SAG needs HELP with her ARIES!!

this is so longwinded, I am sorry, I did my best. but please read or skim over it. Any thoughts are well-appreciated, I admit I am out of ideas.

I have someone I've been seeing for almost 5 years. the last 4 he's lived out of state---all the way across the country, with not much money to ever come home.

we knew each other for a short while before we started having sex. I wasn't interested in him until I noticed the stacks of books he had in his room, ... i would spend spare moments at the apartment (he was roommates with a good friend of mine) staring into his room reading the titles of all the books, noticing the interesting things in his room, ... getting to know more who he was, and becoming more and more curious.
we had chance to spend some time together, having parties, cooking, watching cartoons.
then one evening after all of us looking at something on the computer in his room, he and I ended up alone. somehow we started kissing, and then he got naked. he asked "am I being too bold?".... I said no. although I had never done anything like this in my life.

it was just sex at first, turned into something loving, but he won't admit he loves me. has never said it. it's rare for him to even say he MISSES me.

but when it comes to the way he touches me, the way he treats me, ...it's all over. he is a true gentleman, always cares what I want to do. always takes me to eat wherever I want to go, always does whatever I want to do. always buys my drinks and meals and tickets and so on... used to nearly never let me pay, now INSISTS on NEVER letting me pay. He even pumps gas for me, and although he doesn't have a car, ALWAYS offers to drive! he truly wants to take care of someone. When I am with him, I always feel good about myself and always feel like the most important person in the WORLD.

sex used to be a couple even three times a night whenever we were together, then it became less, usually once. regardless of how often, it's always INCREDIBLE. At the same time, he used to nearly always turn his back to me at night, where now he cuddles with me increasingly, always spooning me, caressing me gently.

I once, a little over a year ago, questioned what his intentions were with me. he tried to avoid it, but i asked him if he intended to be exclusive or not. he said right then was a bad time, as he'd been trying to be with someone else, i guess it hadn't worked out, ... he also said that he just really wants to be in a place where he can provide for others, you know, a wife and family. ...he didn't say "a wife and family" ...in fact he would insist he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married. his family divorced when he was young. but i know he secretly does want that very much. he just doesn't know if it's possible.

I told him how uncomfortable I am with this, as we had been seeing each other for quite some time (3.5 years?). he said "yeah.... I know... we have a weird relationship." ..and then, ...."maybe we should just stop having sex and just be friends." I said I didn't know. this is where I should have put my foot down and said no, this isn't enough, that's it, it's done.

instead, i stopped talking to him. I should have mentioned why, but he probably got the idea anyway. I didn't talk to him for about 10 weeks. we used to talk EVERY day online, (even when he lived here), then after he moved it slowed down to every few days, then sometimes even a week or two would go by without a word.
during the time i didn't talk to him, he emailed me twice, once to say "where are you when I need you!?!?! whine!!" and once to say that some pictures someone posted up made him miss me. .... when I finally decided that ignoring him wasn't getting more attention, I went back to talking to him and just apologized for not being around, and said that I just had a lot going on. he accepted this.


he always had a parade of girls going through when we first met. he cooled it significantly after we got together but still, we agreed that as long as there were no promises, we didn't see it as wrong for that person to be with someone else.

I was always a little clingy, I think, but apparently not too much, as he's stuck around this long.
there's been a couple of times since he moved during which he's tried to be exclusive with someone else and it hasn't worked out, in the end. he's in the midst of one of those right now. all of these he's purposely kept VERY quiet, me always finding out somewhere else about it.

he usually has tons of girls commenting on his myspace and such, ....he's also typical in the way that most of his friends are girls he's dated before.

since he's moved away, he still comes to visit his family who lives an hour from me.
he ALWAYS makes sure to call me and see me. it's gotten better and better, except for that he always leaves again and i don't see him for months and we don't talk often enough these days.

he seems more and more in love with me but would never admit it and still goes back out of state and sees other girls. even to the point that he is trying to be with one of them NOW.

the last three visits were questionable.

december 2006 was GREAT. he even rented a car to see me. he spent the night at my family's house, although I ended up feeling sick in the morning and he had to leave early to get to his family's. but he held me and spooned me all night and caressed me, especially after i got up feeling sick. he caressed my face.. usually he only does this during sex. we had the best sex of our entire relationship during this time. we made love three times that night. once in the park, and twice at home. I believe he had a girl he was seeing at this time.

