Cheaters + Second Chances.

alrighty...here's a dillema for you...after 4 years of being together i find out my boyfriend cheated on me...i wish i hadn't found out, it ruined everything. apparently it happened at some random party with a random girl. he said alcohol was involved and he feels terrible about it. the only reason he told me was because i was playing around w/ his cell phone when i came across a message that said "are you gonna tell her"? i didn't really think anything of it, i asked him about it a while back and he had some casual response to it, no big deal, but lately he's been acting so strange, and rather distant..so i asked him to talk to me about his behaviour, and that's when he started confessing to me about his uhh experience...

...i felt like i've been hit with a giant rock, i mean i don't get it, how can you love somebody and fuck up like this? i understand alcohol makes you do stupid things, but how fucked up was he to have sex with another girl?....UGH and the part i hate is the fact i'm willing to hear him out, i want to give him another chance because he seems genuinely sorry...but the other part of me wants to throw a chair at him and tell him to get out of my life.

here's my question, can you forgive a cheater? is it worth a second chance?
i want to forgive but i feel like if i do...then i'm letting him know it's okay and he can get away with it.

Leave..it happened to me and you'll never trust him again.

p.s, that's the only time he got caught, there's probably been others.

I know its no consulation right now, but your still young and have your whole life ahead of you. He's just a minor occurrance along the way...

Sorry to hear that...86 his ass. Cheating is the worst thing someone can do.

Yes it sucks having happened after 4 years..boredom is also another factor..

Happened to me with a Pisces. Never looked back...

Excellent question emerald.. I've often wondered that myself. I think it is possible though to cheat in an otherwise happy relationship. I was married to my ex-husband since age 18 (was a virgin when I met him) I often thought about cheating just because of the "experience with another person" wondered my mind. I never did. Could never do it and if I knew of my partner had, they probably would have had to surgically removed some of my body parts from his....

thank you all for answering, it's given me some perspective cause i feel like no matter what i'm thinking...it's wrong. i should probably trust my feelings...i think what bothers me the most is we weren't even having problems, and 4 fucking years it feels like half my life.

anyways i haven't talked to him since he told me, which happened to be last night. i need space and time to think. overall i think i'll be alright i just need some composure.
oh and he's not a scorpio, he's a leo.

"......."it just happened" "

But this is normal. It can just happen. And itz not tough to put a full stop to it aft that. For some "sex" is just that .."sex".

I remember my relationship with a Leo..lasted a long while actually, and yes he cheated on me too in the very early stages, his psycho ex wouldn't leave him alone..turning up at the doorstep at 6am!..No excuse for it really..but I know things were real rocky between us two back then anyway..So I just walked away and started dating others too..somehow we ended up together again..and it lasted for aaaaages after that..but sadly in the end I wasn't in love with him anymore..but I never once thought about cheating on him. Just couldn't bring myself to do it..

I think when you truly love somebody and you have a rational head on your shoulders, you don't cheat. I loved my ex, he put me through school, took EXCELLENT care of us, I always wondered what an "experience" with somebody else would be like, but when I was tempted once, I couldn't do it (that's where the rational head comes in to play) I knew it was emotionally, morally or otherwise right. Than I realized that because I was entertaining thoughts in my head, it was probably time to call the relationship quits.

It doesn't just "happen" you have total control over your body and mind to make decisions, I love it when I hear somebody at work say "it just happened" those are usually the ones we end up educating about STD's upon their discharge.

Scorps are very sexual, however very loyal (female) when in a comitted relationship. Also very loyal to family and friends... So, yes I have been tempted more than once during my marriage... I loved that damn Libra so much, even if I never got caught the fact that I cheated would eat away at me for the rest of my life. This all flashed accross my eyes in a flash and all of a sudden those tempting feelings froze.

When you truly love someone, even when times are bad... You can't hurt them in a way that may never be recovered. I can't... I believe in making the best you can out of what you have. If that is impossible - leave and find a more promising relationship. Simple as that.

::raises hand::

Does kissing count as cheating?

:S

"Does kissing count as cheating? "

Thoughts of cheating would constitute cheating. If Uve started thinking about it already then drop the sham and go all the way. That way Ur partner will also live in peace.

gem: He's not physically here, but yes we're chasing after eachother. He came and had lunch with me at work, I couldn't tell if it was so he could scope out all the "competition" as he puts it. lol. but he knows I'm not ready for anything sexual.

Kinda bazaar that I was married and thinking about it constantly experience with somebody else, now that I have the opportunity, it's not as appealing. Grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

Lol @ EG..you terror!..No but could easily have turned into that..I put a stop to it..and walked off...but the dude started calling me names....moron!

gem: Thing 1 and I have turned into strictly e-mail buddies. Thing 2 is the subject now. lol. Feels weird saying that. He wants to meet my ex-husband and my babies, kinda not cool with that yet. But hey while we're on the subject of cheating, should I get gutsy and ask him if he's ever cheated on anybody.. lol.. or is that something you don't ask?

If you're going to chop his chicken, I suggest doing it with a dull knife...

Scorps intuition is going to know that I brought it up so that I could ask him about his behaviors...

I can't read what everybody wrote so I'm just gonna give my honest opinion and thought on the situation.

You have to look inside yourself. Skip what everybody else is saying. Do you feel as though he is worth it?

