Confusing Cancer Male aka WTF?

A bit of backstory; the Cancer guy and I started talking earlier this year, as friends. He expressed interest in me from the beginning but respected that I was in a relationship and stayed within bounds. We discussed religion, politics, etc- played Scrabble online, texted often, sometimes lost contact but always came back together.

Fast forward to the end of my relationship and he was RIGHT THERE on the scene. Helping me work through it. I told him flat out that I didn't think it was fair to him to do anything sexually with him as I had too much baggage and didn't want to drag him down into it (My Moon is Cancer, so I can hold onto things for awhile). He explained that "everyone has baggage, it's just a matter of making sure our baggage matches."

He was hot and heavy in pursuit. We spoke every day via text or IM and he finally convinced me to come to see him. So we spent a weekend together, and it was passionate and hot with lots of cuddling and laughter. I thought we had formed a connection and then...it stopped. It seemed almost as soon as I got home he was acting as if I didn't exist. No text messages, no IM's, no phone calls, nothing.

What started out as him in heavy pursuit turned into me basically pulling teeth to try to get him to talk to me. Now I'm a Virgo with a Sag rising- I have no shortage of men trying to date me, but I've told them all "No" and let Mr.Cancer know that I was saving myself for him- to which he gave vague replies.

Finally, at the end of my rope, and ready to move on, I sent him a message stating that I was done playing his games, I felt ignored, and he would be receiving no more contact from me. Period. I wished him the best in finding what he was looking for in the future. I erased his phone number, deleted his name from my friends list and blocked him, and set about accepting dates with other guys.

Well THAT got his attention. He called me, I didn't answer, and he commenced to curse me out on my voicemail. Telling me that he was very busy, hadn't even been able to talk to his family, and was wrapped up in trying to out process out of the military. He admitted I was not his first priority at the moment and that he would call/text me when things calmed down.

I exchanged words with him, basically asking him if he thought I was frickin psychic and that without communication I have no idea what's going on. That day we talked on IM and then today as well- he initiated contact with me.

He hung out with friends last night and wouldn't tell me what he was doing tonight, more dodging and evasion. So basically, I'm at the point where I'm about to cut him off without telling him. Why go through all of the message leaving, profanity, and communication if you were just going to go back to doing what you were doing before?

He had me re-add him to my friends list for what?

He messaged me for what?

Why the vague responses about everything? Why can't he tell me where anything is going?

He can say that he enjoys my company, that he enjoys our conversation, but what the hell am going in all these circles for?

Is this even normal? Is he just playing games? Because I drop people for far less. Why am I even letting him get away with this? Why am I even still thinking about it?

I'm scheduling a date with another man for Tuesday...he has me severely misconstrued...or does he?

Confused as heck.

And just to clarify- We did start out as friends talking just about every day or when he had time off.

So I guess it strikes me as odd that this would change now all of a sudden.

I did admit that I like him and even that I missed him a little and couldn't wait to see him again. I expressed when I told him off a bit, that I'd just appreciate honesty. He's excruciatingly blunt for the most part so I thought this shouldn't be a problem.

If he felt so uncomfortable- why not just allow the disconnect to continue? It would save him the job of having to "hurt my feelings" and save me the anxiety of getting wrapped up in him again.

Yeah but if you truly step back and look at it, you were UNAVAILABLE throughout this friendship so he felt free to pursue and chase you and get the benefits of a stress free relationship b/c you felt obligated to another man so he didn't have to worry about you expecting anything from him...once the chase is over well you see were it's led you.

Some men love to chase and once the chase is over, he's out, he's dismissive, ignoring, too busy whereas before he had nothing but time to give.

