Identity

I'm still in this funk about myself and identity. It's been gnawing at me for a while and I feel like I'm being torn apart by the two desires/forces in me. It's driving me crazy....when you want two things at once....hate, and love....good and evil....I don't know why I feel this way, but it's hell.....when you want to be with someone, and then you resent them and yourself for wanting to trust them, and letting your gaurd down, and then you feel like you've gotta be on the look out for anything they might throw at you....it really alters the nature of the relationship....you go from being lovers, to rivals.....I just wish I wasn't so damned paranoid/emotional!!!!!.

I've been fighting myself my whole life trying to get my emotions to not take a hold of me, so that I could survive, but I got lost in the 'survival mode' and now, I'm always wondering even about family if they're really loved ones, or enemies.....I now know just HOW emotional I can be....If I have no feelings for you you don't exist to me that's it.....if you don't really satisfy/excite some urge in me, you don't exist, and that makes me obessive towards the object of my affections....that's why I appear to be detatched, but really I'm not at all. I FEEL quite deeply but am not expressive of my feelings, becuase they strike me as an 'opening' for someone to attack me.....to which case I'll attack back and I do want to avoid the bullshit of having to go through something unecessary, so I try to be 'perfect' by hiding my feelings and everything else behind a perfect mask so no one, NO ONE can expose, hurt, or use me.

But more closer to the matter at hand, I feel so empty and torn.....I'm ALWAYS pissed off, even though I've learned to look placid and serene even though I'm pissed, I've always had great emotional and physical discipline, (thank god!) but now I just feel fucked up.... I'd like for some one to just look at me and say 'It's alright' I know, I'm getting soft, but I've never in my life, really cried to let it all out, and move on....I've been fixated on this stuff my whole life, and never really had someone to express it with. I was never afraid of my emotions, it was others who were.....I hate it when people say: 'oh! Virgos aren't emotional' Well, I am but I'm no softie either. I just don't know what to do, I feel lost and pissed off, and my stubborn ass pride, keeps me from opening up and asking for help! lol I'm one sick ass puppy....bottom line, fishes what do you do, when t

he....shit hits the fan? I don't really have anybody I can really share 'myself' with, and everyone around me is rather superficial, and I'm the one who gets assed out, becuase I actually do feel, and with all I've got....it's frustrating when you can't express yourself, and are forced to keep it all in.

I really don't like being or feeling indifference towards anything, becuase I don't feel like I'm actively engaged in life, and I feel like I'm not enjoying it. Hell, even when I'm sad I'm happy, becuase I can feel something....I've got alot of resilience so I rebound from alot of stuff that would depress alot of others.....but as of late, the bottles been lookin' pretty good! lol I don't know....eh...I'm being a bitch, I know, I just need a place to crash land, and there's nothing like the ocean....so I came to the fish again....

"I've never in my life, really cried to let it all out, and move on....I've been fixated on this stuff my whole life"


Maybe this is your answer, VE .. to let it out, wash the anguish away. Crying is good for the soul. It doesn't have to mean you're weak in any way .. it just means you allow yourself to feel, feel it as it cleanses the grief out of you .. then maybe you won't feel like you have to be fixated on it .. because it's gone, out.

you may be right....but P, a man has his pride you know? I think that was the main reason I kept my feelings hidden from myself in the first place....in a sick/sad way, I was brought up to resent my feelings, (and I did, but I loved them too....that only brought on a DEEP form of emotional ambivalence that runs vertically through each level of my subconscious, so I feel one thing and it's other.....like love and hate) basically hack off a substantial part of my being....now, I'm FULLY engaing the part of myself that was lost....comming into contact with my 'other' half and honestly, I'm pissed (it's the only feeling a man is allowed to be in the social hierarchy of alpha males....In the masculine world P, you're either a shark, or a minnow...not much flexibility, or room for debate is there?) that no one let me just be myself....there is a DEEP sense of instability in me, and I'm figuritively jumping off walls fighting myself to keep it in....I want to express it with someone, but I don't know of anyone to do this with.

