Darker Thoughts

There once was a girl who wasn?t happy. She cried. She cried but wasn?t allowed to.

They said she had a wonderful life. They said she had no reason to be sad. She had everything anyone could ever want. She should be happy and thankful and run around with a big smile blowing kisses to the world in a bubble gum pink skirt. They said everyone has problems. Most of those problems are way worse than the ones she has. But that only made her feel worse. Her perfect life was nothing but people telling her how to feel, telling her how to act, telling her that she wasn?t good enough if she didn?t do what they wanted. And they were always negative. And they were always yelling. And there was no reason for anything. She wasn?t aloud to be sad. She wasn?t aloud to be happy.

She would scream in frustration. It was so hard to do anything. She liked her bed. She would hide under her covers and close her eyes tight, slipping into her own world where she was free to express herself. It was the only place except for hiding in the bathtub with the bathroom door locked that she could find any peace at all. Everywhere else was a prison. She woke up at night hearing screaming, sometimes in anger, sometimes in fear. After gasping for breath, she?d realize that the voices were only in her head, but she?d still search the shadows in her room.

She was what they wanted: a perfect girl. She did everything they told her to. She smiled when they said to smile. She frowned when they said to frown. She hated them. She hated life. She wanted out.

When she broke down, they said she was sick, so they locked her away and fed her pills. Until one day she couldn?t take it any longer, so she put and end to it, and herself. After her death the people scorned her for being selfish and wasting a life that had so much potential. The scorned her for never being able to realize why she should live. The scorned her for not being happy and excepting her role like everyone else did. They scorned her for not changing if she was unhappy.

From some where beyond, she scorned them for staying the same.

The tragic story started when she was just a little girl. Her mother was a technician engineer and bio-chemist for Eva at the German branch of NERV in the early production days. She was really big on her work and often left Asuka unattended at home from working late and not having much time for anything else. After awhile of working there, Sohryu was transferred from engineer to test pilot. It was then her job to be the one to play the role of the pilot during test activations, but not the real pilot. During her first test activation, an accident occured, and the Eva went berserk. Even though it was not her fault, she blamed it on herself, and she went insane.
They put her into the NERV hospital, secluded from other beings. Asuka came to visit her every day after school. Kyouko's guilt for neglecting Asuka for so long of a time grew and grew. She eventually decided that she was so worthless that she should stop even caring about her own daghter. From then on, she stopped taking care of Asuka and completley neglected her. In fact, she even bought a doll, and named it Asuka, to replace her real child. She addressed the real Asuka as "that girl over there". It wasn't really that she actually disliked Asuka or anything, it was just that she felt she was too worthless and terrible to care for a real child, and that's why she got the doll. Still, every day Asuka would go to the hospital room to see her mother, just to be ignored again.

NERV then tested Asuka as means of replacing Kyouko. It was finnally decided that Asuka was good enough to be an Evangelion pilot, even at this early age. She was to pilot Eva Unit-02. As soon as she heard the news, she ran home to tell her Mother.

"Mama, they chose me! I'm an elite pilot now. I am the best in the whole world! I must keep this a secret, but I'll only tell you Mama. Everybody's so nice to me now. I don't feel lonely anymore. I'm okay now, even without papa. Look at me, look at me Mama. LOOK MAMA!"

But when she got back to the hospital and saw her Mom, she was hanging by the neck from the ceiling, and the doll was sitting next to her, beheaded. Asuka knew that her Mom always wanted to die with her daughter, and it seemed that Asuka was replaced as a daughter by a doll. As Asuka later observed, she looked peaceful and happy in death. Asuka went to live with her father and stepmother, but she and her stepmother could not treat one another as mother and daughter. Her stepmother found Asuka's behavior to be adult, and refused to act as her mother. Her father was unable to help them reconcile. Because of all the times he had not been present in Asuka's life, she was not fond of him, either. She also did not want to be treated as a child; she'd spent too much time as an imitiation of an adult.

Asuka knew what happened and that it would affect her for the rest of her life, so she made a life-long commitment to forget all her bad memories and to never cry again. She had forget about it, and move on and pilot Eva. In fact, that's all she had left in her life, Unit-02. She always stayed better at everything than everybody else. In addition to hiding her memories of her childhood from everyone, she also hid them from herself. She acted as if it never happened. She matured very quickly, She was always happy and optimistic (to herself, anyway). And she seemed to be the only pilot that actually enjoyed piloting her Eva. When you look at her, and then look at Shinji, you can tell all the differences in their feelings toward piloting an Eva and saving mankind. She treasured her title as the "2nd Child", because this gave her a meaning, and not "that girl over there." Asuka was bold, lively, arrogant, obnoxious, and had a lot of pride. this is only because of her past, she didnt want to be another failure because in a sense it felt that thats the only thing she had.

