transcending your pain from your childhood?

people are like this forum is dead so i just thought i’d make a thread 😂 might still be dead after this too but at least i tried 😂

anyone one else either had parents who:

-were absent

-acted like a child

-placed conditions on the love they gave you

?



1. how have these things affected you in adulthood? are they still affecting you now?

2. how have you made peace with all these things?



ok, i’ll go first…

1. how have these things affected you in adulthood?

tendency to people-please, tryna be agreeable for the sake of peace, numbing unpleasant emotions, living like an android, disassociating etc

no, they’re no longer affecting me but i still sometimes feel this invisible psychological grip (?) that my parents sorta have over me in the back of my mind. it certainly isn’t something i think about daily. only when i see them or talk to them.

2. how have you made peace with all these things?

i made peace when i became an adult and realized that our parents are just humans with flaws like any of us. they have traumas of their own. they were simply born earlier than us, aged faster than us, but that doesn’t mean they should be more mature and wise (well, in a perfectly ideal world, parents would be more mature than their kids but this is the real world where not everything goes according to plan.) also wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age if someone is still stuck in that trauma mentality and hasn’t healed from it or moved on from it.

which means that someone could be 50 years old, 80 years old and still be acting like a child. and there’s really nothing we can do about it because we can’t help people who don’t wanna be helped. it’s as simple as that. we can try to fight their battles for them and with them and we often do that but at the end of the day, it’s like…they gotta want a better life for themselves/a better way of dealing with problems as badly as you do for them.

i once read a quote somewhere that was like,

“the real flex is healing yourself without becoming like those who traumatized you.” or something to that effect and i was like trueee lol

so yeah that’s pretty much it

i have pluto in 4th house, scorpio in 4th house, chiron in cancer in 11th house. heard these are like complicated family placements although not entirely sure. 8th house sun (cold father placement or so i’ve heard..not sure either..)

my parents were always busy and never really showed up for much of anything so i thought all parents were just like that everywhere, just the norm 🤷🤷

until graduation where all the parents showed up and i was alone, totally embarrassed, asking my leo classmate's mom to pin my awards for me which she did. she watches my stories online nowadays. i suppose she still remembers that pitiful day.

a few years later, another graduation ceremony but this time with one of the snootiest unis where i was supposed to get the 2nd highest award but ofc i knew they can't show up so i decided to just have it mailed to me to spare myself. thought if i did well they might show up but oh well 🤷🤷

so i grew up pretty chill actually, preferring to always keep things shallow. your time is king for me. like whenever i meet someone who invests a lot of time on me, i would hold on to them. when i feel they're too busy, i lose interest. too slow for me and i might be talking to someone else by tomorrow even. basically i would prefer if you're barely employed.

tho the opposite of that i don't automatically equate to disinterest (unless blatant neglect/ghosting which i actually support) coz i never hated my parents and recognized that they were people with lives of their own. but some instances i'm blind to these signs of straying/slow fade coz tho i covet time, the scarcity offered me was my norm.

wasn't pain tho, more like embarrassment.

coz my parents were so much better than the bratty tyrant of a Libra moon I got stuck with as a teenager 😭😭

and if i learned anything from that, you just can't love someone into loving you so i don't even waste my time even at the slightest sign of disinterest. like any crush outside of a celeb or a fictional character, my interest drops ocean floor.

Father in pain after divorce. At 8, I learned to try to fix things… one of the worst things I learned. Because you can’t!

But really it was my stepdad who was selfish, anxious, and if you weren’t making him feel good about himself ( Leo) than you were told you were a horrible person. I tried to stand up to him, and really that was a whole lot of ridiculous. It just made it worse and I learned to shut down. Starting at 12 when my mom married him it was not a good situation for any of us.. especially me & my brother ( but also my stepbrothers) I also tried to protect my younger brothers btw & got slammed for that also repeatedly. Mom just stood by & said nothing.. marriage more important than your kids.

I learned a lot from this… and how not to be a parent.

It took a lot of therapy, personal growth and failures to believe in myself and get those parent voices out of my head & believe in my own. Because things just kept not working, and I ended up in a big hole & had to work my way out of it. And wth, I had married an alcoholic who I tried to save for years. In my 40’s, it was time to deal. I think I was 45 when it happened. Started with dreams, and made it into my subconscious, an awakening & a healthier path formed. 3 years later I left him to save myself & my children. It’s about 11 years later now and I am quite amazed all the progress I made. Along the way, I learned how to deal with my stepdad too & no longer allow how he treated me. Now he has dementia & ironically he’s super nice to me 😂My dad died 10 years ago.. the good one.. go figure. He did end up being my rock starting in my 20’s. That pain of his got in the way from realizing our situation, otherwise I think he would have fought to have us with him. Instead of a every other weekend. He was the heart even though we banged heads a bit. Yes, a Capricorn lol.

It’s better to deal with things. I did not blame the parents, it’s just what I learned how it affected me & I had to deal with the aftermath. My mom feels guilty as she watched me fix my life. But you know, it turns out I’m much braver than she is. ( her words)

Posted by MrNobody
I hope you feel better after saying this.

thanks. i dunno if i feel better but writing my thoughts down kinda helped clear my head a little bit.

