Cancer87
@Cancer87
14 Years
Comments: 2 · Posts: 61 · Topics: 5
Actions over Words?? or Not...?
Most men say something similar cap or not...if I had to take a close guess, I would say at the moment he has no intentions of commitment specifically with you but watching his actions can tell you a story as well, I would say they both have to match up to a certain level for you to be able to take him seriously.
If he says he doesn't know what he wants...Believe him
If he says he doesn't know what he wants...Believe him
Ok.. It is still early in the getting to know each other but I read that answer as he does know what he wants.. It may not be what I have. He is very skeptical of things and can tell he is very guarded. Since then, he has opened up to me more but I can tell he never gives a certain answer for anything. BUT all in all, I will believe him here. Now he is allowing me to meet his son but this too may not mean much. My kids dad doesn't care who is around our kids sad to say. Thx tiki33
Have you considered "holding off" on meeting his kids? Personally knowing what i know from experience, I wouldn't meet kids until things were official in the relationship, minimizes expectations on your part and doesn't create confusion for the kids or for you.
Dating is different today, used to be meeting kids and family/mama meant something but now it virtually means nothing anymore...Can't really gauge the seriousness of the relationship on actions alone. Others have dated Cap men with no real title for years, I hope you don't have to wait that long or live in that void with your Cap but just know he may never make it official so if being official is important to you then let him KNOW it's important to you, you don't have to pressure him to give you a real relationship but if you pretend it's not important he'll make the assumption that it's not and take his sweet time.
Dating is different today, used to be meeting kids and family/mama meant something but now it virtually means nothing anymore...Can't really gauge the seriousness of the relationship on actions alone. Others have dated Cap men with no real title for years, I hope you don't have to wait that long or live in that void with your Cap but just know he may never make it official so if being official is important to you then let him KNOW it's important to you, you don't have to pressure him to give you a real relationship but if you pretend it's not important he'll make the assumption that it's not and take his sweet time.
Ok I see what you mean. About the kids thing, no I hesitated on meeting his son intially but he will NOT meet mine. I know its not right on the other end but I try not to come around when he has his son. I will see how this plays out but my guard is up and I def won't pressure him. I'd rather just move on.
Also tiki33, he is so hot and cold... I don't know what to believe. Sometimes he acts like he does like me other times he is not responsive. I will keep my distance emotionally until I'm sure.
Oh you can read about the hot/cold dance some cap men play out in relationships here, plenty to read.
Nothing you can do to make him stay hot, just have to get busy with your own life and allow him the space to warm up to you all in his own, can't coerce or convince him to be more involved then he's comfortable with but at the same time don't allow him to push you to emotionally invest by meeting his child or meeting family and friends too early, if you haven't defined the relationship it's best to use discernment about getting involved in his world.
Make sure what you are doing is something you can handle emotionally, it's hard not to fall into this la la land myiopic view of him being "THE ONE" because of the way he makes you feel when he's around but just be sure whatever you are doing is at your own pace and "THINK" how him pulling you into his world will effect you long term especially if things don't work out. It's really hard to detach from a relationship that didn't really have a real label in the first place.
Follow your heart but use a bit of objective thinking along with it as well. Don't fall into the relationship trap of being attached to an unavailable man, if he's hot and cold then he's unavailable (right now), that could change though, if you don't pressure him to commit he could easily commit to you without being nudged and forced into communicating before he's ready.
It's really hard but patience and lots of it, this is not even an over exaggerated word, patience, slow slow and more patience, find a way to accept being in that voided space were nothing is defined for a little while, it won't last forever.
Nothing you can do to make him stay hot, just have to get busy with your own life and allow him the space to warm up to you all in his own, can't coerce or convince him to be more involved then he's comfortable with but at the same time don't allow him to push you to emotionally invest by meeting his child or meeting family and friends too early, if you haven't defined the relationship it's best to use discernment about getting involved in his world.
Make sure what you are doing is something you can handle emotionally, it's hard not to fall into this la la land myiopic view of him being "THE ONE" because of the way he makes you feel when he's around but just be sure whatever you are doing is at your own pace and "THINK" how him pulling you into his world will effect you long term especially if things don't work out. It's really hard to detach from a relationship that didn't really have a real label in the first place.
Follow your heart but use a bit of objective thinking along with it as well. Don't fall into the relationship trap of being attached to an unavailable man, if he's hot and cold then he's unavailable (right now), that could change though, if you don't pressure him to commit he could easily commit to you without being nudged and forced into communicating before he's ready.
It's really hard but patience and lots of it, this is not even an over exaggerated word, patience, slow slow and more patience, find a way to accept being in that voided space were nothing is defined for a little while, it won't last forever.
Thanks for the help. I like to withdraw here and there for a few days every now and then and get my thoughts and attitude in line. It is frustrating, this hot and cold behavior, but I never let him see me sweat. When I become too frustrated and am beginning to become impatient, I withdraw. I do go on with my life that I had before him, I am in school and work full time so that is not a problem. I don't focus my attention all on him but he does have a bit of it when he throws me in a loop and that is when I withdraw.
