How to have a FWB relationship with a Capricorn M

Hi everyone (warning this is long, and not your typical Capricorn man question)!

4 months ago I met a Capricorn man for NSA anonymous casual encounters. I didn't want to go all the way but he was persistent, and I decided to try it for the first time. I was very clear that if we started a sexual relationship it would have to be anonymous, and I wouldn't be able to meet any of his friends/family for a couple of years. I have some personal complicated things going on that I can't share with him. I also let him know that I have no idea what will happen in two years, and I can't promise we'll be in a real relationship then.

Two weeks into it though, he told me he has fallen in love with me and he has never been in love before. He said he's ready to get engaged and asked for my ring size. He tried numerous times to "friend bomb"/"family bomb" me when we were out. He says I'm his "dreamgirl", and he "only gets one of you in my life".

I told him I was not in a place to be in a relationship for personal reasons. Basically I'm not ready because I might move away, be patient, and there's something else that's personal I can't share yet. I know it sounds shady but I was very clear in the beginning about this. He

We were hot and heavy and spent all our free time together until Christmas when he went away to visit family/daughter. He lied about having a daughter to me, but I know. So in my mind we are even.

During his time there I also went on vacation. He wanted to know where and with whom. I didn't tell him. He wasn't happy.

When he came back though, we spent 2 days together, and though it was still hot and heavy. I could tell he was hurt and mad. At one point I asked him if he would move away one day, he said he might. I said "well I would visit you". He looked at me and said "I'm going to whip you with a leash and drag you with me". He seems to get mad when I talk about our futures separately.

Afterward those two nights he didn't contact me (he usually does right after I leave), until I contacted him 3.5 days later. He said he was disappointed that I didn't contact him, and said he's irrelevant to me, but told me he loves me twice. I never say it back, but I do let him know I like him and care about him, but it's still awkward.

It's his birthday this weekend and he told me he doesn't have plans, I let him know he has first dibs if he wants to hang out though my friends are trying to make plans with me. He has not responded for a day.

I am starting to get really annoyed with his disappearing acts (twice now), and distant behaviour, and will tell him so when/if he replies.

Does he show that he loves me? Not really...? and he often says that he won't treat me like a GF until I am actually his GF. However the GF experience is what I'm looking for, and he would get the BF experience from me when we're alone together.

I'm not really sure what to do at this point or what I'm really asking, but I want to continue having a casual fun anonymous relationship with him. I thought that was the deal, and we both understood it.

Why is he acting all distant now? Was he playing me all along? What is the deal?

Any advice is appreciated. Please real responses only. Thanks.

Him

Zodiac in degrees 0.00 Placidus Orb:0
Sun Capricorn 28.11 Ascendant Libra 11.34
Moon Pisces 2.48 II Scorpio 8.43
Mercury Capricorn 10.26 III Sagittarius 9.40
Venus Pisces 3.07 IV Capricorn 13.13
Mars Aries 15.14 V Aquarius 16.21
Jupiter Sagittarius 26.17 VI Pisces 16.12
Saturn Taurus 29.43 R VII Aries 11.34
Uranus Libra 18.18 VIII Taurus 8.43
Neptune Sagittarius 4.38 IX Gemini 9.40
Pluto Libra 1.59 R Midheaven Cancer 13.13
Lilith Libra 25.59 XI Leo 16.21
Asc node Aquarius 5.15 XII Virgo 16.12

Me

Zodiac in degrees 0.00 Placidus Orb:0
Sun Sagittarius 3.01 Ascendant Aquarius 23.41
Moon Leo 12.06 II Aries 19.59
Mercury Sagittarius 17.29 III Taurus 22.17
Venus Libra 17.43 IV Gemini 13.44
Mars Libra 4.22 V Cancer 2.09
Jupiter Sagittarius 17.45 VI Cancer 22.25
Saturn Scorpio 10.17 VII Leo 23.41
Uranus Sagittarius 8.59 VIII Libra 19.59
Neptune Sagittarius 28.01 IX Scorpio 22.17
Pluto Scorpio 0.46 Midheaven Sagittarius 13.44
Lilith Aquarius 28.14 XI Capricorn 2.09
Asc node Gemini 15.49 XII Capricorn 22.25

Sounds like he fell head over heels for you and is hurt that you're not right there with him.