Posted by virgoOPPP
my parents were always busy and never really showed up for much of anything so i thought all parents were just like that everywhere, just the norm 🤷🤷

until graduation where all the parents showed up and i was alone, totally embarrassed, asking my leo classmate's mom to pin my awards for me which she did. she watches my stories online nowadays. i suppose she still remembers that pitiful day.

a few years later, another graduation ceremony but this time with one of the snootiest unis where i was supposed to get the 2nd highest award but ofc i knew they can't show up so i decided to just have it mailed to me to spare myself. thought if i did well they might show up but oh well 🤷🤷

so i grew up pretty chill actually, preferring to always keep things shallow. your time is king for me. like whenever i meet someone who invests a lot of time on me, i would hold on to them. when i feel they're too busy, i lose interest. too slow for me and i might be talking to someone else by tomorrow even. basically i would prefer if you're barely employed.

tho the opposite of that i don't automatically equate to disinterest (unless blatant neglect/ghosting which i actually support) coz i never hated my parents and recognized that they were people with lives of their own. but some instances i'm blind to these signs of straying/slow fade coz tho i covet time, the scarcity offered me was my norm.

i can understand why you developed an aversion towards people who can’t or won’t make time for you.

you're protecting yourself before they even have the chance to hurt you. that's kinda what trauma does to people. you're probably thinking like, "ok if i already know what the outcome is gonna be, why even go there?"

i've seen you talk about how you were hurt in past relationships and stuff and i think you're a great example of someone who turned things around by being super wise and careful. cuz now you're happily married with an adorable baby and your partner is someone who is like the complete opposite of the guys you used to date, right? i'm just like so happy for you 😢

by the way your parents' lack of effort had absolutely nothing to do with you. they just had all their priorities wrong.

Posted by IceStorm
Yeah my mom was an alcoholic and also became addicted to pain pills and anxiety meds after she sobered up from alcohol. So basically she switched from one addiction to the other. She used to pass out drunk or high with a lit cigarette in her hand, or one time she passed out in a bathtub full of water and could have drowned. Another time she nodded off at the wheel and drove her car into a tree and was in a coma for 2 weeks, the year before she passed.

My dad is still in my life but was always working.. then he divorced my mom when I was a teenager so he moved out and then I only saw him on some weekends.

During the divorce, my mom kinda leaned on me and my sisters and/or the alcohol and pills to escape her pain. So we sometimes assumed the parental role.. I think it has lead to codependent habits in me and my sisters.. we are usually attracted to men who are either unavailable (like our dad was) or we are attracted to men that are broken (like our mom was) and we subconsciously want to love them up and heal all their wounds, which obviously manifests as codependent relationships.

1. how have these things affected you in adulthood? are they still affecting you now?

Up until about my 40th birthday, I had people pleasing tendencies in work as well in relationships. I always felt that I needed validation that I was doing good or that I was wanted/valued in relationships and at work, so I would go above and beyond to stand out, or to “earn” acceptance and love. I did this a lot with my dad when I was a kid… I knew that when I got good grades, he would give me praise for it. Otherwise I was basically invisible. So I would try really hard tp get good grades then I would bring my graded papers to him to get validation from him. I even did this in adulthood, in my early thirties when I was in nursing school. I’m not doing much of that anymore, I have learned to validate myself and instead of trying to “earn” love or attention from someone, I recognize situations where my efforts aren’t reciprocated and instead of trying harder, I throw in the towel and I leave.

2. how have you made peace with all these things?

Just by learning why I am how I am... it’s been healing to become aware of these patterns and how they’ve carried over to adulthood and impacted my relationships and the image that I present to the world, helping me to intentionally approach situations differently than I have in the past.

it amazes me how you've been though so much yet you're still like one of the most compassionate users on here. that takes a lot of maturity and strength. your mom was lucky to have a daughter like you. it's just a shame that she couldn't realize it sooner.

i've heard it's pretty common for kids who had absent/broken parents to grow up and develop feelings for someone who resembles the parent. and to try and fix them hoping for a different ending/a happy ending this time around but it just never works out.

and yeah i understand the whole wanting validation thing as well. when you feel like your parents only love you when you're useful, successful, or making them look good/feel good in some way or another.

my dad's favorite form of punishments were cold shoulders, silent treatments, threatening to disown whenever i didn't behave the way he expected. my mom's favorite was guilt tripping and crying. lol

mind you, i was a well behaved son who gave them what they wanted for the most part but it's still not enough apparently lol 😅😅

at some point, you really do have to learn to validate yourself instead of waiting for that validation that is conditional or won't ever come.

i'm happy for you that you've broken free from these restrictions.

Posted by PuzzlePieces
Father in pain after divorce. At 8, I learned to try to fix things… one of the worst things I learned. Because you can’t!

But really it was my stepdad who was selfish, anxious, and if you weren’t making him feel good about himself ( Leo) than you were told you were a horrible person. I tried to stand up to him, and really that was a whole lot of ridiculous. It just made it worse and I learned to shut down. Starting at 12 when my mom married him it was not a good situation for any of us.. especially me & my brother ( but also my stepbrothers) I also tried to protect my younger brothers btw & got slammed for that also repeatedly. Mom just stood by & said nothing.. marriage more important than your kids.

