The Simpson's Songs

Bart the General {rc}
Bart: I got a B in arithmetic.
Army: I got a B in arithmetic.
Bart: Would have got an A but I was sick.
Army: Would have got an A but I was sick.

Bart: We are rubber, you are glue.
Army: We are rubber, you are glue.
Bart: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
Army: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
Bart: Sound off.
Army: One! Two!
Bart: Sound off!
Army: Three!! Four!!

Bart: In English class I did the best.
Army: In English class I did the best.
Bart: Because I cheated on the test.
Army: Because I cheated on the test.
Bart: Sound off.
Army: One! Two!
Bart: I can't hear you!
Army: Three!! Four!!

Bart: We are happy, we are merry.
Army: We are happy, we are merry.
Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary.
Army: We got a rhyming dictionary.
Bart: Sound off.
Army: One! Two!
Bart: One more time!
Army: Three! Four!
Bart: Bring it on home now!
Army: One! Two! Three! Four!
One! Two! ... Three-Four!

Second Grade Blues {rc}
Murphy: Oh, I'm so lonely,
Since my baby left me.
I got no money,
And nothing is free.
Oh, I've been so alone
Since the day I was born.
All I got is this rusty,
This rusty old horn.
Lisa: I got a bratty brother.
He bugs me everyday.
And this morning my own mother,
Gave my last cupcake away.
My Dad acts like he belongs,
He belongs in the zoo.
I'm the sa-a-a-addest kid,
In gra-a-a-de number two.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer (Simpson version) {cb}

All: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glows.
Bart: Like a light bulb!
Homer: Bart!

All: All of the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names.
Lisa: Like Schnozzola!
Homer: Lisa!

All: They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any reindeer games.
Bart: Like strip poker!
Homer: I'm warning you two!

All: Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
Marge: Take it Homer!

Homer: Err... Rudolph, get your nose over here,
So you can guide my sleigh... today.
Grampa: Oh, Homer...

All: Then all the reindeer loved him,
And they shouted out with glee:
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
You'll go down in history!
Bart: Like Attila the H- ugh, urk!
Homer: You little... grrrr!

Lisa's Birthday Song {rc}
(As performed during the show, with piano and percussion🙂

Michael: Lisa, it's your birthday.
God bless you this day.
You gave me the gift of a little sister,
And I'm proud of you today.

Michael and Bart: Lisa, it's your birthday.
Happy birthday, Lisa.
Lisa, it's your birthday.
Happy birthday, Lisa.

Michael: I wish you love and good will.
I wish you peace and joy.
Bart: I wish you better than your heart desires.
Michael: And your first kiss from a boy.

Michael and Bart: Lisa, it's your birthday.
Happy birthday, Lisa.
Lisa, it's your birthday.
Happy birthday, Lisa.

Bart: Yeah!

As performed over the credits, with full musical back-up:
Michael and Bart: Lisa, it's your birthday.
Happy birthday, Lisa.
Lisa, it's your birthday.
Happy birthday, Lisa.

Michael: I wish you love and good will.
I wish you peace and joy.
Bart: I wish you better than your heart desires.
Michael: And your first kiss from a boy.

Michael and Bart: Lisa, it's your birthday.
Happy birthday, Lisa.
Lisa, it's your birthday.
Happy birthday, Lisa.

Bart: Take it away, Lis.
(Lisa does a saxophone solo)

Michael and Bart: Lisa, it's your birthday.

(Lisa plays some more)

Michael and Bart: Happy birthday, Lisa.

Michael: Hoo!

Tribute to Mr. Burns
Smithers: There is a man,
Chorus: There is a man!
Smithers: A certain man,
Chorus: A certain man!
Smithers: A man whose grace and handsome face
are known across the land.
You know his name,
Chorus: You know his name!
Smithers: It's Mr. Burns,
Chorus: It's Mr. Burns!
Smithers: He loves a smoke, enjoys a joke,
Burns & Chorus: Ah ha ha ha!
Smithers: Why he's worth ten times what he earns.
Chorus: He's Mr. Burns!
Burns: I'm Mr. Burns!
Smithers: He's Monty Burns!
Burns: I'm MR. Burns!
Smithers & Chorus: To friends he's known as Monty
but to you it's Mr. Burns!
Smithers: Bur-bur-bur-bur-Burns.
Burns: Burns!