If it were me, I would ask myself what I want from this man, look at the relationship logically, as in can he give him me what I want, does he seem willing to give us a try or is he being vague, elusive, hiding and running and then I would decide to stay or go. Just reading how he's been behaving, I and let me be clear I would do this which means other women would most likely feel the way I handle things is extreme but I would move on. But the softer side of this is you can still date him but to give a man exclusivity that hasn't asked for it is a no no, go date other men and let him chase you or cut him off and move on...you do have options

Posted by tiki33
Yeah but if you truly step back and look at it, you were UNAVAILABLE throughout this friendship so he felt free to pursue and chase you and get the benefits of a stress free relationship b/c you felt obligated to another man so he didn't have to worry about you expecting anything from him...once the chase is over well you see were it's led you.

Some men love to chase and once the chase is over, he's out, he's dismissive, ignoring, too busy whereas before he had nothing but time to give.

If it were me, I would ask myself what I want from this man, look at the relationship logically, as in can he give him me what I want, does he seem willing to give us a try or is he being vague, elusive, hiding and running and then I would decide to stay or go. Just reading how he's been behaving, I and let me be clear I would do this which means other women would most likely feel the way I handle things is extreme but I would move on. But the softer side of this is you can still date him but to give a man exclusivity that hasn't asked for it is a no no, go date other men and let him chase you or cut him off and move on...you do have options

Girl you ain't neva lied and I really think that's what he enjoyed, the chase of a woman in a relationship and then the subsequent chase of a woman who said she didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. Now that I've told him we could precede if he wants to, he's pussy footing around. I didn't say we had to get married, I just enjoyed talking to him and it shocked me a bit when he, all of a sudden, just disappeared. This from a man who frequently texted me during the day to see how class was going, called me, IMed me, read my writing, etc.

His ex cheated on him, which was the only reason I told him I was only talking to him exclusively. I wanted to prove to him that I could be trustworthy, despite distance, and plenty of opportunity to get my "needs" met elsewhere. I wanted to assure him that I wouldn't be like his ex just as he was going on and on about how he wouldn't be like mine.

"The best b*tches ALWAYS have a plan B" has been my motto for as long as I can remember and here it applies. So yes, I am quite done. Though we can still be friends, I expect nothing from him. I've ceased contact and am just enjoying the coming Fall. C'est la vie. C'est la guerre.

Part 2 of TIKI33 message from 2007

"in other words act as if you could care less about his moods and this will push him to find out why your not being expressive towards his moods, if he says I don't wanna talk to you, you say okay and end the conversation, if he says I don't like you, you say oh okay, talk to me when you do start to like me again or you say I don't like you either....this is just examples but, these are examples of indifference, you could care less if he's happy, moody, sad, mean, you have to let him BE..period

If you can show him this side of you, he will be more apt to not pull you into his mood swings, you have to allow his moods to be his, don't take ownership of his moods, let him be whatever it is he's choosing to be that day."

Okay so a little update, having fun on the dating scene and soon things became "The Tale of Two Cancers." Hilarious.

Granted, taking the advice of everyone here, I cut the Cancer off and moved on, going on dates, hanging out with friends and family and no longer attempting to contact him or get him to see me in any form or fashion. Granted we still spoke as friends for a little while, but I told him it wasn't working for me to still talk to him, and so, I needed to cut him out of my life completely.

I had to be honest with my emotions and I just could not maintain any kind of connection with him, in my mind, considering our circumstances.

Flash forward one month and I hadn't spoken to him at all. Hallow's Eve rolls and around and I send out a mass IM to everyone on my friend's list wishing them a happy one and he responds immediately saying how he didn't have a fun one because he had to work. We had a bit of polite convo for a few minutes, then I signed off as I had things to do.

Long story short, we're talking as friends now, but he's begun making the conversations very flirtatious and sometimes sexual. He's also mentioned wanting to some see me, though I haven't given him any kind of answer as to when he could come, or if he could even come at all. I just dodge the question and crack a random joke. Yes, I still like him, not as much as before of course, but I still like him and I just don't want to get caught up in him again especially since he'll start playing the "push pull" game the moment we're intimate.

