Separation Anxiety! (Ignoring SUCKS!)

I'm only creating this topic to keep myself from responding to my tf. He keeps reaching out, (physically & spiritually - HIS anxiety is about to make ME explode) and doing it at the eeriest (is that a word?) times. I.e. last night I was relaxing on my porch and before I knew it I was having an entire mental conversation with him. Explaining all the things I've realized since we parted ways and taking responsibility for my actions in our relationship. It was a good conversation. In the end I said good night (mentally) and went to bed. Checked my phone before falling off to sleep only to see a good night text from him followed by a winking emoticon. Things like this make it SOOOO hard not to respond. His timing is as always IMPECCABLE.

Normally as a Virgo it's super easy for me to ignore/disappear when I need time to figure things out. But not responding to him is torture. I don't want to hurt his feeling by ignoring him, but I know that I NEED this space to grow within myself if we are to truly work or at least truly be friends. I just can't get over him if he's constantly in my face. The worst part is I know that if I keep ignoring him he will eventually go away and while I know that's the point, there is still a part of me that doesn't want it to happen in real life. Him not contacting me is just as bad a him contacting me. Or maybe the contact is worse cause then it puts me in the position of having to choose not to respond, which I hate.

+1 Impulsv

It's okay to respond and as Impuls said be up front about needing time.

Be clear how many weeks/months you need. Men (not all of them of course) do not understand the concept of time or he'll be text messaging you again later that night.

It's okay to let him know you're trying to detox from the relationship and how hard it's going to be if he's consistently around. If you love him tell him that, basically tell him what you need to say if there is an opportunity to do it.

But that's the thing guys; I have said this to him. I told him on V-Day that I would not be in contact for a while as I need some time to move on. He stayed away for a week but now he's back at it again. I would respond with "Hi" or something polite like you say Impulsv but it's a slippery slope with him. Hi just leads to witty conversation, which leads to him coming up with an excuse to see me or telling me he loves me. And I know that I do not yet have the strength to turn down an opportunity to see him. The best I can manage is the not responding. I don't know maybe I could respond by reiterating that I still need time. I just don't want to back slide into old habits. Little does he know I'm doing all of this for us...not to punish him. I just want to salvage the friendship if nothing else.

OP, how long has this been going on? The relationship? I find that the obsession gets better with time. Like, there comes a time where you no longer care if they come or go. It flactuates, though. You may go a long time without enxiety, obsessive thoughts, etc, then one day, BOOM!!...back to thinking about them 24/7.

I haven't thought about this guy in a while, but today I was thinking about him in a sexual way. Couldn't stop myself & now I'm pissed off at myself for even going there. This thing, whatever it is, really sucks.

@Impulsv he actually did ask me how long the 1st time I tried to break things off but I didn't/couldn't commit to a time frame as I have no idea how long it's going to take to get over him. With this whole twin flame aspect I may never truly get over him. I don't want to say call me in May only to have May come around and still not be in a place to have him in my life. Dunno maybe I could say something like let's check in with each other in X amount of months to see if we're in a place where we can be friends. But stress the fact that even at that point I may still need more time. It won't eliminate my desire to hear from/respond to him but maybe it'll help with the guilt like you say. I'll give it another few days maybe me completely ignoring him these past few days made it sink in to him and he won't reach out again after last night. If he reaches out again, I'll respond from there. I'm too emotional about it now, all it would take is the right words from him...

@WaterCup the entire relationship has been 1.5 years; the trying to split up started in November, but I thought I was strong enough to get over him while remaining friends. I agree the feeling does seem to fluctuate. I was feeling fine, going on with my life even enjoying myself. (Even with him reaching out consistently) Then on Monday I was hit with this wave of anxiety, it was massive. All I could think about was him and anxiety. Then that night he started to really msg me, the anxiety got so bad I couldn't sleep. It's so odd because I'm not actually anxious about anything, I know exactly where things stand and I accept that but still anxiety. I understand I get soo mad at myself when I break down and respond to him cause I know it just lends itself to my own expectations and I'm trying to rid myself of those with him. Suck is a total understatement.