Sounds like he's working an angle. I have an iffy feeling about this.

Posted by SagittariusGirl383
We were hot and heavy and spent all our free time together until Christmas when he went away to visit family/daughter. He lied about having a daughter to me, but I know. So in my mind we are even.
[...]
It's his birthday this weekend and he told me he doesn't have plans, I let him know he has first dibs if he wants to hang out though my friends are trying to make plans with me. He has not responded for a day.

It's nice to have first dibs but what he is probably expecting is for you to do something for him. Show him that you care. He has the feeling that you don't care...
Truth be told, it's a very immature way of dealing with things on his end. He's basically nagging you to do what he wants and you really like the strong wording that can come from his mouth so you let him.

Posted by SagittariusGirl383

I'm not really sure what to do at this point or what I'm really asking, but I want to continue having a casual fun anonymous relationship with him. I thought that was the deal, and we both understood it.

Why is he acting all distant now? Was he playing me all along? What is the deal?

click to expand

Feelings change and that is always the biggest risk of a FWB relationship. His feelings changed, you didn't cut it off right then and there so he let it grow bigger in his mind.
It sucks but it happens. Kiss on the cheeks and move on.
If you can't do that you care more for him than you might want to admit.

But you uncertainty about what you are asking isn't helping either. Though I get it.
I might be going away soon as well and the fledgling relationship that I have right now is very uncertain, especially in MY mind, as long as I don't know if I will still be here in a months time.

Thanks ladies for the responses so far.

BeckaMitchell: He had 4 days off from work and I didn't contact him until the night before he had to go back to work to hang out. I was busy and got a promotion. I asked if he was mad and he said "just disappointed", "all good". I asked him if he was not happy with this, he said "all good" and "ideally what works best for you". Although he is saying these things, it's pretty clear from his distance that he's not happy. Should I just tell him that I'll leave him alone?

Damnata: He's always told me he's working some angle on me behind the scenes. Hence the friend/family bombing. I said to him "..you know..you never actually listen to me" (ie. I never wanted to have sex with him in the first place, and told him if we did I wouldn't be able to continue seeing him). He tried over and over again anyway. I think that's a huge red flag.

When I said that his response was "if I listened to you we would never get anywhere".

Can you please expand on the iffy feeling you're getting?

I don't know. Obviously I am judging based on your description so I can't be sure but him hiding his daughter from you, after proclaiming love does not come across as ok to me.

Him not respecting your wishes, blowing hot and cold and saying this :"I'm going to whip you with a leash and drag you with me"...even if he said it in jest seems really controlling to me.

I just don't get the rush all of a sudden. If he was a girl and you'd be a man I'd even consider her to be a gold digger.

Something doesn't add up.

Thank you for your responses.

Truth be told, I'm probably going to walk very soon. This kind of drama was never what I wanted, and it's mentally draining. How can I end this with him on a positive note?

TigerCap: I think you may be right. He probably needs more demonstration and reassurance from me but doesn't know how to ask for it. If he asked for something and it wasn't unreasonable, I would do it. If nothing else, I do care about him.

Damnata: You are right, he is quite a selfish person IMO. His daughter lives in another country with his ex wife. I think he hid his daughter from me because he's an absentee father... I suspect he abandoned her/them. He told me they divorced because his ex (from Japan), wasn't adapting to life in Canada. She wanted to move home and asked him to go with her. He refused, and he commented that she was surprised. I'm not, considering how his daughter must have been just a baby at the time.

Hmm...he did mention that his ex-wife is finally getting remarried, and that he's happy for her. Maybe that's the rush to get engaged to me to show her?

I would like to test him to see if he is using me for something... how can I do this?

Your confusing... You want only a FWB and anonymous yet you're acting like a gf when he goes all hot and cold on you and doesn't contact you?? You want to be treated like a gf and will treat him like your bf but only behind closed doors—

Make up your mind, act like a FWB if that's what you want but as you're not his gf. You have no right to question the way he is feeling because he's on a roller coaster which you are driving!

I'm confused. You ONLY want an FWB, so why do you care that he has "disappeared" on you? If it was only FWB, you wouldn't give a shit. So obviously, you like him more than you're letting on and the "first dibs" sounds like either a game or a bitchy thing to say. He likes you so plan something for him, it's his birthday afterall.