I hate feeling weak or like I lost....to me, I feel like if I purge those feelings, I've lost....but if I don't then I go on in misery....P in every aspect of my identity, I feel like 'two' people....let me explain.....it's like feeling two things at once, but on every matter....contradiction is a major part of me right now and for the first time, I'm figuritively being brought to my knees....that's a painful feeling P....the feeling of being brought to your knees, and having your pride being broken....that's happend so many times in my life, and I need my pride to continue on....it is the only peice of identity that's held me together.....it's what makes me go on in spite of the pain...Reality kicking me in the back giving me nothing but ultimatums and a inner life frought with instability, and tummultous feelings.....I get no peace anywhere,

These feelings kept me full, and I honestly don't know what life would be like without these feelings....they were my passion for so long....I need a passion in life P, believe it or not: I can't go through life moving aimlessly anymore....I've been there, and done it, and I'm tired of it....I've been in a black depression my whole life, and year, by year it grows progressively worse....I'm sure if I continue this I'm going to run into the same problems as my father....and that's a fate worse than anything!! I'd rather be face-down than to ever be anything like him....I do resent him....waking up and going to the mirror and seeing him....he was once a constant source of pride and enthusiasm for me (It was so good it was bad becuase I wasn't developing an idependent identity I was just mirroring him and loosing myself which to this day I struggle to fight for my own sense of self), and then it all just suddenly stopped.....the bastard didn't care at all....he just dropped me and left me to my own wounds.....

Ever since that day 15 years ago, I promised myself I'd never let anyone hurt me....I cut my emotions away and threw them at the bottom of my unconscious....I will never let anyone hurt me again....never, I became cold, angry, detached, and introverted, but every now and again, that old me returns....the me that's too soft, and underdeveloped for this world: the me that I doubt can handle himself....I'm still just a 4 year old emotionally perhaps I'm older, but I need someone to now be a gentle with that part of me becuase I left that part comatose inside for years....I'm ashamed of my feelings, but I enjoy them.....

I honestly feel like I haven't a friend in the world, becuase I've never met anyone who knew or knows the 'real' me P....So I'm all I've got: everyday I open my mouth and speak to someone I'm learning how to ask for what I need and trust someone to give it to me: P that's the problem: my faith has been badly broken, and I've been trying to fix it....I'm deeply messed up, and I'm trying to fix it....don't think I'm throwing a pity party....just analyzing what I missed over the years. P, whenever someone touches me, I feel cold....like they're barely even there....it's like I'm desensitized I just sort of stand there dazed like I'm not there....I'm detatched from myself in everyway possible...that's why I try so damned hard to feel something....it's not like I feel for the hell of it P: my life, and heart depend on me to feel...

It's funny....I thought I'd been using my head all this time, but really I was using my heart....using my insticts to protect myself....'hide yourself away' 'you have to decieve to survive' 'you have to manipulate this plan to be victorious' yes, these are lessons I had to learn to keep myself protected, but I became a little too good at that and now I can't bring these two people together....I'm miserable becuase I can't give myself what I want and need....someone to help love me, and get me through this...and that person should be me....but I feel that that would set me back further than it would help....I need to learn to trust people and stop being so paranoid....but when people do nothing but drop and break you....who can you trust to help fix you when it's to big to do alone? I feel that deep down inside I am unloveable to the outside world, which is why I hold onto myself so obsessively: I have to be strong...to be powerful....I have to become more than this frail person...
I look at myself all the time P, the 'real' me, and all I see is a frail, and weak child....I can't afford to be that person P....I need power....I'm driven by my deepest fears, and emotions, and as a result, I know virtually EVERYTHING about myself....my fears, and strengths.....I want to lead the world into a better era...I really do....but I see myself being two people....the good VE, who achieves this, and the bad VE, who just falls further into self-annhilation....how can I save myself? I need love....the love of myself, and the other....I need help....I might be an angel, but on an every day basis P, I'm faced with being less than who I see myself as....that gap is painful....That's why I try to be as positive as possible, in hopes that one day, I'll be that person...but I'm tired of being lonely and depressed.....this has to end.