parallel universe maybe ughh dreams le sigh

in real life my dad is dead. in waking life, i want him around so badly. i want to touch him again, i want him to hug me. basically, i miss him. duh. every now and then i have some amazing dreams about him. its very rare though. out of a few of those dreams, there was something different. something i dont know the words to explain, but dreams like us having very long detailed conversations and i dont know.. there have been some dreams ive had that i really feel like was more than just a fictional dream. its been a very long time since i dreamt of him.
i go through times where his absence is easier to deal with than other times. lately ive been extremely nostalgic and missing him alot. its the holidays and everything.
keep in mind i never lucid dream. ive tried plenty of times but i cannot seem to gain control over my dreams like how you can when lucid dreaming
so last night i dreamt that my dad was back. from the dead basically. he was lying in a bed in my home that i live in now. i was sooo glad to see him. he was a little weak. my mother has a pretty serious boyfriend now, and thats why my dad was lying in a different bed. he wasnt weak from any sickness but weak because he was new in his human body again. i spent alot of time by his bedside talking to him. throughout our conversations i would scream out "this isnt real i know im dreaming!" and he would tell me to hold on to what was happening. i asked him extremely logical questions in my dream because this dream had no sense of dreaminess to it. i asked him what he was doing back and he told me he didnt know. he said he didnt know how he got back here or where hed come from or why he was back. he also told me he didnt care. i kept telling him i knew i was dreaming (while i was telling him i knew i was dreaming i was like.. somehow conciously aware of where i actually was sleeping and that i was dreaming but here i am doing this too.)i was afraid to wake up. he told me that what was happening was real. i tried to hold on to it all for as long as i could but it eventually dissolved away and i woke up. i could feel what i felt, i smelled everything, and the dream was in color. all the right colors. the only thing that was a little strange was his hair was longer than id ever seen it since he was like a teenager. i mean i KNOW i was dreaming. i know it. but is it possible that i am beginning to unlock something that humans dont really understand? could i possibly make a habit of visiting my dad in drea

the thing is though, i dont want to kid myself with fantasy. i want to manifest somewhere, or something mainfest here. i want it to actually be my dad but not a fantasy. i mean my whole life has been a curse. ever since my birth terrible things have happened to me and my family. like tragedy after tragedy after tragedy. and my mother is insane, i dont understand my younger brother at all i mean he's so kind but hes 16 and yet seems 11, and i feel like ill never feel a sense of real freedom until my mother and her parents die. and thats terrible but its how i feel. so if my own mind is beginning to sabotage myself and torture me with a fake father in my dreams, i dont know. i just am tired of fiction. i feel a sense of resposibility to my family because my mother is the most incompetent lazy self centured spoiled bitch 12 yr old ive ever met, my brother looks at me as the mother, and im the only one with a job. my mother hasnt had a job since we were born, she never gave us our social security money, she spent it on herself, she spent the money my dad left us on herself, and now i cant afford school or anything. and her stupid boyfriend from match.com bought her a boob job tummy tuck lipo and tit lift AND took it upoin himself to be 'daddy' to my brother. i have dreams that my dad is angry. she lets him sleep in my dads bed. his death was totally unexpected- freak accident. to make it worse, her bf is like all of the bad qualities my dad had and none of the good. he's a creep and a perv and my moms only slept with one person her whole life, shes very easily manipulated, not to mention lonely. her dad is a preacher. she is not open minded. but she has morphed herself to be what this douche wants her to be.
totally ranting now to anon ppl on the internet. i must have lost my mind. whatever im not done. basically, i am starting to feel like maybe weve been cursed or something. or maybe im just insane and cant accept life for what it really is. peace, posters.

you should read up on astral projection.