Are all Virgos this frustrating? UGH

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Thatgirl
@Thatgirl
15 Years

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We text all day, we talk all night. It's going on 3 months. He says the nicest things to me yet he says we aren't "together." He says he doesn't want to rush it and hurt me. I take that to mean he doesn't want to move forward? I asked him if I'll even know if he decides he wants to be together he says absolutely. FFS how long do you have to go on dates, talk exclusively etc to be in a relationship?
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Amandus
@Amandus
15 Years1,000+ PostsVirgo

Comments: 9 · Posts: 2945 · Topics: 22
You could go on a gajillion dates with him, talk to him until you go deaf, put tomatos to shame when you hear him say something sweet and still never be together in a committed relationship.



The way I see it...you have choices. Wait for him to make his decision as you comfortably live your life or move on?


Or, or, or you could totally bed him hoping for a sealed deal. But that usually doesn't end well...usually more at the female's expense.




To answer the title, yea. Pretty much.
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Thatgirl
@Thatgirl
15 Years

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His last relationship ended really bad and he's terrified of being hurt again, this is what he tells me. When I say maybe we should see other people if he's not ready to commit he does not like it at all and he tells me that he made the choice not to see other people because he wants to see where this can go. I'm just confused. He knows it too because he will get very concerned when my mood changes and try to smooth it over. He said something about being in a happy relationship only makes him think of how much it can hurt later. There's so much push/pull.
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P-Angel
@P-Angel
20 Years25,000+ PostsPisces

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Posted by Thatgirl

His last relationship ended really bad and he's terrified of being hurt again



Sounds like a good reason to be cautious.


Posted by Thatgirl

When I say maybe we should see other people if he's not ready to commit he does not like it at all .....



What the fuck? I don't get why women put pressure like this. It's like the moment a guy gives a woman an inkling of interest ... she zeros in on him and dumps all of her insecurities on him. And it is insecurities .... why else would you HAVE to a commitment when you haven't even made it past stage #1 = getting to know each other.


Posted by Thatgirl

.. he wants to see where this can go.




Hello, come in ^^^^^^^^ can we say 'reasonable'?


Posted by Thatgirl

I'm just confused. He knows it too because he will get very concerned when my mood changes and try to smooth it over.



You're not confused .... you're insecure with yourself, and looking for someone to take of it for you .... why else are you going all moody on him to fix for you? If you are feeling insecure about something then keep it to yourself to sort out your feelings .. if you get moody about your insecurity in front of others then it means you want others to take care of it for you.


Seriously ... are you a Cancer or what?


Posted by Thatgirl
He said something about being in a happy relationship only makes him think of how much it can hurt later.
click to expand




And he would be correct, since he has experience with this exact thing.

why don't you try understanding where the man is coming from?
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Candeh15
@Candeh15
15 Years1,000+ PostsVirgo

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*palmface*

P-angel lined it out perfectly. As a girl, I would be lying if I said that I became very insecure when a guy seemed unsure of what he wanted from me and from us together, but you're missing all the points here. When a virgo likes you, he'll stick around. Virgos are cautious people to begin with; this virgo is being smart. He's taking a step back, looking at the whole situation before jumping into it, but still courting you at the same time. Look at what you're saying: he's there for you when you feel uneasy, he tells you he wants to take it slow to see if it'll work, he basically WANTS to go somewhere with you, but he's waiting for you to prove that you'll be a catch. And you basically said, "maybe we should see other people." You're fucking with that virgo's hope.

We're not that complicated. YOu're just looking at it all the wrong way. Please, if you want to have anything with this virgo, chill out and just go with him. Virgos go at their own pace, but promise you, if you likes you, he's going to be there with you every step until he figures it out.
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Thatgirl
@Thatgirl
15 Years

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Posted by P-Angel
Posted by Thatgirl

Posted by Thatgirl

When I say maybe we should see other people if he's not ready to commit he does not like it at all .....



What the fuck? I don't get why women put pressure like this. It's like the moment a guy gives a woman an inkling of interest ... she zeros in on him and dumps all of her insecurities on him. And it is insecurities .... why else would you HAVE to a commitment when you haven't even made it past stage #1 = getting to know each other.


---It wasn't pressure. If he's saying he doesn't want to be committed, how can he expect me to be committed to just him? Basically, I was pointing out that it certainly seems like we're in a relationship.


Posted by Thatgirl

.. he wants to see where this can go.




Hello, come in ^^^^^^^^ can we say 'reasonable'?


Posted by Thatgirl

I'm just confused. He knows it too because he will get very concerned when my mood changes and try to smooth it over.