Granted, I almost feel like I know how to handle him...and that's by being a complete, conceited, bitch. In fact he told me that's one of the things he likes about me, how much of a "cold-hearted bitch" I am. 😕

Really? I'm actually quite nice, I just don't deal with B.S. So now he's acting as if NOTHING happened, reminding me of how I'm supposed to come see him in December(Something I wrote off when we stopped speaking), how much he likes me, how he thinks I'm a great person, etc. And I'm sitting here thinking "bitch please." *side eye*

I feel as if I'm talking to two different people sometimes when it comes to him and while I have other men I am seeing (he's always asking me about my sex/love life, if I've had sex with anyone else, which I haven't)I like him, but I don't trust him as far as I can throw him and I pretty much told him that.

Blech. Time for a Mimosa. I'm moving to California next year so he's essentially

He's essentially a non entity, but I do wish things could have been different. Ah well...maybe next lifetime. Just wanted to share with people who might understand.

On a side note; maybe there is some wisdom to Krobe and Tiki's words. LOL!

i'm glad ur moving on. i agree that the advice u received is sound. the only problem i have with it is that it eludes to too much game playing and a masking of one's true self.

u even said that ur not a "cold-hearted bitch" but that's the only way u can handle him. even though that's stringing him along just fine, it's not who u really are. u say that ur actually very nice and i think u should be consistent with that. the problem is HIS problem. if he can't handle ur real, nice self then that is why he should disappear from ur life. so, yes, acting indifferent to his moods will definitely work most of the time... but is still "acting". if ur not really the type who acts indifferently, but is more sensitive to others moods, then u should seek those who can appreciate it. u can learn the art of detachment (in other words the ability to always remain objective) while still keeping it real.

Posted by ninjamu
i'm glad ur moving on. i agree that the advice u received is sound. the only problem i have with it is that it eludes to too much game playing and a masking of one's true self.

u even said that ur not a "cold-hearted bitch" but that's the only way u can handle him. even though that's stringing him along just fine, it's not who u really are. u say that ur actually very nice and i think u should be consistent with that. the problem is HIS problem. if he can't handle ur real, nice self then that is why he should disappear from ur life. so, yes, acting indifferent to his moods will definitely work most of the time... but is still "acting". if ur not really the type who acts indifferently, but is more sensitive to others moods, then u should seek those who can appreciate it. u can learn the art of detachment (in other words the ability to always remain objective) while still keeping it real.

Hmm, I guess I should have said that better. Yes, I can detach from other people's moods quite easily, especially once I see them for who they are. But that doesn't mean when I care about someone that I don't just need a few words to "fill me in." Virgos favorite question "What's up?" not "What's wrong?" so good or bad, I can know how to proceed accordingly. I'm as nice to him as I am to anyone else and honestly my version of "nice" doesn't come across like "nice" in the typical sense. I believe in actions, not words, so I'm not going to be all lovey dovey and smiley with you- but I will drive in the middle of the night to pick you up if you're stranded, hold your hand during an abortion, or pick up a shift for you at work if you need it.

But I will tell a motherfucker off in a heart beat. That's "part" of me too. LOL! My chart literally has me as a personality clusterfuck and it shows. I can go from innocent, to malicious, to jovial, to pensive in 15 seconds flat...and then completely forget all of it and want funnel cake in the next moment.

But yeah, I'm keeping my distance. To be honest part of me wants to make him suffer the way he made me suffer and break him into a thousand pieces, but the other part thinks he's fucking hilarious and even if we're just friends I'm cool with that. He just needs to respect that boundary.

See? Conflicted. But I'm woman enough to admit that.

yeay! i hope u don't go seeking revenge on him for what he did to u. yeah, it sucks. been there. just take solace in knowing that he is the catalyst for his own undoing and let the universe handle the rest.

i know what u mean about the placements in ur chart creating a conflicted personality. i have my leo ego (sun) with virgoan emotions (moon). i come off as a total weirdo, and i admit i am, due to my aqua rising. the sex/love department is also heavily conflicted. my venus is in leo while my mars is scorpio! so i'm highly sexed but i love to love. trying to appease both sides is almost so impossible to find that i have had to alter my life style . things are finally working out. it's incredibly difficult trying to find a man that is loving, affectionate, kind, and passionate while also being a total kinky sex machine! it's usually one or the other.