Monorail {rc}
Lyle Lanley: Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail!
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty+Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
[crowd chants `Monorail' softly and rhythmically]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud...
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Abe: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
All: Monorail!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken...
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
All: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
[big finish]
Monorail!
Homer: Mono... D'oh!

Lisa's Protest Song
Lisa: Come gather 'round children,
It's high time ye learned,
'Bout a hero named Homer
And a devil named Burns.

We'll march till we drop,
The girls and the fellas,
We'll fight till the death
Or else fold like umbrellas.

(later)

So we'll march day and night,
By the big cooling tower,
They have the plant,
But we have the power.

Whacking Day Hymn
Chorus: O whacking day, o whacking day,
Our hallowed snake-skull cracking day.
Soprano: We'll break their backs,
Gouge out their eyes,
Their evil hearts,
We'll pulverise.
Chorus: O whacking day, o whacking day,
May God bestow His grace on thee.

Springfield, Springfield {jc}
Bart: OK, we're young, rich, and full of sugar.
What do we do?
Milhouse: [yelling] Let's go crazy, Broadway style !
Both: [singing]
Springfield, Springfield, it's a hell of a town:
The schoolyard's up and the shopping mall's down.
The stray dogs go to the animal pound,
Bart: Springfield, Springfield!
Milhouse: Springfield, Springfield!
Sailor: New York, New York!
Bart: New York is that-a-way, man!
Sailor: Thanks, kid!
Both: [singing] It's a hell of a...toooown!

Who need the Kwik-E-Mart? {jc}
Apu: You see, whether igloo, hut, or lean-to, or a geodesic
dome, There's no structure I have been to, which I'd
rather call my home.

When I first arrived, you were all such jerks,
But now I've come to looooooove your quirks.

Maggie with her eyes so bright,
Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright,
Lisa can philosophise, Bart's adept at spinning lies,
Homer's a delightful fella, sorry 'bout the salmonella.
Homer: Heh heh, that's OK.

Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Now here comes the tricky part.
Oh, won't you rhyme with me?
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are stick-E-Mart,
Lisa: They made Dad sick-E-Mart,
Bart: Let's hurl a brick-E-Mart,
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'oh!

OFF: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...[held for next three lines]
OFF: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart,
Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart,
Who needs the Kwik-E-mart?
Apu: Not me.

We do! (The Stonecutters Song)
NOTE: This is the version sung during the drinking scene; the version over the closing credits changes "Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?" to "Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?"

The characters named beneath sing their lines over the voices of everyone else singing the line.

All: Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!

Karl: Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Lenny: Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
Alien: We do! We do!

All: Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star?
We do! We do!

Skinner: Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Homer: Who rigs every Oscar night?
All: We do! We do!

2F31 Moe Better Booze

See My Vest
Burns: Some men hunt for sport,
Others hunt for food,
The only thing I'm hunting for,
Is an outfit that looks good...

See my vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better,
Than authentic Irish setter.

See this hat, 'twas my cat,
My evening wear - vampire bat,
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino.

Grizzly bear underwear,
Turtles' necks, I've got my share,
Beret of poodle, on my noodle
It shall rest,

Try my red robin suit,
It comes one breast or two,
See my vest, see my vest,
See my vest.

Like my loafers? Former gophers -
It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo
Would be best,

So let's prepare these dogs,
Mrs. Potts: Kill two for matching clogs,
Burns: See my vest, see my vest,
Oh please, won't you see my vest.

The Spring In Springfield
Homer: You could close down Moe's,
Or the Kwik-E-Mart,
And nobody would care,
But the heart and soul
Of Springfield's in
Our Maison Derriere!

(music starts)

Belle: We're the sauce on your steak,
We're the cheese in your cake,
We put the spring in Springfield.
Dancing Girl 1: We're the lace on the nightgown,
Dancing Girl 2: The point after touchdown,
Belle and Dancing Girls: Yes we put the spring in Springfield.

Belle: We're that little extra spice
That makes existence extra-nice,
A giddy little thrill
At a reasonable price.
Lovejoy: Our only major quarrel's
With your total lack of morals.
Dancing Girl 3: Our skimpy costumes ain't so bad,
Dancing Girl 4: They seem to entertain your dad!

Belle and Dancing Girls: The gin in your martini,
The clams on your linguine,
Yes we keep the
(Belle flicks Bumblebee Man's antenna)
In Springfield!