Posted by fembot
@Impulsv he actually did ask me how long the 1st time I tried to break things off but I didn't/couldn't commit to a time frame as I have no idea how long it's going to take to get over him. With this whole twin flame aspect I may never truly get over him. I don't want to say call me in May only to have May come around and still not be in a place to have him in my life. Dunno maybe I could say something like let's check in with each other in X amount of months to see if we're in a place where we can be friends. But stress the fact that even at that point I may still need more time. It won't eliminate my desire to hear from/respond to him but maybe it'll help with the guilt like you say. I'll give it another few days maybe me completely ignoring him these past few days made it sink in to him and he won't reach out again after last night. If he reaches out again, I'll respond from there. I'm too emotional about it now, all it would take is the right words from him...

@WaterCup the entire relationship has been 1.5 years; the trying to split up started in November, but I thought I was strong enough to get over him while remaining friends. I agree the feeling does seem to fluctuate. I was feeling fine, going on with my life even enjoying myself. (Even with him reaching out consistently) Then on Monday I was hit with this wave of anxiety, it was massive. All I could think about was him and anxiety. Then that night he started to really msg me, the anxiety got so bad I couldn't sleep. It's so odd because I'm not actually anxious about anything, I know exactly where things stand and I accept that but still anxiety. I understand I get soo mad at myself when I break down and respond to him cause I know it just lends itself to my own expectations and I'm trying to rid myself of those with him. Suck is a total understatement.

What do you think of the alien lovebite theory? Apparently this is another word for it & I'm starting to believe that theory over the tf one. This is pure evil...at least on a bad day. Please google Alien Lovebite.

Posted by Impulsv
No I can't see how love can be evil. I've improved n learned valuable lesson to become a better person so it can't be evil. My opinion

Please google the alien love bite & tell me what you think.

"Then the inevitable happens. It's absolutely devastating. The targeted love partner becomes "switched off" and the love-struck partner becomes painfully unrequited."

I just did a quick google search on it (never heard of it before today) and ^^^^ this is where it loses me. Neither of us has ever switched off. I know he loves me and I know that (even though I'm technically running right now) he knows that I love him. That part has always been mutual, we both admitted that to each other when we last spoke on Vday. The problem (if you can call it that) is one I've always known & that's that we're just not ready to be what we're meant to be.

The bad days are definitely BAD, but I wouldn't say they are evil. I think they are more a part of the constant refining that this relationship has to go through to reach it's own level of "perfection". The problem is this stage can be so awful that you just throw in the towel on the entire concept and move on to an easy soul mate relationship. The Love bite thing is interesting though...kind of makes me think of that movie, The Forgotten.

@WaterCup, I've seen a couple of snippets on your relationship situation. But what is going on that makes you think what you're dealing with is more Alien Love Bite than Twin Flame? If you don't mind my asking. You can pm me if it's too personal.

Posted by fembot
"Then the inevitable happens. It's absolutely devastating. The targeted love partner becomes "switched off" and the love-struck partner becomes painfully unrequited."

I just did a quick google search on it (never heard of it before today) and ^^^^ this is where it loses me. Neither of us has ever switched off. I know he loves me and I know that (even though I'm technically running right now) he knows that I love him. That part has always been mutual, we both admitted that to each other when we last spoke on Vday. The problem (if you can call it that) is one I've always known & that's that we're just not ready to be what we're meant to be.

The bad days are definitely BAD, but I wouldn't say they are evil. I think they are more a part of the constant refining that this relationship has to go through to reach it's own level of "perfection". The problem is this stage can be so awful that you just throw in the towel on the entire concept and move on to an easy soul mate relationship. The Love bite thing is interesting though...kind of makes me think of that movie, The Forgotten.

The "switched off" part happens with many people in "tf" relationships.

Posted by WaterCup

Posted by fembot
"Then the inevitable happens. It's absolutely devastating. The targeted love partner becomes "switched off" and the love-struck partner becomes painfully unrequited."

I just did a quick google search on it (never heard of it before today) and ^^^^ this is where it loses me. Neither of us has ever switched off. I know he loves me and I know that (even though I'm technically running right now) he knows that I love him. That part has always been mutual, we both admitted that to each other when we last spoke on Vday. The problem (if you can call it that) is one I've always known & that's that we're just not ready to be what we're meant to be.

The bad days are definitely BAD, but I wouldn't say they are evil. I think they are more a part of the constant refining that this relationship has to go through to reach it's own level of "perfection". The problem is this stage can be so awful that you just throw in the towel on the entire concept and move on to an easy soul mate relationship. The Love bite thing is interesting though...kind of makes me think of that movie, The Forgotten.

