Mr. Baggage update

Its amazing how when u have a gut feelin to go with it instead of holding off.. well thats the same way I feel about Mr. Baggage here. He just wasnt goin to get it. Ok 1st off after my last post Easter was here and he explained to me that he was going to visit his family from out of state (the same state him and his baby mom is from mind you) ok so I started to really fall back and collect my thoughts on this. He was so persistant in seeing me before he left, didnt happen bcuz I overthinking like why does he wanna see me so bad before he leaves?? I can definitely over kill some thoughts. So anyways the whole holiday weeknd I went home to see my family wasnt really thinkin about him bcuz all I could think was there's no way he's alone. NO call from him and I damn sure didnt bother to call him.

Ok so back to his normal routine when he gets back in town calling, texting saying how much he missed me on his trip. Really?? Not once did I mention his ex and her tagging along bcuz i know he didnt ride for hours in a car with jus him and those kids. OK so today our normal hang out time we met up for lunch. ANd this is where it begins, if I didnt explain before but its always certain times we meet up bcuz he is normally bizzy during the evening.. RIGHT?? The more I type the more I get so mad at myself. So he was askin if we could meet up at some random spot and I was like Oh no, dont think so. So I dont know came over me today to bust out and ask like really Why are we always seeming like this is on some sneaky, creeping around tip. I said Im single and u are too right— so why does it feel like im involved with someone that seems like MR. UNAVAILABLE (Tiki 33) LOL

After his response of nothing really I went on to say other things concerning his ex that bothered me. He explains their children this and her that yada yada yada, things I cant even remember bcuz it was sonding made up and I wasnt buying it. So to sum this all up later on I told him to keep it 100 with me. Yes, Im starting to really like u but dont want to get my feelings hurt. Then he calls me back to say he understands how I feel and that he thinks we should just fall back and be buddy level friends again.

Im not even mad bcuz I kinda was saying that when we met up for lunch, jus mad that I didnt actually say the words first. But I did ask him how do you expect to become involved with any woman when you havent offically ended everything with your ex (convenient pussy) is what I call it??

So after all that I guess Im asking is this immature for me to feel I didnt win bcuz I didnt say it 1st?? Is he thinking of me??

And the major part is that we say we will always be good friends no matter what but I know it going be a change and I HATE that bcuz I feel lik I lost a good friend... Jus venting.... Im more upset at myself for knowing this but yet thinkin wit my heart and not my mind.

What exactly do you want from this guy?

You know he's still emotionally tied up with his ex and kids so what exactly do you expect from him?

If you want someone for yourself why pick a man with so much emotional baggage with another woman which includes kids...

I guess just don't understand why your with a guy that can't for whatever reason give you a proper relationship...

The more time you waste on these kind of men the less time you have to create the kind of relationship you want...

@ Tiki 33 LMAO... I honestly just want my friendship that I had with him before we told each other we were attracted to each other. Before we step into that zone we were really goood friends that could talk about any and everything. Thats what I want from him.

Well a friendship worth saving has to be a friendship 1st worth actually HAVING 1st. This guy wasn't technically ever your "boyfriend" or man, leaving you 2 to only be just 2 friends who semi shared attraction. BUT, this guy was lying to you for some time now. He wasn't consistent, he wasn't truthful, & I'm sure the list can go on & on. So I guess my question to YOU is, what exactly (friendship-wise) are you trying to hold onto? If he lied about alot of little things, then he probably lied about everything, including MAJOR things that I'm sure, had you known for a fact in the beginning, there wouldn't have been ANY friendship to begin with. The whole friendship was probably a lie, not only with you BUT ALSO with whoever this "ex" is, who I'm sure he went to great lengths to hide you both from eachother.

