neverending probs with cap man

ok, for anyone brave willing to take this on and tell me whats wrong with my cap man, here goes...backin nov i posted this:
"Know this cap man for a year, were a couple till June, when his mum got ill with cancer and subsequently died a couple of months later. His reaction was to cut me off stone cold, no explanation, no reason, nothing, even though i tried my hardest to spupport him. He changed his number, moved house etc so no way i could contact him. For three months i tried to get over him and get on with life...then last week he pops up out of the blue saying he was sorry and can we try again etc etc. i said i was v.hurt and not sure if i want to get back with him, but agreed to see him a couple of times to see how things went. So yesterdayhe suggested cinema tonight and he said what about around 5 or 6, i said yeh sounds good, expecting to speak to him at some point today to confirm an exact time and place to meet etc. I texted him this morning saying to please ring me when he wakes, so could sort out later etc. He rings me up at ten past 6 tonight saying hes round the corner and ready for cinema. i explain im not ready and he says why not. Thing is when we were together he used to cancel on me loads, im not going to spend time getting ready unless i know hes definately going to be there, and as had not spoken to him all day had had no confirmation. He says all this stuff about having no phone battery to ring me earlier etc, and i say sorry but i wasnt sure what was happeneing so didnt get ready. As he now expects me to rush to get ready (funny cause if i had gone on his 'between 5 and 6' suggestion as being the time to meet i could have been waiting over an hour for him already as he rings me at 6.10pm, yet hes not prepared to wait an hour now for me to get ready) or do it another day, i say another day now and explain why im in a bad mood. He gets in a stress, huffs, says bye and quickly hangs up!!! I just want him to be clear about times and make more of an effort if he wants me to give him another chance...or am i being silly expecting he confirms times etc with me? JJust dont want to be let down any more, hes let me down so much in the past. Thoughts, people??"

Shortly after I decided he wasnt putting anything into us getting back together and we lost touch again. This feb he got back in touch and we had a heart to heart over the phone where he told me for the first time he had been in love with me back then and hadnt stopped thinking about

me. But i was going travelling for a couple of months but he said he wanted to "discuss things with me when i got back" Shortly before i was due to return he contacted me and i asked him if he was seeing anyone or if he had been, and he answered NO to both. About a week after returning he asked if i was back yet and we met up one night. At mine his phone rings, he answers it and i can hear this girl on the other end, wittering on for about 15 mins! I think how rude that he is at mine talking to someone for this long, and also WHO ARE THEY? Right at that point my phone rings and he quickly just hangs up on this girl, obviously not wanting her to hear my voice! I get really angry at him and demand to know who she is, he says shes someone he met whilst i was away, who he has been seeing but wanted to tell me in person and he was going to break up with her. Stupidly i agree to see him on sat as long as hes broken up with her. Sat he lets me down for our date and i yell at him and say some really spiteful things ive never said to him before.,guess he pushed me over the edge(he later said noones ever said such things to him!) but i feel bad and text him sun/mon to say lets talk and we arrange to meet the following week. That weekedn my mate comes round mine and says she saw him out the mon i texted him to say sorry, at the cinema with another girl, holding hands!! When I ask him first he says he wasnt there (claiming later i asked him when he was sleepy and he couldnt think straight) and then that he had met up with her to talk about things and they had decided to be mates and were no longer together. i say didnt he tell her that on the phone the other day and he said yes but meeting up was to finalise things, i say why were u holding hands and he makes up some excuse that it was cold and he was leading her into the cinema. He told me in the 5 or so weeks theyd been seeing each other theyd only gone out afew times, though they had slept together three times he said. But he said she was more of a mate than a potential girlfriend and he met her cause she goes in his local and is friends with a male friend of his. Since then ive been over to his for the evening and discovered shes been there before too - when we first started dating we didnt sleep together for months and i didnt get invited to his house for at least two months, it seems shes accomplished all this in a matter of a few weeks! When asking him about ehr he says shes lovely but he didnt like her enough,