He said I love you after only TWO weeks? Yes, he has an Aries mars, but COME ON!!! He doesn't know you well enough to be in love with you. Red Flag!!! Red Flag!!! Danger Will Robinson!

He sounds controlling and like Damata said, something here is iffy. So he would "beat you with a leash and drag you with him"? He might have abusive tendencies.

In fact, it smells rather fishy to me.

Run! Run as fast as you can!!!

"However the GF experience is what I'm looking for,"

You're not going to get this from a man you meet on casual encounters. Isn't that a "for sex" website?

Posted by sweethearts
Your confusing... You want only a FWB and anonymous yet you're acting like a gf when he goes all hot and cold on you and doesn't contact you?? You want to be treated like a gf and will treat him like your bf but only behind closed doors—

Make up your mind, act like a FWB if that's what you want but as you're not his gf. You have no right to question the way he is feeling because he's on a roller coaster which you are driving!

This ^^^^^^^^^^

huhhhhh— what's the issue here? i don't see an issue here... you said you want something anonymous and casual. and fun. key word anonymous. so really you shouldn't be having any knowledge of his personal life or care for it for that matter. he said he loves you after 2 weeks? no, the answer is no. this whole thing is one big no.

i think you're torn between having a relationship with someone vs. having casual fun. you say you have some issues hindering you from getting into a relationship at the moment. suggestion: work on your own issues first because clearly your confusion about this capricorn man you met on a NSA casual sex encounters website is an indicator you're not ready for even something like that.

cheers!

And ladies, I must say y'all rush to judgment awfully quickly. I've read it here a lot.

A guy says some caveman type thing (i.e. "Whip you with a leash, and drag you with me), and some of your first thoughts are ... "He's controlling, or possibly abusive".


Uhhh, no. I mean there's a chance I suppose, but that's painting with a BROAD brush, reading a lot into an off the cuff comment, and I promise it won't do you any favors thinking that way.

"I never wanted to have sex with him in the first place"

WFT— Then you shouldn't have done it. YOU are in control of your body. NOT HIM.

Geesh!

There is something off in this thread, but I can't just quite put my finger on it.

Posted by CapTenn
And ladies, I must say y'all rush to judgment awfully quickly. I've read it here a lot.

A guy says some caveman type thing (i.e. "Whip you with a leash, and drag you with me), and some of your first thoughts are ... "He's controlling, or possibly abusive".


Uhhh, no. I mean there's a chance I suppose, but that's painting with a BROAD brush, reading a lot into an off the cuff comment, and I promise it won't do you any favors thinking that way.

no my first thought would be, HOW SEXIST OF HIM, THAT MALE PIG. and then tie him up with my bra and tickle him with my armpit hair while reading some passages from Mary Wollstonecraft.

Posted by CapTenn
And ladies, I must say y'all rush to judgment awfully quickly. I've read it here a lot.

A guy says some caveman type thing (i.e. "Whip you with a leash, and drag you with me), and some of your first thoughts are ... "He's controlling, or possibly abusive".


Uhhh, no. I mean there's a chance I suppose, but that's painting with a BROAD brush, reading a lot into an off the cuff comment, and I promise it won't do you any favors thinking that way.

It's not just that. There's a whole lot more that led me to form that opinion.

They both sound like fruitcakes to me.

Posted by truecap

Posted by CapTenn
And ladies, I must say y'all rush to judgment awfully quickly. I've read it here a lot.

A guy says some caveman type thing (i.e. "Whip you with a leash, and drag you with me), and some of your first thoughts are ... "He's controlling, or possibly abusive".


Uhhh, no. I mean there's a chance I suppose, but that's painting with a BROAD brush, reading a lot into an off the cuff comment, and I promise it won't do you any favors thinking that way.

It's not just that. There's a whole lot more that led me to form that opinion.

They both sound like fruitcakes to me.

click to expand

Fruitcakes.....definitely agree there. 🙂

Thanks for all your responses. Even the fruitcake one lol. I warned you that this was a tough one, nothing is set in stone. And it's like a role reversal..I'm the M and he's the F (not to put too fine a point on it).

