Oh no, now what's wrong? Moloko help!

Hi Moloko,
HERE'S AN EMAIL OR PARTS OF IT, THAT I SENT HIM LAST NIGHT BEFORE I LEFT:

You? are a cutie patootie! A sweet pea!
I wanna say thank you for being so patient, so sweet to me lately, you?re such a sweetheart, really, I mean that sooo much? it hurts, so badly it aches!! It just makes me wanna give you a big big hug and kiss your nose! Yes, kiss your ?sniffer!?(THATS WHAT HE CALLS IT!) I like your nose! From the tip of your nose to the tip of your toes? I absolutely love EVERYTHING about you! Okay!?

You know, the feeling I?ve been getting lately is that we seem to be waiting on each other for ?something?? I think that perhaps you may have been making a little more of an effort at opening up, getting closer to me than I have to you. Sorry if I?ve made you feel like you were a little alone at it, it is a two-way thing, I will meet you halfway, make it mutual. I?ll get out of the clouds, come back to earth enjoy the ?moment? here with you, together!!

Anyhow? I?ll see you tomorrow?
Ok bye bye sweetie pie!
Have a good nite! Take care?

I ALSO ADDED THAT I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM WEAR HIS BLACK LEVIS JEANS TODAY, IF HE COULD WEAR THEM I WAS JOKING AND WROTE " did you hear what they said on radio? Tomorrow is international black denim day! Pleeease wear black jeans for me! if you can!

THIS MORNING:

He comes in no black jeans? We exchanged good mornings and i said so where's th black jeans!?? they're up north at my coutry place.... oh ok! You'll see them next year he says (today is his last day of work, he's going up north to country place, he loves skiing!)

anyhow... he seems rather distant,cold, not in a very good mood... we didn't mention anything about my email? and I feel it coming... i dont think i'll be seeing much of him... something's wrong I FEEL it... but what?

It can be discouraging at times...

One more thing?
I don?t know if he?s upset about me EMAILING, finding it too impersonal? (which I wouldn?t be surprised if it were, I tend to do that sometimes when I wanna say things that I?d have a hard time saying face to face, so it may make him annoyed?!) Or I know he?s been nice and open and trying this week but I?ve been holding back, been nice, but not as enthusiastic as he?s been? so it could be that too, he sorts of punishes me sometimes like that, if i haven't been receptive to his friendliness... then he does it in return... I don't know...

Actually he did speak to me, he came to announce to me that the company wasn't moving, (we were supposed to) so he was very happy about that he rushed over to my office and says "Sunshine (that's what he calls me!) we're NOT moving! so i just casually said oh great, that's good... we made eye contact, but he saw i was down, and not happy... so i got up from my chair to do something and he stood there for 5 seconds and went...

Well he was actually nice but i got all grumpy and started avoiding him so he got even more closer as i got more grumpy... but he thinks some other person pissed me off...(and they did too) so he asked... "is he stressing you out?!" yes a bit i told him. I wanted to tell him yes he's stressing me out but YOU are making me upset, but i didnt. I think he was freaking out, he got scared, he didn't want me to get upset... so by coming to see me was his way of telling me "I don't know what's wrong, but please dont' be upset" but never was my email mentioned... anyhow this is strange... and uncomfortable i don't like it.

Well your email, to my eyes is really quite open and honest, your not beating around the bush, if that email was sent to me i would not need an ounce of further encouragement and as scary as is would be still i would be able to bring myself to mentioning the email to you the next day and push things onto the next stage, i really hope hes not into the playing mind games things, saying that his behaviour is partly typical of a cancer wanting to protect thier own feelings, but really your expressing yourself very well, you are very honest with him, the fact that its by email is fine, you are getting your feelings out there and to him, it may be now that your going through the awkwardness of something serious starting and hes maybe getting a little scared, i dont know for sure, i know in the past ive probably given the strangest of messages to someone who is clearly attracted to me and ive acted kinda wierd when i know its not the best thing to do, i understand how your feeling at the moment, you really cant be more open at the moment without grabbing him and kissing him or something, it fair that he opens up more now to you and does his bit too, if he cant take a full on hint like you have gave him, then he needs a shake, although im a cancer too i would definately take it to the next stage and discuss it with you if i had got that email from you.

So you think my email is open and honest!
Good morning MOloko!

ALL the emails i've sent him ARE JUST LIKE THAT! Very clear, no beating around the bush! Eventhough i may have not have SAID it LIKE that in person, he knows how i feel.

THAT'S why it makes me wonder!? he KNOWS how i feel, so why can't he just make the move? He'll be around me lots, talk about anything BUT "us", what's going on between "us", the feelings, the sparks! and I know he feels it all, he's all excited and just won't do or say anything... and it makes me nervous, he comes around and i get all excited, nervous, perhaps it doesn't help him to open up? but it's getting ridiculous now... like on the edge of something but it never happens... I'm exhausted!

He calls me sunshine all the time, which is what got all this started, the first time he called me sunshine... I thought "Mmmm... what does he want from me?" it felt suspicious, uncomfortable at first but it grew on me and i started telling him that every time that he called me sunshine my heart melts! he LIKED that! So it's been my nickname ever since! That's what made me fall in the first place!

