Cancer keen

Okay so there's a cancerian guy that I'm really into, and it's throwing me for a major loop. He has told me on occasions that he just wants to be friends, when I treat it like that, the next thing I know, it's a little more than friends. It's been on an off for a long while. What's the deal? Everytime I find someone, and move on, he gives me the look, the last time it was a look like I really hurt him. So I broke it off, since I wasn't as into the other guy as him, and now we're back to the nothing phase.
Is this typical? Should I expect anything to come of this? He's had a lot of past hurt, and I've always been there for him to vent to, or look to for someone to be there to get him out of a bind. I really like him, but I feel like kicking myself everytime something happens between us cause I know it's just for the moment. Will he come around? Or am I just fooling myself?

Hi Storm...I posted this back in Oct. maybe it will help you in understanding your "friend". What I have learned in my many relationships with myself and the other person is...when someone says they "just want to be friends" believe them. If a man is really serious about a woman he will NOT say this to her. I cannot say if he will come around or if you are fooling yourself...I do however think that you do know the truth deep in your heart. My best wishes for you for you Storm 🙂




In their new book, He's Just Not That Into You, Greg and Liz have written a set of new dating standards for women. They want women to raise the bar for themselves.

Standard-Raising Suggestions
I will not go out with a man who:
(a) Keeps me waiting by the phone
(b) Is not sure he wants to date me
(c) Makes me feel sexually undesirable
(d) Drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable
(e) Fears talking about our future
(f) Is married

I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me or who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.

Liberating Vocabulary
Friend: A person who is your pal. What it generally means in relationships is he's just not that into you.

Busy: Busy means I'm the President of the United States. I'm an astronaut and I'm on another planet. I'm in a really successful band. What it means in relationships is, yeah, I'm just not that into you.

Bad boy: A bad boy is just a bad boy. Stay away. If you're dating somebody that's a bad boy, that's just your fault. If you say "my boyfriend's kind of a bad boy," I feel bad for you. If you say, "I like bad boys" well, then I don't feel bad for you. If you say, "I like things that don't work." Okay, good for you. Generally, guys with low self-esteem aren't worth the trouble. They're just not.

The Dog Pound
Question: So how do you screen for dogs? Answer: You just don't let him be a dog. Your standards are so high you don't let him be a dog. You can't be played if you're not playing. What I want to say that is so key for everybody to get. Nobody?even if a dog has been a dog. He has been head of the pound. Head of the dog pound. If he meets the right person, he will change his dog pound ways. He just will.

Question: How can I tell if he thinks I'm worth it? Answer: If the guy thinks you're worth it, he will do whatever is necessary if he thinks you're worth it. All the guys are nodding. Because he raised the bar and he wants to raise the bar to meet you where you are, if he thinks you're worth it. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. He's just not that into you. And you?we all?should have another standard.







Message posted by: Freebird on 10/18/2004 6:54:15 PM
More from the book - He's Just Not Into You


From The Publisher:
He says:
Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

She says:
There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot, or beg anyone to ask us out. We're fantastic.

For ages, women have come together over coffee, chickentails or late-night phone chats to analyze the puzzling behavior

I don't think it's that he's not that into you. I don't fully agree with that book because there are so many different reasons and scenarios as to why a guy will act the way that they do. Not to say that you should excuse his behavior, but I would definetely figure out what he wants. Question his motives a little. If he doesn't give you a solid answer then you need to tell him to kick rocks or you can try and be his friend. It seems to me that he's being a little childish. I think that he's playing mind games with you. You need to lay all the cards out straight. I also don't know enough about you two to judge on anything. Does he date other people?

Thank you freebird for your comment..

For a little more background gemgem:

He and I both have dated others. I've been told by him to wait, be patient, he goes about things slowly. And of course with reading Cancer posts, it's obvious they take their time to make sure someone is for real before they get their hearts involved. And I'm fine with that. Before he and I had anything happening, he had thrown himself into a relationship that failed miserably. It moved very fast in comparison, and well, since it didn't work out well, I've wondered if that's the reasoning behind his mixed messages towards me.
He'll do things like call me when he's having a pretty down moment. Or he'll find a reason for me to be by him, starting out with some sort of excuse, and I'm guilty of the same thing. Everytime I think that it's really done, he gives me this patented look of his, that melts me every time. I've never been so weak over someone in all my life. It's thrilling and annoying all at the same time. The thrill of the chase I guess. But I don't know that it's just that, he'll tell me that I'm beautiful, or he'll cater to me when he somehow knows I'm not having an easy time.

Give me what you can on opinions, I'm at a loss...

My opinion....personally is to back off of him....Men get so comfortable once we have opened up and then its on their terms...so they think....flip the scripts on him....sometimes you have take away to make them realize what they had...and you can do this without being nasty. Just get a life. And if he still doesn't come around...he doesn't give a damn. And if he does...its not enough....

I agree with softy. Sometimes men will take advantage of the fact that we're there all of the time. It's not neccessarily that they don't truely care, but they just subconciously know that you'll be there no matter what so they try to play this little game. Don't let him play it. You need to tell him what you want out of guy in a round about way when you two are having a conversation about anything within that realm. I try to work things like that into conversations so that they know what I like and where I'm coming from. If he doesn't act on it then he wasn't listening and doesn't care what you want. Then he may later want control over you completely. Cancer men sometimes fight for emotional control over women. I've noticed it with both of the cancer men that I've dated. They are extremely sweet however, but beware of manipulation. Just fruit for thought. They will manipulate you into getting what they want to satisfy their emtions.

What everyone wants from a relationship is trust and security?. If you play game?expect the same from your partner.

Thanks everybody for your help... I'm going to take your advice and back off. Personally I can't really stand the thought of being under thumb so to speak.. Thank you so much for your help in letting me see this in a different light...

Storm 🙂

I'm a Cancer woman...And I can admit that I can be very emotionally manipulative in realtionships....Oh how I play on the emotions,,,and I am not beyond playing the victim,,,,

relationships

OMG! I can't believe this! What's happening to you is exactly what happened to me.....the Cancer guy I'm so into is doing the same exact thing and I just don't get it.....I don't.......so I decided to back off and even though it's hard I've been doing pretty good.....it's been almost a couple of weeks and I like it this way.......I just think it's funny when I get those "unknown calls" since I decided to back off from this guy.

Well softy, I've been guilty of the same thing, though never with this guy. I've given him a couple of, as I like to call them, stern talking to's... Chances are, I probably won't hear from him for a few months, and then out of the blue he'll call me or e-mail me or something. That's when my real test will come.
jl fiona, I think I read your post on this too now that I think of it. We're seemingly in the same spot. Good luck to you, and keep up the good work dear... This seems to me to be a pattern with cancer guys that I've come across. I had one that did something similar to this in highschool. He eventually came around, and I ended up breaking his heart cause after about six years of waiting, you might end up doing that... Anyways, we'll see where this gets me... Thanks everybody....