Anyway, I have no plans to have kids, and because of that I don't see relationships as others might.
I may get married one day but only if I find the right person, and after a long dating period, living together, traveling etc. Just as a side note, I've been in a relationship for 15 years before, and am well aware of what it takes to make something work with another person. Hence my cautiousness and hesitation to jump into anything, especially something like this!

...Isn't one definition of FWB no strings? And Benefits is a loose term defined by both "friends"?
For me that means BF experience with no strings. My life is really busy and I'm career driven so I want to relax with one person I enjoy spending time with.

He just replied: Obviously if I had a choice I would like to send my Birthday with you...but I understand if your friends want to make plans. My friends are all asking me to go out and will probably drag me out the day before my birthday... I usually go with them to ___ (another city) every year, but I don't think I'll be doing that this year. Miss you.

Actually good point on the Mars in Aries in his chart. He looked into my wallet to find out who I am. Yikes huge red flag there too. Sigh~

CluelessCancer: Thanks for your reply. He is actually on the cusp of Cap and Aquarius (on the Cap side). He's tall and looks striking (very unconventional). Last month headhunters for a modeling agency stopped him on the street.

Stillwater: Thanks for your response. It's what we had before the holidays - getting to know each other (open communication and conversation), spending some free time together at his place, sex, stress-free in general, and playful texts here and there.

I really don't think it's asking too much as I'm not expecting him to buy me things, or plan for our future, or anything like that. I've only let him take me out 3 times since we met, and when he offers I usually say no.

Posted by truecap

There is something off in this thread, but I can't just quite put my finger on it.

"some personal complicated things going on that I can't share with him"

But can you share it with us?

P.s. Mars in Aries isn't all that bad. 😉
I'm thinking this is more due to his water moon and venus.

TigerCap: Thank you for your insight. I think you're right haha Pisces Moon and Venus... ~~~ What does that mean?

Ok. 1/2 of it is because there's a good chance I might move away. The other 1/2 is that I might get back together with my BF of 15 years.

P.S I hope your fledgling relationship works out too.

I just thought Aries is an impulsive trait, thus the "falling in love" fast could be the aries influence. I didn't mean it was a bad thing. I misread the venus, I thought it was capricorn instead of pisces. Yeah the water placements combined with the fire mars might make someone THINK they're in love and blur the line of infatuation vs love.

No offense to those with these placements, just a thought.

Truecap: Thank you for explaining the water placements. He has said that he's falling in love has made him "greedy for the first time". He's quite intuitive and thought I was married right off the bat because of the anon thing. He said if I was he would still be there and would want to be the one.
Last time we were together he said if we ended up as friends later on, it would be hard but he would "pretend to be your friend to see you". Lol, he's quite blunt now that I see it in writing.

To me he's a classic blend of Cap and Aquarius. Hardworking, ambitious, practical, can be cold, dry, and elitist (very picky and high standards about Everything). BUT he's unconventional in his looks, style , thoughts.

Note: I've mentioned over 10 times since day one that this could be infatuation or lust. He says he knows it's not because it's different (he's been with over 60 women), and gets pissed off when I say it now.

If anyone has any insight to how I should respond to his message, please share. I want to let him know that I don't like it when he disappears or goes distant. He really can tell me anything he wants or is feeling, and I won't judge him.

How does a Cap respond best to feedback?

He just replied: Obviously if I had a choice I would like to send my Birthday with you...but I understand if your friends want to make plans. My friends are all asking me to go out and will probably drag me out the day before my birthday... I usually go with them to ___ (another city) every year, but I don't think I'll be doing that this year. Miss you.

He is trying to protect himself by saying it's okay to do whatever on his birthday. However, it sounds like he really, really wants to spend his birthday with you, and will be hurt if you blow him off. If you care about him, spend his bloody birthday with him. Make plans to do something special. If you really don't care about him, let him go. He sounds smitten with you.

good luck with that

Posted by Damnata
Sounds like he's working an angle. I have an iffy feeling about this.

+1 Cosign

I guess how you should respond is tell him what you want to do. What would you rather do? Do that. It's your choice not his. He obviously wants to do something with you. You do what YOU want.

