help me to deal with a cancerian man please

Hi All
I am new to this forum. I am desperate for help and would appreciate your replies please. I am a female aquarian and in love with a cancerian man ... what a challange..

We are both middleage. we have known each other for the last 7 years, we work together, but we are taking it slowly especially his wife was terminally ill for sometime and she passed away 3 months ago. Even though I didn't know the traits of cancerians,I seem to have done every thing correct in their book. Recently, as you would expect things started to be a bit closer. However, on valantine's day, i left a cartoon that I drew myself( I always sent him messages this way and he loved it and kept them all)on his desk and didn't go to see him (his office near mine) during the day so that we can have better quality of time after we have finished our work. He was initially a bit nice but he deteriorated badly as I was trying to make jokes and flirt with him to a degree that he lost his temper (extremely unusual for him) and said: don't be an as s...

I left quitely but very upset. He tried to be nice the following day but I was very upset so didn't respond.

Then on the third day, he was giving me very cold looks and cutting me short. From previous experience with him, I have only noticed this attitude if I had talked to a particular person that he feels jealous of and because of that I stopped talking to this colleague only when it is absolutely necessary. It happened that this person came to talk to me the day before but I was with a big group of people. i am not absolutely sure if he knows that but there is a chance that someone told him.
After that, believe it or not, he changed his parking area to a different park!! as we used to park near each other so that we walk together.
But I tried to go back talking to him at least about work in a friendly way and he said that we need to discuss something on Friday morning (he is mr know it all and the person to go to). I went to see him and was talking to someone and then on the phone for a very long time and after that he denied all knowledge of our meeting.

I am not sure if this is madness, jealousy, love, hate or what...how to deal with him? Once I say that will not see him at all for 3-4 weeks and see and another time I say if that is his "normal" then I accept nothing has happened..

Please please help..

Hi All
I am new to this forum. I am desperate for help and would appreciate your replies please. I am a female aquarian and in love with a cancerian man ... what a challange..

We are both middleage. we have known each other for the last 7 years, we work together, but we are taking it slowly especially his wife was terminally ill for sometime and she passed away 3 months ago. Even though I didn't know the traits of cancerians,I seem to have done every thing correct in their book. Recently, as you would expect things started to be a bit closer. However, on valantine's day, i left a cartoon that I drew myself( I always sent him messages this way and he loved it and kept them all)on his desk and didn't go to see him (his office near mine) during the day so that we can have better quality of time after we have finished our work. He was initially a bit nice but he deteriorated badly as I was trying to make jokes and flirt with him to a degree that he lost his temper (extremely unusual for him) and said: don't be an as s...

I left quitely but very upset. He tried to be nice the following day but I was very upset so didn't respond.

Then on the third day, he was giving me very cold looks and cutting me short. From previous experience with him, I have only noticed this attitude if I had talked to a particular person that he feels jealous of and because of that I stopped talking to this colleague only when it is absolutely necessary. It happened that this person came to talk to me the day before but I was with a big group of people. i am not absolutely sure if he knows that but there is a chance that someone told him.
After that, believe it or not, he changed his parking area to a different park!! as we used to park near each other so that we walk together.
But I tried to go back talking to him at least about work in a friendly way and he said that we need to discuss something on Friday morning (he is mr know it all and the person to go to). I went to see him and was talking to someone and then on the phone for a very long time and after that he denied all knowledge of our meeting.

I am not sure if this is madness, jealousy, love, hate or what...how to deal with him? Once I say that will not see him at all for 3-4 weeks and see and another time I say if that is his "normal" then I accept nothing has happened..

Please please help..

Your post is confusing. Are you saying he is ignoring you?

Well didn't expect that would be an issue considering he has been in love with me for sometime before her death. He went to all christmas does within 3 weeks of her death. He must have been hurt by her death but don't think to the expected level of such tragedies.

He seems to be ignoring me in a very emotional way i.e. in an angry way rather than passively ignoring me. I don't think asking him for the reason is an option as he doesn't talk about personal issues but shows actions.

Please help. What do men readers think of this?

You're leaving something out..

You did something to majorly piss him off, but it's probably not what you are thinking it is.

I'd dig deep and retrace your steps, cause it doesn't sound like he's going to tell you.
One of those, "if you don't know what you did... then I'm not even going to bother" types of situations.

He moved his parking spot? Oh man... he's mad, boy!

Just my 2 cents. I would like to know if you knew his wife or if you ever met her? Either way he may see you as desperate because it seems like you were flirting with a married man with a dying wife and thus are not so upset that his wife died. Cancers are emotional and this will been seen as a lack of emotional depth in his mind. Wjhat ever it is, It sounds like he really does not like something about you and that he is irritated by you. Aqua's ALWAYS end up irritating me. They never do anything to purposely to irritate me. It is for this reason I never get mad but I want to avoid them. I avoid them because they are nice people and I do want want to verbablly castrate them...and it is on the tip on my tongue.

