leo lady confused by cancer guy...

a friend/member suggested that i post my situation for feedback, so here goes (sorry if it's a bit long):

i'd noticed a cancer guy and worked up the nerve to introduce myself. after a couple of convos, i discovered he had a girlfriend (i know, bad kitten 😢). however, it was the way he mentioned her --i have a girlfriend, but we'll see how that goes-- that led me to stick around and get to know him.

turns out, he's actually a really great guy. we started to talk & became friends on facebook. he'd even stop by where i worked and we'd leave together. all the while, he'd throw in mentions of his gf- sparingly. i'm talking 2 seconds as a segue to something ELSE. as he got more comfortable, we exchanged phone numbers & he began to text me to see how my mornings/weekends had gone.

contrary to the 'shell' descriptions, he's opened up and told me SO much about himself/home/family-- even sharing his fav tv shows (it crowd, top gear, inbetweeners). in the meantime, to return the favor, i'd made him a christmas stocking of his favorite football (soccer) team --he actually thought i bought it-- and i've made him scones (he liked those 🙂). we're big on sushi & had lunch on the spur of the moment once too.

he later invited me to a pub to see a world cup match (eng/usa-- footabll is his LIFE haha!!) & i got the chance to meet his girlfriend. she's ok-- not my type, but she seems really nice. we maybe talked for a total of 5-10 min (i was cordial) & the rest of the time i was talking to him and watching the match. he made it a point to check in & see if i was ok & following the action. i had a great time.

fast forward to now:

as of late i mentioned that i was thinking of taking a trip to london & he offered to help me plan. he also mentioned when he'd be going over 'if i managed to save enough' by that time. he did also say i could 'stay at his' while there.

turns out he's going to a cousin's wedding & to visit family... alone.

don't get me wrong-- i KNOW how obvious this sounds... REALLY I DO!! my friend thinks i'm totally daft over this clear hint. however, he may just be a really nice guy and perhaps wants to be a good friend. it's my fault-- i just operate better when people tell me things point blank.

the point is this-- it's been a year that we've known each other & i still can't get a read on him. i'm not sure if he's wanting friendship (i'd be disappointed, but ok) or preparing himself to go for something more.

any thoughts?

Posted by cancersunleomoon123
sounds liek friendship to me. sorry. 😢

cool. elaborate.

...alright...

honestly he could like you but introducing you to his gf is a way of putting up a nice good wall between friendship and anything romantic. i think if he wanted to do something that crossed the boundaries than he would probably make more distance between you and the gf including never mentioning her unless it was to complain. or again, not mentioning her. honestly, out of respect for his gf and his relationship i urge you to not try and get with him. if they break up let it be because it's something between them and not something that has to do with you. i know what it's like to have a thing for someone who has a significant other. i was once friends with a scorp who i had a huge crush on for over a year and he was with someone else. i knew he liked me two but i made sure to never cross the line. that included not being flirtatious, EVER, with him. they eventually broke up but by then i was already in a happy relationship with my current beau.

date someone who's not attached, you might meet someone better suited for you. no point in fantasizing about a guy who has a gf if nothing is going to happen. if something actually does while he does have this girl then he wasn't that much of a nice guy.

Posted by cancergem
honestly, out of respect for his gf and his relationship i urge you to not try and get with him. if they break up let it be because it's something between them and not something that has to do with you.

i wholeheartedly agree. i operate on a 'if it were me' policy. while i want the obvious outcome, i'm not going to root for their break up nor will i actively try to drive them apart. if she makes him happy & that's his choice-- more power to him. i'd still be his friend & be there for him.

i would want the same respect paid to my relationship should the situation have been reversed.

thank you for the reply cancergem 🙂

Posted by gemtaur
Just be a Leo, minus the high and mighty bit. He likes you. The gf's a security blanket. If he was in an actual relationship with a person he actually cared about, rest assured she'd have something to say about a woman staying at his place alone with him.

Only question is: Do you want someone who needs to use a gf as a decoy? Oh wait, this is the Cancer forum. Bad Gem.