At this point, it IS important that you acknowledge any mistakes (on YOUR part) that you've made BUT not for the purposes of beating yourself up or harping too much over this, but instead so that your logic can sort of keep you afloat & on your toes with this whole situation. This man lied to you & led you on. And to be honest with you, I'm not surprised that he immediately decided to use the "let's go back to just being friends" factor on you b/c alot of men, when they feel someone is hot on their trail, will pull that trick, as a way of stopping themselves from potentially getting themselves caught up or in more trouble than necessary. This man knew that you weren't an idiot & that you were slowly but surely catching on to his games. Don't think that he didn't notice you saying "no" all those times or you keeping your distance from him b/c of your suspicions..oh he DID notice.

Your best bet would be to just move on. If you sit & try to analyze all the "whos" whats, when's, why's, or where's of this, you'll just drive yourself crazy. If this guy has lied to you thus far, there is no reason for him to all of the sudden tell you the truth now. And I say that b/c it's important for you to realize that you just might not ever know the full truth to this situation. Maybe he really was still engaging in relations with his ex/baby's mother. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he really was interested in you, but then again, maybe he wasn't. Instead of focusing on what you DON'T know, try to focus on what you DO know..that way you can accept the wrongdoing you've done in this situation, make a vow to try NOT to allow yourself to get into and/or stay in this type of situation again..and after that? Just move on. Chalk it up. Of course it sucks for you b/c you obviously really liked this guy. BUT, you can't hold onto something that was never there, whether you actually THOUGHT it was or not. Not only are you too good for a lying boyfriend, BUT you're ALSo too good for a lying friend.

You still have feelings for this guy, so continuing on in a friendship void of trust, with him is not good for you, him OR his ex (that's probably being treated just as unfairly as you are). If this guy can own up to his mistakes later on in the future, then rekindling a friendship with him might not be such a horrible idea. BUT, as for now..just take some space, regroup & focus on YOU

Once people start exposing real heartfelt feelings like attraction and love, EVERYTHING CHANGES...You won't ever be the same with him...I don't see why you care about if he's with his ex and kids on a trip if it's just friendship...I think there has to be a level of honesty on your part. You say one thing to us here but in your original post you seemed overly concerned as if your in love or carry some type of deep affection beyond friendship.

Friends don't have to assert her position as being single and ask a man if he's single too, friends don't sneak around with people and friends don't have to call someone out on the behavior because that's an action most friends won't care about.

There has to be some level of you feeling like you want more from him or none of his behavior would have never bothered you so be 100 and tell us YOU REAL thoughts and feelings and not this sugar coated version....

What is your definition of friendship? You seem to throw this word around like you equate friendship as a relationship, that confuses me, if he's a friend then act like a friend with an attitude of who cares see you when I see you but that's not exactly the attitude you have about this man....You call him out about his ex, you call him out about how he seems to be sneaking around with you, that isn't friendship talk...You lost a good friend because boundaries were being crossed by exposing feelings beyond friendship...You felt slighted by his behavior but you knew all along this guy was/is unavailable by the way he behaved.

I agree with Tiki. I mean I get that 2 people can begin establishing feelings during just the friendship stage. After all, there has to be some level of motivation there in order for things to leap from strictly friendship to a relationship. BUT, this can be a dangerous thing if 1. The feelings aren't mutual and/or 2. If both people aren't moving in the same direction or at the same place; and your "friendship" with him was lacking all of these things. Just from what you've shared with us, it's apparent that you had feelings for this guy beyond friendship, so I'm almost positive that this guy (since he actually knows you beyond some website) picked up on this too. And to an extent, I kind of respect him for letting you go the moment you finally made your feelings for him verbal. I'm not jusifying all the dishonesty on his part, BUT had he not finally just broken everything off with you or verbally & literally said, "We should JUST BE friends," there's no doubt that you would've allowed this "fling" to continue. So depending on one's perspective, he sort of did you a favor. After all, he could've allowed this to fly into relationship zone, thus things would've been alot harder to walk away from. Once again, I'm not saying that his tactics with you were right, BUT now you know that you weren't the ONLY one seeing you 2 past friendship as a potential problem.