then october 2007: visits going very far between, lack of jobs/ $ $ at the time.
he wanted to see me, called me up. but couldn't make up his mind if i should come get him that night or if we should get together the next day, or at all, or what? .... he seemed uncertain? ...... so we made plans for tomorrow. tomorrow he had a very small slot of time to hang out. By a certain time i hadn't heard from him and I knew I would waste an hour driving so I made sure I was there in time to hang out. but he still hadn't called or responded to my text or call. ...he never did. (he still doesn't know I drove the hour drive there). The next day he texted me that he was sorry, that something came up and he hoped that I didn't hate him. I didn't say anything. Even though he was leaving the day after that. I didn't say anything for weeks.
Finally, I missed him so much, I emailed him and told him that I felt hurt that he had done that, that I felt so unimportant, and that I had actually felt really unimportant for a while, etc. I told him I didn't blame him for this, or mean that he had done anything wrong, but just wanted to tell him how I felt in order to be able to let it go.

He never responded to this, but a week or two later, he messaged me "Happy thanksgiving" which I sensed as a sort of apology/i miss you too, and we talked a bit after that. more sporadically than ever though. 😢 I never asked him what came up, although I do know that his stepdad doesn't like me to come there (as, I spent the night there once and he didn't like it), and he is rather abusive and the reason for the trip was family stuff with his mom sort of because of this situation, i gathered. so yeah something could have come up but I felt like if it actually had he would have mentioned it---- and still- why didn't he let me know he would miss our date? why did he stand me up? this has never happened before. Also, he apparently had a "girlfriend" at this time, so maybe he felt bad, although I don't know if it was exclusive.

then february 2008:
the time before last he rented a car. so this visit, I expected the same leading behaviour...didn't get it, and rented a car at the last minute. perhaps he didn't have the money. he also tried renting a bicycle so we could ride bikes together but that didn't work out either. He let me know the DAY before he got here that he would be here. Usually he lets me know weeks in advance. He wanted to hang out, even called me (of course, cause I don't initiate calls unless its to confirm plans or something). He wanted to hang out but more than a day was wasted as my car was broken down and he didn't come up with any ideas.
Even when I offered to share cost of a cab with him... (but this is the kind of thing he would never ask me to do. in fact he would NEVER ask me to even give him a RIDE or to drive to come see him. It's like he feels it's his job----- even though when I feel the guy should plan the date or do the calling, he disagrees with me!)

After wasted time, I finally gave in and rented a car. I told him I got a car, and he said sweet, and we agreed to get together. At that time he let me know his brother was going to pick him up in TWO HOURS to take him back to his hometown an hour away. Seeing as how his brother made the commute every day for work and was getting off work in two hours.

I told him I could drive him, that I'd love to drive him, especially if I got to see him longer. He was in a big hurry to get there to his mom and everything. For whatever reason. like it couldn't wait a minute longer. I don't know what the situation was... SO he agreed we had time for dinner.

We had a quick dinner, which we ended up getting charged extra for, which he paid for and never said a word. After much deliberation on the phone with his brother, he decided he could let me drive him the hour trip. He kept saying he didn't want to make me drive that far, it was a long drive. I told him it was NOT an inconvenience, it was an investment in him, and i would be happy to take him especially if I could see him a little while longer. that I hadn't seen him in ..14 months! so he agreed.
we got on the road and when we saw how much traffic we were facing (rush hour), he agreed that it would be ok, cause I wanted to go so badly, if we went to the park we had gone to the trip before last, where we had the greatest sex ever. he asked why I wanted to go there. I said ..oh i don't know, I just felt like being outside, and it was really nice there before. we got there..there was a wedding going on. we walked around through the trails in the woods. it got dark. we sat out in the woods under the full moon for a long time. just sitting with each other, breathing each other, absorbing each other, after so much time apart. we held each other, hugged each other, massaged each other, just gentle touching. we talked about things, relaxed, kissed after a while. we were there for an hour or two. finally he said "should we go?" ... I said, "well you know if you need to, we should. so do you want to?" but he would say I don't know, and then ask again later. he kept doing this. it felt like a game, ..like he was looking for some response in particular. I didn't get it, and told him finally that I was confused about why he kept asking, because you know, if he wanted to or needed to, i didn't want to keep him, we should go if he really felt a pressing need to get to his family.. but I couldn't figure out why he was asking me... .. he didn't really ever give me a real explanation. finally he asked and I said you know, if you need to, ...so should we? and he said yeah, we should. so we got up to leave. we left the woods but still in the park, started talking, walking around, holding each other. kissing, touching. we sat down on a bench. we stopped and I sat up on his lap. he said "you know, I don't think I'm going to be much more available.".... "it's just where I am right now". I almost cracked, I almost began to cry, but I didn't let a tear down and I straightened my face right back. I said "i know."......

