Capricorn Married Man.....

Okay, I have this friend I worked with years ago and we have always remained friends. We just have great conversations. Well, over the last year his liking had become a bit more flirtatious. We used to hang out a lot together going to lunch and for drinks after work. Well come to find out ....our fellow colleagues accused him of having an affair with me. This never did happen because I don't date married men. Although we got along smashingly well it has always just been friends. I would vent about my problems ....and he would vent his ....most about his unsatisifed marriage.

Well I was talking to cap the other day, because we had not met up for over 9 months. Well he admited that he always had really liked me and was attracted to me. I was a bit floored. Although I knew this without him saying anything (I am a pisces you know) ...just having it out there in the open left me speachless. I could be attracted to him, but the whole married thing is so unattractive and unappealing to me. I don't want to be the third wheel in his life. I used to tell him, if you are so unhappy than why don't you get a divorce. He says he can't because of his son. I respect this and told him "Well than you need to make your marriage work. I am not your sidebar entertainment ....if that is what you are intending me to be."

What do I do with this Capricorn man—

PD

Why are you speechless? This man has clearly reached his limit with faking the friendship approach and is ready to CASH IN it seems, he's put in enough time and work to get your guards down and is now testing your boundaries in hopes that your lonely enough that you don't have any boundaries at least not enough for him to NOT have his way, he's fishing for SEX which is really what he wanted and was doing all along, this is not a Capricorn thing, it's a man thing??_.He's clearly crossed boundaries, you have the option to tell him never to come at you like that again (warn him) or drop his potentially cheating ass.

Posted by Shaks
Doing nothing is also doing something 😄

Very true .....that was my thought. Maybe avoid him now. eeeek :\

Tikki ...I like it ....he is a PCA (potentially cheating ass) 😛

I agree, it is really black and white in relations. Him wanting to hold onto his marriage for convienence and having a sidebar is just so wrong. Those PCA's who like to eat their cake and eat it to. pfff What are they thinking—

PD

Okay ...so Cap and I were on the phone I pretended like the conversation did not happen and just went on about the day. Well Capricorn was telling me about he last year and how emotionally and mentally drained he has been. Come to find out his wife has cancer and she has had four major surgeries in the last year. So I felt like such a heal for being distant the last few few months when we did not communicate. This makes sense why he is seeking outside of his household. He says her health has really gone down. So this is my observation:

1) He is disconnecting because he does not want to deal with her being sick and the emotional strain and fear of loosing someone he loves.

2) He is feeling extra emotionally vunerable. He is sure she is going to die. I wonder how that makes him feel?

Either way, I still have my guard up. I am very sorry his wife is sick. I told him I would help find alternative treatments for what is ailing her. Every time we have talked ....I always ask about her. Right now the important responsibilities are to his son and wife and this has not changed for me ...or will regardless if she has cancer or not.

Does this change the situation any— Am I doing the right thing to help him find ways to support his wife? I would want that for me if I was sick with cancer. That is what I think anyway.

PD

Does this change the situation any— Am I doing the right thing to help him find ways to support his wife? I would want that for me if I was sick with cancer. That is what I think anyway.

Why are you helping him? Are you serious? I am not putting you down but are you desperate for male attention? Are you that gullible?

Wish him luck and get on with your life (If you have one and if you don't then please get one). Some men will say anything to get some ass, now I'm not saying he's lying by no means but I know men that have faked and fronted on being ill or having a ill family member which I deem the worse way thing a person can do but to each his own....

IMO there is no way you can prove or disprove his story, I have known men to embellish stories, make them bigger than life only to find out later it wasn't all that serious. He got some good pick up game though, he felt like a heel for being inappropriate with you so now he has to cover it all up with a sad sad story that most women would eat up and let there guards down, inevitably it's still about him getting what he wants. Now your no longer focused on the fact that he's a loser potential cheater, now your focused on his ill wife *rolls eyes* oh brother give me a break

Wish his wife well and move on. I'm sure she has a doctor/s that are doing their best to keep her informed and medicated, I'm sure if you saw her she wouldn't even look ill, I'm sure if she knew her husband was sharing her health issues with a woman she isn't familiar with she would be highly pissed off. Leave the married man alone unless you want to risk being called a homewrecker.

Oh to be so callous.