If you were going to bring up anything about his ex, you should've stressed the importance of him being honest with you about everything, vs. turning it into a discussion about who he should/shouldn't be riding in a car with, like a girlfriend/boyfriend would discuss. After all, it IS okay to expect AND demand respect & honesty even in friendships, BUT you have to know your place & where to draw the line. You knew you were crossing a very thin line, BUT you didn't stop yourself, thus it seems you're finally realizing why your intuition kept nagging at you all along. Your heart knew that this man & his friendship wouldn't take you to "Dreamland" like your mind wanted him to.

When you 1st start liking someone on a level past friendship, you HAVE to be make that clear to the other person, but yet acknowledge that things might not always be the same the other way around. AND if you sense that they aren't, don't stay around just to regret later that you did. Just check your emotions at the door. THAT is how you would've kept his friendship

There's a good chance that this guy was still messing around with his ex/baby's mother. And technically, since you were his friend, you should've spent MORE time being just a "friend" & letting HIM tell you the details of their relationship/friendship. BUT, the minute you let a man (that is NOT interested in you past friendship for whatever reasons) know that your emotions are taking over, he'll go into "game" mode, in which he'll immediately start doing everything he can to hide anything that might potentially hurt your feelings or cause him to lose the benefits of the friendship, if any. The minute you started questioning him & playing mind games & the "silent treatment" with him, you probably reminded him even FURTHER of why he wasn't ready/capable of entering into another relationship; and I say that assuming that he was already in 1 with his ex.

Plus, we all know that when it comes to a man & the mother of his kids, it's common for those types of circumstances to be complicated. And you'd be surprised, some men will actually be very honest about their relations with others, IF they don't feel that they are being watched or spied on through a microscope. If you come out swinging & questioning him like that of a jealous girlfriend, he won't trust that he can tell you the truth, out of respect for 1. Not wanting to hurt your feelings & 2. Making sure that your emotions don't take control so much so that you end up seeking/starting trouble with his ex/person he's in the real relationship with. When dealing with a man & a trip he might be taking with his kids, it is not your place to give instructions or rules on anything regarding how him & his baby's mother handle things. So what if he took a road trip with her? If he liked you that much, established some rules & boundaries with his ex, etc. technically, it shouldn't matter. But b/c you showed him that it DID matter, I wouldn't be surprised if he took your attitude as you either 1. Making him feel that he has to choose b/w you or his ex (in which that's a tacky thing to do, considering you should never encourage a faulty relationship with the mother of a man's kids). 2. Him feeling as if he can't please you & be a family with his kids & baby's mother all at the same time. Even if your intention wasn't to make him feel that way or see you in that negative light, all that matters is that he probably did.

Wait no, first we both were just buddy friends and I honestly told him we should just be that. But he was the one who initiated us talking to one another. We did have this cleared away in the beginning.

i have sat back and reflected on what I have done/ said to make all this come to surface but honestly I dont even care anymore. The only thing I didnt like was that he led me to believe that we had mutual feelings. And when he first approached me in a another way as being attracted to me and wanted to get to know me on another level, I told him I was never going to tell him that I felt the same way. And he actually was like why wasnt you going to say anything and I said that I didnt want to start anything with a friend that was going to end for something that is a misunderstanding and then we lose the real friendship.

LOL @ Tiki 33 I honestly did sugar coat that last post. But I guess I didnt want to tell every detail... ok so here goes....we became intimate and thats what change for me, and on some degree I mad at myself bcuz I was not trying to get my feelings caught up. But what made me mad was and why my simple question came out in the first place was when he wanted me to meet him at a relatives house in the middle of the afternoon, and I was like NO. ANd also bcuz he never made me feel like he was trying to squeeze me in. And I didnt ask in a harsh voice I just said how I felt fianlly, and to some degree Im glad I did bcuz I really dont need that in my life.

I havent contacted him since that day he wanna finally be real, but he did call me and wanna make jokes and act like the goofy friends we always act like....lol I am simply playing it cool and living with my not so wise decisions. @ krysrenee i do believe he felt that I was asking for more and in some ways I could see him taking that way. but I just liked us going out really. Like im never really available to go out on weeknds and so when I finally have to the opportunity to he was like we can do something but I never meant for him to think I was demanding more from him and thats whats REALLY upsets me now. I told him im no needy or clingy chick so us being cool friends again...and Im keepin it that way.