My ex is an Aqua. it was a short run. I just didn't feel him too much. He loves me to death but he irritates me so much that I blocked his email and fb. His face makes me want to throw up. He asked me something that rubbed me the wrong way. I told him what it was and he really did not mean to irritate me but I will never see him the same again. I just don't like him at all.

And my dislike of my aqua for sure is in an emotional way but the reason is more mental. Just writing about him makes me physically ill. Ugh!

Posted by cancerlovestaurus

My ex is an Aqua. He loves me to death but he irritates me so much . His face makes me want to throw up. He asked me something that rubbed me the wrong way. I told him what it was and he really did not mean to irritate me but I will never see him the same again.

lmao!! My ex is an Aqua too and I feel the same way about him!. It was really bad when we first broke up, I told him.. "I can't stand the sight of your face!"

It's gotten better cause we have kids together, but I keep our interaction to a minimum or only when I'm in a good mood. One stupid comment from his mouth can just send me OFF!!!!!

He recently tried to tell me how he didn't realize how good he had it, until he lost it.. but I felt nothing. Not a shred of sympathy

I think it's that whole mirror thing... eventually an Aqua will turn a Cancer as cold as they are.

Lol,and you would never know how to deal with them :/ xD

I do remember what I did when he swore. I usually make a joke with him about his wireless computer mouse and misplace it. While he was getting increasingly uncomfortable, he turned to his computer typing away. As a joken and was laughing, I took the mouse as if I am hinding it behind my back. He never used to get upset from this before.

Which is a better line to take with him: to be over sweet and flattering, be normal, leave alone with minimal if any communication for 2-3 weeks?

Please help..

Give him a while to let the irritation die down. I'd say a 6-8 days. Then just try to be friendly. Do not try too hard at all. That will be irritating if you do. He is really erked.

I think it's that whole mirror thing... eventually an Aqua will turn a Cancer as cold as they are.

What's up with the mirror thing? Cancers only?

I'm not a Cancer but 3 months is extremely soon after one's spouse dies for any sign to be ready to move on. Three months is nothing! Even though she was sick for a long time and her death was not a surprise, he needs time to grieve her loss and adjust to life as a widower.?? And even though he may have seemed fine, going to Christmas parties after she died, people grieve in different ways and it may have been important for him to get out there and put on a brave face.

I can only imagine that on Valentine's Day he was thinking about his WIFE! Probably dealing with a lot of mixed feelings including guilt, anger, sorrow and grief.. He was probably getting messages of sympathy from other people in his life, on what is usually a tough day so soon after losing a spouse ... and there you were flirting with him ...!?!?

The behaviors he is showing are not unusual for someone who is dealing with feelings of loss and grief.

No matter how close you might have gotten to him during his wife's illness or even if you started an affair then ... ??since she died, your relationship has taken a huge step backward (not forward as you would imagine). He needs time to mourn her properly. If he had children with her, they would only resent you for stepping into the picture so soon after their mother died.

I think it would be appropriate for you to apologize for your massive lack of sensitivity about his wife's recent death, and tell him you are going to give him space, and stick to that. If and when he is ready to move on with you, he can let you know, but you need to wait until HE comes to YOU.??

I take you point and will approach him gently though I am still bemused. Would very much appreciate it if you could read this below and tell me what it means please.

On Teusday 14/2 he was funny after getting my cartoon. On Wednesday moring saw in the car park and pretended rushing and didn't wait for my but in the afternoon he was trying to keep the conversation going with and be charming but I kept professional serious face. On Thursday didn't see him. On Friday he started ignoring me in this quietly aggressive way giving me fierce looks...from the following week starting 20/2 he changed his parking spot...During this week, we were both at various meetings. The week after starting 27/2 (last Teusday 28) he started to be nice again and give same loving looks and actuall the following day he was very supportive of me when I had a problem at work...Until we had the recent encounter last Friday.

please please explain.it is really driving me mad..

Posted by AutumnalChick


massive lack of sensitivity ??

The Aqua credo...

Posted by suedandoo
I take you point and will approach him gently though I am still bemused. Would very much appreciate it if you could read this below and tell me what it means please.

click to expand

Aqua speak for = "I'm just saying what you want to hear but will continue to think I'm right, carry on as before and make the situation worse"... lol!

I don't think the comment is correct as I have already sent him a serious email explaining how bad I feel for what seems to be insensitive although i didn't mean it. I know he read it but haven't heard anything. He doesn't reply to emails usually.

would truly appreciate it if someone could look at the sequence of events and explain them..don't think that they are coherent..

Posted by suedandoo
I don't think the comment is correct as I have already sent him a serious email explaining how bad I feel for what seems to be insensitive although i didn't mean it. I know he read it but haven't heard anything. He doesn't reply to emails usually.

would truly appreciate it if someone could look at the sequence of events and explain them..don't think that they are coherent..

^^^^

I think this woman is coo coo for coco puffs 😛

Posted by suedandoo
I don't think the comment is correct as I have already sent him a serious email explaining how bad I feel for what seems to be insensitive although i didn't mean it. .

You don't think it's correct, huh?

Didn't everyone tell you to back off and give him a chance to cool down and come to you?

