Ownership & Reflection

What brought this thread on was my former relationship with a cancer man -- the relationship ended two months ago after I finally got fed up. However, to say that I still didn't feel for him wouldn't been a lie.

Two weeks ago, I owned up to the fact that I truly missed the "image" of our very "false" relationship. The man he portrayed was the man that I really missed. However, I came to terms with the fact that I was missing an illusion. Haha, it took me two weeks to finally realize that I was missing something ... that never really existed.

Phew! That was a huge weight off my shoulders, I can't believe I was carrying all that inside for so long.

Have you ever felt a great deal for someone but it took you forever to own up to your feelings for him/her? Is it a difficult process to embrace what you feel while evolving as a person?

Generally, emotions make people feel defenseless, however emotions can also mak you feel powerful. After facing the facts about that cancer guy, I felt very defferent from that point on. I feel that understanding the hurt I fle tover him made me realize forced me look internally ... haha, after I did that, there was no going back. I can finally move on without thinking about him 😉

A lot of emotional ties to a relationship are based on the illusions created in the beginning. As time passes, you look back and miss this guy/girl who was this amazing person back when you were getting to know one another. Is it really the same person that is before you now that only physically resembles that person? Sometimes.

The real trick in a relationship is getting past that illusion and falling in love with a person w/out the illusion, warts and all. 😉 If all you were in love with was the illusion and not the actual person who is with you, then yes, it does allow you to move on.

That's why some would argue that the most beautiful part of any relationship is the beginning when everything appears flawless and both people revel in the idea of being with someone and possibly falling in love.

You are absoluately right LeoWithCap 🙂 I believe that the beginning should reveal all the flaws within a person. Sadly, this can only happen if you are friends first.

'When the fairy tale is over the love affair beginnigs' (I adore that quote). The two people just have to first get over that hump.

CappieSweetie~~ how did you manage to do this... get over him and wanting back the illusion? I am familiar w/ this concept... which is really that in the beginning you think this guy is emotionally available and wanting to build something, he's attentive and charming and sweet, but then it changes and he pulls back and is inconsistent in his affections and time spent w/ you... Is that what you're talking about? It's what I've read about in the books on commitmentphobic men and they say that you saw the best that he had to offer w/in that beginning stage and that's what gets you hooked and then you're hanging on for more but it never comes... You saw the best and most that he was able to give in those beginning weeks/months. They compare it to a play where you've seen Act 1 and are anticipating Acts 2 and 3 or whatever and you're left hanging and never get to see what happens.

Anyway- would love to stop lamenting over the illusion, and fall out of love w/ that illusion. 😢

Re-read what you wrote CS~ So, are you saying that owning up to your own hurt feelings left over from the failed relationship or false sense of relationship and illusion of who he was... that facing that hurt inside helped you accept the situation and get over it? This is making sense... Please tell me more. I need this help now more than ever.

Girls do all of the same stuffffffff... don't know bout purposes...? We all just enjoy being charming whether we like 'em or not... then there's the sex for men and some women... Time time time time time tells... blah!

I personally don't like the initial stages! Sure, they're nice but I struggle against developing any type of feelings because I'm soooo mistrustful and yes a little paranoid too LOL It's a good thing I believe, because as it turns out only the men who are for reals wait it out. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it, I just wave off any cute words or actions in my head... enjoy the moment, just don't think long-term.

I really do fall for the REAL person. The one who isn't trying to impress me but enjoys my company instead, the one who isn't complimenting me all the time but feels comfortable enough to text me that he just got a haircut or crushed his finger at work lol The one who doesn't invite me out to clubs or on trips often but invites to his family get-together instead... etc. etc. *sigh* lol

Some chics just need to learn to read between the lines... sweet words or displays of affection can mean absolutely nothing, it's the everyday stuff that is awesome. Then you learn to love a person and not an 'illusion'

