I am officially a mess

In September I had a health scare and thought I was about to die

Last Saturday night a motor cycle came flying towards my car from an on coming lane where there was a car accident. Since I was coming from a light that just turned green, I was slow enough to avoid it hitting me

Since the health scare, I have been more deliberate and cautious. I've devoted more energy into my career. I have spent better time with my children. I rekindled romantic feelings for my ex and started talking to him more. We made plans to visit and spend time with our children for Christmas. He admitted to sleeping with someone and essentially, I shut down talking about us romantically. We don't talk with the frequency or fervor we had a month ago. To be honest, if it wasn't for our daughters, I wouldn't go because of the way we are communicating.

I feel soo emotional. Between my disappointment with my situation with him, the actual stress of my job and managing clients, I feel like a huge cloud of doubt and insecurity welling up inside of me. I'm excited, scared, crying and generally feel like I should have done better with my life. I'm about to be 40 and I haven't been particularly good at relationships including with my family. I feel a huge amount of self doubt and while knowing it's not someone else's responsibility to love or nurture me; that all I want and I don't know who or where to ask for it. I hate feeling weak and vulnerable but only because it has never resulted in being taken care of. Even with my mother, it seemed like a burden to love and care for me. I've created this self sufficient/reliant life, I don't want and I don't know how to trust people or my judgement enough to get out of it

When I get like this I do pray.

Maybe pray, stay strong, move forward slowly, take it day by day, and think about the happy times with people you do actually love. Think about all the accomplishment you over came through your experience in life. Life has a way to present itself, a wideopen eyes wide open type.

Don't worry even if you there is one person that's going to say everything is going to be okay and we got to stick together, whoosh. And smile for the things that happened bad or good.

Guess what you can continue being the good person you are, continue shrug it off I know it sucks or let people go that aren't on your level of respect or trust.

Posted by livictori
In September I had a health scare and thought I was about to die

Last Saturday night a motor cycle came flying towards my car from an on coming lane where there was a car accident. Since I was coming from a light that just turned green, I was slow enough to avoid it hitting me

Since the health scare, I have been more deliberate and cautious. I've devoted more energy into my career. I have spent better time with my children. I rekindled romantic feelings for my ex and started talking to him more. We made plans to visit and spend time with our children for Christmas. He admitted to sleeping with someone and essentially, I shut down talking about us romantically. We don't talk with the frequency or fervor we had a month ago. To be honest, if it wasn't for our daughters, I wouldn't go because of the way we are communicating.

I feel soo emotional. Between my disappointment with my situation with him, the actual stress of my job and managing clients, I feel like a huge cloud of doubt and insecurity welling up inside of me. I'm excited, scared, crying and generally feel like I should have done better with my life. I'm about to be 40 and I haven't been particularly good at relationships including with my family. I feel a huge amount of self doubt and while knowing it's not someone else's responsibility to love or nurture me; that all I want and I don't know who or where to ask for it. I hate feeling weak and vulnerable but only because it has never resulted in being taken care of. Even with my mother, it seemed like a burden to love and care for me. I've created this self sufficient/reliant life, I don't want and I don't know how to trust people or my judgement enough to get out of it

Sigh* unfortunately I really really late to this post ...I have hard time with relationships as well a more accurate statement I have given up on love altogher and plan on focus on my career in hopes of making something of myself ...

My point to all that is you arent alone!

As regards to the Scorpio I'm sorry I know you were really excited about rekindling what you had ...is there anyway you could move past what he did?

I hope things get better for you

With him, I know we will either have a conversation or ignore the topic all together at least for the next 10 years again. I don't like it being open ended and I feel reaching out to him to discuss would be annoying for the both of us. He knows when we're coming and where we'll be, he will do whatever he wants and I've got to simply listen and respond. He's living an entire life up there and I think he's happy with it. We'll still parent the girls as they need

Not sure if it's all this death stuff, my 40th birthday or the fact the girls are becoming adults, I should have done more is all I keep thinking.

Not only am I more anxious but I also realize it's mercury retrograde and it will be so my entire vacation.

He imitated a conversation last week telling he he ended the "situation" with the other person which I said nothing to. I didn't and still don't know how to respond. I'm so confused and emotional.

Anyone have book suggestions? I normally listen to them while I'm driving

Posted by livictori
With him, I know we will either have a conversation or ignore the topic all together at least for the next 10 years again. I don't like it being open ended and I feel reaching out to him to discuss would be annoying for the both of us. He knows when we're coming and where we'll be, he will do whatever he wants and I've got to simply listen and respond. He's living an entire life up there and I think he's happy with it. We'll still parent the girls as they need

Not sure if it's all this death stuff, my 40th birthday or the fact the girls are becoming adults, I should have done more is all I keep thinking.

Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself. Pray or mediate. Take a break from this man he is bringing a lot of negativity into your life. You are holding down a full time job which sounds demanding if you are managing clients plus raised two daughters....that is a lot. You are doing a lot. Try not to compare yourself with other people thst takes away from your peace and happiness.

Just take a deep breath, get some really good sleep, excercise, drink lots of water eat healthy. Focus on your job. Focus on your girls and be grateful.., you have what many people wish for. It's all perspective. Be well.

Thanks all. I do discuss this here and not with close friends. Because I want to vomit and acknowledge what I'm feeling/without with anonymity. But I do think about this situation incessantly.