Yet... you send him a serious email talking about YOUR feelings. No, no... that's not insensitive at all and good listening!

Posted by suedandoo

would truly appreciate it if someone could look at the sequence of events and explain them..don't think that they are coherent..

And then... you bring up this sequence of events again, because you fixedly believe the answer lies in it.. when it does not.

But hey.. you may loose the man, but at least you can walk away thinking you're right

You probably are right..will be keeping my head down for the coming days and see what happens. what if I happened to see him by chance, how would I react??

"I don't think the comment is correct as I have already sent him a serious email explaining how bad I feel for what seems to be insensitive although i didn't mean it. I know he read it but haven't heard anything. He doesn't reply to emails usually."

Wow! You send him an email for how "bad" you feel ... then stated that you didn't "mean" it? As a Cancerian, I wouldn't reply or repond to you either .... even if you were a man.
Sorry, but truth is truth. I like to know where people stand, that they are upfront and direct ... and no emotions have to come into play with manipulation or other issues. A friend, is a friend, is a friend .... ALWAYS. No excuses accepted. Cancerians are "spot on" with words of insincerity.

Posted by suedandoo
You probably are right..will be keeping my head down for the coming days and see what happens. what if I happened to see him by chance, how would I react??

You smile nicely and you keep walking.
If you told him you're going to give him his space, give him his space! He will determine how much space he needs as he goes through his morning period after losing his wife. You saying "okay, I'll give him a few days" is not giving him space, it is giving him a temporary break from your demands for his attention.

Like it or not (and regardless of his feelings for you while she was ill), SHE was his WIFE. They shared a life together and he had an entire, complex past with her that did not involve you. They shared family, they shared history, they shared a home and possessions and finances and ...are you getting the point?

You are no doubt relieved and glad she is out of the picture, and you seem to think he should feel the same way. But he has a lot of very strong and complicated feelings about her, and their marriage, that you don't seem to appreciate. This is not like when an old dog dies and you go out a week later and get a new puppy.

Give him his space, and if he doesn't pursue anything with you, you will know you were just a distraction from the sad reality of his life at the time, which was dealing with his dying wife. If he does pursue you, then for God's sake ask HIM why he was behaving like that, before you continue your relationship.

Hi, It was awful and very difficult to stay away. I was and still am in tears but I did it. I kept my head down and stayed away..
What should happen to the not written and not said rules he has imposed. I know he becomes awkward with me if I talk to certain people and because of that I reduced my interaction with them to minimum. Shall I continue doing the same thing.

Any thought about the whole thing??

I think you need to consider yourself "not a couple" with this guy at this point.
So if he gets upset with you talking to other people, that's his problem, not yours.
Seriously, why does he get to make all the rules here? And why would you let someone else dictate who you can and cannot speak with?
Consider yourself single at this point, which means you speak to anyone you damn please.
If he doesn't like it, tough shit. This is an imperfect situation all around, and you tiptoeing around on eggshells trying not to get him upset will not help matters at all.

Thanks you all. I really get a lot of strength from your advice..otherwise I am so stressed that I cannot think clearly.

Today, was the first time I see him in the corridor, he was so confused to say good morining at 3pm so I said good afternoon jokingly. then coming back in the same corridor I saw him again..believe it or not he pretended to go to the post room (on the same corridor but we never go there) and then out to go back to the next door office we know no one there. As soon I passed him at that door, he left to continue without seeing me.

Then we had to share an issue about work and was talking to him as well as other colleagues. When I left going home, I said see you ALL. He didn't reply whereas usually he would've replied.

My concern that he may take it as I am not talking to him or angry with him rather than the supportive way.. what can I do to clarify this? please help.

jesus woman.. do nothing!

He is going out of his way to ignore and avoid you! Chasing him is not going to work...

You are now officially, single

Posted by shellshocker
jesus woman.. do nothing!

He is going out of his way to ignore and avoid you! Chasing him is not going to work...

You are now officially, single

This just needed to be said again

Thanks
To tell you the truth as much it is painful probably it is for the better. I cannot cope with a moody person cannot tell how he is going to behave from one minute to another. I am not sure how his mourning all of sudden appeared after 3 months while he was touching and flirting with me the first 2 months after his wife's death.

You are quite right, either he comes back or it is not worth it.

Now I ahdn't met a bipolar before but today I have.. He parked next to me and while I was talking to a colleague, he came out of his office to say good morning and went back again...

This is madness..
I am going to stick by what you said for a while or what do you think?

I think I want to pull my hair out after reading your insanity.

Are you sure is isnt YOU who is Bi-Polar?

Sure, he may have flirted with you. He probably hadn't come to terms with his loss yet. Maybe he felt lonely, alone, and was in denial. Maybe only now it has fully hit him and he's backing off from you. Emotions make people irrational. Cancers especially.

Leave him alone. He is no longer your boyfriend. None of his "rules" apply to your life anymore (not that they ever should have, but whatever). Chalk this up to the fallout of a VERY bad decision to get involved with a married man. Take it as a painful lesson to never start any type of romantic relationship with a man who is not single and totally available.