You're not confused .... you're insecure with yourself, and looking for someone to take of it for you ....

---I pull back when I think he doesn't care. I want him to know I want this but I feel like an idiot just standing there with my feelings out there getting nothing in return. So, yeah maybe that is insecure. I've never been with someone who didn't make it obvious how they felt so to me it seems like he wants it to end but wants me to do the ending. Then when I back up he comes on full force. I only want him to be happy and if he's trying to be nice and back out I wanted to help give him an out.

Seriously ... are you a Cancer or what?

--Pisces with Taurus moon, he's Virgo with Pisces moon

why don't you try understanding where the man is coming from?
click to expand




I appreciate your reply. I have never dated a virgo. I know that for me, if I'm unsure after almost 3 months..I don't want it. I'm not used to the super sweet then super distant attitude. Anyway, last night after drinking with his friends he called me and he told me he's known his whole life that he has trouble putting his feelings out there and that
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applemint_fv
@applemint_fv
17 YearsVirgo

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Posted by Thatgirl
he's terrified of being hurt again



hmm then expect a Longggg ride.
3months feels like 3days to me.
with a Virgo.. it'll take a long time.
but with a Virgo who has been hurt before? longer

so are u willing to wait? what's your sign? expect the pushing/pulling. he's giving u so much, he's only dating you... he comforts u when u don't feel good. just 3months and u want to be exclusive? please. asking for more will only make him leave.
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Thatgirl
@Thatgirl
15 Years

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See that's the thing. He doesn't want us to date other people but he goes out of his way to say we aren't together. My point with the "maybe we should date other people" was that he's putting restrictions on something he says isn't there. His exact words were, "I like to give people just enough rope to hang themselves with."

I'm a Pisces btw.

I was totally willing to wait until last night. I caught him in a lie. I don't handle being lied to well and he kept lying to cover up his lie. He actually said he thinks it's awesome that I brought it up and that he has a lot of respect for me not willing to put up with a liar but that he wasn't lying. When he finally realized there was no way to get out of it, he admitted it. Then he says, "I'm sorry you were hurt, that was not my intention."

6 weeks ago he told me he got a phone call about a family friend who died. There was going to be a memorial this weekend in Louisiana. That's a 4 hour flight from where he lives. An hour after he tells me he's on his plane he tells me he landed. Turns out he was in California. He said he lied because he thought I would think he was visiting his ex. WTF. It's the lie that makes me think that. You don't lie unless there's something to hide.
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applemint_fv
@applemint_fv
17 YearsVirgo

Comments: 2 · Posts: 350 · Topics: 10
Posted by Thatgirl

I caught him in a lie. I don't handle being lied to well and he kept lying to cover up his lie



I always lie.
when I don't want someone minding my business. not really because I'm hiding something from u or trying to hurt you. but I am just secretive & like being by my own sometimes.... not having someone questioning me why where who when.. I would also lie when the truth will hurt the person..or when the person would be suspicious of me. to avoid unnecessary conflicts, I will lie. but when I should be totally honest, I will be. even if it's an ugly truth.





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applemint_fv
@applemint_fv
17 YearsVirgo

Comments: 2 · Posts: 350 · Topics: 10
Posted by Thatgirl

I caught him in a lie. I don't handle being lied to well and he kept lying to cover up his lie



I always lie.
when I don't want someone minding my business. not really because I'm hiding something from u or trying to hurt you. but I am just secretive & like being by my own sometimes.... not having someone questioning me why where who when.. I would also lie when the truth will hurt the person..or when the person would be suspicious of me. to avoid unnecessary conflicts, I will lie. but when I should be totally honest, I will be. even if it's an ugly truth.





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curious visitor
@curious visitor
16 Years500+ PostsLibra

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i think that if he's gonna lie, he should have the decency to stick with his lie, act like it's true. in other words, he shouldn't have told you he lied. he should have waited til he would have arrived if he'd gone where he told you he would instead of calling as soon as he landed and told you he lied.

if someone lies, they should have the responsibility to keep that on their own shoulders, weighing themselves down with it, instead of hoisting it off onto the other person.

if someone lies to me, i like to pretend i haven't caught on, so they can feel the guilt they deserve to feel. or they can think i'm a chump for not calling them on it. either way.

oh, but my point is that you should dump his ass. he's clearly a douchebag.

it's one thing for a guy to take things slow. it's another thing to give you a play by play of it. it bothers me the way he's told you the things he has. (as a libra, i've gone along with it when guys thought we were in a relationship...either it wouldn't work out and we'd "break up" or it would end up becoming a relationship and there'd be no harm done. i prefer my approach. it's nicer. i never had to hurt anybody.)

