Sorry, crossing a line and him having fun

Confusing title, I know but I wasn't sure what to put.
I'd like to logically understand what happened with him last night.

We talked all day, it was amazing and he told me to go see a movie that he went to see with friends and he couldn't wait to talk about it with me (Warm Bodies, very good!) and so I called a friend and I went and when I came home, I got on twitter (We're both on it) and saw he posted a bunch of videos of him doing sexy poses.
Now, my Gem flirt and talk to other girls, and I'm not in any way jealous. It's making him feel good, he's a free man, he's open about it and we talk about it often, it's no big deal. Because all he does is talk. They live far away, he's never met them.

But last night was a bit different. One of the girl he's talking to is a porn star. She's hot, and while I was away they decided to have this game on this iphone app where they post sexy videos and they had to "one up" each video. 1st video was them smiling, then porn star jiggled her butt, and he did the same with pants on. To the point where it got to her showing hip bones and him taking a video of him getting out of the shower and showing his hip bones in a very sexy way. Last video he posted, was him in his underwear, dancing in a funny way, and in the comments on each videos was the porn star saying things like: "omg you're turning me on!" or "lol omg you're so funny!!"

Sexy videos and photos is always something he did for me and me only until tonight.

So, I got home, and I asked him about it. He explained that it was just a silly One up game.
I explained to him that, I thought the getting out of the shower pics thing was something unique for us and that I didn't know he was doing it with someone else.

He instantly started feeling bad about it. Said he was sorry many many times, apologized for hurting me, didn't know it would hurt me. I think he said he was sorry 7 times.
And usually, for him saying he's sorry it has to be a big thing because normally, he's not the apologizing kind.
He ended up deleting the videos.
Something he also never does.

I explained to him that he crossed a line by sharing things unique to us with someone else. I told him something was broken between us, and he started going crazy. Like this whole thing pissed him off, like he knew he had done something bad.

He saw the tear in my eyes and after that I left, and he repeated how sorry he was again and again.

Does he really understand what he did wron

I also would like to understand the go crazy part. It's like he lost control of his emotions.

No, i'd imagine he doesn't understand what he did wrong, as you have already shown him that it is ok with you for him to flirt and chat with other females online regardless of you. you say he is a free man and if that is the case then he can't possibly cross any line with you. If you don't want him to be a free man and flirt with others then show him that you respect yourself enough to not have your boyfriend do this.

I agree that he didn't think he had done anything wrong. If you want boundaries, then set them. It's not fair to leave him guessing where your "line" is. Gems aren't great at figuring out boundaries to start with, so cut him a break.

Thank you very much for your answers Gems 🙂

About boundaries: It's something I didn't explain because of the character limits.
He had them.
Him talking and flirting with other girls is something I'm fine with in situations like, he goes to Starbucks, smiling and being flirty with the barista. Or with anyone he knows. Or twitter. Just not getting close with anyone else, and he knows it.
We made it clear. That's what I meant by him talking and flirting with other girls.

But the pics, he knew it was a line not to cross.
Because, when we started it, it was years ago and he always told me that I was the only one he was doing it with.
Even a month ago, before he started talking to this porn star on twitter, I told him and asked him: "You know I'm not doing this (the pics) with anyone else and the only reason I do that with you, it's because you don't do it with anyone else either" and he told me that I was the only one, that it was our thing.
Trust is VERY important to me, and he knows it.

Then, this girl started answering his tweets to him, and they added each other on facebook and it got flirty to the point she got turned on by him.
And him being his very sexual Gem, he loved it!

I feel like last night was kind of a situation where he started having so much fun he didn't realize what he was doing wrong and didn't know when to stop, and forgot I existed. To him, it was just an innocent game, no meaning. But to me, it was a break of the trust since he said the out of the shower pics were for me and me only.

Okay, well it's different if he knew what you expected of him and did it anyway. Here's the thing, though: he probably doesn't think of what he's doing as INHERENTLY wrong. He might know you don't like it, but might still feel there's no harm in it or that you're being silly. It may not do a lot of good to come at it from a "right/wrong" perspective. I think that what will work better is to let him know that even though he has the right to do what he's doing, that you find it very hurtful and disrespectful, and so to keep you there is a certain behavior that needs to happen. You may need to tell him multiple times. Remember not to call him "wrong" (he's not going to think he's wrong!)but just to let him know your feelings and personal preference.