The "switched off" part happens with many people in "tf" relationships.

click to expand

Hmmm...I think I thought of this period with tf's as more of the "insecure can this really be happening; I've got to get out of here" running period. Not so much the "switched off; I feel nothing for you" type thing the article was describing. Maybe I'm splitting hairs. I'm going to read up on this theory a bit more. It'll be a welcome distraction...

Posted by fembot
@WaterCup, I've seen a couple of snippets on your relationship situation. But what is going on that makes you think what you're dealing with is more Alien Love Bite than Twin Flame? If you don't mind my asking. You can pm me if it's too personal.

IDK what I'm dealing with, it could be a love bite or tf. All I know is that it has hurt me more than anything else. My situation is similar to yours in that the feeling is mutual. I love him, he "loves" me but he is married. I didn't know that he was when we 1st met. He lied. So I've been trying to fight these feelings I still have for him for many years now. It'll be 11 years in March. He bothers me, can't let go & is making things hard for me...I can't move on. Frankly, I think he is more obsessed than I am because at least I have more control of myself. He calls & hangs up, etc. I put an end to that though by changing my number & moving away. I want to start afresh without having to deal with all the stress of wanting something I'll never have. There's way too many "obstacles" between us & I'm not talking about his marriage but the way he behaves in general.

Posted by fembot

Posted by WaterCup

Posted by fembot
"Then the inevitable happens. It's absolutely devastating. The targeted love partner becomes "switched off" and the love-struck partner becomes painfully unrequited."

I just did a quick google search on it (never heard of it before today) and ^^^^ this is where it loses me. Neither of us has ever switched off. I know he loves me and I know that (even though I'm technically running right now) he knows that I love him. That part has always been mutual, we both admitted that to each other when we last spoke on Vday. The problem (if you can call it that) is one I've always known & that's that we're just not ready to be what we're meant to be.

The bad days are definitely BAD, but I wouldn't say they are evil. I think they are more a part of the constant refining that this relationship has to go through to reach it's own level of "perfection". The problem is this stage can be so awful that you just throw in the towel on the entire concept and move on to an easy soul mate relationship. The Love bite thing is interesting though...kind of makes me think of that movie, The Forgotten.

The "switched off" part happens with many people in "tf" relationships.

Hmmm...I think I thought of this period with tf's as more of the "insecure can this really be happening; I've got to get out of here" running period. Not so much the "switched off; I feel nothing for you" type thing the article was describing. Maybe I'm splitting hairs. I'm going to read up on this theory a bit more. It'll be a welcome distraction...

click to expand

It makes more sense though than the very vague tf thingy.

WOW @WaterCup, that's pretty hectic...And it's been going on for 11 years...And he's married. This relationship has a LOT of moving parts. From what I've read a lot of both TF and Alien Love Bite relationships start with one party already in a relationship. (hence the running period). But maybe in your case you should stop trying to assign a label (TF or love bite) to your relationship with this guy. Perhaps for now it's best to just acknowledge that its...MORE and address each part individually, instead of addressing it from a TF or Alien Bite perspective. Maybe you're confused because your situation doesn't really fit any of these labels.
The lie is a definitely a problem...especially lying about marriage. TF, Alien Bite or other that would have to be addressed and trust rebuilt before we could even have a real friend relationship. But since you guys clearly can't be together now, maybe you can focus on what this relationship is trying to teach you about you. Maybe figuring that out is the start of moving on.

One of the other post listed a link to a really good free spirit blog, I've been reading. The blogger talks about different types of TF connection (partial TF; healing TF; true mirror TF) It was good food for thought. Did you see that link? If not, I'll find it and re-post it for you. But yea I can only imagine what it must feel like to be in love with someone you can't have for 11 years...especially if the person won't just leave you alone and let you heal...

Posted by Impulsv
Yes state u still need time n set a date like I'm going to disappear for two months so if u contact n see no response it's because I need this. Thank you

Therefore it's on him If he contacts he knows to expect no response n he'll be fine.

+1000

Don't ignore! Ever. It's dehumanizing,emotionally abusive and painful to the other. It's also VERY selfish. If you need time, say it clearly and also mention that if any attempts of communication on his part are made during x-period of time, he will NOT get a response.

Posted by tiki33
+1 Impulsv

It's okay to respond and as Impuls said be up front about needing time.

Be clear how many weeks/months you need. Men (not all of them of course) do not understand the concept of time or he'll be text messaging you again later that night.