Wiggum, Krusty, and Skinner: We remember our first visit,
Mayor Quimby: The service was exquisite!
Mrs Quimby: Why Joseph, I had no idea!
Mayor Quimby: Come on now, you were working here!
Grampa and Jasper: Without it we'd have had no fun
Since March of 1961!
Bart: To shut it down now would be twisted,
Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney: We just heard this place existed!

Dancing Girls: We're the highlights in your hairdo,
Apu: The extra arms on Vishnu,
Dancing Girls: So don't take the
(Barney opens a Krusty-in-the-box)
Mob: We won't take the
(Sideshow Mel blows on his slide-whistle)
Everyone: Yes let's keep the
(Moe crashes two garbage can lids together)
In Springfield!

Krusty hits his face with a pie, Willy accidentally hits Lenny in the head with a sledgehammer, Wiggum and the Comic Book Guy bounce their bellies together, Burns honks the horn on his antique car, Cap'n MacAllister reels in a fish, and Barney burps.

Cut Every Corner
Shary: If there's a task that must be done,
Don't turn your tail and run,
Don't pout, don't sob,
Just do a half-assed job!

If... you... cut every corner
It is really not so bad,
Everybody does it,
Even mom and dad.
If nobody sees it,
Then nobody gets mad,
Bart: It's the American way!

Shary: The policeman on the beat
Needs some time to rest his feet.
Chief Wiggum: Fighting crime is not my cup of tea!
Shary: And the clerk who runs the store
Can charge a little more
For meat!
Apu: For meat!
Shary: And milk!
Apu: And milk!
Both: From 1984!

Shary: If... you... cut every corner,
You'll have more time for play,
Shary & OFF: It's the American waaaaay!

"All in the Family" Parody {jo}, {st}
Homer: Oy, the way the Bee Gee's played,
Marge: Movies John Travolta made,
Homer: Guessing how much Elvis weighed,
Homer & Marge: Those were the days!
Marge: And you knew where you were then,
Homer: Watching shows like "Gentle Ben",
Homer & Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!
Homer: Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac,
Marge: Coming out of my eight-track,
Homer & Marge: Michael Jackson still was black, those were the days!
[later]
Homer: Bart was feeling mighty blue
Marge: I'ts a shame what school can do
Apu: For no reason, here's Apu
All: Those were the days!

Canyonero {jr}
Can you name the truck with four wheel drive,
smells like a steak and seats thirty-five..

Canyonero! Canyonero!

Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down,
It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown!

Canyonero! (Yah!) Canyonero!
[Krusty:] Hey Hey

The Federal Highway comission has ruled the
Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.

Canyonero!

12 yards long, 2 lanes wide,
65 tons of American Pride!

Canyonero! Canyonero!

Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!

Canyonero! Canyonero! (Yah!)

She blinds everybody with her super high beams,
She's a squirrel crushing, deer smacking, driving machine!

Canyonero!-oh woah, Canyonero! (Yah!)

Drive Canyonero!

Woah Canyonero!

Woah!

The Garbage Man Can {em}
Homer : Who can take your trash out?
Stomp it down for you?
Shake the plastic bag and do the twisty thingy-doo?
The Garbage Man!

Trash Men : Yes the Garbage Man Can!

Homer + Trash Men : The Garbage Man can
And he does it with a smile
And never judges you.

Marge : Who can take this diaper?

Trash Man : I don't mind at all!

Chief Wiggum : Who can clean me up before the big policeman's ball?
The Garbage Maaaaan!

Trash Men : Yes the Garbage Man can.

U2 : The sanitation folks
Are jolly friendly blokes.
Courteous and easy-going

The Edge : They'll mop up when you're oh-

U2 and Trash Men : -ver flowin'!

Bono : And tell you when your arse is showing'!

Apu : Who can?
Sideshow Mel : Who can?
Ned Flanders : Who can?
Oscar : Who can?

All : The Garbage Man can!

Bart and Lisa : Coz he's Homer Simpson, man!

All : He cleans the world....for....you!

[crowd cheers]

Glove Slap {bjr}
B-52s: [to the tune of "Love Shack"]
A glove slap in a little old face will
Get you satisfaction.
Glove slap ba-a-beee ...
(Glove slap, baby)
Glove slap, baby, glove slap!
Glove slap, I don't take crap!
Glove slap, shut your big yap.

The following lyrics are heard over the end credits:
B-52s: [to the tune of "Love Shack"]
Glove slap, shut your big yap.
(Oooh, glove baby, that's where it's at. Yeah!)
(Glove, baby, give it a... )