Anyway, nothing beats being cautious with your heart and I cannot say this enough... TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME will tell. Never ever invest without scoping out the goods first annnnnnnd then keep in mind that others will always put themselves ahead of you, their needs, their feelings... why would he really care about you? As Branh said, men want sex. I think I'm off topic now lol

Point is, yes, let go of the illusion and instead of being dissappointed when he's no longer prince charming learn to appreciate... a lotta other stuff... I'm tired... who am I telling? Cappies are smart... *moves on to leo, libra, pisces board lol JK

LOL @ TC,

Morning girl 😉

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Branh, you know the game perfectly. Why do men do these things to women — It's not fair at all. If a person IS NOT a LTR (long term relationship) type then leave those who ARE ALONE for Pete's Sake.

OOOOOO GEEE WEZZZ, I have tons to say but I have to go and get ready for work 😢 I'll be back later -- and I will answer your question too capgirl.

No wait, that sounded boring. Let me not be so general. The initial stage which I'll name 'giggley period' is much fun, yes. But I personally like the 'official stage' a lot better. Maybe because I have a need to KNOW where we stand, how it works, I'd address rules too but to this day I still have not mustered up the courage to say "Ok, lets talk about the rules of our relationship" It'd be awesome, neat, nice and straiggggghhhht to the point! But I realize I'll probably come off as possessive later on so I try to minimize any negative impressions lol Talking n reading between the lines should do just fine 🙂

Anyway, I like the familiarity of 'official stage' How comfortable you get together, how much you know of each other, when you realize that their flaws are ok with you and even better when you realize that they've realized that you too have flaws and have accepted them too. Realize that it's ok to disagree and even argue a little because, wow, that huge fight didn't break you up and you ended up 'understanding' each other. When you realize that, thank god, they're not that sensitive lol But his smile still gives you that butterfliee feeling... sometimes... and you get happy when you see him nearing... sometimes... and when he calls ... most of the time... nevermind, you still do most of the same stuff... don't miss that initial stage...

I must be sleepy lol You were talking about the guys who just PUT ON a false character... duh! That just hit me LOL LOL LOL Oh yeah, screw them... (not in the good sense) LOL

Morning Cappy 🙂 Actually I'm about to go to bed, it's 2:36am here lol

Men do it because they're EVIL... evil I tell you!

Branh, interesting... give us the "more intelligent woman" supplement course?

So, are you saying that owning up to your own hurt feelings left over from the failed relationship or false sense of relationship and illusion of who he was... that facing that hurt inside helped you accept the situation and get over it?

Hey capgirl,

YES! That's exactly what I am saying 😉 Honestly, the feeling came out of no where :o It was almost like I finally killed a nagging parasite ^_^. When it was all said and done and the smoke was clear ... I felt free ......

It wasn't as if I still wanted to be with him (because I didn't), it was more of the feelings:

"I trusted this man, and he claimed to have trusted me, why did he betray me in such a way?"

"Why did he lie to me if he really didn't have to?"

"After being honest with him, what was the purpose that he told me everything I wanted to hear if he knew he didn't want commitment?"

"Why was he such a phony? Why did he pretend to be everything I wanted him to be?"

***At least with the other guys, I detected that they had "RAT" potential ***

I still had all the questions, and no matter what I really wanted to hear what he had to say ... not what others had to say. So just one day last week, I owned up to all of the above and the remaining feelings that were still there just ebbed. It felt rather odd but comforting.

True, I will still speak on him along with other past relatioships (**haha, I've only had one good so far **) but the left over feelings are just gone 🙂

I'm really happy for you, for achieving this state. 🙂 I'm going to work on trying that.

I really hate to believe that these guys intentionally set out and use the approach outlined by Branh. I know the "players" do. I am anxious to hear the "intelligent woman" twist to the method because I didn't outwardly fall for the illusion and crack open under the spell... It took a year into it before I let myself show him that I had fallen.

Yeah, Branh is a very worldly man indeed. Love him or hate him, Mr.B knows his stuff 😉

*** giggles *** I am definately a student so I have no problem with learning 😉 If what Branh states is indeed true ... then I'm glad I left that guy alone when I did.