but he didnt like her enough, says she was like him in many ways whatever that means. Weve met up twice since then and he hasnt cancelled...hes supposed to be cooking me dinner tomor night for my bday, so it seems like hes making an effort. I got upset with him last sat night when we were out as i couldnt get through to him in the club and it was then he told me he loved me still and was still in love with me, but not to ask him to repeat it (i did at first as couldnt believe what i was hearing - he never says what he feels) as he said he doesnt like expressing his emotions. Still, hes still very vague about what hes doing or who hes with, and tomorrows plans were made to suit him, around his life, not to suit me. He also doesnt invite me out with his friends and i wanted a relationship where i could be included, especially if this girl is part of the group. he says hes just mates with her now, though hes never had female mates before he says it must be hes maturing now. But after lying to me about being out with her that time i cant help feeling jealous or paranoid about where he is or if hes out with her, even if its as part of a group of friends. Should i let myself go with him (i told him i loved him back - i still do, even after all this time) or wait and see...i dont know whther to trust that he has finished things with this girl as the moment i leave the country he started this up with her after proclaiming to love me even though we werent together he knew id be back (though he said he didnt know when) i dont know how i can find out if hes got anything with her still - hes very secretive, but then i feel like i shouldnt have to, its just hard to trust him again after all this. I cant help feeling jealous about her the more i allow myself to care for him. he also told me she had told her friends he was the only one who had ever made her come through penetrative sex! What a thing to tell me! Why would he say that, it just made me feel sick. I just dont know if this time will be different or if he will disappear on me again (i made him promise not to hurt me again, but what good is that?) or worse, cheat or lie to me. If a cap says they love you, does it mean they will be with only you? Should I give this a go and trust him, putting the past to rest or be wary—

it's so hard to dissolve a relationship after putting so much effort into it, but what is a relationship without trust? you deserve to be with someone who will treat you the way they would like to be treated - with love and respect. so he had a "fling" or what-have-you... i wouldn't count that against him as you weren't together, but the way he is treating you now, after telling you he loved you and was in love with you but didn't know how to express it, ...not right... the way he told you about his accomplishments in the bedroom with this girl is so disrespectful and mean, and one could only assume he is insecure. darling i know you may love him and while it's possible you two may work out later on, unless you are willing to communicate to him your needs and your wants out of a mature relationship then it won't...i think you should tell him your disappointment and confusion - i mean, what do you have to lose? he is clearly not treating you now the way you want to be treated.

did he hurt you in your relationship prior to his mother passing away? if not, it might be worth another go...perhaps he is just extremely confused. seriously though, if you cannot trust him it won't work. i wish you the best.

Sounds like a player. He's not acting like a Cap that's ready to make a committment. That girl was probably just a sex toy for him. Either way, the lies, vagueness about his schedule, standing you up is very disrespectful & untrustworthy. He doesn't deserve your loyalty. Love doesn't mean they only want to be with you, it depends on the person and how much they want to committ. As for the disappearing thing, he probably just wanted time to grieve alone and that's why he pushed you away. We like handling depressing moods alone & will withdraw. I do that when I'm sad but when it comes to a boyfriend, I won't cut them off without warning (it could be a late warning but I'll take at least 1 phone call). Cutting you off without any notice was disrespectful & odd since you were his girlfriend.