I'm saying this because I can relate. I've gotten into terrible trouble with my husband because of my flirtiness (and I TRULY don't even realize I'm doing it) Inside, I really don't think I'm doing anything wrong, but I can certainly weigh all the options presented to me and realize that I need to put my marriage above my liberty to flirt.

Whimsy: I don't know if it's my Gemini ascendent but I flirt too and sometimes I don't even realize I do it. It's people around me telling me I act like a cat in heat, when in fact I'm just being friendly and doing cute mimics because.. It's what I do. No reason, I'm not necessarily attracted to the person I do it with.
So I absolutely understand what you're saying.

It' also because I understand him and flirting that I don't get mad when he does it in a non serious way.

Another situation came up tonight following the pics.

After the pictures and saying sorry, he acted like nothing happened (Him moving on quickly. We both love it. Must be my ascendent Gem)

Last night I told him I had a surprise for him. Something I have been preparing for a little while for us to get closer after he told me he's missing me and showed me this computer game we used to play together and how he wanted to get back into it. He was excited and seemed to look forward to seeing the surprise.
So tonight he came over and I showed him the surprise. I had prepared the game for us to play all night, and hangout and be closer.

He didn't seem happy. I asked him if he thought it was a lame surprise and he said a little bit. He then sat on the couch and started flipping through the channels like I wasn't there.

I asked him bluntly: Are you trying to push me away again, so much that I'll stop being like I am to you? And he said No.

So I took the road Whimsy suggested. Told him: I get that you don't wanna play with me tonight. It's your right to say no. I know I'm not as good as Alan (his best friend, they play together and they're both good at it and he told me it's frustrating to play with me sometimes) but I did this to get closer to you because of what you said to me, how you miss us and to play that game with me. But it's hurtful when I initiate something and you always push me away. Since you don't wanna play games with me full time because I'm not as good as Alan, I still thought we could have fun and use the game because we both love it. It's hurtful because you're turning me down and if you do it constantly, it's like you're saying "I really don't wanna hangout with you, and I'm pushing you away because I don't enjoy being around you". It's not just a game thing, it's about the personal side of it too.

He didn't say anything.
So I said: I'm gonna tell you something, tell me if I'm right.. And he asked me to stop.

And I know that when he say Stop! it means, stop talking or I'll get upset and I'm giving you a warning sign.

So I didn't say anything, went into my room and here I am writing this.

Now he's texting me trying to get my attention and talking a female friend of him. I'm ignoring him.

Posted by pssymonstaa


But what I want to know is, are you guys even together? Exclusive? Or what?
Or are you guys like two friends? Have you had sex? Kissed?
Like whats the status??

Because of him and his love for freedom, we don't call ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend.
But we act, and do everything like a couple. We talk everyday. Kiss, have sex, we trust each other with everything a married couple do.
We say "I love you!" we share everything. I'm the last person he talk to before bed, and the first one he say hi when he wake up.
We don't live together, but we hang out several times a week.
Unless he's tired, then he stays home but we talk anyway and text.
He learned a new language for me.

With you, he has all the comforts of a relationship, but is still a free man who doesn't even have to call you his girlfriend? That's a sweet deal for him. No wonder he gets upset when you try to add sensible restrictions or try to tighten your bond with him.

Anna, I don't care how freedom-loving Gems are- when we want someone, we claim them. And it's your right to expect girlfriend status, and the respect that should go along with it, without worrying that you are driving him away by inhibiting his freedom. A Gem who wants you, and who is ready to give you what you need, will stay.

He claimed me in a the beginning. In a possessive way too. Very early, he said things like: "You're my girlfriend. I'm going to marry you." every time I said something he liked. I pushed him away when he said it because to me if was like: Eh we barely know each other. I pushed him away because I'm a Cap (Ascendent Gem) and I'm cautious and he came in too strong. And because he hurt me in the past and wanted to make sure he was serious before I open my heart to him again. And then I realized it was his way of flirting. Like a, awww he's cute he thinks I'm girlfriend material.
After a while, he called me his gf and wife. Once we got official by being more than friends, saying I love you and acting like a couple. It was always like: Let's say I suggested we watch our favorite movie. He would say, you're my wife. You're perfect! And I would smile. Thinking I was his gf.