like, he wants an exclusive relationship, but he won't let you call it an exclusive relationship? sounds like an asshole to me.

do your own thing. date other people if you want. answer his calls when you feel like it. force some distance. don't give him feelings if he won't give you the formalities that go with them. don't give him a relationship if he won't give you one either.

he'll either be forced to treat you right if he likes you enough to do it, or he'll move on and you'll see that he never liked you all that much to begin with. either way, you won't have to deal with this shit any more.
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applemint_fv
@applemint_fv
17 YearsVirgo

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based on my experience, Libras have no problem jumping into a relationship fast. they don't mind getting to know u further when they have entered a relationship. they like being in a relationship and being in love(by their definition) .....just because they are in love with love, not really the person.

but as for me, a virgo..I have to observe and analyze u first..and this process, unfortunately takes a long time. yes he doesn't want to be exclusive yet..because he's watching you. he's doing his analyzing. if in the end, he has decided(not feel) that you are not the girl he wants to be with, he will let u know. if he wants u, then he'll act on it.

don't just put your focus on him. you should date others as well. don't put your focus on one man, he might not be the right one for u 🙂 and know what you want, if you should leave, do it.
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curious visitor
@curious visitor
16 Years500+ PostsLibra

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^ i've jumped into things fast. but i've also simply avoided dating people at all. it's not a desire to be with anyone at all, it's a desire to be with one specific person if i happen to fall for him.

some libras are just 'in love with love', but a lot fewer than you'd expect. we're mostly cynical as fuck.

i just don't think you can test something unless you actually test it. if this guy is worried about things, he needs to give it a try first. if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but as long as he's just hanging out, he's not finding out what she's like in a real relationship. you can only know what a person is like in a real relationship by entering into a real relationship with them. you've got to be willing to risk it, you've got to be willing to fail. i know that's not the virgo strong point, but it isn't the libra strong point either. we're perfectionists too. we're just a lot more honest.

if a guy is "dating" you but not actually dating you, it means he's bored. it's just entertainment. it's company. you're safe. he knows you like him. he knows he can have you if he wants you. he clearly doesn't want you. he's biding his time. he's hoping he'll meet somebody better, and maybe if he doesn't he'll finally give in and give you the relationship you want.

all this girl wants is a dating relationship. she's not asking him to marry her. she's not asking him to jump ahead to their 50th anniversary sitting on some beach yelling "what?" because they've both gone deaf. she's just asking him to call it a relationship.

when i was younger, i was the cool girl. i'd shrug if a guy didn't want to define things. i was patient. and later on, i'd find out every single time that he'd never been into me at all. i was just a piece of ass. or i was just a fun girl to listen to music with while he waited for someone he liked enough to move fast with. and you know what else i discovered? that a lot of those guys were mostly just turned off that i didn't respect myself enough to walk away. turns out, a lot of them would've made it more if i'd stopped giving in. of course, i'd also have been turned off by their games, but that's a different matter.

the thing about virguys is that if they like somebody they move FAST. fast fast. there's a ton of stories on this board about it. when they move slow, it usually means they want to like a girl, but just don't. she seems right on paper, but the spark isn't there. and virguys NEED the spark. otherwise, just move on.
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tiki33
@tiki33
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I'm going to add the female version to 25th, he may not like what I'm about to say but here goes.

Thatgirl I completely get were you are coming from, but remember you are the boundary setter/rule setter of your own life and if you don't have something in place from the very start these situations like the one you're in can be really hard if the man is calling all the shots on how these are going to be paced but the reality is "you're allowing him to call the shots" I understand this could easily push a man away if you chose to date other men whilst he makes up his mind and yet that's exactly what you should be doing instead of investing 100% of yourself to any one man that isn't sure about you. It's not about him 100% so he doesn't get to run the show and make up all the rules and yet you have to be brave and bold enough to stand for something or get rolled over.

Having options keep you free from anxiety, even if you don't want to date other men to strengthen your odds of finding that right guy for you that wants to be in a real committed relationship and isn't necessary going to string you along for months at a time you can still place boundaries on how much of your self/time/energy you are willing to give over to a guy to prevent yourself from turning the connection into an instant relationship which is the kiss of death to any potential relationship.

I so many women just go along with what he wants to do and all of them are miserable inside, the misery comes from not being true to yourself, yes she's upset and pissed and full of anxiety and complaints but she never takes into consideration that it's okay for him to not want a relationship just like it's okay for you to focus more on your life which includes dating other men as well and the great part about it all is is that you get to set your own rules so you won't get stuck with situations like the one you're in.

