paying attention to the sub concsious

i keep gettin this feelin that im surpressing something that is about to kell me inside and i think i know what it is

im venting so dont mind me

I know what it is, dont know why im surpressing it tho, like im scared to asckowledge my depth of feeling and hope im not confusing it w/ another word cuz the last time i got like that, things just turned upside down for me, dont wanna chase something that is completely false in reality but seems liek a reachable fantasy. And then i wonder, did i fall in love with her? Everything got so fucced off and im tryna gage her too and the subtle messages we send but im bout to move and i hate this cuz the deeper i surpress it, the mroe it surfaces itself, and i dont wanna make declarations im unsure about, rhis shit is crazy for me cuz i got too much on my plate and the inner messages im giving off are in tensions with each other, maybe i should hide that and never let her know cuz i aint stupid on what i pick up. Seems like the height of the friendship which didnt seem like one at all reached its point and now im chasing hurt feelings, i been thru this once but i already know how different she is im not looking for advice, im just venting

a friendship is hard to continue when u know for a fact you could never see or hear from that person w/o feeling something, always having your feelings in everything u do for them when it might not be appropiate at the time, and my time here is winding down, wonder how much of my aggression will be used against me cuz its all motivated by how i feel about her

i know the whole shit went down it might be damged beyond repair to the point it was, prolly best to keep how strong i feel for her to myself and just be glad about the friend i got, 4 now at least

but i wonder why im constantly explaing myself to myself looking for reasons instead of logic or maybe they both just skewed as hell, when i look to myself, i see a shitload of corrections to make and i constantly feel crowded by the world and their opinions, i need total seculsionm and i will be damned glad when i get it cuz it makes me pissed when i cant get to myself, then maybe i will get an answer, a definite one, to slot of questions.

shit is crazy now im stuck here tryna piece together past events fighting ignorant impulses and just cant seem to see what happened, damn


i prolly just need something to write on cuz its alot going thru my head right now, i just cant wait until i can get away from everyone and there unwanted opinions on everything so i can go back to keeping ppl out my business and be happy with the fact that only i know my issues, tired of being judged 4 things ppl dont understand which leads to more and more grudges. When i get away, maybe then i will stop trying to reason with myself and just find answers