Kidding aside, why don't you ask him? Why are women afraid of sending men away by COMMUNICATING? If he goes away, then, you woulnd't want to be in a relationship with him, would you? And if you're going to fall for thinking that because you're not a mind reader then there's no connection, thereby vindicating his losing interest in you, then you might as well shoot yourself now.

and this is why i love gemtaur

I tell her that all the time--he's not into the gf.

I still say I'ma be a bridesmaid (O_O)

Posted by gemtaur


Just be a Leo, minus the high and mighty bit.

Kidding aside, why don't you ask him? Why are women afraid of sending men away by COMMUNICATING? If he goes away, then, you woulnd't want to be in a relationship with him, would you? And if you're going to fall for thinking that because you're not a mind reader then there's no connection, thereby vindicating his losing interest in you, then you might as well shoot yourself now.

1- hahahah!! 🙂 i do and i'm only high and mighty when i feel people have attacked/insulted first.

2- generalization aside, i have no problem with direct communication-- giving or getting. i appreciate honesty as long as it's respectful or a constructive critique. i'm actually quite straightforward, but i don't want to come off as rude or as though being with him is all i cared about.. as i really do like him as a friend & don't want to lose that. he's a great person in general.

thanks gemtaur

neka's been cheerin me up 😉

I'm just laying low...cuz if i don't, with my temper, someone's gonna get shanked...

Posted by cancersunleomoon123
plus,i jsut haven;t really heard anything in your story to sound otherwise. plus,a whole year? Wow. That's jsut too slow for me, but that's jsut me of course.

i can see that.

in all honesty, it's gone by in the blink of an eye.

Posted by CLCNY30
neka's been cheerin me up 😉

I'm just laying low...cuz if i don't, with my temper, someone's gonna get shanked...

once again-- why shanking out the gate?

i mean i agree, but we need more solutions....

I think you're keeping enough of a distance to let whatever happens between them happen
I don't see how you can be blamed (or blame yourself) should they decide to split
I think you both have a lot going on in your lives, and should be in no rush to get together
Whether he comes around or not, we both know you'll be fine--and you're living your life anyway, so his presence or lack thereof will not harm you or your plans

*scrolls bridesmaids dresses*

Posted by gemtaur

1- About the high and mighty thing, I just mean pride. Cancer guys have a way of inducing grovelling in the most self-assured, stable types of woman. So, for example, you might have to open up first. That's very difficult for a Leo, but it might be what's needed. That's just how they are. That's what I meant.

2- If he thinks your asking after a year-long friendship where he's given consistently mixed signals is rude, then, out with him. Put yourself first Leo. Second, a man who thinks that emotional honesty means you are his world is not worth the time of your day, in which case wouldn't it be better for you to know now rather than wonder? Finally, great friends never - as Cancergem pointed out - cross lines. But he's already crossed lines, however, subtly or not. Again, put yourself first Leo. If this friendship is lost it's not because you've crossed any lines because his behaviour has enabled you to cross that line if it ever existed in the first place.

My two cents: You're a very generous and loyal person and he's got you wrapped around his finger emotionally, intentionally or not. Cancer men are pros at this. It's up to you to unwrap yourself and find out if it's intentional on his part or not, if he is in fact a great guy or not. I don't know. But you have the power to find this out for yourself.

1-- aah understood. while i have been *ahem* very smitten -hello, i'm a leo- i can assure you there shan't be any grovelling. cause yeah... no. hahahah!! no really-- yeah... no. 😐

2- see and i think of that. like i want to just blurt it out to him because i feel he just HAS to know. but i have a feeling he already does. as much as i try, i can only filter SO much. i will definitely consider just laying it on the line. we should have the mutual respect to just be straight with each other.

your two cents: thank you for the compliment, as i believe myself to both these things. i also agree with the rest, and i do balance myself and step away when i feel too sucked in. as i said-- yeah i'll need to assert my need for definitive clarity sooner or later.

Posted by Let*It*Be
1. "after a couple of convos, i discovered he had a girlfriend"
2. "he later invited me to a pub to see a world cup match & i got the chance to meet his girlfriend. "


3. MOVE ON, find yourself someone available and leave this girl's boyfriend alone.

Re 3: We're friends regardless of my interest (and I'm fine with just being friends if that's how it turns out). I also mentioned previously that I respect thier relationship and wouldn't do anything to actively drive them apart.

Thanks for your input