Rules for Disengagement

Hi guys, now I need some practical hints and tips on how to "disengage" from a relationship. Mr. Virgo returns from his country back home after a month next week and it is my plan to leave him - he has hurt me much. Anyway, I have done a few of the usual things...i.e. made a list of his bad points, failings, of the times he made me cry, thrown out some of his junk jewellery he gave me (but her has kept his good stuff - oh my monetary heart!!), have deleted his photos from my cell phone, and have a plan of revenge for the eventual ending....but sometimes the lovely, good times come back to my mind and I find myself waning a little and perhaps-ing!!! but I will not go there....so any more tips for heart-ousting!! would be appreciated. Probably sound like a cold-hearted b.i.t.c.h. - but deep down I'm not - just hurt to the core.
Alana x

I think....the greatest 'revenge' is to show him that you are ok, healthy and happy (whether that be the case or no). Tell him how he has hurt you, pity him, and thank him for all the good times, AND the bad ones b/c through the whole experience you have learnt and come out a better person and NOW you KNOW you deserve better and know what NOT to go out with in the future.

Anything petty you may do may not have the effect you think on him. Don't lose any dignity...show him you are a better person.

P.S. Virgo males all have one thing in common.....they never look back... So choose what you do carefully as it will all just wash off his back as he is walking away from you.

Hey thanks to both you lawgoddess and you aprilbabe for the advice.....:-) So sorry you are hurting Aprilbabe.....hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

In my case, there isn't actually any other woman involved - maybe it would be easier if there was!!!

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the revenge weekend ahead...and how to handle it.....I have three choices. I can go down there screaming and shouting, I can be the cookiemonster or I can be the dignified lady!!!! I've decided the screaming and shouting are out!!!! It's gonna be the dignifed lady bit!!, with dashings of cookiemonsteriness thrown in for good measure at the end!! I'm gonna go down to his house on the Saturday nite....pretend all is fine, oh my god delighted to see him back from Greece etc. - I am gonna stay over as usual...I am gonna f.uck him left right and centre all nite long and one more time in the early morning and then give him the best BJ he's ever gonna have in his life. After that I am gonna get up and shower, dolly myself up, put on my make-up and best clothes and go back to his bedroom...important that he still in the bed and I standing up (power thing!!).....then out of the blue!!I am going to tell him all the unacceptable things he did to me before he went away, the lies about money, the meanness about christmas presnts (this guy has major gambling problem)....(too detailed to go into here), his lack of feeling for others but himself and his selfishness - I am gonna say all this very quietly and calmly and be as candid as I can. Then to end it all I am gonna say..so guess what......I told you once before I come second to nobody, to never underestimate me and if you ever f..ucked with me, I would f..uck you left, right and centre and leave you on the floor!!!!. so now that's what I am doing ..I am finsihing with you and am walking away from you....no tears good-bye, no regrets.....I'm not going to wait for any replies from him...at that point, I will pick up my bag, say thanks for the good times!!! and get out of his apartment as quick as possible......I was going to attack his bed-room skills but to be honest, that would cut to the core and I'm not that bad really - plus to be more honest.....he's so dam hot in bed, he's still my no. 1 fantasy.....
Perhaps Lawgoddess is right and he will never look back ....but I can guarantee you one thing Aprilbabe......he ain't ever gonna forget me "in his life-time!!!!"

I have a ps. too - you know the tip - the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one asap....well I did that too the last two weeks....and it's turned out magically for the moment.....he's a Mr. Aries and he's just so so so good and nice and everything opposite Mr. Virgo. So my rose-tinted glasses are back on....he knows about Mr. Virgo too - for once I was honest and told him that technically till this week-end I am still with Mr. Virgo!! He accepted this and knows the score.......oh I think I am falling...falling again....:-)

Chin up April Babe - revenge is sweet, so sweet, well for me as an aquairian anyway:-)

P.S. God, reading the above now sounds very harsh and just so not-me-ish!!! But I suppose as Kirsty McColl sings "Treachery made a monster out of me". Before I actually say what I have to say to Mr. Ponytail, I know I will have to psyche myself up mentally, physically, emotionally for about half an hour at least!! I am fine when I start to deliver and I can deliver quite eloquently I suppose. But after leaving the house, I know I will collapse into a puddle and cry me a river for so long that day - it will be tears of a mixture of tension, anger, relief, hurt, lost moments, - all those uugh feelings that come when you know you've just lost the love of your life....but that's the way it has to be coz that's just the way it's got to be.
Alana x

I think your 'plan' is wonderful. Hope it all goes well and you are ok afterwards. Maybe through this you will feel empowerment and not be as upset as you imagine you will be.

