Wanting to say how I feel

I??ve been with my aqua man for a couple of months now and we live about 5 hours apart. It's been challenging, but we are so happy together. He doesn't open up too often, but this weekend he told me he's falling for me and —deathly afraid of getting hurt??. I really like him, but I don't want to put myself out there either. Plus??_I hear that aqua men like the chase and challenge. They like the mystery so if I came out and told him how I feel, mystery is gone. Thoughts on how to approach this??

Just wait, exercise patience, you do not want to spook him by showing him your way more caught up over him than he is you, take your time, don't rush to get it wrong, be patient and he'll inevitably express himself to you, if you move too fast he'll back up and start to "THINK" and wonder if your desperate or needy or clingy and if he should run off and abandon the relationship.

Relax...Breathe...Patience

Blueribbons,

I suppose I am a little unclear about what I want. I do know that I've never been happier. I've been in a few long term relationships (the longest was 8years) and I've had lots of short ones (the men were waaaay too clingy) and I've never felt so comfortable. Our relationship seems very easy and very real. I read all over that aqua men like their freedom (me too!) and that they like the mystery of not knowing everything about someone. I want to assure him that I am really into him without giving too much and pushing him away. I feel that I need to use kid gloves with him sometimes. My feelings are very intense, but I realize it would be a huge mistake to make him aware of that. He did mention when we first met that marriage and a family have never been a goal and I would really like to get married someday (not any time soon). So...I also wonder if I am wasting my time with someone who doesn't want the same as me in the end.

"He did mention when we first met that marriage and a family have never been a goal and I would really like to get married someday (not any time soon). So...I also wonder if I am wasting my time with someone who doesn't want the same as me in the end."

Wasting time? Not really wasting more like settling and setting yourself back a bit by dating someone that isn't interested in marriage, relax and get back out there and keep dating, you'll inevitably find a man with the same goals as you, this one just wants a good time which is nothing wrong with what he wants but what may be a wrong direction for YOU is to give your ALL to a man that doesn't have long term goals that include marriage, you'd just end up disappointed that he hasn't changed his mind about marriage and think it's a reflection on your worth which it's not, him not wanting marriage has nothing to do with you so don't take it personal but what you can do is keep your options open, there are some really great men out in the world that aren't afraid to admit to wanting marriage as a goal, those are the men you look at as serious options and take a chance with your heart.

Well, I shouldn't have said that because I defintely don't feel like I'm wasting my time. We have so much fun together. He compliments me often, really listens to what I'm saying, gives me little gifts to prove that (nothing expensive, but small nice gestures), tells me how happy he is with me and how glad he is we met, talks about our future, I've met his family and all of his friends, he has talked about eventually needing to move to the same city so I feel like something long term is on this mind. I couldn't be happier so maybe I need to ask myself if the status quo remainded the same and marriage never came into play, if I would be satisfied and I believe that answer would be yes. I also read that aqua's get bored easily. With us, we only get to see each other every three weeks or so. It makes the relationship new, if you will. He is a great communicator which helps and I totally trust him which also helps! I find it a push/pull game with myself to want to open up but then hold back for fear that it may be too much for him. A quick little story, this weekend my little brother announced he was getting married. I was furious because he barely knows this girl. I had a long conversation with my brother on the phone and my aqua was listening to the whole thing. When I got off the phone, he said "well, you won't have to worry about me ever asking you to get married". I was crushed!! I asked him, "why are we even doing this" and told him that it was over. Mind you, this was all about 2am and we had been drinking. I went to sleep. WIthout me knowing, he packed his bags and went to my living room to get some rest before hitting the road (he lives 5 hours away). I woke up at 6am and he wasn't in bed. I went out and asked him what was going on and he said that I told him it was over. I told him it was because of what he said and he then said "You really confuse me. You have always implied that you don't want to get married and your actions tell me you're a committment phobe and then you get upset because I say I won't ask you". This made me realize that I'm not effectively telling/showing him that I really want to be with him. It scares me to death! Sorry to rant on....