Do you even like this guy? I seem to ask that a lot on these boards. You say you COULD like him. What does that mean?

If a capricorn man is reaching out to you, emotionally it's a big deal. Sure, he might be trying to get laid, he can't help that you're hot. It could be some escapism as to avoid the morbid situation at home. At any rate, you have a choice and a say in the matter and by you not utilizing any of these two things, you are leaving everything up to him.

Wow Tiki33 settle down..... I don't know why I have to halt all connection with this man and I don't understand why this has to appear desperate to you. We have been friends for over four years now. It just makes things complex when he puts the attraction out there. As for desperate darling ....hardly. I don't have a hard time in the dating world. My rule of thumb is I don't date attacched men. I just genuinely appreciate good friendships and have genuine care for him. Four year friendships are not something you flush down the drain because the dynamics kind of change.

Warholian "Do you even like this guy? I seem to ask that a lot on these boards. You say you COULD like him. What does that mean?"

To answer your questions.....of course I like this guy. We get along smashingly well and always have a million things to talk about. We have been freinds for over four years. We were so close where our fellow colleagues thought we were having an affair, just because we used to spend a lot of time together going to lunch, and company activities. We no longer work together but have maintained a good friendship of email, phone conversations, and lunch or dinner from time to time. It is completely innocent. I could like him romantically, but I don't date the whole attached man thing. If he were single than yes, I think I would date him in a second, but him being attached is not attractive to me. I really do have respect for his committment. As I mentioned in my post, I don't want to be the third wheel or the constellation prize so to speak. I gotta be the prize with my man. ;P

I am currently dating / shagging an Aries man who is funny and fun....but it is nothing serious. We are just have fun together ....so no ....I am not desperate nor do I need to chase married men, I just genuinely care about him in friendship as I do with my close friends.

If his schedule permits we are going to have lunch tomorrow. I will have to see how the interaction goes.

Cappygolightly - "If you feel you won't end up on the carpet shagging then by all means support him. If you feel that you cannot resist temptation then maintain contact but not physical contact...." I totally agree with this statement. By all means I will support him in trying to keep his wife well. It is a sad time. I guess in this post I was just thinking out loud ....just trying to make sense of this attraction.

PD

Satori - "Act as if she is always there with you to keep things respectful. If he can't do that, I would stop talking to him. That is not fair to his wife or to you, regardless of his desires."

This is FABULOUS advice. I am going to take this one and apply.

Thank you!!

PD

Friends for 4 yrs that get along smashingly... have you met his wife?

Posted by CreepyPants
Friends for 4 yrs that get along smashingly... have you met his wife?

No ....it is weird ...for all our company activities she would never attend. He used to get so disappointed because she would never come with him. i.e. Christmas parties, parades, company picnics, company socials, etc.. From what I gather from him their relationship it is very divided. Even before she got sick he would say how his relationship was very "vanilla". He says they never fight, which I find amazing. I thought all relations fought. lol I would totally enjoy meeting her. I have met his son.

I don't know much about his wife other than what he tells me. He says she had a very rough childhood ....than again ...so many of have. *sigh*

PD

men don't appreciate being friend zoned by a woman that is why he's ATTEMPTING to get out of the friend zone by revealing his true intentions which is sex so I'm not sure what planet your on but it's clear he's over stepped his boundaries and has ulterior motives other than friendship which means he's never been your friend for the exception of wanting to get into your panties. I know I seem snippy, I'm bias I guess, I am not married but if I were I would not take kindly to my husband maintaining some kind of liaison/friendship on the side with a woman for 4 years.

Excuse me if I seem judgmental but it is a huge peeve of mine when women behave this way with married men, the whole friendship thing is crap to me..You can't tell me if you were married that you would appreciate NOT KNOWING your husband has this thing going on with sexual undertones? I don't know one woman that wouldn't be bothered by this. This is one issue that I can't seem to not be emotional about instead of objective, I just feel it's wrong PERIOD for women to carry on with married men.

lol.

sex comes into it when he revealed his true intentions, he only revealed the cancer story when his advances were rejected, this isn't science, it doesn't take a genuis to see he was saving himself as to distract her, she doesn't know his wife, hasn't talked to her and I'm sure his wife would be horrified to know her husband has been secretly semi-dating this woman, keep in contact for 4 years, he has been accused from his co-workers of having an affair with her in the past, as I said, I just don't appreciate this kind of behavior from women that are single, I am not going to be nice about this issue so maybe I should stay away from it.