Thanks for the encouragement girls....all last nite on the way home from work, I began to feel guiltier and guiltier and jittery at the thought of "the plan" and was it too harsh, cruel etc.?? I actually had butterflies in my stomach and felt real nervous.

Last nite I couldn't sleep - I awoke at 4 - however, the plan still goes ahead!!!! But for about an hour, I chose to remember all the good times we had together.....it dissipated lots of my bitterness and hardness towards Mr. Virgo Ponytail.....like the time he stayed up holding me in his arms all nite when I was sick coughing up blood, the nice dinners he always cooked for me, how even in the most heated of arguments when I was shouting and throwing a tantrum, he never once raised his voice to me...never once - albeit the argument would have started because of his hyper-criticism towards some small flaw he saw in me!!!....and even in the headiest of arguments, he always called me honey...he'd say for f.ck sake honey, what are you talking about!!!??...after an argument he would never hold grudges for more than 5 minutes....he'd be over trying to make me laugh and cajole with him and wrapping his arms round me while I tried to keep him in the freezer zone!!.....how he slept wrapped round me like a baby all nite long...most men roll over after wham bam - he never - if you were in his bed, you were in his arms the whole time....how he would suddenly stare into my eyes with the big beautiful virgo eyes and could keep staring forever...I used find it too intense and honest a moment almmost.......how he used lie with his head on my lap every nite watching tv and I'd just massage his beautiful mane!!!!........

MISTY WATERED COLOURED MEMORIES!!!!

However, then the bad times became too many....there were more bad than good....too may dips as opposed to the highs.....too many tears and bad talk rather than smiles and happy talk...too much deceit with MONEY.

He's due back today....just half an hour ago I got 2 calls from italy on my cell-phone - means he's in his brother's and will fly back from there to Dublin in a few hours time.....I didn't answer the calls......but still felt nervous at seeing the number (remember he hasn't called me once since he left Ireland over 3 weeks ago!!!) - he may sense there's something up - my voicemail has a themesong in the background where the lady is singing - "so it's all over now, you've seen the last of me...etc. etc."!!!

Anyway, onwards and upwards through the fog:-)!!!!

Alana xxx

I can so feel for you, Alana. I understand the desire to get revenge, too. I'm not sure I'd actually carry through on it, but I'd want to. I sure hope that whatever you decide to do or not do, you're happy with the final result. Just stick to what you know is right; if you know he isn't right for you, don't talk yourself out of that. I think if he's put you through all this tearful misery, no matter how good the good times WERE, then he needs to stay away. I always kind of think that if another person is even capable of making me feel that horrible and actually succeeds in making me feel that bad, then that right there is all the proof I need that they would eventually, somehow someway hurt me to an unforgivable level.

Good luck.

You're totally NOT the only one. lol. Soooo been there. 🙂

Just to keep you updated A.bab and LawGoddess etc. - well I did it. I finished with Mr. Virgo after year and half last sunday morning to be precise. As you know, there was revenge in my heart, anger, hurt etc. all those uugh feelings...I was going to do this, that and t'other to him and flounce out!!! Well it didn't quite happen in that manner and I am thankful for that. I did go down the nite before - he was there with his pals, got a nice welcome from him and everyone - just let him talk about his experinces etc. Everyone had a lot to drink and we eventually retired and I stayed overnite - I lay in his arms for the last time....the next morning went to plan - I woke up early - for a few minutes I just watched the beautiful face lying beside me for the last time (and truly it is beautiful)- we made love and I gave him his B.J.!!!:-)..then he actually got up first so anyway I followed and he began to tell me all about his time away with his family etc. He put his arms round me as he was telling me all this and rubbed my back and I played with his pony-tail for the last time!! His eyes were all lit up talking about it and his face shiny and happy..I thought to myself I still have to end it but I have to be dignifed about it. Even though he has hurt me he is truly "a good man" - just the gambling got the better of him in the end. Eventually I asked him could I see him in his bedroom for a talk. We went to the bedroom - I wanted to stand when telling him but he insisted that I sit beside hiim on the bed....so I said maybe you alreay know what I want to say to you...he said no...and then went silent....and so I began to tell him about the things he had done before ee went away that had hurt....(there were roughgly 5 or 6 major incidents) - plus the fact he never rang for over 3 weeks while away...he interjected immeidalitaly saing - oh he had tried lots of times etc. coldn't get through....he went silent again and so did I....then I just put my hand on his knee...and said....N. because of all this and how hurt I feel, I am finsihing with you today, now. He just stared at me and began to shake his head.....I could see the eyes begin to moisten - I said - don't cry - give me a kiss and he did - then I put my arm round his houslder and told him what a wonderful guy he was in mnay ways, all the great times we had had together and a special thanks for his biggest gift to me and that was how he leant me to talk from my heart....again he just kept staring....I didn't give him any more time to talk...I just got up....and he walked me to the door...at the door I said to him - N. we will always be friends always, if you want....just not lovers...this is where the story ends. Again we kissed and as I walked down the steps I looked round like I always did and blew him a kiss and he blew one back...then I turned and started walking...I looked back one last time and he was still standing at the door just looking but I just kept on going. I got in my taxi and went home......to be honest I was just numb...for a while.....I went out drinking with friends....drinking to much..then I began to get texts from Mr. Virgo's cousin aksing why, why, why.....and then the phone rang and it was Mr. Virgo asking how I am, etc. He rang about 10 times that day and nite, asking to talk, trying to explain, saying everyone makes mistakes etc. - I could tell he was getting drunker with each phone call. Kpet asking me to think again. All this was happening that nite while I was out with Mr. Aries (new guy). Naturally he was not too impressed or pleased that I am still talkign to Mr. Virgo.....anyway, I got too drunk that nite also and when I got to mr. Aries and we were in bed, seemingly all I kept calling hiim was Mr. Virgo's name the whole time and I mean the WHOLE TIME. How embarrassing and asahmed I flet the next morning he told me that...I apologized profusely.....the story doesn't end there but have to go now as boss around.....
Alana x