He said "i think you expect more out of me than I can give"..... and i told him I didn't understand why he felt this way, because I've never pushed him to do anything. but that I do really care about him very much, etc etc. I've told him before that I do really care, he definately thinks I am in love with him but he was never stupid, he knew all the time that i really liked him. I told him that I don't expect anything from him but that doesn't mean that I like it, or that I don't miss him. I miss him and hate how weeks go by without us talking these days, when we used to talk every day, etc. (we had this conversation at dinner and he said he just wasn't "available".)...

so, big mistake. yeah. another place where I should've put my foot down, right?

instead, we just talked. then he started caressing my thigh. eventually he had me turned on and this turned into us kissing and then him trying to make love to me. I started to deny him (only the second time I've ever said no). he asked "but why?"... I said.. because.. I just don't feel safe..emotionally.. you know? ... he knows what I mean. but then I just gave in. I do love him and I think he does love me. I "don't feel safe" as in emotionally without an exclusive relationship. But I gave in anyway. I guess I felt safe enough being that he always sees me and that he does care and is careful of my feelings. he is always so careful, he would never say anything to hurt me. ...of course, he does things that hurt me, he doesn't want to tell me that he doesn't want me. but he does want me. there is something about me that he just can't let go of, yet there is something that keeps him from deciding to make it real.

eventually we left. we drove out of town to his moms, the hour drive. he offered to drive of course. he held my hand during the drive. i put my hand on his leg once and he put his hand on mine. after a second I moved my hand. ... just to be not entirely had I guess. ....
we were so late that his mom said he couldn't come there because his stepdad was angry, etc, so he had to call up his dad and see if he could stay there. So we got there and he made sure that he wrote out directions for me on how to get back out of the neighborhood and back home. he told me to call if I had any problems. he said he would let me know in a few days whether he would be taking me up on the offer to stay with me at my sister's the night before he had to fly back out. he hugged me as usual, very warmly

yeah. I know.
but since i can't figure it out, i figure i'll just let everyone else analyze the mess. so if you're bored, feel free to grab the popcorn...

then he reached back to give me another long hug.

during the next couple of days, an old male roommate of his (a very close friend of mine, and who we met through), found out that I had seen him. He had wanted to have a relationship with me himself, and while we had messed around before, I told him I wasn't interested. He didn't like it but we had remained great friends, until recently when he had started to get a bit weird and possessive of who i talked to and so on.

In fact, he KNEW my guy he was coming to town and purposely didn't mention it to me. Of course my guy let me know himself. but the roommate tried to keep it from me. he even ran into him by accident at a bar the night before we got together- NEVER said a thing. after he found out that my guy and I had seen each other, he made casual conversation, asked how things went, if we had sex, etc, .... easily innocent because he knew i had been worried about the relationship. I told him it was none of his business but he got the idea that yes we had had sex. from here he proceeded to become psychotic and texted my guy like mad telling him that he was glad he got some, that I was a good lay, etc, ..I don't really know what all was said.

Apparently the night before he had told my guy that HE had been seeing me, he hoped my guy didn't mind, to which he claims my guy said no he didn't care, he had a girlfriend, he didn't care about me, etc.
Then the next night the roommate mad texting to me and to my guy, all manner of threats and comments to tear us apart. i went to his house, dropped off some things he'd given me and told him I never wanted to speak to him again. (I had also found out he had told some other people some things- people who don't like me to begin with, who would gossip to people I really cared about who would probably believe it). he even tried to threaten that he was driving to my house and i had better talk to him. i ignored him. he threatened to tell my guy's "girlfriend" (though I think she's a swinger), and that we were so wrong and that I had somehow wronged HIM (the roommate), and blahblahblah.

the next day he called me and said he was sorry, and would I apologize to our friend (my guy) for him, that he was wrong and that both of us deserved his utmost respect and admiration. i told him i didn't even know what to think anymore or who he was and that he was scaring me and i started to cry.