PiscesDream, don't ever share stuff like that or you will get condemned on here for it; I was.

Once your heart gets in it; you don't see the truth regardless how much you fight it. The emotional connection is way deep. I am judgemental when it comes to this crap and yet I found myself in it. Update to my story is this: his wife found our texts. Turns out she didn't want him and I have it all in an email but she changed her mind. Basically he was a flirt and she thought he needed to get it out of his system; the sex that she didn't want to give him but she later changed her mind. He told me when this happened he had already fallen for me and didn't want me to stop talking to him. Mind you, I never slept with him....as hard as that was.

The saddest part of it all.......his wife is pregnant now.

So my heart got screwed and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Cap men are not worth a shit no matter what people tell you. My Dad is a Cap too. They are awesome people but you will never know who they deep down are. Your best bet is don't put yourself in that situation at all because you can develop feelings that you can't fight. I've never experienced such pain.

What if I slept with him and then this? Run girl....emotional relationships to me; are the deepest and the sex to me; would have been even deeper. More painful to leave alone.

So now I'm trying to figure out how to deal........I work with him too.

Posted by Pisces_Dream

Posted by CreepyPants
Friends for 4 yrs that get along smashingly... have you met his wife?

No ....it is weird ...for all our company activities she would never attend. He used to get so disappointed because she would never come with him. i.e. Christmas parties, parades, company picnics, company socials, etc.. From what I gather from him their relationship it is very divided. Even before she got sick he would say how his relationship was very "vanilla". He says they never fight, which I find amazing. I thought all relations fought. lol I would totally enjoy meeting her. I have met his son.

I don't know much about his wife other than what he tells me. He says she had a very rough childhood ....than again ...so many of have. *sigh*

PD

click to expand

PD, I have a question.

Are slightly, maybe just a little attracted to your capricorn guy friend?

If you are, its not a bad thing. Attraction happens regardless of the situation but I would like to know so I can give my opinion.

CS - To answer your question ......it is complicated. On an emotional level and intellectual level, yes I could be attracted to him. He is not a bad looking man, but honestly I really only see him as a friend. When I think of my ideal man; he is fit, into health and wellness, kind of a health freak who likes organic food, travel, AVAILABLE *sigh*, he definately has the emotionally intelligence that I really like in a man. I love the urban metro man, he is more small town kind of man. If I look at things on the surface, we don't have the exact same interest. When I was married to my ex-husband ....wonderful man but we did not have common interest on the same line. To be honest the most unattractive part of him is he is married. I could maybe work around the rest if he was available, but that is not even an option. I would almost compare his ideology more to my ex-husband ...very simple man, intellecutal, loves the simple life, not a real health nut, likes to approach life cheaply (i.e. not seeing REAL value in things - example: He is in his car almost 80% of the time for work. I suggested he invest in sirus because he complains about listening to the same old thing on the raido. He won't do it because of cost.) See I have a problem with this because for me it is all about the quality of my life (i.e. I spend a lot of money on health supplements, good organic foods, because quality of life is so important to me. I invest into my work life by having a readily available gym to support my health and really my occupation) I told him that I will never discount my life when it comes to what brings value to my life and what makes me happy. I know sounds strange to get hung up on such things ...but I cannot even think about dating someone who does not see value in their quality of life.

I am begining to weigh into what Tiki33 is saying. I am almost becoming uncomfortable with the situation. I DEFINATELY don't want to get myself mixed up in the middle of this dilema. I love what Cappygolightly said about when you are with him imagine his wife was with him. It almost seems like he is staying married to his wife out of guilt, and that is sad to me. If I put myself in his wife's shoes, it would devistate me to no end that he would be fancying someone else .....especially when she needs his support the most. That really disheartens me. I actually cancelled lunch with him on Friday as I weigh into how I feel about all this.


P

AC - I am sorry to hear about your situation. That is EXACTLY why I am working hard to stay clear of the situation. To be honest, I am really starting to get myself in a really good place, the most healthy state of mind and body I have ever been. I don't want to get myself hung up on unnecessary drama. I can be his friend an emotional support, but I don't think I can get myself emotionally involved in a romantic relationship.