It's okay to let him know you're trying to detox from the relationship and how hard it's going to be if he's consistently around. If you love him tell him that, basically tell him what you need to say if there is an opportunity to do it.

I approve this post!

I posted I post on my forum about "Letting go.". You can read up on that to shed some more light on your situation. However, these are lessons I have learned through my TF connection. I always stress each TF connection and it's dynamics is different. Age difference; marital statues, and How evolved each person is( level of maturity.)

However, I will say this. You stated that your TF, has been trying to seek you out. Do not close that door. The seeking out is for both of your convince; it helps you both to heal, and again begin to continue your journey to learn the lessons your meant to learn.

I know that you fear the pain getting worse. I know you fear letting him back in. But ignoring; only prolongs the pain. Ignoring also makes you obsessed more; because with out him knowing he will start reaching out to you mentally; and through this telepathic connection you will begin to have sexual awakenings and desires to the point where you will go days with out sleep.

TF's become anxious when they feel great amounts of distance. I remember one instance when I began to let go and be at piece with the connection. I was driving home; and all of a sudden he popped in to my head and I had a panic attack so much so that I had to pull over. My heart was pounding so hard; I felt sick; and started sweating. I took a deep breath and said "I still love you and I'm here for you." Once I said that, all the symptoms went away.

The main reason for this connection is also to teach us unconditional love.

Hope what you read on my forum helps.

"I know that you fear the pain getting worse. I know you fear letting him back in. But ignoring; only prolongs the pain. Ignoring also makes you obsessed more; because with out him knowing he will start reaching out to you mentally; and through this telepathic connection you will begin to have sexual awakenings and desires to the point where you will go days with out sleep. "

This ^^^ right here is my life in a nut shell these days. He is all up in my psyche in the worst/best way. I feel Iike I can't escape him, like there's no where to hide! I even had a past life dream about him last night. I think I was shown our original meeting. Oddly enough we were ancient Japanese, that might explain my obsession with Japanese men. Major sigh...I just need a break from all of this, to get my mind right. Even as I started to type this response he reached out again. I'm completely overwhelmed. I know he wants me to go through all of this with him, but I don't know how to. I don't know how to stop myself from forcing a relationship with him now even though I know in my soul now is not the time. I want to be able to keep this door open but I have no idea how to do that without risking pushing him away with my actions. I know I said I would respond if he reached out again, but I have NO IDEA what to say.

I'm going to check out your post now...I really need some insight. Thanks to everyone for letting me vent.

Fembot-

Ask yourself this question. What is it that you fear about this connection?

I don't know the whole story; so I can't really dissect; or help you ask the right questions.

However, it seems you fear letting someone in. You fear letting past walls you have built to keep yourself protected from emotional pain or disappointment. It seems you have taken the role of the runner.

Try doing away with expectations(stop thinking about what is the ending result of the connection and where it's headed. Easier said then done; yes, but this is the only way to begin quieting the fears that keep holding you back.).

Ask yourself " when did I experience loves pains( in any type of relationship.)? When did you begin having trouble letting people in? When did you begin having trust issues? There is a lot of anxiety I'm picking up from you; confusion, and push and pull. You are having a strong battle between soul, and mind. Your mind is pushing you in one direction; yet your soul is guiding to him. Quiet your mind, do this through meditation.

Allow him in ( telepathically) ask him what does he want out of the connection? Explain to him that the feelings, the connection itself it's too intense and you need to play catch up, you need time to just accept. Explain you are not thinking of romantics, because at the moment it's not what you are able to give. However, you can give him lines of communication(staying in touch or reaching out when ever one misses the other.).
It helps to communicate clearly what is it you need at the moment. Acceptance, is key. It's a chaotic thing; makes you feel so unbalanced and you question everything; and dissect and analyze. Trust me I know.

I would sit for hours on end writing to my TF, read what I would right and then decide yes I'm sending it to him; then at last minute I would decide not to send him the email; and then seconds later out of impulse id send it any way; and then regret sending it all together(push and pull effect.).

You have to remember; all this back and forth; your TF feels that energy, and begins to do the same back and forth dance. So the two of you are both looking for reassurance; a sigh that all will be alright, forgetting that that confidance comes firstly from with in.

Ask yourself; why am I so afraid? What am I afriad of? What about the connection do I fear?