But then after a while, he started getting comfortable and he got distant. Pushed me away. Stopped being flirty, but kept calling me babe, love, dear. I asked him why he was doing it and it took him a long while for him to tell me he did it because he didn't deserve to be happy and he was a POS. Was depressed. Changed completely. When he pushed me away, I asked him: do you want to end what we have? And he kept saying no. Said he needed me, but wasn't sure how to be a good man. He kept saying how sorry he was about pushing me away. Repeated how much he loves me and care about me. I decided not to push him away and be understanding. And show him what real love is by being a home to him. And the sex was great, we kept everything that is couple like. But the flirting chasing part was over.
He opened up to me more. Shared things with me he never said to anyone. Like being sexually abused as a teen, gave me his bank into, gave me access to everything he have. He trusted me more than anyone that isn't a family member. I know all of his websites password. Facebook, twitter. Emails.
We started doing less things together. Like instead of shopping with me all the time, he went with his friends. To me, it was just his way of being comfortable in a relationship and being free to do anything knowing I'd be there.

Now last night: I'm not proud, but I logged his Facebook and found out he's been talking to another girl for two months. He's only known her for that short. While I've known him for years. They met in HS but didn't know each other very well. (PART TWO IN NEXT COMMENT)

And this girl was looking for roommates. She knows a friend of my Gem for years from high school and when he heard this girl was looking for a place to stay, he introduced her to my Gem see if they get along and it could work.
I read everything.
They used Facebook to talk because this girl doesn't have a phone. She's an end of May Gemini.
At first it's catching up. She mention her daughter, he mention his kids. They talk about music, and get to know what one another is into.
Then, my Gem started flirting the exact way he flirted with me. "OMG you're perfect. I wanna marry you."
(Actually laughed when I read it) and this girl pushed him away, but after a while she started saying how she dreamed of him in a very sexual way, and they started exchanging photos.
He said things like: Your body is perfect. I love your nipples." So I know what kinda photos it was.
They started saying things like: I can't wait to live with you. I can't wait to cuddle with you. I wanna kiss your perfect face.
And they were very flirty, talking about dating, talking about everything couples do.

--> They never met though. Never hooked up or anything. Only in high school years ago, but not since they've been talking. Because she's from another state that is very far.
They planned to meet to be together once she travelled to Washington and they all moved in together. Gem, this girl and the mutual friend.

He never mentioned me either. Not once. Not ever. Just when he said he was learning French and had a female to practice with (aka me)

Now it seem to be over, because he said something innocent, called her something she didn't like. (Bitch) and she got furious. Said: you don't use that work when talking to your gf! And he did it innocently. That's his kind of humor. Like when you insult a friend.
But she don't wanna hear it.
They ended up saying: thanks for wasting my time. Have a nice life. Arguing.
They didn't talk for a week and last night my Gem messed her saying he's missing her. She got mad, pushed him away, and it ended in him: sorry I contacted you, it was a mistake.

But she sent him a friend request and he let it pending.

So, yeah. A two month thing. (Which explains why he was distant in bed. He said he was tired because of his job. But he had this girl to get turned on.)

And now, I hesitate between:

A) Full blown revenge. Say this girl contacted me on Facebook and asked me question about us. Told him I said everything. Then set him up see if he's going to admit everything. And talk to his ex to make sure he won't ever see his kids again. Ask him for all the money I gave him when he was between jobs and needed gas money to go to his training, about 300 $ . (Yeah, he was talking to this girl while I was being the good wifey and saving his behind)

Or

B) Not say anything. Wait for him to see if he's going to add this girl. Keep ignoring him.
Then have a frank talk about him. Know what's going on with her. Ask why he lied to me. Being zen and mature.
And if he doesn't chase me. End up all, but with a letter explaining that I've known for a while and tell him what I think of him, what he did, how he hurt me, and will make sure he's heartbroken after the letter knowing he lost the one good thing that isn't messed up in his life. The one stability he had.

Posted by pssymonstaa
Ok so tonight when you see him, make sure you got a stappler and slap the fuck out of this kid.
I hate to say it, but i told you so.

