confusion clarified!

The situation with my philandering Scorpio has kept me in such a tither that I've searched the internet endlessly for some answers. Fortunately, I think I've finally found the answer. My man is a sex addict. If you've read my previous postings (Confused, Confused no more and Confusion Continues)you'll know the background. Since there may be others of you that have encountered the same problems, I'd suggest researching the subject. Sex addicts, just like alcoholics and drug addicts have a physiological/psychological need to satisfy the cravings, which they do in various ways and typically with multiple partners, be they strangers or "friends". Unfortunately, their partners or wives are just as badly in need of help as the addict. So, yes, I'm sick too, and co-dependent... and I can't fix him, I can only get help for myself. The good news is..... if you can consider it good news, is the fact that the addict does not seek out other partners due to any lack on the part of his mate, he simply does it because it is a perceived need, so the experts advise the mate not to take it personally. Just like an alcoholic drinks, not to hurt his mate, but to satisfy a craving he can't control, so the sex addict continues to seek out sexual partners to satisfy his "need". Another fact that was pointed out on one of the websites regarding this matter is the fact that men are more capable of separating "love" from "sex" whereas women tend to equivolate(sp) sex with love. Therefore, the sex addict (and it also states that the majority of them are male)can separate his "love" life from his escapades with relatively little difficulty psychologically. Although the problem is progressive and damaging, just like alcoholism, unless or until the addict can admit and desire help, he or she will continue down the same path. So, my dilemma continues, but at least I know the "reason" why he does what he does. Whether he and I will ever resolve the problem remains to be seen. I really wish I could walk away but, unfortunately, I can't seem to find the will or resolve to do so. Another point that was made by the "experts" on the subject of sex addiction is that even if the partner of the addict does leave the relationship, they must seek help because there are unresolved issues with their past that lead them to this type of person. In retrospect I can honestly say that I've not had a single long-term relationship that was not fraught with infidelity. So, yes, I'm a sick-o too. Wish me luck. Just hope that anyone else out there suffering from what I am can get some help or if they have mates that are addicts, they can be better prepared to cope with it.

Confused ,

Your on the right track darlin!!! I've been there and done that. You also know that the addict is the one who controls the emotional barometer in the relationship. There will be only chaos and unhappiness until he gets help, and then he has to first realize he has a problem!! Does he??

You have to stay focused on yourself and not get pulled down into the abyss yourself. Your partner is playing Russina Roulette with his own life by playing around with multiple sex partners. You know what could happen.

Cointinue to find the support you need and know that when you are strong then everything else will fall in place. I know that sounds easier said than done. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving in the right direction and don't walk backwards. It's going to be hard but you sound like a strong woman and you got yourself out of one bad situation, you can do it again!!

Next time we here from you, your title will read. I"M BACK and I"M at the TOP of my GAME!~! only then will you start attracting the kind of men that you are so worthy of!!!

Keep the faith you'll be fine!!!

I didn't mention that the problems we were dealing with were drug and alcohol related, but I think that any addiction is perpetuated in the same manner. I'm almost 10 years clean now and I have had a few set backs. I just keep trying everyday.


There is really no other way. The choices were so limited. Jail or death eventually. It made it a little easier to make up my mind. I actually had to move 3,000 miles across the country to get away from all the people I knew that were using. Sometimes you have to take drastic steps to change. I did find out how strong and how much of my talents I was wasting. All the energy I was spending chasing what we called the 'bag' and spending up to two hundred dollars aday and the disgusting life style I was into, was sad. If it had been spent productively, I could accomplish great things. And I have.

Alot of addicts are not stupid people, quite the opposite; they just got into some stupid situations. Alot of former addicts go on to do really wonderful things with their lives. The hard part was the first step, and for along time I felt as if something or someone had died in my life. There was this huge empty whole left that felt unnerving. The drug was calling me back so to speak. I would see old friends and they were still using and the desire to go with them was so strong. For me drugs were way better than sex. The feeling of uphoriah, the climax etc.. was similar but still not as good, for me.

That is when I decided to sell everything I had left, which wasn't much, by a big huge car and loaded me and the two dogs and a friend and a few belongings and just drove away. That way I didn't have to see the same friends still using and the pull was still their, but I had noway of getting it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done without a doubt. I still have moments when I would like to do it again. Then I just go outside and work in the garden or go for a walk etc...stay busy; do something!!!

I hope you stay focused and get some help. Nobody can talk a user or addict out of using or abusing!!! They can only do it for themselves.

Thanks for sharing. I'm actually in a 12 step program for alcohol abuse myself. I think it may be what's lead me to realize that all problems have a root, it's not just people "being the way they are." Something somewhere has triggered our dependency, and resultant use and abuse, that continues unless we admit the problem and seek help. The program allows me to be much less judgmental and just worry about what I can accomplish through my higher power. I still love my mate as a wonderful human being, made in God's image, just faulty. I've confronted him and he doesn't feel he has a problem, but of course he assures me it was just a phase and he's resolved his issues. Whether it's the truth or not will come out, but I've made a decision for my sake and that is abstinence. We've not engaged in any sexual activity in over two months -- and for me, a Scorpio, I thought that would be hard, but I realized I had to do it for my sanity and I told him that in spite of the fact that I can give of myself in every other way, I must hold back something to keep my sanity. We carry on pretty much like an old married couple. I'm just leaving it in God's hands and working on my alcohol dependency. Thanks for sharing with me and good luck. I know life does get better when we get help for our addictions.

Good Job!! I would also recommend alanon. It is specifically for the partners of addicts. Co-dependents, like you said, are also sick. The whole household is effected. But you must realize that you are playing a big part in his continuing in the behavior. You are the type that is nurturing him and proping him up. It's like a ship going down; your strong enough to make it to the shore except he is holding on to you and you'll both end up drowning. Somewhere the cycle in the home has to be stopped. Otherwise, I have seen women 15 and 20 years down the road still going to meetings for the same reasons. They lost the best years of their lives.

You sound too intellegent to let these guys do this to you. Don't you think you deserve better?? and if not, why not?

Look, their are places where you can go for shelter and support. The stuff you went through in the first marriage needs to be healed first. You deserve so much better.

I am very compassionate towards addicts. It's a very degrading life style . But, it's such a selfish life style and nothing else matters to an addict. Not peoples feeling, not family, not dependents; the entire focuse is just feeding the endless craving and addiction. Is that what you want to settle for?

Your heart sounds so heavy. I feel your pain to the core. Please do something nice for yourself!!!

May God bless and keep you may he shine upon you and be gracious to you as you are trying to do yourself. We are all just as helpless as the day we where born when it comes to healing the hurt. Give if up to God and let him carry these unbalanced burdens. The courage it takes to face the truth is a strenght that can easily be weaken by association with weak and needy people. Spend time with those who really can't help themselves (the disabled)to continue to feel your strength and blessing. For all love is from God. Take your place as one of his children and you will always feel loved.

Amen 24.

thank you 67 and 24. This is the second time I've read what you both had to say and it is so true. Thank you both for your compassion and insight. Sorry it took so long to thank you.