You can even post it hear; or write it down in a journal and slowly you will see that these things stem from past eve

Continuation)

You can even post it hear; or write it down in a journal and slowly you will see that these things stem from past events. I am curious to know the answers; to further help you redirect that energy inwardly.

I've been digging all around within myself for the answers to these ^^^ questions. So far what I can admit it that the complete lack of control over the love I feel for him is one of the major things I fear from this connection. And not romantic love...it's something else, he's my best everything. I never want to live in a world where he's not in my life in some way. This love feels like a torrential storm in the middle of the sea and I'm stuck at sea on nothing but a piece of wood and a makeshift paddle. I fear the waves...the lack of control over myself and my feelings. The more I try not to feel them, the more I feel them. So I try to control the situation by pressing for something I don't really even want and manipulating the situation in whatever way that I can so that I can exercise some form of control over this situation. And him being the reflection that he is...he NEVER lets me get away with it. He never lets me manipulate him or control the situation. Not out of spite but because he recognizes how much I'm attached to my own control. This just drives me crazier as it makes me feel that much more out of control and like I'm trying to control a rock. Nothing works...which makes sense; since I might control/manipulate others but I refuse to allow it to be done to me. As much as I hate to admit this to myself I let myself be the victim so he can be wrong and I can justify my decision to run. And him...no matter how much I push him away, how badly I behave; he just WON'T GO AWAY! He won't even let me control that...smh. It's overwhelming.

I've never admitted that to anyone, I just recently admitted it to myself...and I know there's sooo much more to it that I just haven't realized...yet.

You would be right I have a LOT of fear of letting someone in. Especially someone I can't control and someone I feel as strongly as I feel for him. Letting him in threatens to affect (for lack of a better word) EVERYTHING. But I still haven't exactly figured out the WHY of all this fear. I've had fears in other relationships, but nothing like this. Just the usual is he going to call type fear. What I feel here is on a level I didn't know exist...He effects me tooooooo much. Sometimes I can't even look at his pictures as the energy is just too much.

EXPECTATION!!! This is something I've recently come to realize is the major issue I have to get past...thought I don't really know how. It's easy to remove my expectations when he's away from me. But in his prese

how do you have a mental convo with someone?

@virgom tbh I have no idea how something like this happens. All I know is that sometimes when I'm trying to meditate I end up in these intense mental or "psychic" conversations with him. Honestly I never even thought too much about whether or not he was participating in these conversation on his end. I just noticed that he usually reaches out after these conversations. Maybe some of the more seasoned people will have a better explanation.

Posted by virgom
how do you have a mental convo with someone?

It usually happens at a subconscious level( better achieved through meditation.). Being open to the other party also helps. It's hard to explain. When it happens with me; it's usually through meditation and visualization. Happens most when I'm sleeping; since I'm also between being awake and asleep for some reason. With each person is different. Some it's an inner voice that comes unexpectedly; others it's through meditation; or while asleep.

HE'S HERE! :-O

Posted by fembot
HE'S HERE! :-O

He came over to your place?

I wonder if tf relationships ever become dangerous because of the obsession. I mean, I know some do stalk their tf via social media, etc. Plus the things tfs sometimes say can be seen as creepy by other people lol.

I know my friends & family think "my" guy creepy. They think he has a potential to chop me up lol. I'm not going to lie, I've thought of that myself since I had a scary "situation" with another person in the past. But the difference is that, this guy doesn't scare me like the other one did. The "dangerous" signs are there, though. Like the "I feel empty without you", etc. Makes me think of what would happen when I really never want to see him again. Hmmm?

Yes he totally showed up. Said he's leaving town for 2 weeks and wanted to see me before he left. (We haven't seen each other in a month) Unfortunately or fortunately im not sure which, im not so strong in person. We've been together ever since...he just left to go pack but asked to see me again before he leaves...epic sigh. I did get a chance to say some of the things I needed to say. Mainly the apology which he accepted. I told him about being overwhelmed and needing to have time to reconcile my emotions. He agreed to give space while he's away and I promised to see him when he comes back to town. Now after seeing him and feeling our old rhythm again im not sure if running/ignoring is the best option for us. But I still fear falling back into my old crazy emotional state. Meh decisions deciosion.....


@WaterCup I could see his behavior appearing as creepy or obsessive. Its all about perception, so long as im interested its cute and endearing. But as soon as that changes it'll become creepy and obsessive...human beings we're so fickle....