PD

pd-do what u want to do-u r a grown woman..life and love is not black n white all the time..as long as u know u have to be responsible for your actions.good luck

***love is not black n white all the time

So true.

Okay, I had lunch with Capricorn this week. I took your advice cappygolightly. I imagined his wife there. I brought up his wife several times and kept her at the focus of our conversation. I asked how she was doing and gave him some of the newest information I have learned. I also told him about how I fancied one of my teachers and it would be interesting to see how it pans out after our class is over. I of course am not even sure about the teacher but it made him aware that I had other interest. I could see his eyes get kind of teary ....and the disappointment was written all over his face. Honestly, I don't know what he expects. He backed off a lot after that lunch meeting. I had not heard boo from him via text message or phone calls. A few days later I got a message from him, and I think he is clear now about the boundary. My intention is not to break his heart ....but for him to respect my views on his committments. I am not about to get entangled in a love triangle because he is lonely, and emotionally low. I can continue to give him emotional support but it can never cross that line for me. I am firm about this. I hope we can remain friends. I really do value his friendship and care about him as a friend. If he cannot continue to be my friend than I guess that will have to be his decision.

PD

****him aware that I had other interest. I could see his eyes get kind of teary ....and the disappointment was written all over his face.

That's where the emotional part gets really hard and heavy. I know exactly what your talking about. It's tough. But it'll only get tougher; trust me. I found myself for the first time ever falling for someone taken and it's painful and you get nothing but a low feeling from it. Don't take leftovers.

Emotional connections are powerful and deep. I've posted a question in the past about emotional affairs cause that's all I've experienced and I got a lashing on here for it. It's real and it's powerful altho I've never let it get physical. I can give you advice on the outcome but truthfully you don't pick who your heart falls for; thats the scary part.

Guess that's why the bible says to "guard your heart".

Emotional connections are powerful and deep. I've posted a question in the past about emotional affair cause that's what I'm experiencing now and I got called a home wrecker on here for it. It's real and it's powerful altho I've never let it get physical. Altho I had emails from her stating she didn't want him anymore but she has changed her mind; she is pregnant...ha Imagine that? I can give you advice on the outcome but truthfully you don't pick who your heart falls for; thats the scary part.

Guess that's why the bible says to "guard your heart".

One last thing.....just don't put yourself in that situation to begin with. I didn't for the first year and fell anyway and it keeps getting deeper the more I fight it...I date alot and yet he's the one on my mind.

AC - Interesting because I don't feel like I am having an emotional affair with him. I just don't feel the same about him. The whole married thing just puts a HUGE wall that I cannot see anyything beyond friendship. My personal opinion he is feeling emotionally lonely, vulnerable, and maybe even a little scared ......and horny. I am his friend who gives him sincere care and attention that he probably does not get anywhere else. I just am not going to put out for him and cross that boundary. I do have a conscienous. I believe in karma baby .....I don't want that kind of karma hanging on my door. I already have enough karma to contend with. Men who get married should honor their wives and their committments. I would want that if I was married.

PD

Well I had the talk with Capricorn and I was very upfront and explained why the boundary of our friendship is important. He totally respected that and it feels good to have it all out in the open. It feels like this huge let down of sigh of relief.

He said he knows he made the choice to stay with his wife and for the whole 19 years he has never cheated on her. He says it makes it difficult because he mostly stays with her because of his son. He said it is hard because they don't even sleep together and they have become more like roommates than partners.

Well on that note I am glad I could totally be open with him and not dance around the subject. I jsut hate that. .

PD

Good for you PD, being there only to support as that's what he needs right now. Although he is confusing it with more it's probably because he is going through sooo much watching a loved one die.

My friends marriage was at breaking point when she was told her cancer had come back and she was terminal...it's a hell of a road for the surviver/partner and seems never ending as they stuggle every minute with meds, depression, pain, moods, overeating, Starvation, loss of consciousness all from the different medications they take and the effects it has on them. They just get use to one type of medication and then it gets changed bringing about a whole lot of new complications. When his wife finally did pass, he would've given anything to have had her back!!!

Support where you can but always keep at arms length...he is and will go through alot emotionally.

Thanks SH!! Yeah I believe in karma and I do have a conscious.

PD