I learned a lot from this… and how not to be a parent.

It took a lot of therapy, personal growth and failures to believe in myself and get those parent voices out of my head & believe in my own. Because things just kept not working, and I ended up in a big hole & had to work my way out of it. And wth, I had married an alcoholic who I tried to save for years. In my 40’s, it was time to deal. I think I was 45 when it happened. Started with dreams, and made it into my subconscious, an awakening & a healthier path formed. 3 years later I left him to save myself & my children. It’s about 11 years later now and I am quite amazed all the progress I made. Along the way, I learned how to deal with my stepdad too & no longer allow how he treated me. Now he has dementia & ironically he’s super nice to me 😂My dad died 10 years ago.. the good one.. go figure. He did end up being my rock starting in my 20’s. That pain of his got in the way from realizing our situation, otherwise I think he would have fought to have us with him. Instead of a every other weekend. He was the heart even though we banged heads a bit. Yes, a Capricorn lol.

It’s better to deal with things. I did not blame the parents, it’s just what I learned how it affected me & I had to deal with the aftermath. My mom feels guilty as she watched me fix my life. But you know, it turns out I’m much braver than she is. ( her words)

i remember you telling me about your mom a while back and how she just left you to fend for yourself against your stepfather. your brothers were lucky to have you, even though the whole ordeal probably put a lot of unnecessary anxiety and pressure on you. standing up to mistreatment and injustice is honorable and courageous.

and this doesn't get mentioned enough but, trying to save someone who is struggling is actually a tremendous act of love. people tend to pass premature judgement on people who try to help alcoholics and addicts but it takes a lot of courage, compassion, and love to help someone who is struggling like that. it's easy to just bounce and neglect those who are in need. so i actually have a lot of respect for people who try to help. no matter what society says.

yes, you are brave indeed. 🙂

Posted by MysteriousHeart
I’m not good at following directions so I probably won’t answer everything. I will try and give the short version.

Mom had anger issues and I’m pretty sure some kind of mental disease whether it be bipolar, narcissism or something, though she has never seen a professional and therefor never diagnosed.

Growing up she was always yelling and cursing at my brother, father and I. Though my father and I took the brunt of it. She treated my brother differently. He was the baby and the favorite and she made it known to me every chance she got that he was the golden child. She would often tell me I was worthless, wasn’t going to amount to anything, too stupid, too fat, too ugly….something was always wrong with me no matter how much I tried to please her. She was always making fun of me and comparing me to her friends daughters. She’d often slap me, throw things at me and spit on me. She even confessed to shaking me as a newborn because she couldn’t get me to stop crying. She’d constantly say things like “I wish I were dead” I hope your father dies and never comes back home” “you don’t love me and never did” “you treat me like shit” etc.

My dad was very passive. Basically just allowed her to do the things she did. Never spoke up for himself or my brother and I. He never showed emotion either….never said “I love you” and just never expressed any kind of emotion or feelings. He would try and get away….cheated on my mom and she in turn would cheat on him to get back at him. They would often use my brother and I and try to get us on their side and against each other. It was just a damn mess. I still remember my mom turning to alcohol which wasn’t surprising since her father was an alcoholic. We had this old filing cabinet in the garage that my mom kept her whiskey in and I’d see her sneak out there and take a few swigs of it when she just couldn’t deal with us.

It was just a mess. As an adult I’m definitely a people pleaser and I’ve always felt less then and not good enough. I’ve sought out toxic men who treated me the way she did because I grew to see that as normal. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. I’m still dealing with the fall out and going to therapy. Only wish I had started therapy a long time ago. I am better now than I was though. It’s been a work in progress.

i could be wrong but could it be possible that your mom is somehow threatened by you or jealous of you in some way? cuz like, when someone has such a strong reaction towards something or someone, it could be due to feeling threatened. maybe you have qualities that she secretly wants but can't have? and she can't verbalize this weird feeling she has so she lashes out at you. i'm not a psychologist by any means so i could be wrong but when i was reading about your mom and her strong reactions towards you (her daughter), this quote just kept flashing in my head over and over again :

"the enemy wouldn't be attacking you if something very valuable wasn't inside of you. thieves don't break into empty houses."

i'm sorry your dad wasn't there when he should've been protecting you. how a man can watch his daughter be abused and not do anything about it is beyond me. perhaps your parents didn't have good role models either. (your mom's dad also being an alcoholic and things like that)

i'm so glad you're seeking help and please try not to internalize anything your mom ever said to you out of her insecurity and spite. she seems threatened by her own daughter which is strange. i'm tryna like figure out what's happening with all that cuz it's not normal. has your therapist said anything about her and why she's acting the way she is?

Posted by 7s
My mom was a Virgo…

underdeveloped virgos apparently can have lethal mouths that criticize all day, poke holes in everything( people's ideas, thoughts, even dreams maybe? lol), so i can imagine your pain, man. 😅

but just have confidence, believe in yourself and prove people wrong.

i'll talk about my family tomorrow 😅 i gotta go right now.