As far as the kids again, I don't really want to get too close without a definition of what "this" is but I definitely am not a woman to pressure a man about anything. (That has also got me into trouble in the past, not saying anything just walking away from the situation). I don't know what my heart and head is saying because I always go back and forth with it. All I really can do in this situation is let things flow naturally but keep being as guarded as I am because I am still not certain after 2 months if the man likes me (sad) or if I am just someone to fill the space until he finds what he is looking for elsewhere.
He says he hasn't been with anyone within 2 1/2 years so I know he is very guarded by his speech and he will definitely have to warm up. Also, note, the first time I met his son... his son stared(sp). He (the dad) sent him to bed after we ate and his son asked him when was he coming to bed... he told him in a minute. His son's response was "when this girl leaves".
As far as the kids again, I don't really want to get too close without a definition of what "this" is but I definitely am not a woman to pressure a man about anything. (That has also got me into trouble in the past, not saying anything just walking away from the situation). I don't know what my heart and head is saying because I always go back and forth with it. All I really can do in this situation is let things flow naturally but keep being as guarded as I am because I am still not certain after 2 months if the man likes me (sad) or if I am just someone to fill the space until he finds what he is looking for elsewhere.
He says he hasn't been with anyone within 2 1/2 years so I know he is very guarded by his speech and he will definitely have to warm up. Also, note, the first time I met his son... his son stared(sp). He (the dad) sent him to bed after we ate and his son asked him when was he coming to bed... he told him in a minute. His son's response was "when this girl leaves".
Yes this is the same person. Question though: What is wrong with the first statement? Bascially he would rather me find time to contact him in between those hours. I would only contact him in the mornings before my day started and after school when my day ended.
When he said that he is selective of who comes over to his home... I didn't take offense to that either. I am as well. He hasn't even been to my house for that matter nor knows exactly where I live. In my eyes, he would be priviledged to visit my home and I took it the same way from him.
The last quote, I can understand as that is a controlling thing to say. Please help me to understand what am I missing here?
When he said that he is selective of who comes over to his home... I didn't take offense to that either. I am as well. He hasn't even been to my house for that matter nor knows exactly where I live. In my eyes, he would be priviledged to visit my home and I took it the same way from him.
The last quote, I can understand as that is a controlling thing to say. Please help me to understand what am I missing here?
Ok I see what you are saying. I will def follow my instincts. I didn't mean to say two different things. I guess I didn't word it right but what I wrote is what he said over time during different conversations we've had in the past. I have a good sense of where to go with this whole thing. Thanks for your feedback!
OK I've been married to two Capricorn males and I'm a Cancerian. I ended my engagement with the third cos I finally realised I had some issues and was a magnet to the controlling types of all star signs and they to me. The Capricorns were the hardest to get rid of though!
So I can tell you from what you have written that you have a controller. You need to read this next sentence carefully and absorb it and totally understand it :
He states he likes the woman to be the aggressor. He tells you what time you can ring and that if you cut your hair it's not gonna be good.
The lesson here that you need to learn real fast is that he is the controller in this relationship. He is telling you one thing so you pursue him - but what he is really saying is "if you pursue me I know you are insecure and I can have some real 'fun' driving you crazy and then discarding you when i feel like it. He is setting you up to fail. Don't buy it.
If you really want to be around this type without going mad, back the hell off right now and let him pursue you. Don't back off in a game playing way. Back off in a "I am an independent woman, who does what the hell she wants with her own hair, and don't sit around waiting for him way'.
Never ever settle for a man when it already doesn't feel right - but you overlook 'stuff' cos sometimes he is just so sweet. The sweet can turn to sour so fast once a controller knows he has you on his hook.
So I can tell you from what you have written that you have a controller. You need to read this next sentence carefully and absorb it and totally understand it :
He states he likes the woman to be the aggressor. He tells you what time you can ring and that if you cut your hair it's not gonna be good.
The lesson here that you need to learn real fast is that he is the controller in this relationship. He is telling you one thing so you pursue him - but what he is really saying is "if you pursue me I know you are insecure and I can have some real 'fun' driving you crazy and then discarding you when i feel like it. He is setting you up to fail. Don't buy it.
If you really want to be around this type without going mad, back the hell off right now and let him pursue you. Don't back off in a game playing way. Back off in a "I am an independent woman, who does what the hell she wants with her own hair, and don't sit around waiting for him way'.
Never ever settle for a man when it already doesn't feel right - but you overlook 'stuff' cos sometimes he is just so sweet. The sweet can turn to sour so fast once a controller knows he has you on his hook.
Yea I got this drift with the other posters. I will back off and not contact him. I honestly didn't think things were this serious. Excuse me for being naive but I have absolutely no problem with ending things with him. It is still early and yes I can see that he is controlling. It really sounds bad when the 3rd party gives their point of view. I will withdraw though. I don't need any interruptions in what I have going on right. Thanks.
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