He set his rules, he told you that he's not ready for a relationship and that he's choosing to not see other people and YOU JUST WENT ALONG WITH IT.....Had you not went along with "HIS" rules you wouldn't be stuck, you could have easily told him that you respect his reasons for not exploring a relationship with you and respect his boundaries but you have your own set of boundaries and rules that you live by and you'll be abiding by them but I notice most women don't have any rules or boundaries and those women get confused and walked all over.

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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

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3 months is not very long and it's completely okay for this guy to not want a relationship with you but were you fail to have your own back is that you are throwing all your eggs in his basket and becoming anxious and naggy over it and that will not only make a man feel like he has to lie to you but he'll also feel like he , had you continued to date other men you wouldn't feel anxious nor would be concerned with how slowly he's pacing himself. His lying is a clear indication that you need to back off and stop chasing him for a relationship, if waiting for him to make up his mind is making you feel miserable, paranoid, angry, anxious inside then find something else to do with your time and energy, go out on dates with friends, have someone fix you up on a blind date, get a new hobby or get interested in an old hobby but just back off or he'll eventually dump you.

If he lie once and you don't set a consequence for his lying, he'll lie again and again and again and maybe he has been hurt in the past but you have to be the girl that says so what, you're either in or you're out and if you're not sure then I'm going to keep doing my thing (dating, having fun until you figure it out).

If you don't like the situation your in then change it, you don't need his permission to change your mind.
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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

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typo

that will not only make a man feel like he has to lie to you but he'll also feel like he has to run AWAY from you in order to have a life outside of you and that's the very thing you don't want from a man, you don't ever want him to feel he can be himself, live his life with you around. So clearly all the focus, pressure, attention you are giving him is not appropriate given that you are both in the get to know you stage of the relationship and you giving him your complete focus is turning him off and the inevitable end is him moving on to someone else that "GETS IT"....I'm not sure why he threw in that I'm not going to date anyone else while I'm with you line but clearly him saying that has created deep confusion for you b/c it's him having one foot in and one foot out....My suggestion is to let him continue on not dating others but you don't have to shut your options down b/c of what he wants to do, I may get some flack for saying that but that's how I feel about it.
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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

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Hi ever! IMO and it's just an opinion

when a man says I will date you and I don't want to date anyone else it's misleading and manipulative, it's his way of keeping other men OUT of his territory, the woman shuts her options down because she's sure he's going to give her a real relationship and yet she notices the days and months dragging on, as she grows unsure and anxious well he gets to relax, he gets to have her all to himself and if something better happens to show up well we know that story and she has nothing to fall back on, it's man-code for you are good enough for now but I won't give you a title and I won't label it as real relationship, that leaves things pressure free for me, I get to be single, go do my thing and have you as a back drop to my real life and maybe include you in my life if your a good girl. It's all bullshit IMO lol, been there done that, only when I got my shit together and knew what I wanted is when I stopped settling for crap like what she's going through.

He'd done better to not say anything and just date her but b/c he's greedy and want to keep the competition out he's locked her down but it's not his fault that she's locked in, IT'S HER FAULT, had she not went along with his way of being with her in the first place she wouldn't be stuck, had she had her own boundaries, rules, standards she wouldn't be in this situation.
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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

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Had she said to him what she wanted then things probably would be different. For me I would have made it clear that I didn't want anyone shutting themselves down from other people, I would prefer that we openly date one another and have the option to date others as well until one of us decides to be in a real committed relationship.

My point being is that when he came to her with the I don't wanna date anyone else line, instead of getting all la la land gaga over what he said, instead take a deep breath, step back and really took into consideration what it would mean for her to shut other men out of her life while she dates him exclusively, address what doing that means for her and how that would effect her and her life first before agreeing to something such as not dating other people while she dates him.

IMO like so many women do, they don't think about how something is going to effect them until they get into it, I've learned to look out for myself in a way that I always look at how other peoples decisions, choices and actions will effect my life.
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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

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Well that's a somewhat cynical view, although realistic. If the tables were turned would your opinion be the same ?