Anyhow...he's a very good person, very kind, very responsible, very honest - it seems - I see the way he acts with others,he's 52 years old - he's got two sons from a previous marriage which he's very much involved in their life, he adores them, not a young irresponsible jerk!

About a month ago, he announced to me that his days could be numbered here at work... company was thinking of moving the whole accounting dept. and he'd lose his job... and i and he too, both of us sort of panicked...because we wouldn't see each other and i sent him an email

HERE'S A PIECE OF THAT EMAIL I SENT HIM:

Hey handsome! (That's what i call him)
I had nothing to do so I wrote! (he had left early that day)
I think you enjoy reading my emails, perhaps they make you smile, give you a warm fuzzy feeling? I hope so!

You know, I?m afraid I?ve fallen for you?as much as I?ve been holding back, hanging on for dear life, it?s too late I?ve crossed that line?at this point to go back would be extremely hard - not impossible but it would feel that way. It was either I fall or I don?t but I can?t stay in the middle. All this scares me very much, to me love is a very powerful thing, I fear it as much as I desire it.

I don?t know what to do with all this now? I get involved or I don?t, when I do all of my heart goes in it, 110% , there?s no wishy washy stuff, that is just the way I am. I guess I?m not one to go sleeping around, taking it with a grain of salt, I?ve got very high standards, morals, principles, I would never be able to live with myself doing things like that - NEVER. (SO HE KNOWS HOW I FEEL ABOUT ONENITE STANDS)
So, yes I?ve fallen for you, and perhaps you?ve fallen for me?how deep?! I don?t know! But I know you like me, you?ve told me so, and I can see it, you enjoy & crave the attention, affection, love just as much as I do. And perhaps it?s as hard for you as it is for me? you want? you don?t want? it?s really not easy?nor simple
Why am I telling you all this? Because, I want you to know, so it can be clearer in your head? it helps no?! I simply wanted you to know what?s in my head and my heart. I?m not trying mess with your head and heart, I?m not a mean person?I?m a good person, I?m sort of like a big teddy bear inside! Like you!
You know when you first started here almost 2 years ago, that year, I think it was late spring or early summer, you had gone out to pick up your son at the airport from a trip to Israel, and I remember what you had said about waiting for him to get off the plane and he was the last one off pushing a kid in a wheelchair and you said? I was so proud to see him, proud of him taking on that responsibility taking care of the other student in the wheel chair?and I sat here thi

.,

Wow!
I've been talking to you soo much lately! I enjoy it too! it's almost as if you were right here close by! I like it!

You know, bottom line, what I TRULY think...
I've told you so much, but what you're missing is... that
I know, i tend to email more than i can actually say in person, it's become a problem. and when he comes close, we talk, the feeling is good. but it's never a talk about our feelings, like everything i say in emails... i've not quite done in person and i think, almost 97.9% sure, that he's tired of that, he probably wishes i'd TELL him instead of EMAILING HIM... he likes to know that i'm soo much into him but "why can't she TELL me face to face" i think that's what's wrong at this point...
But still, after everything i've emailed, i wish so much that he'd get this "conversation" started... but he's holding back and so am I... so it's not going anywhere...

THAT"S what i THINK....

Could it be?

Hi Cafrella

Yeah your email is definately open and honest to my eyes, your right, i dont matter which way your saying it, if your being that clear about things then any form of communication is fine, if you get excited around him surely he should get a buzz from that and have enough to push things on, it wouuld be a disappointment if hes the type that needs to remain 100% in control, its not fair on you as its will have your emotions all up and down and giving you the feeling like you dont know where you stand, or what will happen next.
Im suprised to learn of his age, i thought he was maybe around my age, possibly younger, that makes me wonder slightly now, hes old enough to have a fair bit of life experience behind him, he knows what works and what dont, im a little suprised that hes acting as he is, a little caution from a cancer when thier not sure is normal, but your up front with him, i dont think that he sounds overly shy, he may be scared, the sheer depth of it all may be scaring him a bit, you have done things right though, you couldnt have done it better really, i gotta compliment you on that, i wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that your saying it through email and not to his face as you really are putting in effort here, he really must do his part to, your more direct than most, i see any form of communication as acceptable, if it helps you get your thoughts out then its good, phone, text message, letter, email, in person or 100 ft high letters on the side of a buiding 😉 i admire your courage and confidence in what you have told him so far.

So what you're basically telling me is that it IS HIS turn?
It doesn't matter that I EMAIL most of it?

OR else he could possibly be that he's playing with me, my head, my heart? Enjoy the flatering things i tell him?

OR that he's just simply SCARED of what this will bring on for him, like i sound serious and he's having second thoughts on all of it?

YOU KNOW....
I have to tell you that, as much as I don't want to see this... or admit... MAYBE i don't give him much of a chance to talk, to open up... I DO make everything nervous, I tend to talk first before he does... sometimes i feel scared of what he'll says so I'll keep conversation going on other things... the more i think about it the more i see it now...it's getting clearer to me, so maybe it's me who doesn't give him enough of a chance...and if i think back and remember i can see that it frustrates him....
i do do that...
I THINK IT"S ME... really...

