So confused with Cancer guy! (long, sorry!)

I've known my Cancer since about February of this year. Things took off between us right from the start. We talked for hours almost every day on instant messenger, occasionally on the phone, and there have been quite a few trips made to see each other in various places (he lives 3 hours away and is also a touring musician). He's stayed the night at my house, I've stayed at his, and yeah, "things" happened between us from a relatively early point. 😉 (I feel it important to note that we have never had sex, but come very close to it on more than one occasion.)

I was already head-over-heels for this guy when I decided I could live with a FWB kinda deal. That was my dumbest idea ever!! Of course I couldn't live with that. And I've since told him how I really feel about him. His response was confusion (he doesn't understand how anyone could ever love him) and brushing me off by saying, "I don't want a relationship--with ANYONE--right now, there is too much going on with my career and everything." And I am okay with that. I've dealt with musicians most of my life and I know how that part of their mind and their life works. The thing that confuses me about this guy is that since I told him how I felt, things between us have gotten a little strange. I would have expected him to head for the hills when I told him how I felt and he didn't return the feelings...but he didn't. And even though I understand it, I'm human, and unrequited love is kind of hard on me. So I've tried pushing him away numerous times to try to get over him. I've been nice about it, I've been a downright b*tch about it...and every single time he comes back to me. We had a minor disagreement once and I took advantage of that and laid into him via email (basically calling him the scum of the earth, a womanizer, and tearing his musical career to shreds). He read it and IMMEDIATELY CALLED ME in the middle of the night to TALK ABOUT IT! And that's where it got really weird...

The whole time I have known this guy, he has hinted around this huge secret from his past...he always said only his family and "the girl I plan to marry" would ever know it. Well, during the phone call after the horrible email I sent him, HE TOLD ME. And it's nothing terrible. I still love him, with all my heart. But what is going through his mind in telling me this, especially after I told him to eff off?

BTW, I am a Capricorn (b/c I know knowing that helps some of you with your responses!)

Oh, and I want to make it clear that I DO NOT actually want this guy completely out of my life at all!! He truly is the best friend I've ever had. It's just hard being so close to him sometimes and thinking/knowing that he doesn't love me back like that. I also have borderline personality disorder, so things are kinda black-and-white with me in relation to others...he knows this and has been really amazing through our friendship and everything I've put him through due to that. He just absolutely refuses to walk away from me. I know he's been hurt pretty bad in the past...do you think he's just being extremely cautious with his feelings towards me because of that now, or am I just hoping because of his "big secret" and all the trust he's shown in me and all we've been through that he really does love me?


Thanks for any insight anyone can give me on my Crab...I've been lurking the board for a while and some of the posts/answers have been truly helpful in understanding him! 🙂

JD-thank you for taking the time to read and respond!

Everyone has problems, and I deal with mine accordingly. Yes, I understand (having other Crab friends) that they are sometimes hard to deal with, but I don't see how this is a good reason to simply "forget about him?" As I said before, he is the best friend I have ever had. He knows things about me that no one else does (and I know things like that about him as well), and he is the only person I have ever met who doesn't judge me or turn and run if something happens. (There's in-depth explanations for that last comment, but I'm not about to post them on a message board, sorry!) Suffice it to say we have seen each other through too much to merely "forget about him."

Maybe he is being honest about not wanting a relationship, due to his career. We are perfectionists... and being that he knows himself better than anyone else, and a relationship with you (at this time) could be a distraction to the goals he has set for himself. I am guessing that "He's stayed the night at my house, I've stayed at his, and yeah, 'things' happened between us from a relatively early point," (excluding sex from the equation) must mean cuddling. A cancer can (innocently) cuddle with you because he knows you're alone... especially if he's alone. I don't know if this is all cancer guys, or if this is another one of those things that just makes ME weird. But, I have done this before to keep someone from feeling that emotional cold (and not caught any feelings for that person)... I can't answer how this may affect that person (but I can assure you, if I knew it would hurt them in the long run... I wouldn't do it in the first place). Personally, if feelings from the other side started to show (and I wasn't feeling the same way back towards them), I would get out of the situation to avoid leading that person on.

You are right, it should be based on mutual respect! And he does respect me, and his actions in the past have shown myself and others we know that he does care for me very much...I am just not sure if this deep care and concern for me is on a purely platonic level or something more. That is what I am trying to shed some light on right now. Main example from the previous posts being when I yelled at him and he came back to me and completely opened up and trusted me with his biggest secret.

Why would a Cancer--or ANYONE for that matter!--trust with their biggest secret the one person who just told them they hate them? I surely would not open up to someone like that unless I had very strong feelings towards them! But then again, I am female and a Cap. haha From my understanding though, a Crab will not come out of his shell until he is sure he can trust someone or unless he truly cares for/loves someone... Also from my understanding, a Crab is very easily hurt emotionally, and will then retreat into their shell... He very much trusted me and has since continued to do so, and he most certainly did not retreat into his shell, even when I tried to push him back into it! The "why" of both of these is what I am here to try and figure out... 🙂

leokitten--yeah, as I said dumbest idea EVER!! haha

broken_shell--if your "cuddling" includes oral sex, massages, and the like, then yes, I meant "cuddling." hehe 😉 And he knows how I feel, and he is not getting out of the situation. Refuses to leave me, actually. And we have plans to see each other again at the end of this month...