Posted by fembot
Yes he totally showed up. Said he's leaving town for 2 weeks and wanted to see me before he left. (We haven't seen each other in a month) Unfortunately or fortunately im not sure which, im not so strong in person. We've been together ever since...he just left to go pack but asked to see me again before he leaves...epic sigh. I did get a chance to say some of the things I needed to say. Mainly the apology which he accepted. I told him about being overwhelmed and needing to have time to reconcile my emotions. He agreed to give space while he's away and I promised to see him when he comes back to town. Now after seeing him and feeling our old rhythm again im not sure if running/ignoring is the best option for us. But I still fear falling back into my old crazy emotional state. Meh decisions decision.....


@WaterCup I could see his behavior appearing as creepy or obsessive. Its all about perception, so long as im interested its cute and endearing. But as soon as that changes it'll become creepy and obsessive...human beings we're so fickle....

That's great that he came over and also that you were honest and upfront with him. He sounds like a nice, sensitive guy. Don't let your fear of emotionality ruin a special relationship with this special person.

Posted by fembot
Yes he totally showed up. Said he's leaving town for 2 weeks and wanted to see me before he left. (We haven't seen each other in a month) Unfortunately or fortunately im not sure which, im not so strong in person. We've been together ever since...he just left to go pack but asked to see me again before he leaves...epic sigh. I did get a chance to say some of the things I needed to say. Mainly the apology which he accepted. I told him about being overwhelmed and needing to have time to reconcile my emotions. He agreed to give space while he's away and I promised to see him when he comes back to town. Now after seeing him and feeling our old rhythm again im not sure if running/ignoring is the best option for us. But I still fear falling back into my old crazy emotional state. Meh decisions deciosion.....


@WaterCup I could see his behavior appearing as creepy or obsessive. Its all about perception, so long as im interested its cute and endearing. But as soon as that changes it'll become creepy and obsessive...human beings we're so fickle....

The "Crazy emotional" state happens when you begin to fear. When this happen; you alway have to ask why are you reacting this way? What's causing it? How can you do away with it?


When you have emotional slips ups. Take a step back and evaluate the situation and ask key questions. These questions can help you release those fears and hindering habits.

We tend to communicate our feelings differently. Where im straightforward and say exactly what im feeling and what I want; he tends to speak in riddles or metaphors that make it difficult to determine exactly what he's trying to say. Like yesterday he was telling me something and he was talking for about 10 minutes before I realized in his way he was trying to explain that he's so close to reaching his career goals so he's working non stop but as soon as it gets done he'll have so much more time go be normal with me.

It's tough I just wish he would be direct. My fear comes in when I begin to worry that I'm interpreting him wrong and he feels nothing for me. @sag you're right though I am going to try keeping myself in check with these questions to myself and reminding myself that tf does not mean romantic relationship. Yesterday/today I remained in the moment with him, sans any control or fears and it felt great to just be myself and enjoy him again... one day at a time I guess

Posted by Sagittarius2315
The "Crazy emotional" state happens when you begin to fear. When this happen; you alway have to ask why are you reacting this way? What's causing it? How can you do away with it?

When you have emotional slips ups. Take a step back and evaluate the situation and ask key questions. These questions can help you release those fears and hindering habits.

I should cut this out and stick it on my fridge as a constant reminder.

@Impulsv, you don't have to thank me. I'm glad I could help even just a little!

I swear if it wasn't for being able to vent here I wouldn't have even opened the door when he showed up. I faced soooo many fears this weekend because of you guys! Namely expressing myself verbally in person instead of hiding behind letters or text messages. It took me right up until he was about to leave to do it...but I did it! And it wasn't completely terrible...lol

+1 @spiceNsugar

Posted by fembot
@Impulsv, you don't have to thank me. I'm glad I could help even just a little!

I swear if it wasn't for being able to vent here I wouldn't have even opened the door when he showed up. I faced soooo many fears this weekend because of you guys! Namely expressing myself verbally in person instead of hiding behind letters or text messages. It took me right up until he was about to leave to do it...but I did it! And it wasn't completely terrible...lol

+1 @spiceNsugar

You did great! Give yourself a pat on the back! And keep us posted 🙂

Posted by SpiceNSugar

Posted by Sagittarius2315
The "Crazy emotional" state happens when you begin to fear. When this happen; you alway have to ask why are you reacting this way? What's causing it? How can you do away with it?