I think it's healthier to just admit the truth: I've not made peace. I think it's a complicated thing when you have to revisit pain. But, i also think it's just generally ok to be unhappy with what happened to you or what you've experienced. Liberating in a way. Why pretend? I suppose it can't be that terrible though because I know of someone online who resented his father so much that even after death, he took special care to disrespect even after he was gone. A lot of comments were like, "dude, let it go, he is gone" and I saw it the same way. To me, it's just sort of, you can take something for as far as you can take it, healthy or not. I know I wouldn't go that far but compared to the world, my resentment sits fairly far.

I do have a conscience though, and I feel like that's why I'm female in this life because without being female, I would've been this angry, explosive person, you know? I dunno. Welp that was TMI

I'll spare the novel lol. I'm going to have to start charging at some point. Feel free to imagine.

Posted by serenidad

Posted by PuzzlePieces
Father in pain after divorce. At 8, I learned to try to fix things… one of the worst things I learned. Because you can’t!

But really it was my stepdad who was selfish, anxious, and if you weren’t making him feel good about himself ( Leo) than you were told you were a horrible person. I tried to stand up to him, and really that was a whole lot of ridiculous. It just made it worse and I learned to shut down. Starting at 12 when my mom married him it was not a good situation for any of us.. especially me & my brother ( but also my stepbrothers) I also tried to protect my younger brothers btw & got slammed for that also repeatedly. Mom just stood by & said nothing.. marriage more important than your kids.

I learned a lot from this… and how not to be a parent.

It took a lot of therapy, personal growth and failures to believe in myself and get those parent voices out of my head & believe in my own. Because things just kept not working, and I ended up in a big hole & had to work my way out of it. And wth, I had married an alcoholic who I tried to save for years. In my 40’s, it was time to deal. I think I was 45 when it happened. Started with dreams, and made it into my subconscious, an awakening & a healthier path formed. 3 years later I left him to save myself & my children. It’s about 11 years later now and I am quite amazed all the progress I made. Along the way, I learned how to deal with my stepdad too & no longer allow how he treated me. Now he has dementia & ironically he’s super nice to me 😂My dad died 10 years ago.. the good one.. go figure. He did end up being my rock starting in my 20’s. That pain of his got in the way from realizing our situation, otherwise I think he would have fought to have us with him. Instead of a every other weekend. He was the heart even though we banged heads a bit. Yes, a Capricorn lol.

It’s better to deal with things. I did not blame the parents, it’s just what I learned how it affected me & I had to deal with the aftermath. My mom feels guilty as she watched me fix my life. But you know, it turns out I’m much braver than she is. ( her words)

i remember you telling me about your mom a while back and how she just left you to fend for yourself against your stepfather. your brothers were lucky to have you, even though the whole ordeal probably put a lot of unnecessary anxiety and pressure on you. standing up to mistreatment and injustice is honorable and courageous.

and this doesn't get mentioned enough but, trying to save someone who is struggling is actually a tremendous act of love. people tend to pass premature judgement on people who try to help alcoholics and addicts but it takes a lot of courage, compassion, and love to help someone who is struggling like that. it's easy to just bounce and neglect those who are in need. so i actually have a lot of respect for people who try to help. no matter what society says.

yes, you are brave indeed. 🙂

click to expand

Thanks 🙂 unfortunately no one is taking care of you when you put others first. Your heart does it out of love, but you are important too. I finally learned that & do better with guys who make me important also… I’m still the helping person just it also includes myself. I’m never ending up in that hole again. I suppose that’s why finding a good relationship has been hard. Healthier times for sure. ❤️

Posted by RollergirlOrc
I think it's healthier to just admit the truth: I've not made peace. I think it's a complicated thing when you have to revisit pain. But, i also think it's just generally ok to be unhappy with what happened to you or what you've experienced. Liberating in a way. Why pretend? I suppose it can't be that terrible though because I know of someone online who resented his father so much that even after death, he took special care to disrespect even after he was gone. A lot of comments were like, "dude, let it go, he is gone" and I saw it the same way. To me, it's just sort of, you can take something for as far as you can take it, healthy or not. I know I wouldn't go that far but compared to the world, my resentment sits fairly far.

I do have a conscience though, and I feel like that's why I'm female in this life because without being female, I would've been this angry, explosive person, you know? I dunno. Welp that was TMI

thank you for saying that. it made my heart feel lighter somehow. 😢

i feel like "making peace" can be a one step forward, two steps back kinda process.

on some days, we could delude ourselves into thinking we've made peace with everything but then some incident/event might trigger us all over again. and then each time, you become less reactive than the last time and then eventually it stops triggering you.

there's apparently even a word called "toxic positivity".





i used to tell myself all the time, "others have it way worse than you so suck it up." lol i still do it.

i didn't know i was practicing "toxic positivity" lol i thought i was just putting my problems into perspective. lol it was the only way for me to move on and to keep functioning lol i didn't know any other way. not sure i still do.

