Cheating or Assumption?

Ok this is the story how its happened:
Met man from overseas through work, didn't want to get involved given there was always going to be an end date. Man is still in the country and has been extended for another 2.5 years and has already been there for 15 months. Man chased, woman, woman finally got involved with him. Man went back home for a 2 week visit a few months in (woman didn't give anything concrete so accepts this occasion by the way)??_.man ended up sleeping with his married lover whom he had been involved with for 3 years (married woman was never going to get the divorce). Woman finds out months later that man hooked up with married woman on visit yet man never disclosed this information until she found out accidentally. Man decided he would —rid himself?? of the complicated relationship with married woman and declared a committed relationship with new woman. Woman asked many times whether he??d heard from married woman to which the answer was —haven't heard nor do I wish to—?_..all went well until he was to go back home for Xmas break for just under 2 weeks. Woman was invited to travel with him but he left it to the last minute to book travel and woman didn't have a chance to go with him. Upon dropping woman off before flying out that afternoon she asked once again who was picking him up and what he??d be doing. Man said that his best mate would collect him and drop him back to the airport and he had no intention of seeing married woman.
Woman, after his return back put the past behind and for 4.5 months enjoyed their growing relationship — not any fights, no arguments, same interests, and enjoyed every moment.

Man and woman prepare to travel back to his home in mid May, however, only 2 weeks prior woman sees an email from married woman as Man opens inbox to show an email of interest. Woman then uncovers that man had been communicating with married woman on a weekly basis, that she was still looking after his affairs, taking care of his cat and fish and paying his bills for him, driving his car and had picked him up from the airport over Xmas and the question I have for you all is:??_??_
Man said that he only called her to get updates on how the animals were going and if there was anything that needed his attention. Man deleted history of making calls/receiving and sending texts so if woman ever tried to snoop she??d find nothing. Man also said that —married woman drove for an hour at midnight to collect man from Boston airport in his car, then an hour back to his apartment in the middle of winter just days before Xmas and then went into her own car to drive to her mother??s house which was a further 20 minutes away.
Woman = me (was just easier to type LOL). Although I have made my assumption and Ive well and truly had my share of being cheated on, opinions will be interesting. This man has a history of cheating anyway which compounds things and well, probably has destroyed any future between us. I don't believe a woman that he shared intimacy with for a period of 2-2.5 years would go out of her way and lie to her husband once again to collect him, take him home and then let him be for 2 weeks after not seeing him for 6 months in between especially as I was not with him and she'd been taking care of his affairs.

Is this believable?

Whats unbelievable is that you haven't left him--this absurdity yet. 😢

And that is EXACTLY what Im deciding to do - guess you could call this therapy and confirmation that Im not just being paranoid, suspicious and/or a psycho girlfriend - Im quite happy to call it a day....really need that extra kick in the guts from all you lovely people. Ive left the emotions out as Im exhausted, horrified that he allowed me to believe he was actually only involved with me after he was the one who had those LONG conversations on how he wanted a committed relationship, how he loved every moment with me and how great it was. All the while having weekly chats on the phone and no doubt emails to a woman he was meant to kick to the curb at the end of August last year. She knew about me but of course she wouldnt care coz she was already cheating on her husband but he didnt once allow me to make the decision whether I wanted to continue on the basis he still had an "ex lover" in the background, a married one at that!!

Thank you 🙂

I have been dating him since late April, 2009 and we were MEANT to be in a fully committed relationship since late October, 2009. tis what he called it anyway and yes you're right. As I said, I kinda understood the first time given I wasnt at all seriously involved with him as we'd only been casually dating before his first trip in May, 2009.

Yes the pick up by her was planned well in advance...there was no late minute change. He just thought it was ok to deceive me. After asking so many times he never once disclosed they were communicating at any point during those 8-9 months. His excuse? "She wanted to continue to look after the cat and didnt mind driving out of the way and I thought it was easier her continuing to do everything rather than getting my mate to do it". When asking him why he never told me about the "friendship" as he calls it, his answer "I didnt want to hurt you, I didnt want to lose you"

It'd be one thing if he couldn't let go of a woman that was officially his from the past, BUT what makes it even worse is that he still can't let go of somebody ELSE's woman. You said yourself that you're aware of this man's repeated cycles of cheating in his past. It's not to say that once a cheat, always a cheat but then again, I think you have your answers, considering he's starting to show the same "signs" he was all those other times when he was up to no good.

This man already lied to you & told you that he didn't have any communication whatsoever with this other married woman. And the only reason you know that wasn't the truth was b/c you found out accidentally. And that's even worse, considering he had NO plans on telling you. And even when he did finally telling you b/c he no longer had a choice, he's STILL sugar-coating what it is b/w him & this other married woman.