When you have emotional slips ups. Take a step back and evaluate the situation and ask key questions. These questions can help you release those fears and hindering habits.

I should cut this out and stick it on my fridge as a constant reminder.

click to expand

No need; I've just noticed from my experience. When your not asking a million and one questions. You get to enjoy what your TF has to offer you. As soon as fear sets in, you don't enjoy the now with him/her, and then you begin beating yourself up for it(more fear; and then blaming yourself for letting them back in).


Pay attention when ever you TF reaches out? Do they do it when your in a stage of acceptance? And when your finally at piece with the connection?

When they run? Do the do it when you start to slowly become scared of the connection? And fear they might leave again?

Posted by Impulsv
Oh that ways happens but how can u stop that fear when that's what he does every single time in past. Get to the point u don't care if they leave?

I haven't gotten to that point yet. I still care even though I wish I didn't.

I never have time to mediatate with 2 kids its like I know I need to do this but damn its hard to carve out time

@Impulsv I'm dealing with this now. The fear is slowly building up in my head and making me 2nd guess what I think I know in regards to my tf. What I'm trying to do during this time is just acknowledge my fears and accept that im having these feelings instead of pretending it's not there and allowing it to fester with lies I tell myself. Once I allow them then I face them and the reason that im feeling these fears. (In my case its because I fear being wrong about him/us). Then I tell myself its ok to be wrong. If im wrong its not like I'll be stoned by the people if im wrong. I'll just keep moving forward. so I allow myself believe in my gut and not fear being wrong. Being wrong is a part of life. That's my new motto...and I find that this is helping me maintain my fears. I hope that helps you....

Posted by Impulsv
Thanks
The fear sets in when we start communicating. I fear he will leave when I don't hear from him days later so I usually initiate then n we talk n sometimes I ask for answers then he leaves. So in 4 years as much as I think I've progressed. Because he has checked in but leaves after 2-3 weeks of contact Ive always fear it.
So if he ever contact maybe I can expect to leave n be ok?

Somehow you have figure out a way to remove your expectations of him leaving or staying. The fear of him leaving is controlling your actions instead of you being in control of your actions. (I speak from my own experience doing the same thing with my tf). Instead of expecting him to leave when he comes around again, try figuring out a way to not expect anything and just live in the present moment of the relationship. If/when he leaves wish him well and don't take it as a personal hit on you.

Easier said than done I know...it's a lesson I'm teaching myself too...

Posted by fembot

Posted by Impulsv
Thanks
The fear sets in when we start communicating. I fear he will leave when I don't hear from him days later so I usually initiate then n we talk n sometimes I ask for answers then he leaves. So in 4 years as much as I think I've progressed. Because he has checked in but leaves after 2-3 weeks of contact Ive always fear it.
So if he ever contact maybe I can expect to leave n be ok?

Somehow you have figure out a way to remove your expectations of him leaving or staying. The fear of him leaving is controlling your actions instead of you being in control of your actions. (I speak from my own experience doing the same thing with my tf). Instead of expecting him to leave when he comes around again, try figuring out a way to not expect anything and just live in the present moment of the relationship. If/when he leaves wish him well and don't take it as a personal hit on you.

Easier said than done I know...it's a lesson I'm teaching myself too...

click to expand

I'm in the same boat as both of you and can very much relate. It's really hard to expect nothing and to not feel let down when you don't get what you would hope or wish to have. But it's really true that it's crucial to have no expectations when dealing with a TF.

@SpiceNSugar I think it might be one of the largest and hardest lessons this tf connection is teaching me. Stay positive things get better in time...

Posted by fembot
@SpiceNSugar I think it might be one of the largest and hardest lessons this tf connection is teaching me. Stay positive things get better in time...

I'd like to be positive but for now, I just can't cope anymore.

Posted by Impulsv
Going through a strange phase
I'm angry when I read in other boards success stories. Were their tf finally comes back telling them they ran for fear blah blah n loved them. I'm angry n sad cuz it makes me feel like what have I done wrong.😢

Awww @Impulsv... Don't think that way! It's just not your time...yet. You're story is different than those other people but just think of how happy you will be when you're happy ending finds you (in whatever way it chooses to find you). Look at those success stories as motivation to keep enjoying your life. Those people were in there own personal hell feeling much like you are now at one point. Then one day BAM...the kinks ironed themselves out. If it can happen to them...why not you...why not any of us!