ANother one of your alter egos popping up again, morgan? you really should keep the evil/distainful/depressed one from taking control... it's not good for your work ethic

Hey, I get it out and then it goes away.

Gwen, you're so mean to me!!! 😢

Closing her eyes, she could see the light, frozen in your memory. And at that moment all time stopped, but consciosness remained. The world was fire and ice, earth and air, all and gone as one and same. What is soul? It was drifting here and past, all around... This her one last chance. To far gone to go back, onward driven to remain. Pain? What is pain? Joy? What is joy? She knew only that existance, never brief, never long. One moment. One time. Gone. Then with one hand she reached out, took her spirit and moved on. The world is to great a place to waste drifting inbetween.

Elsa's real father left her Mother when she was a baby. Her Mother remarried before she was 2 years old. Her relationship with her step-father was good. He was kind, gentle, funny, and made her feel safe.

But, her 2 older sisters remembered their real Dad...even though he was an alcoholic and often mistreated their mother...he was always good to 'his girls'! So, they missed him and the toys he would bring home out of guilt for having been on a binge and away for so long...

They compared their fathers and felt their step-Dad always fell short of what he should be...

They told stories of their Hero Father to Elsa...and how much they hated the step-Father. He had done nothing wrong in Elsa's eyes...but, how could her beloved sisters be wrong??

So, she listens to her sisters...

He becomes the enemy..

She learns to hate and distrust men...

"filling her ears with vemonous whispers... that which once was revered has turned foul"

Doomed
?You can?t do that you?ll kill us all!? An angry face pushed open the door that had just been slammed in her nose. She strode in ready to kill something, or she wished she could. He made her so frustrated with his stubbornness!
He whirled around to meet her, his face the same infuriated red shade as hers. ?There is no way I?ll ever swear allegiance to that fiend of a false king! I would rather die!?
?Well and good then, die you shall! But to hell if you think you?re going to kill me too!?
?My lady you ask too much of me.?
?Is it too much to ask for my life??
?Certainly not, you don?t have to plead with me! Go through yourself at that blood-sucking hell hound on the throne and beg for mercy! Go on, do it! Then lets see how you feel, all shamed and honor less at his feet, because that is what you ask me to do! I will never, do you understand me? Never surrender!?
?Why? Why keep up this futile rebellion? What?s the good of it all??
?I rebel? I?m sorry, my lady, did you just accuse me of rebelling?? He said the words as if he could taste there bitterness. ?I am the only one still loyal to the true king! Not his murderer who they put up in his place!?
?But you are the rebel now. You are the one standing against the order of the kingdom. Do you think they recognize this resistance as a last stand for justice in an honorable man? NO! No, no, no, no! ! ! They see you as the honor less enemy who won?t be worth saving as they butcher all his subjects!?
His eyes turned dangerous, but she didn?t have enough time to duck before he hit her with enough force to knock her to her knees. She felt the tears rising in her eyes because she knew that to try and argue him out of this futility was but a futile act in itself. They would all die because of it. The man he called the false king was not in the least a forgiving man. She knew that by continuing his resistance, her husband, her honor-bound righteous husband was sealing their dooms, and there was nothing she could do to stop him. Maybe it was their destiny to die this way, but she felt very cheated out of life. To hell with his honor! Is it still honor if he gets so many innocent people killed because of it? Wouldn?t it be more honorable for her husband to just swear allegiance and save their lives?
But no, he never would. They would die for his stubbornness, and some day a bard would sing of their tragedy in some romantic tale which people would listen to and wonder at the honor and bravery of those involved. And it was utter nonsense.
The tears refused to stop because for all that she had always known that being a noblewoman would mean following your husband faithfully wherever he went like some mindless little dog, she felt like she deserved more. She didn?t even have any children. Maybe if there were children he would stop this stupid war. The fact that she was pregnant suddenly gave her hope. Maybe if she told him, he would care about something enough to want to live to protect it. She hadn?t wanted to get his hopes up; she had wanted to wait and be sure; she had already miscarried one. He would be so disappointed . . . Again, and she loved him too much to see that in his face, especially now when he was fighting this stupid futile war.
It wasn?t fair! She knew that she should consider herself lucky that he honored her the way that he did. Most noblewomen didn?t even get that out of their arranged marriages. She should be happy that she wasn?t married of to some lord three times her age. But she couldn?t help wishing that he loved her instead of just honoring her. She wished he loved her like she loved him, and that she knew was a futile wish.
?That will be quite enough out of you, you insolent cookiemonster! Didn?t your mother ever teach you manners? No leave me and never speak to me of this again!?
His words knives to her ears and stabbed her heart. He had no idea of the sacrifices she had to make in