We have talked about it. We are both on the same page about kids. I am 29 and have a 9 year old. I would be willing to have another, but I am completely fine with being done. He has said he could go either way too. He said marriage and kids "were never a goal" of his, but he also said that if he met the right one, things could change. He said, "you never know what might happen". So...I'm left wondering if that means he probably won't happen or marriage might be in his future. I have been with men who did not want that and I thought it would change and I was devestate when it didn't. Big shocker. I don't want to go down that road again. It's hard to approach the subject to talk in general. Men automatically asume you're asking "are WE going to get married?".

Ive never felt that he was emotionally careless. I think he's confused about what he does and doesn't want. I've never felt that he tells me what I want to hear either. I would say that he seems very selfish in a selfless way. Does that make any sense?? He is not a selfish person, but maybe just not mature yet. I probably fueled the fire to that miscommunication and reacted rather rashly by saying "it's over". We ended up talking it out and really got out a lot that we probably wouldn't kept inside otherwise. I guess you can't put a time limit on anything, but I wonder how long I continue to let myself fall in love with him when a) I'm not sure where he sees things going and b) we don't live in the same city

"With us, we only get to see each other every three weeks or so."

It's not real (yet) not enough time spent together to say he's a good fit, that doesn't mean he's not a good fit for you but it's easy to honeymoon a woman ever 3 weeks or so, you are still under the honeymoon phase of the relationship were everything feels good and the future looks bright, only when that part of the relationship settles down and things get back to normalville will you know if this relationship has the potential be a long term relationship.

" he said "well, you won't have to worry about me ever asking you to get married".

He was being honest, he won't "ask" you to marry him. Can you live with that?

"You have always implied that you don't want to get married and your actions tell me you're a committment phobe and then you get upset because I say I won't ask you". This made me realize that I'm not effectively telling/showing him that I really want to be with him. It scares me to death! Sorry to rant on...."

I know women that pretend to NOT want marriage b/c she know her man doesn't want it so she'll lie...Just be honest when the time comes to discuss it again, tell him you do envision marriage in your future and let him decide if he's in it with you or he wants to leave, sending out mixed messages is your way of trying to reconcile his wants and needs to your own, they don't match and thus you are creating confusion. IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY FOR YOU TO WANT MARRIAGE, just because he's turned off about marriage doesn't mean you have to appear to marriage phobic yourself.

"He has said he could go either way too. He said marriage and kids "were never a goal" of his, but he also said that if he met the right one, things could change."

He's carrot dangling, he doesn't want marriage but he know if he dangles that he does in your face you'll be more apt to stick around to find out, most all women fall for this BS LOL! Sorry not laughing at you just thinking how so many of us fall for the carrot dangling and you yourself fell for it in the past SO YOU ALREADY KNOW THE LIKELIHOOD OF IT BEING A REPEAT EPISODE is imminent, he'll most likely not want marriage just like the other men from your past. Hate when men carrot dangle b/c it keeps a woman on hold, DON'T BE ON HOLD, keep your options open, you've been down this path before you know it's nothing down there so stop kicking that dead horse, you only see this guy every 3 weeks well that leaves the option for you to continue to date and find a better match.

" I think he's confused about what he does and doesn't want"

He's not confused, he's clearly said he's not marriage minded, women say this about men when they can't or don't want to accept that the man they love doesn't want a long term commitment or marriage.

"I guess you can't put a time limit on anything, but I wonder how long I continue to let myself fall in love with him when a) I'm not sure where he sees things going and b) we don't live in the same city"

No you can't but you KNOW enough to know this man doesn't want the same things you want and that most likely won't change, also commitment phobic men typically date long distance which alleviates the pressure of having to structure there lives around another person, I see this headed for heartbreak.

No more dating long distance unless you know for sure that person is moving to your city, no more dating men that don't foresee marriage in his future and that eliminates the commitmentphobes and strengthens your odds of getting married and having babies if that's what you want.

"I know women that pretend to NOT want marriage b/c she know her man doesn't want it so she'll lie...Just be honest when the time comes to discuss it again, tell him you do envision marriage in your future and let him decide if he's in it with you or he wants to leave, sending out mixed messages is your way of trying to reconcile his wants and needs to your own, they don't match and thus you are creating confusion."

I think this ^^^ is exactly true with me 😢 I just didn't realize it. And....yes, it's still the honeymoon phase!! I worry that we will never get to experience having a real relationship unless one moves. I've never had a long distance relationship so this is all very new to me.