Posted by fembot

Posted by Impulsv
Going through a strange phase
I'm angry when I read in other boards success stories. Were their tf finally comes back telling them they ran for fear blah blah n loved them. I'm angry n sad cuz it makes me feel like what have I done wrong.😢

Awww @Impulsv... Don't think that way! It's just not your time...yet. You're story is different than those other people but just think of how happy you will be when you're happy ending finds you (in whatever way it chooses to find you). Look at those success stories as motivation to keep enjoying your life. Those people were in there own personal hell feeling much like you are now at one point. Then one day BAM...the kinks ironed themselves out. If it can happen to them...why not you...why not any of us!

click to expand

This is a nice, positive, and supportive answer Fembot. Right now, I'm kind of feeling like Impulsiv... so I'm trying to not see my situation in a negative light even though it sure feels that way inside my head 😢

My bad don't know what happened there; actual comment below:


To me life is just an endless succession of highs and lows until you're lucky enough to find a proper balance in all things. For me when I hit one of my lows I look to something in my future that I'm looking forward to and I focus on the joy of that moment. In my case my daughter goes off to college in less than 2 years and when she's securely in her dorm I'm moving to the beach and backpacking through Europe. No matter how down I get when I think about this future I remember that life's not so bad. Just this one part of my life sucks right now. But at some point even that has to get better. It can't rain forever. At least that's what seems to work for me. Just remember love/relationships are just ONE part of the entire picture of your life. If that part sucks try focusing on the other parts that don't suck. It may not make you feel great but hopefully it'll make you feel a bit better... baby steps :-) Sending you both MASSIVE E-HUGS!!!!!

@Sugarfoot...I'm a work in progress so pls take my advice with a grain of salt, but I would say that if you're still somewhat emotional about your ex and trying to focus on your new relationship, you should give things with the ex a bit more distance until you emotionally stabilize. If you try to bring him back into your life in a real way right now, it's just going to make things messy and cause a rift in your current relationship. If you know you can't be with your ex and you know that your new relationship is where you want to be; go with that for now. Give yourself more time to heal and fully get over your ex before you try to have him in your life as a friend.

Also maybe take some time to think about whether you're truly in a place to be in a new relationship if you're heart is still with your ex. Is your new guy a rebound? If so, does he know that? I'm not saying he is or that you're not ready to be with him, just some questions you might want to ask yourself if you already haven't. But if you've got a good thing going on with the new guy, don't risk ruining it by going backwards. I hope you feel better...

Posted by Sugarfoot
No my current bf isn't a rebound. There was about 4 mos between my break up with the ex and meeting my bf. I had made a final and lasting decision that I could not be wth ex and broke things off for good.

I told my ex that I had moved on. He said that if he couldn't have anything else with me, then he'd like to be friends. I agreed to that but I did tell him that I would need some time to let things die down. He didn't give me the time I asked for and that's when I started ignoring him. I did that for about 3-4 mos. Then when the holidays came around I started responding to texts. He was just saying hey or sometimes he'd say I love you. He'd ask to see me and I always said no.

Basically, if I cut things off, he will just keep contacting me anyway. Ignoring him is torture because I know it's hurting his feelings. And, it hurts me to hurt him. And, I want to know he is ok because I still do care very much.

My relationship is more important than my ex's feelings. I don't want to risk ruining it. I guess I was just hoping to let it die a slow natural death with the ex. I would rather have chopped the head off, but that doesn't seem to be an option with him. How do I let go of somebody who refuses to let go of me?

Trust me I know exactly how that feels. I've tried to run from my guy a great many times and it's always that need to not hurt his feelings that brings me back. I try to just be polite and show I care and things with him are so effortless that I end up right back in it. It's the slipperiest (is that a word?) of slopes. The only way to let go of a person that won't let you go is to accept that you'll be the "bad guy" and cut complete contact with him until he gets over it. I had to do that with my ex-aquarius. I kept trying to just be friends but he would not let go of the relationship. I finally just had to accept that we couldn't be in each others lives anymore. Even with that it took him another 4 years to stop trying to contact me. So yea you've got to really want it.

Oh man the showing up REALLY threw me off... But it was actually the catalyst that made me realize that i need to face my fears with this guy and stop running. So in a sense I'm glad he did it. But if in the future I decide we really can't be together I know that I'll have to cut all contact for a long time in order to move on. There

The solution is to keep ignoring but have sex telepathically .. Like you've been doing. *sarcasm* 🙂