Posted by Soul
I'll spare the novel lol. I'm going to have to start charging at some point. Feel free to imagine.

you posted a song so i was hoping to hear some lyrics or something but i didn't so i went on youtube to watch the trailer for the movie. i mean...i've heard of people attempting to find some type of solace/comfort in demons during their darkest times and stuff but personally, i don't f**k with demons lol. my mind could go to the darkest place it could possibly go and i still wouldn't seek any type of solace/comfort in them. besides, who needs demons when you're saturn dominant like i am 😂😂 there's already a few having a tea party inside our heads on a daily basis 😂😂

all jokes aside though,

wherever your parents are right now, or whatever they're doing right now, they're the ones missing out. you always struck me as someone with a good, pure heart.

Posted by dragonh0rsecvck
I've talked about my parents quite a bit. My dad was great growing up but is a little misogynistic, condescending and avoidant anymore. He was always calm and I always wanted that in a man-- silent like Samurai Jack. I'm learning not to be so afraid of seeing traits in a partner that remind me of my mom-- bossy, talkative, passionate-- because sometimes they reflect interest and the silent guys are fkbois. my dad married very aggressive women, but my stepmom and I are getting along great rn and meeting up for lunch weekly or close. It's awesome. I just reached out to my mom bc our family friend died and she posted a beautiful post on her obituary.

between my mom and sister, I'm terrified of women (especially the aggressive/bossy cardinal ones) and idk which one to trust more. my sister has some Pisces in her chart so she's more empathetic and thoughtful at times but also two-faced, conniving, and commits subterfuge against me anytime we aren't one-on-one. she hates me more than my mom does, but on some level I love her more. my mom slut-shamed me growing up far beyond any justification, to a traumatic level that I should've called CPS on. my sister has never and would never do that. my mom was also physically abusive, something which is unnatural to my sister and I. she prefers my sister but was physical with us both. she also moved to a different time zone when I was 16 and my sister was like 14 and largely stopped caring (until my sister decided to go to medical school and both parents became present for her).

I've always been quiet and awkward, and my days of attempting to socialize in groups are long over. I like to be with a partner or alone. I crave love and usually try to compete and beg for it. It's pathetic and also makes me accept being friend-zoned for years on end until I meet someone new to hope for a relationship with. as long as I'm treated well and kept safe I'm fairly content with allowing relationships to be unlabeled, but a lot of the time my partners will respond to this contentment by insulting me unprompted... hence why I eventually move on

when I did online classes, I was respected and excelled. in-person classes were a bit more challenging due to anxiety except in areas where I excelled such as English. now in the blue-collar workforce it is rare to come by respect especially from my peers. work causes me tons of stress and despair-- possibly the most out of all the factors in my life, since outside of work it's easy for me to dodge triggers. I'm now in therapy and on meds, and although I'm not a huge fan of my therapist I've learned to value her and see validity in therapy as an outlet, since I shouldn't be trauma dumping on friends, family, nor coworkers. focusing on the money and accepting that I don't need everyone's approval at work and should ignore rudeness is not as easy as it sounds when my job is often physically demanding and stressful. I'd still like it if people weren't rude, for sure. my therapist said "if you refuse to leave, learn to cope". it's a process but I'll escape this place somehow. we're born alone and die alone, and should determine what we want to do with self-interest in mind: it's extremely difficult for me, as I'm sure it is for many women.

when you said the bossy, talkative, passionate types are at least indicating interest, and the silent types are really just disinterested fkbois, i kinda felt that. i'm not saying all bossy people care about us and all silent people are indifferent to us, but when someone cares about someone, they will at least show some initiative and enthusiasm. they may even show signs of being protective over you or at the very least be interested in what you're doing/how you're feeling. this might be why i'm not really put off by partners who wanna stick their nose in my business lol (provided that they don't go overboard lol 😅)

it breaks my heart though whenever i hear that someone can't trust their own moms/siblings. it shouldn't be like that. feeling like you can't even be safe and vulnerable with your own family is like one of the hardest things. cuz ideally, family is supposed to be a safe haven. we shouldn't have to constantly be on guard in front of family but unfortunately many people find it hard to relax and be themselves with their family. 😢 but just know that whatever negativity they are projecting onto you, has very little to do with you. wounded people hurt others because they're confused and they don't know who or what to lash out at. so they often pick the closest people like family to unleash their frustrations on.

even those people being rude to you at work. they're lashing out because they're confused and frustrated with whatever is going on in their own lives or whatever went on previously in their lives that are still unresolved. i hope you'll find a safer work environment soon.



and as far as this goes ,

"It's pathetic and also makes me accept being friend-zoned for years on end until I meet someone new to hope for a relationship with. "

if this sort of situation lowers your self esteem then it's better to not be involved. try asking yourself if it feels good to be in that sort of situation. if the answer is no, then it's better to wait for someone who can be exclusive and be all the way there for you.