I have a problem with anyone who falls in love that fast. You can't know its love until you know that person inside and out. You have to know and witness and experience: the good; the bad; the ugly; the dark; the light; the happy; the sad; the down and out; the angry; the irritated; the gleeful; the disappointed; the injured; the vulnerable; the unshielded; the raw; the emotional; the whole person.
You have to know their weaknesses and faults and know you love them anyway. It takes TIME to get to know all that.
Anyone who says love before then is uttering BS.

BeckaMitchell: Thanks, I'll suggest something.

AquaPiscesCusp: Thanks 🙂

TaurusBull1977: What angle do you think he's working?

truecap: I agree with you there on falling in love too fast. It doesn't make sense to me. If I see him this weekend, I'll ask him about it.

Should I mention the awkwardness since he's been back or leave it be for now?

As always; Tell him what you see him do and how that makes you feel.

So no; "You're falling in love too fast" but a "You have been telling me you love me after just two weeks and I feel like you are going way too fast for what we set out to do in the first place. I do not want love right now since I do not know where I will be in a years time."

He will probably cry, plead and then go silent for a while to process everything. He will come back, or not and that is all the answer you should need.

Maybe even mention that you still hope to get back with your old husband of 15 years but maybe others can ring in on that.

Yeah, why are you hiding your old husband of 15 years? You want him to luvvvvv you in the moment (yummy sweet tenderness GF/BF behind doors), but not the responsibility of a GF (being considerate of his feelings/needs)? Your contract with him is confusing to me.

Not for nothing, he is working an an angle just like you are. Both of yous want the cake and eat it too. You want him to prove it through action and so does he. He has stopped the progress because you are putting the barricade in his way. You both know what each other want from each other but both are playing games.

Both Sag and Cap are very similar in many ways. Both of yous think that they are slicker than each other. Both want to win. Both tease for the other to want...

Your here looking for answer for his behavior. But your actions are creating his reactions. So the question really is..... Is he worth it—

Posted by SureShotCap
Not for nothing, he is working an an angle just like you are. Both of yous want the cake and eat it too. You want him to prove it through action and so does he. He has stopped the progress because you are putting the barricade in his way. You both know what each other want from each other but both are playing games.

Both Sag and Cap are very similar in many ways. Both of yous think that they are slicker than each other. Both want to win. Both tease for the other to want...

You're here looking for answer for his behavior. But your actions are creating his reactions. So the question really is..... Is he worth it—

This Cap has got a point

You are playing games. Caps will throw out the anchor as soon as they realize and sit and wait until you do something to hang yourself.
Don't try to outwait him. You will lose. Make the first move and be honest. No game plan, just go in and pour it out. That'll get him unsettled. 😆

Or don't of course. The easy way out.

But there is still something you are not telling us.
It just doesn't add up.

Posted by beckamitchell
Yeah, why are you hiding your old husband of 15 years? You want him to luvvvvv you in the moment (yummy sweet tenderness GF/BF behind doors), but not the responsibility of a GF (being considerate of his feelings/needs)? Your contract with him is confusing to me.

I received some flack earlier here for differentiating between FWB and fuckbuddies.
But I do believe we have a weird mix going on here that is part of this problem.

As a Friend (With Benefits or not) you need to care about his feelings too. Listen to each others stories and tell them to stop nagging whenever they are.

Fuckbuddies just give eachother a call whenever they feel the itch and don't have any other responsibility whatsoever outside of that. No need to share deep emotions or spend anything more than the basic time to get undressed, get it on, and get ready to go again.
Feeling sad? Tough break. How much time do you have for lunch tomorrow? Think you can fit me in?

Now you have the point!

TigerCap: I do care about his feelings, we are definitely FWB in my opinion.
There's nothing else I'm not telling.

Honestly, I really don't think this a bad deal for him (I've thought about what's fair, Libra Venus and Aries maybe?). No commitment, no responsibilities or expectations from me in exchange for no long term promises from me. We have awesome sex, texts here and there, with no stress. I thought that's the dream relationship for many men.?

Anyway, he texted and said: Yes there's been some distance but nothing major. I'm trying...and still "ok with it". Sure let's do whatever on Bday...happy to spend it with you.

I let him know that drama is not what I'm looking for, and to please tell me what is bothering him.

Regardless of what happens I'll try to make it a great Bday for him even if we say goodbye after this.

Btw, I am not nor was I ever married. My ex was a BF.