When a person is done, they are completely done. This man still has unfinished business with this married woman. And instead of wasting all of your time trying to fill in the gaps and/or put all the pieces together & find out the whos, what's & whys, you should probably just chalk this one up & run like hell! It's 1 thing when you don't know, but it's another story once you finally get wind of the truth. Now that you know, make moves. His behaviors/actions/lies may never make sense to you & honey, to an extent, you can't expect someone like him to have a sense of honesty with you when in fact sleeping with someone else who is already married is literally nothing more than a relationship whose foundation sits on lies.

If he had moved on & THEN tried to convince you that he was done, I'd still warn you to be careful & take things slow. But hell no, this guy hasn't even been man enough to cut ties with this other woman yet. If he needed a babysitter for his things, he would've invested the time/money into someone else that he had no emotional ties with. If you don't let this man go, you are ALWAYS going to have to "SHARE" him with that married woman AND/OR perhaps other women as well. And if that's not your cup of tea, what are you waiting for?! This man is showing signs that he's not going to change any time soon. RUN!

thanks all - it has been done and I eventually got the admission out of him too. He's offered to go to counselling to get past his "bad habits" I wont be going with him, he's somebody elses problem now.

Thanks again, its no surprise as I suspected this since I was fed the story. funnily enough I only got that story when he was sprung by an email from his married mistress being careless as to where she sent her emails to him. What perplexes me though, was that there was nothing loving in the email - very matter of fact (thats what put me off the scent a bit) but then later on she sent an email whinging about how he was meant to be there for her while she got divorced (which she never got around to) and how she did this and that...so there was more to his story for sure....he was one foot in and one foot out with both of us.

I am more insulted than anything else that he was making the decision for me to stay with him for me rather than having the balls to at least let me know he wanted to have fun with multiple women.....these were discussions we actually had and he was adamant he wanted an exclusive and committed relationship. Its not like we didnt discuss for Godsake...that makes me the angriest - we went to the trouble of communicating about everything but well, thats the past now.

For those who check on their partners to see "interesting" texts and/or emails, etc? Some men are just way too sneaky, they know all there is to knowing about deception. Listen to your gut, watch the red flags - I guess I chose to ignore some of these but the gut feeling? its been there for a LONG time. The proof is what I now have - a confession.

Ive already walked out of this relationship and its him whose begging, him whose doing whatever it takes but yeah for how long? until next time, until he's comfortable again and gets bored with being a good boy - no thanks.

Krysrenee you described it PERFECTLY.....Its been a long time since Ive posted and I wont make a habit of it but if one woman reads this and avoids this pain? then its been for a reason because otherwise, I see no reason for this man to have consciously deceived me as he has - the insane part is that I dont think he realises the messes he makes, he thinks this is how life is lived. Its also a strong learned behaviour in his past - his mother taught him well....I say no more. Its driving me insane how he is trying so hard to save this so called relationship.

Thanks again :

@Chatz: =)
I'm glad you chose to leave the relationship. Sometimes staying around just for the sake of finding out the "Who's, what's, when's, where's & WHY's" is almost always a waste of time.

On 1 hand, I don't fault you for staying around & allowing him to reveal his true colors on his own. After all, TRUST is very essential & hey, sometimes our intuitions are ringing crazy alarms b/c of sure insecurities within us period moreso than b/c the person actually did something to set those alarms off. I'm all for listening to your intuition BUT I'm also all for believing a man when he's opening up about his downfalls (the things usually kept disguised/hidden).

Next time, don't wait around until you've finally gotten hurt & had no choice but to leave. I'm glad that you learned alot from the situation b/c hey, we've all been played/fooled before, whether we know it or not. Usually when our intuitions are setting off loud alarms, it's for a reason. Sure, always make sure that it's not just you being paranoid or feeling insecurities that started WAY BEFORE that person came along. But then again, know the difference. Intuition bells don't start ringing "WARNING" bells for no reason. And if they do, you can STILL learn the virtue of handling/managing your insecurities so that you'll in the future, know the difference b/c the insecurity bells vs. the "Something is truly off" bells; b/c OH there IS a difference.

Good luck to you. Honey move on. You might NEVER understand this man's issues or why he made the decisions that he did. And if you're really done, you will stop wanting to know. It'll always probably be one of those "I wonder/what if" situations, & all you can do is accept that & keep it moving. Sharing someone else emotionally OR physically is not ideal & if that's not what you signed up for, you've gotta SHOW em better than you can tell em that you're worth more than that.