Astrology Humor

How Many Members of Your Sign
Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?

ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?

TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.

GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.

CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process.

LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.

VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013% .

LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?

SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.
OR, thanks to one of our website visitors: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--

PISCES: What light bulb?

After Sex Comments by Sun Sign . . . :

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

Prayers
ARIES
(3/21-4/19)
"Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

LIBRA
(9/23-10/22)
"Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

TAURUS
(4/20-5/20)
"Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

SCORPIO
(10/23-11/21)
"Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."

GEMINI
(5/21-6/20)
"Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

SAGITTARIUS
(11/22-12/21)
"OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"

CANCER
(6/21-7/22)
"Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

CAPRICORN
(12/22-1/19)
"Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

LEO
(7/23-8/22)
"Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

AQUARIUS
(1/20-2/1
"Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

VIRGO
(8/23-9/22)
"Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

PISCES
(2/19-3/20)
"Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

LOL!!! Hilarious!

MoonCat's Astrology

AN IRREVERENT LOOK AT THE SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC

or

TERRIBLE thoughts about your Sign

The signs of the Zodiac begin with Aries and end with Pisces. That is, they start out uptight and end up loose as a goose, they go from unbearably pushy and selfish to absurdly agreeable and generous, and range from fearless sheep to sheepish fish.

Aries is a sheep, I mean a Ram. Sheepishness is not in Aries' nature (see Pisces). Butting-headedness is. Sheep say Baahhh. Rams say Baaahhkkk OFF - and you'd better... those horns inflict pain! Every Aries is pushy and knows everything, and they always cut in line....stomp, stomp, trample, trample, get ahead, come in first - yep, just get out of the way, okay? Aries is ruled by Mars, god of "I Win, you Lose".

Taurus is a cow, I mean a Bull. Cows give milk, bulls don't give you anything but flaming nostrils and charging-headlong-into-you horns. They take whatever they want, whenever they want it - your food, your favorite chair, your time, your energy, your money, your stuff - it's all theirs. They just graze through life, eating everything in their paths. Selfish good for nothings! Taurus is ruled by Venus - goddess of stuff and money.

Gemini is a pair of twins, a schizophrenic whacko. Can't stick to one position for a minute, and they lie. Fickle, flighty and totally nuts. Don't go out with a Gemini unless you want to go insane. He loves me, he loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not. You'll never know the real answer. Gemini is ruled by Mercury - god of mind-tripping.

Cancer is a crab. That's all there is to it. cookiemonster, moan, complain, rag, perpetual PMS - man or woman. Once in a while, when the moon is just right, Cancer becomes a raving lunatic. That's the only relief you'll get from their insufferable whining. Nothing is good enough, nobody helps enough, you're not eating enough, blah blah blah. There's just no way to please them. The only solution is to put 'em in a pot and boil em. Cancer is ruled by spooky sister Moon and the wild, merciless tides.

Leo is a beast. Leos strut around like mister and misses perfects - just like your cat. I mean look at your cat - what is it good for? "Feed me, Look at my hair, look at my hair, Don't I look perfect? Pet me, adore me, play with me - now go away" - hiss, scratch. They don't do tricks, they won't do what you say, and they shed. That's about it. Leo is ruled by the Sun - Mr. Shiny himself.

Virgo is a virgin. Virgin's are no fun. They're clean, pure, and very picky. Nobody and nothing is good enough for a Virgo. They stare at you with those penetrating eyes, making mental notes of all your weaknesses and imperfections. Then they pretend to be your friend and help you, snickering and laughing at you all the while. Don't trust them for a minute. Virgo is ruled by Mercury - god of hyper-analysis.

Libra is a pair of scales - way out of balance. They keep trying to get it right, but they never do. They add a little more to this side, a little more to that, until they're so loaded up with stuff that they need to hold a yard sale. But of course they won't, and they always want more. More love, more jewelry, more fun, more money, more beauty, more friends, blah blah blah.. Libra is ruled by Venus - goddess of tons of stuff and goodies.

Scorpio is a nasty, stinging scorpion, a venomous vermin, a sneaky, menacing creature of the dark. NEVER trust a Scorpio. Scorpios don't trust you, and they'll kill you in a heartbeat. If you treat them just right, they might make good pets - properly caged of course. Scorpio crawls about unseen, digging into your private thoughts and dreams and stealing them like a thief in the night. It's scary. Scorpio is ruled by Pluto - god of the atomic bomb.