Leave his arse where you left him! I would not even make him suffer, I would just leave him the hell alone and move on. That will make him suffer enough. Are you being honest to yourself? You have said that you cannot be just friends with this man and then when you hear from him you are just friends.

It is up to you. If you really like this man, why do you have room in your life for male friends? esp a man who you want as a love interest? Talking to him, being available, texting him is just going to keep you in just friends category. Of couse, he is adding sex in the conversation so he can see what "benefits" are in it for him. He wants you to come visit him? And you are his friend? Nope, you don't have room in your life for no male friends that you want a long term relationship with and the only way you are going to get him to step up to you and not get "lazy" is putting some competition to up to his tale and allowing him to man up. That is the only way he will be your man. You want a relationship, no friends.

You are dead on, once you give in, he is going to pull away again. It will be a never ending saga.

Posted by krobe03
Leave his arse where you left him! I would not even make him suffer, I would just leave him the hell alone and move on. That will make him suffer enough. Are you being honest to yourself? You have said that you cannot be just friends with this man and then when you hear from him you are just friends.

It is up to you. If you really like this man, why do you have room in your life for male friends? esp a man who you want as a love interest? Talking to him, being available, texting him is just going to keep you in just friends category. Of couse, he is adding sex in the conversation so he can see what "benefits" are in it for him. He wants you to come visit him? And you are his friend? Nope, you don't have room in your life for no male friends that you want a long term relationship with and the only way you are going to get him to step up to you and not get "lazy" is putting some competition to up to his tale and allowing him to man up. That is the only way he will be your man. You want a relationship, no friends.

You are dead on, once you give in, he is going to pull away again. It will be a never ending saga.

You are 100% correct, as usual and I haven't told him he could come see me at all. I told him we can still be "e-buddies" but I'm not interested in being intimate with him. You know he had the gall to ask "why?" Seriously?! I think my jaw just about dropped. So I have no intention on ever seeing him again, he can play those games with someone else. I am cool being his e-friend though, because it's just chatting and laughing it up (we were friends before things got stupid) and since there are men I actually DO see (he lives about 200 miles away), he isn't on my mind like that- I guess it was just kind of wild that he pulled the same shit I've seen on this site SO MANY times. It's almost as if he read the Cancer section of DXP and decided to give it a shot. 😕

I'm moving out of state in a year anyway so he don't have to worry about courting me and as far as I'm concerned I can do WAY better. As much as I wish things would have been different, I know they aren't and CAN'T be. C'est la vie, c'est la guerre.

Besides...there's this sexy ass Libra...

cancer cancer cancer guys ...well my guy is a cancer n nid ur advice ..am a scorpion gurl so here we go virgo n leo ...dat r d signs dat r passionated by astro signs dats all we find on d discussion board. well well well i met my cancer guy long time back that is 1 yr back he was as he said in love wid me head over heals ''i was in a relationship'' wid sum1 else of coarse n he was hurting bt couldnt do much coz oi make myself n my relatioship respected ''no oe comes close ;; well long story cut short i borke up wid my x well he left me n i fell in d cancer's arms n i said lets get married widout being in love coz i knew my perfect match wud b a cancer ...den well he was gr8 nice loving swt adorable ..was not in love bt i was happy happy wid him ...wid myself he reintroduced me 2 myself made me love myself ...we both loved ''me'' den we got engaged coz it was der we had 2 do it n i had 2 get married am already 27 here i nid kids etc n he was my match ..n like we say get married 2 sum1 who loves u ..so marriage is planned in d yr 2011 ..here in my country its quiet traditional so der u go d family decides part of it dat is d dates etc ...now i fell in love after my engagement ...how bad is dat ?? scorpio in love means runaway normally ..i thot my cancer wudnt ...coz we r a perfect match bt he is kinda running away coz am giving 2 much more dan him n he choking kind of i tink ...help me plz ? advices dats all i nid ...how 2 handle