It's gonna be hard to trust him. I had it done to me and it was like...oh god it was horrible. Not to mention a baby came out of the situation.

I tried but...like I said you have to look inside yourself to see if he is really, really worth the aggravation and pain.

Good Luck Sweetie

Livelynurse: "Scorps intuition is going to know that I brought it up so that I could ask him about his behaviors..."

Yes your right!..

Any thoughts on what would be the age of the author of this thread ?...Wat was her age when she started this relationship ?

Perhapz that would shed some light on the level of maturity one can expect her "cheating" mate to have. Seriousness of the crime - juvenile ?

Obviously I checked that out before making my first comment..School days..but still..she must feel pretty poo!..

"Obviously I checked that out before making my first comment"

Ahh...Of course am aware of Ur talent. That observation was to help otherz. 😛

Don't start....

well, give him a second chance but don't get too attached to him and don't have high expectations cuz you might be hurt the same way again. but then at the same time he's a human being who gets tempted and as you said alcohol was involved i guess he didnt mean to do it. but the fact that there was a text msg from that chick saying 'are you gonna tell her' disturbs me a bit. it maybe that he's seeing her behind your back because then it's wrong and totally unacceptable.
the reason you want to give him a second chance is because you love him so i think you should give it a second chance but do tell him very clearly to not make it a habbit or else you'll be moving on.

"'are you gonna tell her' "

Perhapz the other chick was asking whether he would be telling U about the whole episode and moving away from U depending upon Ur reaction ?

And why wouldnt he delete the text from his cell ? Wasnt he cautious ?

Or was that strategic ?

yes i know the age plays a big part...we're both still young and have much to learn and experience but that doesn't change the fact that i still loved him... we started going out when i was 15 or 16... we were friends for 3 years before that so it was a comfortable, comforting relationship. i'm thinking with my head now instead of my heart because i really want to stay with him, but i feel that's going to damage me in the long run, i just can't picture myself trusting him...but whatever i'll get over it, things happen i'll move on. it's his loss anyway...

whoaitznara, keep your chin up gurl...

i can't even imagine what you must be going through....and nothing and no one can help but the passage of time. whatever you decide to do, have faith that you are doing what's right for you.

if you do end up moving on, it helps to look at this as an opportunity - he freed you up so you can move on and enjoy new experiences; and so that eventually you may be with someone who deserves you!!!!

"Alcohol doesn't have all that power, Alcohol influence can only make it hard to manage and control what's already marinating inside of you, but "The problem" is what's marinating inside of you not Alcohol."

Sound observation I must say. Not sure however whether alcohol has the same degree of effect on different people. Some may be good at controlling urges/instincts even after getting drunk and for some liquor may open certain compartments of their sub-conscious which even they may not be aware of ?

"it's only that they're drunk that they'll think they can get away with it...."

yup

i don't agree with the idea that alcohol isn't to blame for some mistakes. some people say that the "truth" comes out under alcohol's influence--and sure, to some extent, but not to the entirety. some people have sex with incredibly hideous people while drunk... is this the "truth?" are we physically attracted to these people on any level consciously? to be more blunt, i remember hitting on girls that would otherwise turn my stomach if i were sober. my perception is completely off and i misread situations and can't see (metaphorically and physically) clearly under the influence.

howeever, to me, the issue isn't that alcohol "made" him sleep with someone else. the issue is that he allowed himself to be in such a position, where his judgement would be impaired and something like this could happen. that is the decision that i think is more damning than the fact that he slept with someone else while drunk.

What Bling said..

i've been taking some time away from him to gain some composure and not talk to him for a while. i was really pissed off and i didn't want to see him because all i would have done is just yell at him and call him names, which really wouldn't amount to anything. anyways, he's been calling non stop so i told him to meet me at a cafe, we sat down and i told him that i was really hurt and betrayed, because to me if i'm with a person that's it...i'm with THEM...i may glance at a guy and think oh he's cute, but i never act on it, if i love a person i could never think to betray them or do something that might hurt him, anyways he talked up a storm about how he was under the influence, his moral state was impaired...while he was saying all this i just couldn't help but want to stay with him... i'm not saying we were perfect but we had our own little world and that was nice. however i realized that if i stay with him i'm lowering my self respect...and it would be for the wrong reasons, maybe this is the time for me to move on and meet other guys, you learn and you move on...
so i broke it off. i don't think he saw it coming, i'm usually the one who compromises and tries to fix things, i think he thought i would forgive him and make it work. he was pretty fucked...
it just feels weird right now, we weren't just bf/gf we were also friends, it's almost like i lost 2 people.

whoaitznara - sounds like you did the right thing for yourself; and what's more it really sounds like you've handled this whole situation with composure and good judgment. it's especially impressive to see this level of emotional maturity in someone so young; i hope that doesn't sound condescending in any way...in fact that's where i aspire to be.

i also agree w/ roxijam that should you decide to consider getting back in the future that a lot of time and growing up on his part needs to happen. fiddlesticks said
"the issue is that he allowed himself to be in such a position, where his judgement would be impaired and something like this could happen." this is absolutely key - i myself avoid these situations to avoid ending up with 'elephant men' as someone else put it...

good luck to you and cheers to you for starting 2007 full of new possibilities ...

thanks to everyone that responded...believe it or not your guy's advice really helped.

oh and happy new years to everyone. fresh start, new memories, and all that junk.