Hi cafrella

Yeah i would say its time for him to put in some work, and thats your choice of communication is fine.
He could be playing with you, i dont know if your younger than him, he may find it flattering to get all this attention from you and is lapping it up, seeing what you will do next, or hes maybe just frightend by it, you really dont need to keep being hard on yourself though cafrella, believe me, from what you have been posting here you are not doing anything wrong, hes a guy, hes in his fifties, hes hardly a stranger to life, he knows the score, he sounds pretty cool, but hes gotta do his thing too or maybe stop flirting with you as i can see that your into him deeply and he seems like hes into you to, but you want to progress and its damn hard i know, he cant expect you to do it all, no ones at fault or anything here, if you can, ease back from him a little, not in a ignoring type of way, maybe retreat a little and see what happens, but if he contacts you be your usual nice self and everything.
You dont want him thinking that he can have you jumping through hoops, and thats from me a cancer male who knows how bloody wierd we can get at times, you sound fabulous and quite special cafrella, remind yourself of that everyday.

I think it's me the problem, I've been sitting here and the more i remember, the more i look back... the way i act... I can't possibly make it easy for him to say anything... and when i get angry at him or the situation, he may ask me, try to see who or what's annoying me and i think he knows i'm annoyed with him but i always say "everything's fine" and refuse to say anything else, instead of saying look i am annoyed, this whole situation is driving me crazy, can we move on to better things... I NEVER Admit whats truly bothering me and im sure he KNOWS why i'm upset but i won't admit... and this is why this is happening...

Well indirectly, he is bothering you in a way, and then it appears to me he plays the i dont know why your annoyed and il play dumb thing, he may be loving the whole situation, playing you like a puppet master, you have to realise that your not doing anything wrong, some times when things dont go how we like in life we will generally either blame others or blame ourselves and at times do both, lots of people dont admit whats truely bothering them, im a classic case of someone who lets things build up over time then all hell breaks loose and it all comes flooding out, that happens when i try to tip toe around everyone and not wanting to offend people.

Well yes I know, i understand what you're saying but... I don't think that's the case although if it is what he's doing, playing puppet... let me tell you, he has no clue who he's DEALING with here, lets just say he'll regret ever knowing me period! NOBODY does something like that to me and gets away with it. I am a LEO after all! he's seen me angry, and I don't think he'd do something like that "play puppet" for fun... I intimidate a lot of people, sometimes, including him

You now from my perspective, i know you're not here, you only hear what i tell you, and i was home lastnight, thinking... and he has been showing his interest, he does like me a lot, and by talking about it with friends, including you! I can see that I am really not helping at all... I make it hard for him to come close, really I do... i'm sometimes almost unapproachable... like when i am angry for whatever... he's tried coming close and he'll say is everthing ok? wanting to help, but I'll just brush him off, telling him everything fine. But he's not stupid!

And i know i said "he never said anything about my email" I do that to sometimes, I send emails and not always, but sometimes almost act like i never sent one... so that's got to be frustrating for him...I know it is he's showed me. It's funny sometimes we both can get upset at each other and just never say a word but we will KNOW.
Seriously, I think he does like me a lot but I'm the one who doesn't let him come close. I am NOT trying to take ALL the blame, but I know i'm at fault...

I could help him a bit, by being a little more relaxed, not so scared and sometimes i know he wants to say something, i "feel" it, we both feel it it's on the "verge" and i COULD (but i dont) say.. "is there something else you wish to tell me" i think (I know) that's all he would need, but i don't, i'm a little scardycat!

So we get frustrated and he just goes back to his office and tries again later or the next day, so it's just a bunch of "get close, sticking around my desk, talk talk talk but never about US and I KNOW he wants to I want to, WE want to! but its talk about everything else, work, weather, coworkers, his dogs, the plants around my desk!! and that's it so you see what I mean!?

I know he likes me, yes it may be a little scary at times for him, as it is for me the "getting closer" can be frightening... but I don't think he's playing puppets with me.

SO NOW that i see this so much clearly - took a while! But it couldn't be anymore clearer... it's all because I took time to think, to write you this... to explain, and it's much clearer

Do you see what I mean!? Does it make sense to you?

I'm the one who has to open up and ALLOW him to get close...

I'm the scardycat! Eventhough I'm a LEO!

Thats correct, i only know what you tell me, so i can only advise you using the information that you give to me, i think i will keep my nose out now, its really none of my business, i dont know why i even tried to advise, do your thing , its nothing to do with me.

It must be night time for you when i'm writing all this?! and vice versa~!

Awaiting your reply... *grin *

oh! Sorry i had not seen your reply...
Oh no! don't take it that way, your input has truly helped me figuring out my mess... really! Don't take it like that! I like you! Your hepl was very much appreciated! okay?! I need you help!

Now go see "Libra female, how to blow you away..." and read what i wrote!
C'mon!