JD--with all due respect, I've read your posts about your own experience with the Cancer guy who blew you off... That is not what is happening in my situation. My guy keeps coming back to me, despite hurtful things I've done to him to try and distance myself so I could get over him. Which says to me (and everyone else we know) that he is not willing to let me go, for some reason. Just trying to find out what that reason is.

leokitten--there has actually been a mutual agreement to cease the "booty calls" as of last month. I told him I felt like I was being used for that purpose, and he was very apologetic for it, and said he thought it would be a good idea for us to not do anything like that "for a while" because he has "too much respect" for me to continue to make me feel like that. (Which could be a total line, but seems odd because in the beginning it was my idea, not his.) It's since we've stopped the physical relations that the emotional ones have strengthened; we seem to be closer now than ever before.

PS: I'd hoped you'd respond to this thread...your blunt honesty always makes me laugh, but still think. 😉 "and really...the shell crap? it gets old." LOL

JD--Truth is not a problem, however I am not about to divulge his secret to the world, nor specific parts of my own personal past... Some things are okay to inquire & comment about in a public setting, others are not. It's the truly personal things that really connect people on deeper levels though, which is why it's hard for me to give a good enough amount of information here to make our relationship understood by outsiders, I guess.

And I was not implying that your Crab was leaving you twisting in the wind, just stating that you had said a few times that he would not return calls and things like that. And I DID see that you have not had sex with him, which is very commendable! We seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot... My apologies to you, I'm not here to create drama at all! 😢

JD--we were replying at the same time...to your latest comment: the FWB has stopped, as of last month. As my post to leokitten said, it was a mutual agreement. I think it was confusing to him because it was my idea in the beginning to have that kind of "relationship" (or "heartache" as you so accurately put it!)

Since we have stopped crossing those sexual lines, however, we have become much closer emotionally. That is why I'm confused now. To make sense of this, a hint into my past: it might be that I was raised equating sex with love. And sexual acts with my Cancer did not equal love, but the emotional connection we have now IS. I denied this to myself for a long time, until I was recently confronted by a mutual friend about it, who pointed out to me just how much this guy cares for me, or he would have been long gone by now.

Seems like your Cancer is dealing with stuff in his life like he told you. Cancers find it hard to open up and trust someone if they have been hurt before. You really have youself to blame for this guy acting the way he does. From what you wrote you clearly stated that you were fine if the relationship was based on a FWB level. Obviously the guy would have been cool with this agreement and would continue in this repect because you were fine with it and was allowing it to happen.

You're not the only woman who is at fault for this, some women agree to be FWB when they first meet someone and haven't yet developed "feelings" for that person. FWB is not for everyone, because eventually a friendship is hard to uphold when sex gets involved. When you give your body to a man, you expect alot from him as opposed to just being his friend. Someone who is your friend, would just be that, a friend. Someone whom you hang out with and maintain the relationship as friends without having sex. However, as a woman when you have sex with that person, emotions and feelings change. Your mind connects with that person on a different level and you can never go back to being just "friends". Those feelings will always be there and even if you two split up, you will remember that person. All because you had sex with them.

Having said this, Cancers do find it hard to let people go, they always remember any person that they were involved with even if they know it couldn't work. This is why he keeps in contact with you, that doesn't mean that he actually wants to be with you. Cancers play games sometimes and withdraw from people and when someone pushes them away they come crawling back. But your case is quite obvious. The "relationship" between you and him started out a certain way, you failed to maintain it, he still wants it to be that way, you don't. It's complicated but pretty straight forward, you will probably never get him the way you want him or do the things that you want him to do because his view of you is a FWB.

I would not pine over him because it's not like he is playing games, he plainly stated that "I don't want a relationship--with ANYONE". He is telling you straight. Why do you continue to think otherwise? You are only wasting your time, even if he is a good friend, you are no longer just friends because you had sex.

Good luck!

"if your 'cuddling' includes oral sex, massages, and the like, then yes, I meant 'cuddling.'"
UHHHH... no... if that happens long enough, either I'm going to go all the way with you, or I would just keep having the fun I can with you. Don't know about other cancers when it comes to this, but... I don't like to add to the list of people I've slept with. I'm 27 now and have only been intimate with 4 people in my lifetime so far. I would keep getting it in with the person I can get it from, simply because I don't want to add to the list. The FWB is the flaw from which you seek a solution. I would not advance in that kind of a relationship either. You allowed your feelings to get involved... and it will be damn near impossible to get what you want from him because your idea of 'cuddling' is far more interactive than that of the cuddling I was referring to. You might as well have just went ahead and done it (it would be more satisfying that teasing the hell out of each other... if you were FWB). If I were you... I would get the same fun out of him, because chances are, he will do the same. But... keep an eye out for someone you can see yourself getting somewhere with. But if you are going to take this advice, it's probably a good thing that you didn't go all the way with him (especially if he gives you those kind of butterflies... allow them to fly away). Or the only other alternative is to tell him, you take all of me or you get nothing. Either way, you will find what you're asking us for.

paralleldreams,

i had a similar situation between myself and my Capricorn ex-gf of 2 yrs. (i am a Cancer btw).

we dated for quite some time and i never thought much about a relationship with her. we were great friends and liked each other but i never got comfortable with the relationship. so i kept hesitating to ask her to be my gf.

after a few months passed, i finally told her i just wanted to be friends -- and she was heartbroken. but RIGHT AFTER i told her this, i realized a horrible mistake. i had true and genuine romantic feelings for her and i didn't even know it!

but at this point, my Cappy gf was heartbroken and found a guy to "rebound" from (her neighbor). i spent a good 6 months to try to win her back but you know, with Capricorns, it's never easy to win them back. their pride is so strong that you'll have to move mountains to get them to change their minds.

to make a long story short, your Cancer guy may have real feelings for you that he didn't know he did until you tried to pull away from him. and now, he's trying to win you back in his indirect, roundabout way...which is why it's so confusing for you.

just my 2 cents...