Posted by dragonh0rsecvck

Posted by serenidad

Posted by dragonh0rsecvck
I've talked about my parents quite a bit. My dad was great growing up but is a little misogynistic, condescending and avoidant anymore. He was always calm and I always wanted that in a man-- silent like Samurai Jack. I'm learning not to be so afraid of seeing traits in a partner that remind me of my mom-- bossy, talkative, passionate-- because sometimes they reflect interest and the silent guys are fkbois. my dad married very aggressive women, but my stepmom and I are getting along great rn and meeting up for lunch weekly or close. It's awesome. I just reached out to my mom bc our family friend died and she posted a beautiful post on her obituary.
between my mom and sister, I'm terrified of women (especially the aggressive/bossy cardinal ones) and idk which one to trust more. my sister has some Pisces in her chart so she's more empathetic and thoughtful at times but also two-faced, conniving, and commits subterfuge against me anytime we aren't one-on-one. she hates me more than my mom does, but on some level I love her more. my mom slut-shamed me growing up far beyond any justification, to a traumatic level that I should've called CPS on. my sister has never and would never do that. my mom was also physically abusive, something which is unnatural to my sister and I. she prefers my sister but was physical with us both. she also moved to a different time zone when I was 16 and my sister was like 14 and largely stopped caring (until my sister decided to go to medical school and both parents became present for her).
I've always been quiet and awkward, and my days of attempting to socialize in groups are long over. I like to be with a partner or alone. I crave love and usually try to compete and beg for it. It's pathetic and also makes me accept being friend-zoned for years on end until I meet someone new to hope for a relationship with. as long as I'm treated well and kept safe I'm fairly content with allowing relationships to be unlabeled, but a lot of the time my partners will respond to this contentment by insulting me unprompted... hence why I eventually move on
when I did online classes, I was respected and excelled. in-person classes were a bit more challenging due to anxiety except in areas where I excelled such as English. now in the blue-collar workforce it is rare to come by respect especially from my peers. work causes me tons of stress and despair-- possibly the most out of all the factors in my life, since outside of work it's easy for me to dodge triggers. I'm now in therapy and on meds, and although I'm not a huge fan of my therapist I've learned to value her and see validity in therapy as an outlet, since I shouldn't be trauma dumping on friends, family, nor coworkers. focusing on the money and accepting that I don't need everyone's approval at work and should ignore rudeness is not as easy as it sounds when my job is often physically demanding and stressful. I'd still like it if people weren't rude, for sure. my therapist said "if you refuse to leave, learn to cope". it's a process but I'll escape this place somehow. we're born alone and die alone, and should determine what we want to do with self-interest in mind: it's extremely difficult for me, as I'm sure it is for many women.

when you said the bossy, talkative, passionate types are at least indicating interest, and the silent types are really just disinterested fkbois, i kinda felt that. i'm not saying all bossy people care about us and all silent people are indifferent to us, but when someone cares about someone, they will at least show some initiative and enthusiasm. they may even show signs of being protective over you or at the very least be interested in what you're doing/how you're feeling. this might be why i'm not really put off by partners who wanna stick their nose in my business lol (provided that they don't go overboard lol 😅)

it breaks my heart though whenever i hear that someone can't trust their own moms/siblings. it shouldn't be like that. feeling like you can't even be safe and vulnerable with your own family is like one of the hardest things. cuz ideally, family is supposed to be a safe haven. we shouldn't have to constantly be on guard in front of family but unfortunately many people find it hard to relax and be themselves with their family. but just know that whatever negativity they are projecting onto you, has very little to do with you. wounded people hurt others because they're confused and they don't know who or what to lash out at. so they often pick the closest people like family to unleash their frustrations on.

even those people being rude to you at work. they're lashing out because they're confused and frustrated with whatever is going on in their own lives or whatever went on previously in their lives that are still unresolved. i hope you'll find a safer work environment soon.



and as far as this goes ,

"It's pathetic and also makes me accept being friend-zoned for years on end until I meet someone new to hope for a relationship with. "

if this sort of situation lowers your self esteem then it's better to not be involved. try asking yourself if it feels good to be in that sort of situation. if the answer is no, then it's better to wait for someone who can be exclusive and be all the way there for you.







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thank you so much. it's hard to say no to situationships bc they're easy to justify up until it becomes too painful to tolerate. thanks for making this thread and providing such thoughtful responses to everyone

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no worries, in fact, i'm sorry that my life experience is still very limited and i honestly wish i could think of something more useful/helpful to say to you guys but i can't. 😢

but i want everyone who's ever had a painful upbringing to not give up. i guess that's what i ultimately wanted to say. that the future is bright. we'll make it bright haha

Posted by MysteriousHeart
I’m not good at following directions so I probably won’t answer everything. I will try and give the short version.

Mom had anger issues and I’m pretty sure some kind of mental disease whether it be bipolar, narcissism or something, though she has never seen a professional and therefor never diagnosed.

Growing up she was always yelling and cursing at my brother, father and I. Though my father and I took the brunt of it. She treated my brother differently. He was the baby and the favorite and she made it known to me every chance she got that he was the golden child. She would often tell me I was worthless, wasn’t going to amount to anything, too stupid, too fat, too ugly….something was always wrong with me no matter how much I tried to please her. She was always making fun of me and comparing me to her friends daughters. She’d often slap me, throw things at me and spit on me. She even confessed to shaking me as a newborn because she couldn’t get me to stop crying. She’d constantly say things like “I wish I were dead” I hope your father dies and never comes back home” “you don’t love me and never did” “you treat me like shit” etc.

My dad was very passive. Basically just allowed her to do the things she did. Never spoke up for himself or my brother and I. He never showed emotion either….never said “I love you” and just never expressed any kind of emotion or feelings. He would try and get away….cheated on my mom and she in turn would cheat on him to get back at him. They would often use my brother and I and try to get us on their side and against each other. It was just a damn mess.