Alana, I can imagine how hard it was to say goodbye to him. Sometimes the heart & soul want to stay, while the rational mind knows what the most intelligent course of action really is. I think once you get to the point that your head is no longer muddled by the intense love/passion etc, and if at that point your head is telling you to move away from this person (figuratively, but also literally speaking)...then you've reached your conclusion. I don't think anyone is even capable of leaving someone who's not good for them when their head is still swimming with passionate love. I think people have to get past that stage before they "realize" what the reality is of the situation they're in. You can't really be rational or level-headed at any other point in the relationship. Or at least, not before the initial intensity has calmed down. I think you should read Aprilbaby's post about learning lessons about love, etc. I found it to be pretty comforting.

I haaaaaate saying goodbye to people, even in the past with men I knew were absolutely horrible for me, I still had a hard time making that final decision to cut the ties. It takes a lot to get me there, but once I'm there, that's it. Which is why I'm so afraid of people pushing me to that point...because I know that when I say goodbye, it's forever. Anyway, just wanted to let you know our thoughts are with you, and to wish you well. Let us know what happens from here.

Hey Phoenix Rising...thank you for that posting, thank you from my heart....I can see you are a wise wise owl on the love-front, especially about heart, soul, passion stuff - very well said and eloquently. And yes I have read Aprilbaby's posting and it certainly is lovely, lovely and food for thought.

There have been a few developments even since then.

One is I decided to finish it with Mr. Aries. Although he was wonderful in lots of ways, very romantic, exciting, enthusiastic, upfront, generous, considerate....really exceptionally so - and I had a fantastic 2-3 weeks with him, I began to find him very intense and clingy - plus also the fear factor kicked in - how could I feel so good with a new guy so soon after Mr. Virgo and - I got all mixed up as to how I was feeling. As you know, being aquarian, it takes me a while to "grow into" a person and I don't like to be depended on by anybody or for anyone to be a cling-on and want to be with me 24-7. I've got to be free to flit here and there and be with who I like, when I likie and it was becoming more difficult for me to do this!!!! or I don't want to be the only available source!!! And even though he said to forget about me calling him the wrong name etc. in bed, and that we start afresh...I felt I hurt him alot. So on Tuesday I met him for lunch - he was all talk about us going to buy his friend a present together and going to a party later.....so I went to the toilet, took a deep breath, marched upstairs to him and sat down calmly and said S. I have to talk to you for something. I told him that I needed time and space to think what I really wanted and where I was going - that things were happening too fast and that I was afraid - not quite sure of what!!! He went silent and was very upset - and then asked if he had done something wrong...again I repeated I needed "Alana time".......Unfortuanately, he said it didn't matter how long it would take for me to make up my mind that he would wait forever!!!! There was awkward silence and I just took his hand and we kissed and he left.....however ever since he's been texting and ringing and declaring undying love - any other girl (or most others I am sure) would love all the whirlwind romance stuff but I just want to be left alone now but find it so hard to tell him because he's just too dam nice!!!

Anyway, that's Mr. Aries for you.

There's more on Mr. Virgo, much more!!! but fill you in on that tomoro if I can as again the boss is hovering!!!!

Alana x