Astrological Signs Like You have Never Seen them!

I found this. thought i would posted here... I found it hilarious!!!!!
NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE🙂

1. Aries (March 21-April 20)
Aries people are dynamic, quick, original, energetic, innovative leaders who are downright disgusting to be around. These are the first people bought joggers, and actually jogged in them. They are the people who read the text in sex manuals. And try to follow it by the numbers.
Aries are honest and direct, and quick to find a motel room when the boss's wife is horny. This is the guy who gets the woman into the bedroom with a promise of 10 inches and 3 times, and turns out to have 3 inches, but does it 10 times.

2. Taurus (April 21-May 21)
These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach to the opposite sex which can only be called tactless. The typical Taurus pickup line is ?wanna fuck?? The typical Taurus comeback to that line is ?no, thanks, I already have one asshole in my pants.?
But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him. He'll rent a $ 200-a-night hotel room, and a $ 500-a-night whore, and pretend he is having fun. At least half of Mastercard's business is done with Tauruses.

3. Gemini (May 22-June 21)
Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an enigma. Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then go do something absolutely different, they are not being two-faced. When Jesus said, ?Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do,? he was probably looking at a gaggle of Gemini.
This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes always have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by, and one of them sighs. The other turns to him and says ?Brucie! ShAme on you! What was that all about?!!? And Brucie answers, ?Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first time in my life I wished I was a lesbian!?
Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are easily taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar. Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts, even when neither of their parents have sisters.

4. Cancer (June 22-July 23)
This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac. Cancers live for their homes and families. While the spouse is in a motel room with the secretary, the Cancer is sitting at home, telling the kids how wonderful it is that dad stays late at the office to earn more bread for the family home. Cancers get married. And fucked. And married. And fucked. And married. But who's counting?
While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good time, because they live in a dream world.

5. Leo (July 24-August 23)
With great personal charm and animal magnetism, Leos don't have to be good-looking to get some nookie. Leos are also romantic, which helps a lot in the free fuck department. However, all this charm is superficial, and though Leos make great one-night stands, they usually flop as spouses.
Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous. The phrases ?The check is in the mail?, ?I love you?, and ?I won't cum in your mouth? are all on the Top 10 Phrases to save for Leos.

6. Virgo (August 24-September 23)
A true horror in the sexual zodiac, Virgos are the only people who can become prostitutes and still claim to be virgins. A Virgo tends toward a practical and realistic attitude towards sex, so this little pun is not at all far-fetched.
Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat covers down on a clean motel john. They are the kind of people who insist on using the unopened tube of K-Y. If the condom isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't go near it. And complete showers, if not disinfected baths, are required both before and after. And if you even touch a Virgos asshole, kiss your tryst goodbye.

7. Libra (September 24-October 23)
Libras are anal retentives whose sole purpose in life is to be right all the time. They respond to admiration, praise and flattery, but only for a couple of seconds at a time.
Libras love living in style , especially if they cannot afford it. Show me a bitch who won't fuck until she's had jewelry, candlelight dinners in expensive restaurants & satin sheets, and I'll show you a loose Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that may be why they lead their spouses around on a leash.

8. Scorpio (October 24-November 22)
Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac. Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone normally ends in rape. The back seat is where he/she makes his/her moves. The trunk is whe

8. Scorpio (October 24-November 22)
Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac. Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone normally ends in rape. The back seat is where he/she makes his/her moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX?and his/her ?toys?.
In youth, Scorpios hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age, they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy.

9. Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
Their positive, optimistic enthusiasm for life makes these people fucking disgusting. They are a delight to be with, the life of the party, and are never a burdon to their friends, letting the woes of life roll off of them. Pretty nauseating.
A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and being a good fuck are also attributes of the Sag. So with all this going for them, what ever could they do wrong? Well, sad but true, the Sagittarius person is a great one-night stand, but a lousy spouse. They get married, and married, and married, and never get carried away.
They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it. A single Sagittarius is charming, but a married one is an obnoxious flirt who would sell his/her spouse for a roll in the hay with a new young stag/broad. And it often works out that way.

10. Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality, hardly ever fun to be with, but lots of class. They tend to look taller than they really are, and, speaking of which, Capricorn men always seem to have 10 inches, even if they really only have 3.
Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they are really conservative, tight-assed cowards?with class. These are the true snots of the world. But they make good supportive wives?.especially the men.
Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other people think of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are much more interested in appearances than any other sign. But if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even. They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees when they see you.

11. Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most original, inventive and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians fuck like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was probably first used as an elementary school coloring book for Aquarius kids.
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11. Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most original, inventive and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians fuck like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was probably first used as an elementary school coloring book for Aquarius kids.
Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp analytical perception. Thus, they can dream of a new sexual position and immediately know if it is a physical possibility. Advances in civilization, science, and new inventions are a special interest to this sign. Most sex aids were invented by Aquarians.
On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't give a shit for other people's opinions. At times they are careless, slovenly and absent-minded. Even odoriferous. People of this sign are the most likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass them on.

12. Pisces (February 20-March 20)
These wishy-washy nerds are the most sexually inept of all the signs. Pisces can't get it up, and Pisces women have pussies that are as wet and wide as the Mississippi. They often marry each other, which shows what nerds they really are. And of course they deserve each other. And it keeps the world fun for the rest of us.
The constellation under which they are born is sometimes called the ?armpit of the zodiac?, and it seems to rub off. There isn't enough Old Spice in the universe to solve this problem.
There isn't really much more to say about Pisces people. Except that creativity is often achieved through deprivation, and as a result, some of the most expressive artists were born Pisceans

"4. Cancer (June 22-July 23)
This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac. Cancers live for their homes and families."

Yeah, I read these a long time ago and I knew it was meant to give ppl a laugh, because my Aunt is a Cancer & she is one of the worst mothers ever & she doesn't live for her home nor family, so any sign can produce a great parent or bad.

"On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't give a butter for other people's opinions."

But I am a Aquarius and I'll have to admit this part is true for me, lol.

"deep down inside they are really conservative, tight-assed cowards?with class. These are the true snots of the world."

hahaha! CLASS! we got that😉

"But if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even. They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees when they see you."

uh huh!

"This is the guy who gets the woman into the bedroom with a promise of 10 inches and 3 times, and turns out to have 3 inches, but does it 10 times."

Excuse me ma'am! I just need to clear up one thing here. I would like to say that for me, it's more like 7" and only 1 time. Bust a nut, wash my dick, grab my shit, promise to call her tomorrow, and go. She calls back in a couple days asking how come I ain't called her.

Naw but really though...

That is some funny shit it says about us. Probably true for the most part too. I don't know about promising no 10 inches and 3 times though. Usually one time in one setting is good enough. So long as I gets mines.

"Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an enigma. Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then go do something absolutely different, they are not being two-faced."

LMAO. This happens a lot. I changed my mind!!!

this is quite hilarious 🙂

"Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac. Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone normally ends in rape."

I think I laughed a good 5 minutes after reading this.

Very Funny :-)
Gave Me A Good Laugh

lol

>>Libras love living in style , especially if they cannot afford it.

This is true from what I witnessed with my ex friend roomie.