"Luckily, I landed a man who I could easily talk about these things with. He loves the idea of children, and wants to marry me. In fact, HE says he has to pump the breaks at times (and refrain from proposing) because he doesn't want to spook ME! I love it. That kind of adoration blows up my heart, it's great. Fact is, I knew I was ready for this. I didn't take whatever came along (because there were other men willing to talk about children and offering marriage etc-tho none of them were the one), and when it came to me - I accepted it! Accepting it is a big part of the process, it shows we can be honest with ourselves and also bold and brave. At times the topic was approached, and I could sense he was interested in finding out what I wanted but he would play coy so that he wouldn't look stupid. I noticed this, so I put myself on the line... and basically said "yeah I want children, and I'm ready [adding] I'm willing to work at a good pace with my partner but the idea is very romantic and appealing to me]." If his response was to reject me, or he was turned off by this - I would know he wasn't the one... because the one is someone who will help me reach these particular goals. "

love love love all of this...

All the other advice was great too, just that this little part capture my attention and stood our more so for me.

"I think this ^^^ is exactly true with me I just didn't realize it. And....yes, it's still the honeymoon phase!! I worry that we will never get to experience having a real relationship unless one moves. I've never had a long distance relationship so this is all very new to me."

You want what you want and you should never feel like you have to pretend you want something different to keep a man around, this man probably only took you on because you appeared to not want anything, conflict is seeping through because you want different things and you broke up over it, that's a huge red flag that this relationship won't last long distance nor in the same city. As long as you want marriage and he doesn't want marriage there will be conflict through out the relationship which will only lead to more conflict, it would be different if you didn't want marriage then everything would be okay but given that you do want marriage and he's dangling it in your face to keep you holding on well that will only lead to disaster for you, you'll be the one hurting in the end for making yourself WAIT on a man, you having to wait on him to change his mind puts you in a very powerless position and really it just sucks to wait on anyone.

You don't have to dump the guy but I wouldn't be surprised if you did but you definitely do not want to put your heart so carelessly in his hands knowing that he doesn't see you in his future, don't even go down that road, you've been down that road before and you know were it leads too, heartbreakville disappointmentlad, you've been there done that, you don't have to keep hurting yourself to find love.

As blueribbons pointed out, there are marriage minded men in the world, and you have over 8 million options to choose from, you don't have to SETTLE for a guy that doesn't share the same vision as you.

It is A LOT to take in!! I am sitting here questioning what the hell to do. I really, really like him. As I said, things are very easy with him. Nothing feels forced or fabricated. I suppose I need to find a way to let him know what I would like for my future and gauge his response. I hesitate doing so only because I don't want to rush anything either, but I feel if I don't say anything, before you know it I will be at that place where I'm in too deep and could get really hurt.

What is the world coming to when people are afraid of communicating with each other....
I'm sure you can find the right words to say without being overbearing and emotional while still maintaining the "chase/ challange".....
Good Luck!

Think in terms of long term goals, if you know that you want to marry some day and you are dating someone who doesn't want that for himself well you know how that story ends, in break up just like it did the night he said he'd never ask you to marry him.

Putting it in the context of short term and long term goals, now versus future well things get a bit easier. So what's more important to you feeling good now or feeling hurt and disappointed later, you know he's said several times marriage isn't something that he can see for himself and if he doesn't see it now he most likely won't see it later and with that being said he's good to date now but later on down the line in the future not so good, you don't have to stop seeing him if you really like how he makes you feel when you are around him but you'd be wise to continue on searching for a man that has the same vision for his own future that matches up with your own future goals.

BGP posted this on the capricorn board and maybe this will give you some insight on how to approach things with your Aqua

ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqRA21Avo9k&feature=feedu

Personally I don't think you need to approach this kind of conversation because you already have enough information to gauge what his answer will be since he's already said several times he's not marriage minded, yeah he dangled the carrot in your face but that's what a man will do to keep the sex flowing freely, he doesn't really mean you will be the exception, he doesn't mean YOU, he'll marry you, you yourself know this already, you've been down this road before, we aren't telling you anything you don't already know.

If you want to date him then date him, as long as you leave out all the marriage stuff then things will work out okay, you know it's not a goal for him so respect that but if you really can't leave the marriage thing alone then yes you'll most likely have to get back out there and continue on with your search for someone that is open to marriage in his future.