seriously, a recharge is what it takes. When our battery is full, we have a wealth of patience love and affection. Should it be a day where we are off and the universe has us in a particular place that is not so pleasant, just roll with it, deep down he loves you, but sometimes our mood saturates our attitude.
I never feel good about being in a sour mood, but I am certain it is something that I cannot deny.
Emotions...-sigh-
I never feel good about being in a sour mood, but I am certain it is something that I cannot deny.
Emotions...-sigh-
Posted by winterwroughtPosted by paries
My crab recently advised me to just ignore anything he says or does when he's in a bad mood.
Sound advice.click to expand
Yeah. In the long run, I suppose it is. But I did tell him that it's a hard thing to do when whatever he's saying or doing at the time is hurting my feelings.
Relax, be chill and let them have their shell time.
Don't ever FORCE a Cancer to talk or be active when they are not in a good mood.
It will only make things worse!
Don't ever FORCE a Cancer to talk or be active when they are not in a good mood.
It will only make things worse!
With me its depend on what my mood come from. If I am just tired and over work myself then I need my space. Sometimes when I'm overwhelm I need space. Anything that have to do with family or family issues that over whelm me ,I need to be left a lone.
Certain things I need more . I may just need a ear, or just support. I have to remind myself to be alone sometimes , I need alone time to get my self back togather. A lot of people or text book. Say that cancers are clingy but these are the first people who would go into there shell quick to be alone.
I do this behavior a lot, I can be piss off because job issues and when I get home I don't want no bother frm my scorp. I would get in the shower and go in the room and shut the door while he sit out in the living. Room watch tv.
If its something that have to do with him sometimes I need him to come to me and express his love and affection and we need to get shit off our chest
Certain things I need more . I may just need a ear, or just support. I have to remind myself to be alone sometimes , I need alone time to get my self back togather. A lot of people or text book. Say that cancers are clingy but these are the first people who would go into there shell quick to be alone.
I do this behavior a lot, I can be piss off because job issues and when I get home I don't want no bother frm my scorp. I would get in the shower and go in the room and shut the door while he sit out in the living. Room watch tv.
If its something that have to do with him sometimes I need him to come to me and express his love and affection and we need to get shit off our chest
Posted by Maddy
Hahahah, that is so funny. I have one too.
How to make a woman happy?
It's not difficult to make a woman happy...
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, HE MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but don't take too much for himself.
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.
AND IT IS VERY IMPORTANT :
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* any arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY?
1. Show up naked
2. Cook some food
LUV IT!!! 🙂
Totally just FBed this 😛
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Does anyone have any advice? I'm particularly interested in hearing from crabs or anyone who has an ongoing relationship with a crab and has learned how to make it work in spite of the moodiness. Thanks 🙂