^^^This was very similar to my upbringing!!

Like MysteriousHeart, I also tried to be a people pleaser. Unlike her, I was in my teens when I realised what a futile attempt that was! Nothing would ever please my mother, she needed to have her narcissistic rant every day. And my naturally aloof father left to work abroad for 7 years…

Luckily for me, I never felt attraction fir complicated, abusive or aloof people like my parents! Instead, I went for those who had the traits of my beloved grandma (she raised me till I was 5 and then on holidays), like talkative, gregarious, caring, and even married one. Later in life, I had a brush with a few complicated, abusive or aloof personalities, but chose to disengage when red flags started to accumulate. Finally, I married my forever person who’s personality matches but also complements mines.

I never went to therapy. As for my parents, I had a very good decade with them in between my marriages, up to the death of my father from COVID. Our relationship was on my terms, and they realised they had to behave to keep me in their life. I actually come to like them for the good parts they had.

Posted by StubbornSag
@Undine

@MysteriousHeart

Where are your Moons and are they afflicted? I'm curious cause I can definitelly see similarities in our families?

I had similar experience, dominant mother figure, passive, disengaged father...I read before this has to do with Moon and effects other planets have on it. Mine is in first house in Aries.

My moon is protected by my sun (third house moon and sun conjunct in Pisces).

Posted by Undine

Posted by MysteriousHeart
I’m not good at following directions so I probably won’t answer everything. I will try and give the short version.
Mom had anger issues and I’m pretty sure some kind of mental disease whether it be bipolar, narcissism or something, though she has never seen a professional and therefor never diagnosed.
Growing up she was always yelling and cursing at my brother, father and I. Though my father and I took the brunt of it. She treated my brother differently. He was the baby and the favorite and she made it known to me every chance she got that he was the golden child. She would often tell me I was worthless, wasn’t going to amount to anything, too stupid, too fat, too ugly….something was always wrong with me no matter how much I tried to please her. She was always making fun of me and comparing me to her friends daughters. She’d often slap me, throw things at me and spit on me. She even confessed to shaking me as a newborn because she couldn’t get me to stop crying. She’d constantly say things like “I wish I were dead” I hope your father dies and never comes back home” “you don’t love me and never did” “you treat me like shit” etc.
My dad was very passive. Basically just allowed her to do the things she did. Never spoke up for himself or my brother and I. He never showed emotion either….never said “I love you” and just never expressed any kind of emotion or feelings. He would try and get away….cheated on my mom and she in turn would cheat on him to get back at him. They would often use my brother and I and try to get us on their side and against each other. It was just a damn mess.

^^^This was very similar to my upbringing!!

Like MysteriousHeart, I also tried to be a people pleaser. Unlike her, I was in my teens when I realised what a futile attempt that was! Nothing would ever please my mother, she needed to have her narcissistic rant every day. And my naturally aloof father left to work abroad for 7 years…

Luckily for me, I never felt attraction fir complicated, abusive or aloof people like my parents! Instead, I went for those who had the traits of my beloved grandma (she raised me till I was 5 and then on holidays), like talkative, gregarious, caring, and even married one. Later in life, I had a brush with a few complicated, abusive or aloof personalities, but chose to disengage when red flags started to accumulate. Finally, I married my forever person who’s personality matches but also complements mines.

I never went to therapy. As for my parents, I had a very good decade with them in between my marriages, up to the death of my father from COVID. Our relationship was on my terms, and they realised they had to behave to keep me in their life. I actually come to like them for the good parts they had.

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it seems like you and virgoOPPP are similar in the sense that you guys never developed any attraction towards people who resembled your parents. that's great that you guys sorta instinctively knew that going that route wouldn't end well for you? i remember picking friends who had similar characteristics as my mom and dad (friends who had difficulty expressing emotions, wanting me to guess what they were feeling and wanting me to accommodate them all the time, friends who were passive aggressive etc) when i was much younger and it drained me mentally and emotionally.

now i have two really great friends who have good self-expression skills and communication skills, who aren't passive aggressive.

i'm really glad that you had a wonderful grandma in your life who gave you the love and affection that you were missing from your parents. and you met a lovely husband whom you can be your happy, authentic self with. 🙂 finding someone you can vibe with for the long term is healing on so many levels. especially for people like us who had painful upbringings.

also nice to know that you were sorta able to reconcile with your parents for the latter part of their lives despite your history together. i'm sure they're relieved that their daughter is in good hands now. 🙏

Posted by StubbornSag
@Undine

@MysteriousHeart

Where are your Moons and are they afflicted? I'm curious cause I can definitelly see similarities in our families?

I had similar experience, dominant mother figure, passive, disengaged father...I read before this has to do with Moon and effects other planets have on it. Mine is in first house in Aries.

i sorta remember you saying somewhere that your mom used to make you go along with her lies when you didn't want to or something like that...? it was a while ago so i can't remember all the details but i've noticed that aries moon people tend to carry a lot of suppressed anger (pain/sadness that turned into anger). my virgo best friend has aries moon. you guys are like such soldiers/troopers but have a tendency to push your feelings down and deal with them later.

dear everyone here and everywhere

Posted by StubbornSag

Posted by serenidad

Posted by StubbornSag
@Undine

@MysteriousHeart

Where are your Moons and are they afflicted? I'm curious cause I can definitelly see similarities in our families?