Sagittarius is a cloddy, tromping, whinnying horse. Stay out of their way...most Sagittarians are the kind of horse with bli

This is funny... But I'm not REALLY like that... Only a little like that.

lol Morgan! 😛

(yeah me too)

LoL pheonix... but the pisces always seems to get the dumb-blonde syndrome.

I think though that it's better to be a dumb blonde than an insane murderer. LOL. 😛 Think of it *that* way...hehehe

LoL... only- I am blonde and a pisces... dangerously flirtatious/spatious mix.

How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences:
ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at
all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he is dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made

I got the others off the same site. Funny stuff. I love comparisons.

Parts of the Body Ruled by the Twelve Signs

This is supposed to be useful because some people believe it's a good way to predict what ailments certain signs are predisposed to. See what you think.

Aries: Head/neck. Migraines, decapitation, the common cold.
Taurus: Shoulders. Heavy backpacks and the common cold.
Gemini: Elbows. Psychosis, the common cold.
Cancer: Tumors. Excessive blinking, leprosy, the common cold.
Leo: Butts. Tourettes Syndrome and the common cold.
Virgo: Fingernails. Gangrene, and often the common cold.
Libra: Butts again. Spontaneous combustion, the common cold.
Scorpio: Underoos. Herpes resulting from the common cold.
Sagittarius: Hair. War injuries. Oh, and the common cold.
Capricorn: Hooves and Tails. The common clod, er, cold.
Aquarius: Appendix. Night sweats and the common cold.
Pisces: Breasts. Melodrama, lupus, hypochondria about the common cold.

lol Gwen...well, there's always Clairol Nice & Easy, but I say, embrace your blondeness *and* your spaciness! lol, I can be spacy too occasionally, and I also have blondish hair, so I feel ya 😉 It can be kind of fun to hide your intelligence from people and then suprise the hell out of them when they ask your opinion on something you're knowlegeable about!

Cheat Sheet

Here is a quick list of generalizations you can consult to pass incorrect judgements on family and friends. A dorky symbol is included next to each to make it look more authentic.

Aries ( ? )
Planet ruled by: Mars
Keyword: Arrgh
Key Phrase: I pummel
Symbol: Ram

Taurus ( ? )
Planet ruled by: Pluto
Keyword: Whatever
Key Phrase: I sulk
Symbol: Chipmunk

Gemini ( ? )
Planet ruled by: Goofy
Keyword: Huh?
Key Phrase: I argue
Symbol: Snickers Bar

Cancer ( ... )
Planet ruled by: The bright one
Keyword: Hmm
Key Phrase: I know
Symbol: Giant Panda

Leo ( ! )
Planet ruled by: Planet Hollywood
Keyword: Mine
Key Phrase: I rock
Symbol: Mighty Mouse

Virgo ( ? )
Planet ruled by: Mars
Keyword: No
Key Phrase: I clean
Symbol: Chastity Belt


Libra ( ? )
Plant ruled by: Venus Flytrap
Keyword: Coffee
Key Phrase: I alienate
Symbol: Vase

Scorpio ( @?#*! )
Planet ruled by: Mars
Keyword: Seethe
Key Phrase: I plot
Symbol: The Legion of Doom

Sagittarius ( * )
Planet ruled by: Kevin
Keyword: Wazzup
Key Phrase: I tap-dance
Symbol: Nude Man

Capricorn ( + )
Planet ruled by: The one with sharp corners
Keyword: Own
Key Phrase: I insist
Symbol: Peanut

Aquarius ( 😄 )
Planet ruled by: California
Keyword: Dude
Key Phrase: I drink
Symbol: Dancing Bears

Pisces ( ? )
Planet ruled by: Moons and meteorites
Keyword: Fairies
Key Phrase: I overdramatize
Symbol: Fish With a Hookah

LOL, funny stuff

True story:

"The report that important decisions in the White House were based on astrological advice is most disturbing. The results could undermine faith in astrology."

Letter to the Editor
New York Times
15 May 1988

cha ching.

LOL! i'm crazyyy