Lack of communication

POST 1 OF 2


Hello everyone!

First I??d like to apologize for any mistake, but English is not my mother tongue.

I??ll make a short summary of my relationship. When both here, me (Cancer) and Virguy live 30 minutes away. We've been together for 4 years, since Dec. 2007. Details are:

- Dec. 2007-March 2008: long distance because he found work away (within our country, but several hours away). Text messages every day and frequent phone calls throughout the week.
- April-May 2008: he was back home. Everything was excellent.
- June 2008-September 2008: long distance again, same place as before. He had troubles at work and we only spoke on the phone once a week. Text messages were very infrequent from his side. I would send him messages but got a reply every now and then. I went to see him for 4 days when I was on holiday, and he was his usual self (caring etc.). Once I was back home, the same pattern of miscommunication started again. He told me about his problems the next day he came back home in Sept 2008. Whenever I tried to bring up the subject on the phone while he was away, he??d get defensive so I stopped asking why he didn't call me.

Since September 2008 he's been working in places nearby and I can't complain about communication — well, whenever I had to, I did but it was easier because he was here and we could still see each other and talk about it face to face.

In December 2011 he was given a job all of a sudden and he accepted. He??ll be away till April. He left and I was clear: I wanted a communication as during winter 2007-2008 and not as during summer 2008.
He agreed. He has a laptop but left it at home because it doesn't have a working wireless connection.
He said with his first pay he??d like to buy a tablet or something like that, to chat on Skype or MSN.
I highly doubt this will ever happen but who knows.

Anyways, since 16th December I??ve received 4 phone calls and just a few more messages. The last phone call was on 10th January; he told me he??d been given further responsibilities at work.
I was glad to hear that, but on the other hand I know this means more work for him and more pressure.

But I can't understand WHY he can't find 10 seconds to send me a message or call me.

Yesterday he sent me a message wishing me goodnight and saying I love you.
I replied saying that now it's pretty clear we don't share the same idea of LDR and that I'm unhappy with that. I got no reply nor a phone call — ok, it was midnight, but at least reply saying —Sorry?? or something!

I had made it clear from the start. I was happy on one side that he was leaving (he can make a lot of experience with this job) and unhappy on the other. If we could manage to fill in the distance with communication, it would be easier for me.

I tend to shut myself when I'm in this mood. I can't complain one day and be lovey-dovey on the other because I don't want him to think I'm not serious about the issue. If I'm angry for his lack of communication, then I try and make him feel it, but I probably do it the wrong way — despite him knowing it because it's not the first time we address the problem. When I see I don't get a message for a few days, I stop sending and I just wait for him to make a move. This usually means that I have to wait for a few days before I receive a message.

I'm not clingy; when I send him a message it's usually one and nothing more. Knowing he works 16 hours a day, I just wait for him to reply or to call. I live my life as I did when he was here. I have my job, my hobbies, my interests, my friends and my family.

Now I regret I encouraged him to go. But I trusted his words when he said we??d be in touch and that we??d face together any difficulty.
Again, as in summer 2008, I feel I'm alone with my boyfriend.
Should I just wait and see how the following months will go? Or how can I focus his attention on *me* too, NOW?

I think that if after April he's going to be working somewhere away from here, I??ll leave him because I can't stand being ignored while waiting for him to call or to come back at the end of the work period and act as if nothing happened??_

I do care for him, I'm always available and every time I tell myself —don't answer his phone calls??, I end up replying because I think he might be calling not only to talk to me, but also to vent or to hear a friendly word after a bad day. The thing is??_ if *I* have had a bad day, I can't vent to him or hear a friendly word from him. I have to rely on my family or on my best friend.

Any hints, suggestions? I want to make this work...

@ AA: All right, I get that 😄 But I can't stop asking myself WHY on Earth was he very present, despite the distance, at the beginning of our relationship.

Maybe it's true that at first we put on a mask, and after a while it breaks and the real self comes out.
And his real self is that when not working he's more present, and when he's working, whether 30 minutes or 6 hours away, he is not...

So maybe I should ask myself whether I want to feel that way again, or to stop feeling hurt when he's away...?

I know, it's so Virgo... But then why in the beginning he wasn't so "Virgo"? Work is important for him but, as I said, at the beginning we could communicate more... Was it really just a mask? I don't get it...

Thanks for your opinion...
Any other input, from you or anyone else, is appreciated!

Any positive opinions/suggestions on maintaining LDR with a Virgo please .... am also worried because my Virguy might be going to another city for his studies, if he gets a chance!

:::: shakes head ::::


Sometimes, I feel sorry for females .... because surely they cannot help it that they are so emotionally pathetic.

@ P-Angel: I've been lurking DXP for a while and I was waiting for your comment. I knew you'd post something along those lines.

Then enlighten me... tell me about my pathetic side, please.

Not sure why AA hid all of his post but AA comments were absolutely correct.

Things have changed, accept it or let him go, there is no way you can make a man communicate if he doesn't want to so analyzing this won't help you.

@ Tiki: why should I just give up for something like that?

People sometimes suggest to try and save a relationship even after a betrayal... a partner cheats on the other and people say "try and see if you can still save something...."

I ask for a suggestion about a minor thing (minor compared to a betrayal)... and the reply is "take it or leave it"...


@ Intellectualbrat: what did you say in your message?

You don't have to give up but you do have to understand men.

He's a man not a woman, men aren't all that big on communication for the exception of the honeymoon stage most men typically do not sit around communicating feelings and frustrations with a woman and if he's having issues like for instance work, being in a long distance relationship, uncertainty of some type about HIS own life then he'll be distant with you, no it's not fair, of course you deserve someone that will be there with you (be present) and yet if he's not making an effort well there isn't much you can do outside of say to him how unhappy you are with his lack of effort to communicate, if he love you he will fix it, if he isn't into the relationship with you anymore he won't do anything and let the relationship go.

If you understand a man (your man) then you will know that his behavior has nothing to do with you but that probably isn't a sufficient answer, least it's not for a lot of women and yet it's the truth so seek to understand him so you can be understood and maybe you'll realize that it's not something to be upset about or frustrated about or you'll end up ADDING more problems into the situation with him.