SURVEY: Having the Talk

Ok I need honest opinions here. (guys & girls) Is it ever a good idea for a woman to initiate the big "talk" about wanting to start a relationship with a man that she has been casually seeing? Is it best to let the man bring up this issue on HIS timetable? Or is better for the woman to bring it up? I've always heard that it's not a good thing to do but a couple of guys that I've talked to said they ended up being in their current relationship because the girl openned up and told him how she felt and what she wanted....

WELL SOMEBODY HAS TO START EVENTUALLY THE TALK BUT AS I RECALL I WAS THE INIATER ABOUT MOVING TO NEXT FLOOR. WELL GIRLS KINDA "EVEN THEY KNOW" IT KEEP QUITE. OOPS MAYBE YOU ARE PREGNANT AND HAVE NO 1 ELSE TO TALK TO?

"If you have no problem with insecurity, rejection, or abandonment. Go for it.
Some people will like you and some won't. Its a matter of not taking it personally and being able to move on if it does not work as planned.
Gotta be in that "emotionally mature" place to take such a risk."

wow....I dont think this could have been said any better. That answers my question. 🙂

"having the talk" - makes it sound serious.

I would try to keep it simple and really not "talk"! You can discuss casually and usually you can gauge the interest level from the other side!!"

Yeah, I agree, I kinda think its better to ask questions in a fun pressure-free kinda way. But sometimes, feelings get sooooo strong for that other person that you get to a point to where you can hardly stand to keep all inside.

If I've started seeing someone I assume it's monogamous unless it's been said that we can see other people. Maybe this is because I live in the UK and I've heard that dating in the US is slightly different in that you both see other people until you decide to just see each other.

I do actually ask them if we can see other people and the shocked and horrified reaction I get usually confirms that we won't! I just like to check after my experience with the Gem who already had a girlf and didn't bother to tell me!

I don't think there's anything wrong in initiating the 'talk' if you know what you want. Otherwise you could start investing emotions in a relationship which will end up going nowhere.

"If I've started seeing someone I assume it's monogamous unless it's been said that we can see other people. Maybe this is because I live in the UK and I've heard that dating in the US is slightly different in that you both see other people until you decide to just see each other."

It's funny that you say that. I came across this site a couple of weeks ago. Its a discussion forum from another site. Basically discussion difference in opinions in regards to what dating actually means in other countries. I was begining to think that I was crazy untill I read this. Because me personally, dating doesnt make sense to me AT ALL. To me: you meet someone...your both interested. You both express your feelings and start a relationship. To me, there is no point in "dating" mutliple people when you know you dont have those kind of "feelings" for that person. It's all in vain.

http://ask.metafilter.com/28643/What-is-dating-and-how-does-it-work<BR>

"I have no idea. My relationship and previous ones, we just kind of assumed we were a couple after we slept together. He started calling me his girlfriend, I started telling people he was my boyfriend. I didn't realise a talk was needed."

See...the idea of sleeping together and then hoping that he wants me to be his girlfriend afterwards.....I cant do that. Too afraid that he just wants sex. So I'm trying to figure out how to get the relationship first, and then let the sexual part take its course.

I believe that if the man loves you enough he will initiate the talk first.. even if he's considered a player in his 20's. You might be surprised how romantic men can be when they find the woman they need to marry to stay happy. No matter how dominating the boys I date are, I always end up being the man in the relationship with them asking about "love and marriage" and me brushing it off. And these aren't needy, unnattractive men in society's terms.

my suggestion is, if you have to ask him about the relationship, then it's not heading in the direction you desire.. maybe you need to re-evaluate your worth and decide whether what he offers at the moment is worth it. Honestly, being this type of "open and honest" only justifies his hesitancy. I don't believe it will change things for the better... maybe temporarily, if that.

This is only based on my experience, but my friends constantly ask me how I can turn these men into puppies. I don't really know how, but this is an issue very important to me, so this might have something to do with their attractions? Don't know.

"See...the idea of sleeping together and then hoping that he wants me to be his girlfriend afterwards.....I cant do that. Too afraid that he just wants sex. So I'm trying to figure out how to get the relationship first, and then let the sexual part take its course."


This sounds emotionally manipulative .. you would want the sexual part to run it's course, but, not the emotional.

In other words .. you really don't care about compatibility or trust or whether he's really feeling you or not .. you just want to find a way to get him to commit.

For the life of me, I don't understand why women these days are so confused. I seriously thought that women had a better handle on emotions than men, but, I'm wrong ....

If you have to "get" him, by thinking of a way to manipulate him into taking you as a serious girlfriend, rather than him wanting to because it is his desire to be with only you .. then there is nothing to get, except for a loss of your dignity.

Women appear so desperate, for the most part and it's very disturbing to me ..

What about yourself do you believe is lacking in your self-worth where you believe you have to "make" someone want you? Maybe it's an age thing.

Furthermore .. if this guy is NOT feeling you, then why exactly would you allow yourself to believe it's real if he did decide to "settle" with you?

I don't get it .. suppose, I never will ..

Men aren't stupid .. **sigh**

The problem is that so many women erroneously believe that men are supposed to show their affection like a woman does and so misses the clues.

Men will express like a man, not a woman .. the woman will overlook this, thinking the man isn't into her because he isn't being all sappy and emotionally expressive .. men show their feelings in other ways and for the life of me .. I cannot understand why women don't comprehend this.

Men comprehend that women are women and aren't going to scratch their crotch and talk about tits, like they do .. they comprehend that women are going to be all sensitive and emotional and don't expect these women to suck it up and be a man about it ... so, why can't women comprehend that men are going to show their affection like a man and not expect them to be forthcoming as a female?

I don't get it ....

"This sounds emotionally manipulative .. you would want the sexual part to run it's course, but, not the emotional."

NO. Not at all. I want the emotional to develope first in order to feel comforatable with having the intimacy and not feeling as though I am being used. Not a lot to ask for when it comes to giving my heart and my body.

"men show their feelings in other ways and for the life of me .. I cannot understand why women don't comprehend this."

A man's actions doesnt always come across to a woman that way he intended it to. (Hince my other "Did He get the hint" thread.) That will always be an issue. Men and women communicate differently. Plain and simple. Doesnt make either one of us wrong, it just means that we express differently.

well said, dyrstrz8.