Yeh...what everyone said makes ALOT of sense...he does seem to be playing games a bit. I just feel paranoid all the time- his mate had a birthday party last night and i asked if i could go with him to it as i really wanted to meet his friends and it seemed like fun and he said there were no tickets left and no one else was bringing partners (but id like to be his 'friend' too, dont see why you cant bring whoever ur going out with long as ur not stuck together all night) - it was only in a small pub in our town, free bar etc so some tickets could be bought and i said i didnt mind buying one but again he said no tickets and there was no way it seemed whatsoever that he could get me in to this little pub party (i am the girl he supposedly loves and is dating!) - this i dont believe wholly as on his friends facebook profile there were ppl the day before leaving msges saying i cant come etc etc so surely there would have been room for me to go? I think maybe there is more to it, like ppl there he did not want me to run into(i know he went out with alot of girls through work and some would have been there) i know this girl he was seein would have been there as she's in his group, on thurs he was meant to be going to a theme park for the day out for another of his friends bdays but he couldn't go as too much work, when i saw the photos after posted on the net i saw the 5 ppl that had gone that day and one of them was this girl! So he's always going to be around her and this is the 3rd or 4th time he hasn't invited me out with his friends or to something where they will be. im wondering if he wants me to meet them at all or if hes leading two lives or something! He says hes gonna cook for me monday, but all i want is to see him more (2hrs this week is all ive seen him) and be invited out with him and his friends and not kept separate. Silly thing is im not jealous/paranoid/mad usually, i dont expect him to stay with me the whole night and im perfectly capable of engaging in conversations on my own, i just want to be included and made part of his world and this is proving difficult, and I spent the whole evening last night annoyingly wondering what he was getting up to at the party. He texted me at 9 that night asking what i was up to, i replied and asked how the party was going and he never replied! Why bother texting me in the first place if not gonna wait for a reply and then reply to me, maybe it was so i THOUGHT he was thinking about me? Very frustrating and i

don't know what to do! I just dont want to be made a fool of. Help!!!

bittertaurus - i did hurt him about a year ago shortly before he disappeared on me, we havent talked about it again this time, but basically he was messing me around and i was really upset, one night in a club i ignored him when i saw him and walked off with my male friend out of the club to get away. it looked very bad though and he told me his friends thought i had gone off with another man apparently and made him look really stupid. Do u think maybe thats why he is putting off inviting me to things with his friends, or do u think its more likely he has something to hide or someone he doesnt want me to run into?? Maybe he still hasnt told that girl hes seeing me now and is worried about her reaction or maybe he is still seeing her...either way its driving me crazy not knowing, but do i reveal my insecurities and admit my fears and how i felt about the party to him(ive acted like i was fine not being allowed to go) or act cool? he doesnt really open up to me so its hard admitting my fears to someone who potentially may be playing me around!

cappiebelle, he didnt hurt me as such before his mother passed away but he never was able to see me much blaming work, being ill etc. This time around ive discovered now i live in the same town as him he 'was' a bit of a player and has loads of exes or girls he dated once or twice everywhere, says hes very picky and has been on lots of dates but no one compared to me and thats why he wants us to try again...

cap angel - yes it was odd how he cut me off as i was supposed to be his g/f this is something i have never been able to understand!!

Scorpiogoat, what you said:

"MHO, I prefer guys who have genuine female friends. Guys who can only have sexual relationship with females do not respect female enough and IMO may have less ability to say No to any female's seduction." has really disturbed me as i feel it is very true!! He's almost 30 actually, not 18, saying something like what he did you would expect him to be younger i know, these men do they never grow up!??!!

what's the latest taurgirl? regarding the party...because of your past with him, i think he's labeled you "girlfriend" and therefore cannot invite you to a party with his friends as he might feel it would give you the wrong message...he may think he has to introduce you as such or pay more attention to you, etc. and he is clearly not wanting to do that. the texting you at 9 could be considered sweet but you need to get yourself involved in other things and people, i.e., you cannot possibly go to his friend's party because you have oh so much to do and already have plans. the minute you show him you have an interesting life full of marvelous things is when he'll miraculously come trotting back. it happens all the time, this game of cat of mouse. i'm not a fan of it, but there it is. get busy and find things to take your mind off of him. who knows? you might meet someone who isn't into games and makes it very clear that he wants you. letting go of something that is clearly not making you happy will allow for something else to come into your life.
best

Thanks cappiebelle that is excellent advice. Its funny with these men they mess with ur mind so much u end up thinking about them and your relationship way more than you should!! He got upset tooday because i hadnt put 'in relationship' on my myspace profile and said hes only been taking it slow because he thought that was what i wanted. So we will see how things go. But I've started today with a vow to keep my life busy and full and not allow myself to think about him so much! Then i think your right, maybe someone else who is better will come along in time! Thanks very much xx

oh those tricky magnetic capmen... good luck with him and let us know how it goes. keep yourself busy!
best