i think i made a mistake

my bf spent a blissful summer w a girl from another country 3 years ago. since then he's allowed a few relationships to falter because of his attachment to the feelings/experience felt during that summer. he had the opportunity to finally be with her, as she visited for a week and was willing to move for him. when she came he realized that he idealized her and that she wasn't "the one" as he had previously thought 3 years ago. because of the fear, and the later guilt, of moving her and then maybe the relationship not working out, he told her it wasn't going to work and sent her home.

he started dating me shortly after her visit and admitted to calling her once to see if there was anything there. he said after that call, he decided to work it out with me. however, i believe that since he doesn't have closure, he'll never open himself up fully, emotionally specifically, to another and i'll end up another failed relationship.

after bringing this up to him, he disclosed that he still cares for her and wonders "what if..." he thinks we have potential for the future and that he hoped that his feelings would grow so strong for me over time that he would just forget about her. after hearing this, i told him it doesn't work that way and to figure it out. i encouraged him to call her and to not just have a shallow conversation, like his previous call, but to talk about their relationship and feelings.

he agreed to it. we've talked numerous time since then and he mentioned in one of our conversations that he doesn't know what to do to "figure it out," he's afraid he might lose me over this, and that he wants to keep contact. i told him he had everything to gain and i had everything to lose. i feel like the underdog and that if she gives him the green light, it will be her that he chooses. he reassured me that i had reason to be hopeful and that he's not already decided.

should i keep contact? am i foolish to stay with him if it's me that he chooses?

bonita applebum you sound like a really sweet person and honestly your a bit too sweet maybe its the applebum I dunno *giggles* I hate to say this but he's playing games, he's not confused... don't believe the hype...most men know exactly what they want and how they want it, he's not being a 100% honest with you probably b/c he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

Stop all intimacy with this guy (if your being intimate) until he can tell you a definite answer on were he stands with you. Stop listening to his lies about this other woman, she's no mystery, he know what the woman is about and to still wonder what if, tells you he is in love with fantasies not the real person.

This is one of the things I was talking about when it comes to some men, they act so fragile and insecure of course a womans natural reaction is to nurture a man and this is the worse thing a woman can do.

This is a 3 year old love affair, let him have his fantasy and you go and date guys that want something tangible and realistic. Him being a afraid to lose you is a LIE, he's not afraid to lose you or he would have chosen YOU already, he is using this woman as a crutch to push you out because he doesn't have the decency nor the guts to say I have changed my mind about us, I don't feel that I want to go any further in this relationship with you so he's using the summer love thing as the 3rd dynamic distraction.

Get your power back! Ditch him and keep it moving, politely tell him no thanks, I have BETTER THINGS TO WAIT ON, I have a life, I thought you were the one but I CHANGED MY MIND and watch him come running to capture your love and heart again, stop sit'n around waiting for him to reject you, he's already done it...So now your going to let him cut your throat too?

Why are you WAITING for him! Your the prize! Who is he to string you out like that, you make him a better man, what he's doing isn't love, thats not caring, thats a SELFISH JERK to treat you like that. I personally would cut all contact with him, I wouldn't allow him to know anything about me or whats going on in my life, this will draw him back to you, nip his game in the bud, if you allow him to come around when he FEELS LIKE IT your rewarding his bad behavior by saying its okay to treat me like this.....its not okay

I'M the one that brought it up and pushed for this. he was reluctant, at first, but with my coaxing he agreed. if i swept this under the rug like he wanted to, i feel like i would have wasted my time. i would hate to reach a year+ with him only to realize that his heart/thoughts is still with her. he needs to confront it and deal with it.

he's been avoiding this issue because he's a p*ssy. (his words not mine!) so he decided that he's going to work on a relationship with me and use it as a means to forget her.

i agree, tiki, he's caught up in the fantasy of her which irritates me because i think it's so stupid and naive. it always made me wonder why he didn't allow himself to be in a relationship with her when he's been pining over her for years and then she flies all the way over with open arms wanting to be with him.

Even if you pushed the issue men don't do what they don't really wanna do ever, he obviously hoped you would let him go. You can sit still and wait it out its truly up to you but me personally would move on, I would leave the door open only if he's coming back to re-establish the relationship, as far as I'm concerned your torturing yourself by waiting on him to decide.

tiki33 said: "Get your power back! Ditch him and keep it moving, politely tell him no thanks, I have BETTER THINGS TO WAIT ON, I have a life, I thought you were the one but I CHANGED MY MIND and watch him come running to capture your love and heart again, stop sit'n around waiting for him to reject you, he's already done it...So now your going to let him cut your throat too?"

Aaahhhh, some great advice. I love Girl Power!!!!

Bonita,

I too think it's weird that he is letting this woman who "came running to him with open arms" go back to her country and is now wondering "what if". Definitely sounds like games he's playing, be it from low self-esteem or him being a "player". At any rate, you did the right thing by releasing him to pursue that. Now, you just gotta be stronger for yourself when it comes to his wishy-washying back to you before he figures it out. Although I'm not certain how he would be able to finally prove that he's over her to you, I agree with tiki that he needs to be done with her completely before you put your heart back on your sleeve.

Best,

MsA