The intelligent women method should be interesting too, wonder when he will put it up.

HEY!!! He didn't mension about owning up to any left over feelings of his .... darn that Mr.B, he evaded my original question 😢

OH Well, the methods are indeed makeup 😉

Gosh! I didn't know it was so late ... I just left work! Oh dear me 😢

Well, I'm off to class ... Chereio!!!!!

I agree with brahn on a lot of his views only because I have experienced them. While I reading it I was thinking back how I used to be like that. ( I have truly changed)I am no longer like that because I have reversed the game you might say.

Yea still meet the guy, tell your story, talk about your friends, who hurt you etc. you get all this undivided attention and we love it. He take you to dinner give you lots of hugs and kisses, don't try to sleep with you on the first night and we start tripping because he did'nt try anything and we start to think what is wrong with us, or maybe he don't like me or somthing to that nature and the man is walking way saying next time we meet I got her, I won't call her for 4 days and on the 5th day he calls and invites you to his house for dinner, it is sure shot that he will get some. ha ha ha

No one said the same game can't be played on the guy, and for real it is not a game it is just they way men are men have more of a hard time getting a women because when we meet a man we know right then whether we are going to sleep with him or not, but they have to do some foot work before, that what branh and I just describe is part of it.

Are we ladies strong enough to play this game and keep our feelings in tack, like the men do? No some of us aren't. Some ladies thank that if you sleep with a man you are in a relationship that is not so.

All I know is when I meet a guy I give him my number and refuse to take his that way, he has to do the calling, and I know not to expect a phone call for a couple of days to a week or so.

I have learned over the years that this process is really very easy once you get used to it.

I agree, with that also point well taken

I felt depressed after reading all this. Well there goes my bout of well being.

Hey sb, what's up 😉

Why are you depressed? I need to stop making threads if they're going to depress you 😢

But hey, impressionable women are always going to fall for fluff, flattery and bullshit. Be real about yourself, and you MAY just find a real man.

Hey Mr.B,

I agree with you totally ... I think I am finally starting to be honest with who I am. So I can really feel the diffrence 🙂

This is what strikes me. Women struggle to understand men in an attempt to be the perfect woman and make them happy. When a woman says that she 'understands' men, it means that she accepts him, more or less. BUT when a man says that he understands women, it means that he has learned the 'art' of getting what he wants from her. He KNOWS how to play a woman. It's the truth and it's sickening. The proof is all over the boards and branhs previous posts. Of course I'm being general but yup pretty much, that's how it goes. That's why we need to be cautious. The sad truth is that you can't trust a man, he has to earn it.

"I believe that the beginning should reveal all the flaws within a person. Sadly, this can only happen if you are friends first."

Now this statement does make a lot of sense but from my experience, you dont understand everything about a person even if u are friends with them for a long time..I guess its only in ur adversity that u get to understand the true nature of ur lover/best friends..

"on commitmentphobic men and they say that you saw the best that he had to offer w/in that beginning stage and that's what gets you hooked and then you're hanging on for more but it never comes... "

Very true.

Yes, in order to understand someone, you must first get to know them through friendship.

LOL!!!!! Using friendship is a sneaky way to get to know someone you are interested but hey, people do it. However, if I like you ... then I just like you. However, maybe my methods don't work as well ..... I think I am too honest with my intentions ^_^.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH US!

You seem to have thoughts about certain users on the board. I was wondering where they are coming from ?

You just seem to know things that we all don't know 🙂 Yes, I know what others may say but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt 😉

Well, Mr. US

I guess you refuse to answer me ... wonder if Branh is right about you (—?). That fact that you are full of it I mean 😉

Awwwwwwwwwwww shoot M Ldybg *** blushes excessively ***

Thank you 🙂 🙂 🙂

My new lesson as of lately is to to only embrace those relationships where someone really sees me. When someone sees you than they can embrace and support your growth as an individual.

Me too M Ldybg ... me too 🙂