Sorry for the short verison, but gotta run to work LOL... thanks agian ladies

Well you're saying that your upset b/c things weren't mutual & that may not be the case. 2 people can start off a friendship with a mutual attraction to eachother. And those 2 people will convince themselves that they'll be okay with allowing the attraction to go further than friendship if need be (I.E. go with the flow). BUT, how we feel once that "further than friendship" attraction actually happens & becomes a reality is something completely DIFFERENT! That's a whole 'nother story. This guy might've really not minded taking things further with you in the very beginning, BUT it IS possible that somewhere a long the line he changed his mind and/or had a revelation that doing so wasn't the best for either him, you or you both as a whole.

Hell, we ALL would love to think & convince ourselves that if we find someone that we genuinely are attracted to, that we'd let the attraction run it's course without any pauses; we all say that in the beginning & sometimes we'll really mean it. BUt when that time actually occurs, that's when insecurities, fears & other issues might decide to come to the surface, & for some people, they don't usually realize there were limitations or anything stopping them until it's too late and/or until they're already in waist deep with the other person. And when a male actually takes the time out to think about things & where they are going, sometimes their decision ends up being completely the opposite from what they originally thought it'd be. And of course to the other person, (Especially if that realization results in 2 people not allowing things to go further) it's going to seem like the attraction was never there in the 1st place or that they've been fooled, duped or had been in a 1-sided bubble the whole time. BUT that is not always true. Sometimes we all start off in something with the best intentions & assuming that we'd still be as positive & willing if things were to go further, BUT it's easy for us to be so confident when feelings aren't YET involved, b/c without feelings, those insecurities, limitations, fears, etc. (whatever stopping a person) may not show up just yet.

The minute 2 people start thinking of eachother in terms of relationship-potential, that's often when things change. And if both people are in tune with themselves & in how much they'd be willing to give persay a relationship happens, there is usually a fairy tale ending. BUT it seems like he waited too late to finally access the situation

So what I'm saying is, don't necessarily assume that this happend b/c the attraction wasn't mutual. It could've been. Alot of people get so used to suppressing their insecurities or personal truths while ALSO expecting for things not to work out with others, that they'll naturally leap into a situation with full confidence in themselves & in the other person. BUT this happens b/c it's alot easier to be positive when the feelings aren't yet attached. And like you said, you 2 had a platonic & normal friendship way before the feelings got attached & I'm willing to bet that things didn't start to change until those feelings came into place. And it's no different than what happens sometimes when sex or intimacy comes into the picture. Things WILL change. They may not necessarily change for the best OR for the worst, BUT things DO change.

This guy might've actually liked you & had no problems being optimistic in a future with you, BUT the key though was in WHEN he was the most positive..was it before the feelings got attached OR afterwards? It's no different than a woman who is still a virgin. Sure, she might date freely & deep down be game for giving anyone worthy a chance at having her love. BUT the minute feelings get involved, THAT is when her fears of being sexually or emotionally taken advantage of might come out vs. those things stopping her in the beginning. The same goes for seeing a person's true colors. When we 1st meet someone else, we show them our best; we start off attempting to reveal our BEST qualities to other people. People don't normally start seeing those deal breakers or flaws until alot of time has passed and/OR until feelings (emotions bring out the TRUE version of a person & what their heart is truly capable of, regardless of what they thought before the emotions came out) come into play. I think this guy clearly made some mistakes along the way with you, BUT I wouldn't go so far as to say that he just plain out didn't like you or didn't like you in the same way that you did him. He knew that once you got attached to him, the game was really on & the reality hit. Whatever personal issues/challenges he was going through in his life (outside of you) were taken into consideration & even though he might've liked you all day long, he might've felt that it was BEST (not necessarily what he WANTED to do) that he not invite you into his life, atleast at this stage strictly BECAUSE of everything going on. He didn't want to be selfish