Like wtf? If a girl invited me over and had a game ready for us to play and get closer, it would turn into insta-sex. All night long.
And the next day.

Hes no good. Liar.

Oh no I take the I told you so. But thing is, I'm naive. And I know it. And he knows it.
Because he always told me how he would never ever hurt me again. How I was his girl, and how he wanted to be with me for a really long time.

Whew, girl, that earthy sun must give you saintlike restraint. His ass should be grass by now.

omg. umm, run! find someone who will respect you....

I texted him on his lunch break. And took the A road.
Said: Who is NAME and why is she asking things about you?

He didn't know what to say, and I told him I couldn't type, was feeling like having a heart attack (Which was true, my stress was so high!)

He asked me to call him but I couldn't. Tears running down my cheeks.

I told him that NAME contacted me, and asked things about us, and that she said what has been going on between them.

He said we (her and him) weren't dating, just talking about being roommate. Nothing more.
Said she was lying. That she's just pissed he stopped talking to her.

Told him I asked this girl to send some proof of her claims and that I was waiting.

He then said: Plus why the ... does it matter so much, you are I aren't a couple.

Told him: No we are not, but all this time I payed for things, did everything for you, was because you always said I was the only one you were doing it with.

He said: Even so, you've known for a long time I'm a polygamist (Meaning, his flirting and talking to girls were fine)

Told him: Poly as in, you me and another girl, not poly as in, lying to get things from me, taking advantage of me, and knowing I'd help you with everything if you told me I was the only one.
(Because we always said that having another girl in the house could be fun since I'm bi)

His answer was: You know what, I'm over it.

And I didn't answer.

Posted by pssymonstaa
Aww thats heartbreaking!
But you deserve so much better!!!!!!!!!!!

😢

I wrote him one last message about him owning me all the money I gave him since he's been talking to this girl. (About 600 $ )

Told him how much of a jerk he is for lying to me, and breaking things with me after that long of a time when he's choosing this girl he's been talking to for less than 2 months.

And the usual ranting about how I hate drama and writing long posts but did it because I loved and cared about him.

Things to make him feel bad about hurting me.

Like Whimsy once said, he doesn't know what he's doing wrong.

But thing is, I made it clear that while I'm very understanding and I respect his freedom, talking to other girls like he's doing now with that girl is NOT OK.

To him, because I'm open minded, I should accept it.

He doesn't understand that everything I did is because he lied to me about being my guy and mine only. Had I known before he was talking about meeting and dating that girl I would've never helped him and loved him like I did.

He's getting upset now because of me telling him that what he did is not ok. Not acknowledging it. He did realize what he was doing wrong with that porn star, but this girl, it's different.

He's still talking to her now like nothing happened.

He snapped at her. She denied it, and they're talking like nothing happened.
(I updated my status, saying what she did, and said that she would denied everything if my Gem asked her but he didn't say anything. She just said to him that she never talked about him to anyone, and it was fine)

To me, it's like: Yeah I've known you for all those years, but I prefer talking to her and believing her..

He explained to me last night that he only talked to her calmly because he wanted to see what she was going to say.

It ended up in her blocking him on Facebook.

When I showed her the screenshot, he denied everything and started getting very stressed out about losing me.

He first denied they were real, but when I confronted him about it, saying things like: "Look I know they are real, no need to lie to save your skin here"
he said "No now, I will later I'm too stressed right now"
but I didn't hear from him, except late last night when he asked me if I watched a TV show as if nothing happened. (He does this when he want to sense if it's cool to talk or not)

I ignored him..

He then sent his best friend to talk to me see what I had to say, and I explained that Gem scarred our relationship in ways I'm not sure can be repaired. Told him why logically why and his best friend explained to me that he said my Gem that keeping me in his life is something he has to do because I'm the only good thing in his life that is making sense and is stable.

His bestfriend is a Gem too, very kind, very understanding and very helpful in situations like that. He helped Gem calm down because he was apparently so stressed he couldn't talk properly.

Hypothetically speaking: How could I make him understand that having me in his life is the right thing right now and that he needs to follow some rules. (Without sounding like I'm cutting his freedom of course)

From what I've been told, Gems don't like ultimatum.
So I don't wanna be all like: "Well if you don't stay with me and me only, I'm gone for good!"