I had similar experience, dominant mother figure, passive, disengaged father...I read before this has to do with Moon and effects other planets have on it. Mine is in first house in Aries.

i sorta remember you saying somewhere that your mom used to make you go along with her lies when you didn't want to or something like that...? it was a while ago so i can't remember all the details but i've noticed that aries moon people tend to carry a lot of suppressed anger (pain/sadness that turned into anger). my virgo best friend has aries moon. you guys are like such soldiers/troopers but have a tendency to push your feelings down and deal with them later.

Its a bit different. She didn't made me carry on her lies but some things I found out and simply didn't want to disclose her cause she passed away. I let her remain in memory to people the way she wanted them to see her. It was her choice to build that image of her and I just didn't want to ruin it now that she's no longer with us. There was just once a situation where I was put in such place that I needed to go along with a lie, but I confronted her and everyone else involved, trying to shake them to sanity. But there were other parts that two of them described that I found very fitting for my own situation during growing up. Especially the part about passive father. My mom was always a dominant person but honestly if she wasn't that way, based on how my dad is, we wouldn't have had anything in life so for that I'm grateful. I know she loved me more than anything in life and would do anything for me and it was reciprocated from my side too, despite the fact we often fought and had many misunderstanding. I atribute that to our signs cause we have just auch different views on things and different emotional perception. Sags can be too blunt and Pisces are too sensitive so that combination easily creates friction

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ohh i see, thanks for clearing that up. i’m relieved that you knew your mom loved you and that you guys actually had a very deep, strong mother-daughter relationship.

Yawn I don’t know

I had narcissist and borderline parents. Did it affect me... Haha

Yeh it was hell and I learned to escape and never saw them again but the damage was severe and then the damage I inflicted on myself was just as bad

Have I made peace with it? Parents wise, yes, personally, no I have no peace

Posted by berrieslove
I think im starting to learn about codependency and emotionally immature parents. the reactions to things in the household was extremely volatile and there were no open conversations. there was a self help book that discusses this, I mean it’s not the parents fault completely but overall a generational struggle or how they were raised so they just do what they believe is best or what they were taught by their parents. I think tho every generation is becoming more emphatic and getting rid of the old ways. I tried for be the mature one for once ( my bf said talking to your parents can be the scariest thing and apologizing) and talk casually to my mom lately and I told her my plans for the future and how I felt about the stress/pressure. howh I didn’t want to be on bad terms w her. overall the outcome was positive and I think a lot of burdens were lifted

i forgot i even made this thread lol 😅 thx for chiming in even though it’s a year old lol 😅

yeah it’s true that even our parents have backstories/past experiences that shaped them into who they are today, and they’re often just trying to do their best with what they know (with the limited knowledge and resources that they have). i’m glad you were able to find the courage within you to be vulnerable with your mom and have the important conversations with her.

Posted by Wizardzzz
I had narcissist and borderline parents. Did it affect me... Haha

Yeh it was hell and I learned to escape and never saw them again but the damage was severe and then the damage I inflicted on myself was just as bad

Have I made peace with it? Parents wise, yes, personally, no I have no peace

acknowledging that it affected you deeply is actually the initial huge step towards finding that peace, i think.

cuz too many people out here just putting on a front, numbing their pain often in unhealthy ways, acting like they’re unaffected/unfazed when they’re actually angry, bitter, sad or hurting (especially dudes cuz it’s just harder for us to be vulnerable enough to acknowledge these things ya know?)

being aware and being honest about what you felt, what you went through is the first step towards any type of healing or resolution or even closure.

Posted by berrieslove

Posted by serenidad

Posted by berrieslove
I think im starting to learn about codependency and emotionally immature parents. the reactions to things in the household was extremely volatile and there were no open conversations. there was a self help book that discusses this, I mean it’s not the parents fault completely but overall a generational struggle or how they were raised so they just do what they believe is best or what they were taught by their parents. I think tho every generation is becoming more emphatic and getting rid of the old ways. I tried for be the mature one for once ( my bf said talking to your parents can be the scariest thing and apologizing) and talk casually to my mom lately and I told her my plans for the future and how I felt about the stress/pressure. howh I didn’t want to be on bad terms w her. overall the outcome was positive and I think a lot of burdens were lifted

i forgot i even made this thread lol 😅 thx for chiming in even though it’s a year old lol 😅

yeah it’s true that even our parents have backstories/past experiences that shaped them into who they are today, and they’re often just trying to do their best with what they know (with the limited knowledge and resources that they have). i’m glad you were able to find the courage within you to be vulnerable with your mom and have the important conversations with her.
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hehe sorry ur thread caught my interest and thought to contribute ;-; and thank you for ur sweet response. the feeling is really liberating to have that conversation. im overwhelmed with love from her and for her idk how to describe.

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it is liberating. i feel like whenever one person in the situation takes the lead to be vulnerable, the other person usually will follow. and from there, honest, heartfelt conversations can happen without ego or resentment getting in the way.