The person I am today I could say yes my opinion would be the same if the tables were turned but at the time I was okay with it b/c no one should lock another person down unless he/she is ready and available to be in a real relationship. That may come off as cynical but I personally don't care for people attempting to control me with a relationship or possibility of having one. You're in or out and if your not in stop trying to shut me down from other people LOL

He locked himself in and then expects her not to act like they are exclusive with one another when he's telling her he's exclusive by not dating other women, NONSENSICAL double talk nonsense, that in and of itself can be straining on a woman.
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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

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It's nothing wrong with putting me first, yet I'm not so selfish I won't take anyone else into consideration. I'm older than a lot of the women here so I've been down the paths they are now taking and made some of the same mistakes and felt the same feelings of confusion and anxiousness, I didn't get engaged by accepting nonsense, I knew what I wanted and vice versa, it just flows easier when both people are being real with one another and taking one another's choices and standards into consideration and not selfishly locking one another into something that isn't real.
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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

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"But..screw the zodiac stuff for a min, because everyone's experiences are different....
Know what you want..be consistent..if you try to play a game then you're gaming and NOT getting to know someone. These things take time. Relax...forget a timetable and don't second guess yourself or your mate based on titles. "

I agree...just keep it real with yourself so you can keep it real in your relationships, if a title isn't important to you then great you are with the right guy but if it is important to you then don't do it, you'll only create confusion and frustration for yourself.


"That said..he SHOULD man-up and make the title...or move on."

Real talk

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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

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"Also people only pull out the 'date other people' card when they already have someone lined up imo, so why the pretense ?"

LOL!! I just read this...I like you sooo much, no homo

But in all sincerity I've dated other people and no I didn't have anyone lined up, I wasn't locking myself into anyone person b/c for me it didn't make sense to do that, plus I did enough locking myself in with men that claimed to date only me to know how that story goes LOL so I had to transition out of worrying about what a man is doing not doing and begin to focus more on what I'm doing and not doing for myself and how that is effecting my life, I decided for me no more men that relationship straddle, no more men that are afraid to give the relationship a title and the more I was able to say NO MORE DRAMA to the type of men that wasn't bringing any real fulfillment into my life VOILA everything changed, hell I got engaged after that, it wasn't easy, it took was some focus and some real heavy thinking about what I wanted and didn't want and standing by it.
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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

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Posted by 25thDecan
Posted by 24capricorn18
well my bad ...i thought since you post it off my post u were talkin bout mine . but yea it is my friend and we had sex in one of them good moments lol.

so since i just really wanted to know from a man virgo if that was ok or did it cause mo problems or somethin . but ok ..i will just see how mine goes and stop question it ...
i thought maybe u could help me understand better sorry for wastin yo time but thanks for the lil help you did give i won't bother u again



Bother me again? Where did that come from? Please don't "capricorn woman" this up. LOL
I broke it down to the op but what I said applies to your situation as well....in my opinion.

Here's the deal. Say what you want..be consistent. Don't look for flaws and problems...there are none until there are some. No man can do more for you than you can for yourself FIRST. A meeting of chemistry, caring, concern and of course good sex comes next, dig? If he gives tantrums...shows a lack of honesty and loyalty..and you DON'T...then he's not compatible with you. YOU come first...not the title of you and him.
click to expand




Amen!

Unfortunately all this beautiful wisdom will fall on death ears....
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24capgal18
@24capgal18
14 Years500+ PostsCapricorn

Comments: 1 · Posts: 505 · Topics: 41
Posted by Pb
Mmm... We can be frustrating.. And sometimes the.lack of.communication/us clamming up when thongs.go down doesn't.help. The key is to tell your Virgo straight up what you want, we hate beating around the bush.

Also, aside.from being frustrating we are WAY TOO NICE to a.fault! So learn self control & don't take your Virgos for granted



well that is a point there....i tell him whats on my mind...i dont know what kind of virrgos im around but they are so similiar to me too the point where we always bump heads...my virgoman told me lastnight he didnt wanna lose me because of the virgo girl we both grew up with...she's been actin diferent towards us since he/I got 2gether...i dont take him for granted..he says we are so much alike that it is obvious what we need to do to stay good....he has to open up more and stop bein so hostile...they are not nice all the time ...i aint either so its just how the person is where they from and other things that would affect them from bein like the true virgo nature...he also told me that he would not have told me he loves me to just be tryin to play me...he is ready to settle down and he wants us to slowly work into a relationship ,,but we tell everyone we are an item so that is what is so damn confusin...like...i told him i am very patient but how much longer can i be when i am not always knowin what to expect...we are happy ,,he likes everythin bout me and ditto..i can deal with his attitude to understand people say things they dont mean when they hurt/mad...ditto for me ..now our understandin is great with eachother...he has told me i am not gone cheat..im not like that im only with u so maybe it is love because i let it all out the other night about whats on my mind now he has more respect for me than he had b4