i had texted my guy once or twice during the day about nothing in particular that I remember. He didn't respond, but then I texted him again, mentioning that I found out what the roommate was doing and what he had said to me and that he was scaring me. (I didn't mention the "girlfriend" thing.) .....
He immediately called me, stating that he was with his brother driving right now, but what's going on? letting me explain. so I did, and he seemed to believe me about what was true and not true. i asked him what he thought I should do, he said he thought I shouldn't talk to the roommate for a while, let him cool off. he said then that he would also have to think about whether or not he'd be talking to him.
we got off the phone.

he didn't call me back to let me know if he'd be spending the night the night before he flew out (because my sister lives right by the airport). ....... didn't text, nothing. I didn't hear from him again, but I don't know if it was because he was already trying to pursue something else, hence the "i don't know if I'll be much more available" talk, or if it was this incident, or both.

we never miss each other's birthdays, even though we don't usually send presents. (I once did, but the only time he's ever bought me a bday gift was when he happened to be there with me on my birthday with our friends and our friends wanted to go out to buy me gifts to surprise me with.) ....
I sent him an email to say happy birthday- he had left about 6 weeks ago.
he didn't respond. that has never happened.
I have seen him two or three times online since then which is the least he has EVER been available-
I think once for a while maybe an hour- and the next two times only about 15 minutes before he signed off, without messaging me. in the recent months we had gotten used to sometimes seeing each other on and not saying anything, ..... i miss the days when we talked everyday, when he was available every day, when he always imd if he saw me on.

I miss him so much.
I know he'll eventually be back- unless by some miracle the girl he's seeing wants to get married.
I am scared because he IS around the age that he does want to settle down and I know all he is waiting for is to be financially stable. He's gotten a job he likes.
in the last few weeks he's apparently "left" the city he was in, I don't know what's happening with him right now since it's now been about 14 weeks since we've spoken.
what do I do?
I wish that last nig

he didn't call me back to let me know if he'd be spending the night the night before he flew out (because my sister lives right by the airport). ....... didn't text, nothing. I didn't hear from him again, but I don't know if it was because he was already trying to pursue something else, hence the "i don't know if I'll be much more available" talk, or if it was this incident, or both.

we never miss each other's birthdays, even though we don't usually send presents. (I once did, but the only time he's ever bought me a bday gift was when he happened to be there with me on my birthday with our friends and our friends wanted to go out to buy me gifts to surprise me with.) ....
I sent him an email to say happy birthday- he had left about 6 weeks ago.
he didn't respond. that has never happened.
I have seen him two or three times online since then which is the least he has EVER been available-
I think once for a while maybe an hour- and the next two times only about 15 minutes before he signed off, without messaging me. in the recent months we had gotten used to sometimes seeing each other on and not saying anything, ..... i miss the days when we talked everyday, when he was available every day, when he always imd if he saw me on.

I miss him so much.
I know he'll eventually be back- unless by some miracle the girl he's seeing wants to get married.
I am scared because he IS around the age that he does want to settle down and I know all he is waiting for is to be financially stable. He's gotten a job he likes.
in the last few weeks he's apparently "left" the city he was in, I don't know what's happening with him right now since it's now been about 14 weeks since we've spoken.
what do I do?
I wish that last night I saw him I had told him that wasn't good enough for me, put my foot down. I can't do it now, that conversation is done. now it would be ME initiating contact with him, and I feel like that looks like I'm chasing him.

you guys, what do I do?

I also have always been of the feminine school of thought, --- well no- I've tried other ways before - and they didn't work. I don't initiate physical contact, sex, calls, messaging, dates, visiting. I return calls once in a while if you call me, but he doesn't call. we have always spoken mainly on the internet even when we both lived here. He's now lived out of state for about few years. after he's messaged me a few times, I'll initiate a message. my idea of feminine is of BEING rat

being magnetic. come to me and i will tell you i miss you, i will have a great time with you, i am happy you're around, etc. but I am not going to chase you down to tell you about it or trying to get you to go out with me.

I have always been very guarded about my emotions, but in the last couple of years I've been working on being more vulnerable. I haven't done this as well with my guy because i really DO worry about what he thinks. he DOES make me nervous sometimes. 🙂 ......sigh. but I try to be more vulnerable, telling my feelings, and i think this is good, I know he wants me to be real and stand up for things I don't like, like any Aries. ....not be a pushover.

but at this point I just don't know what to do. .....
someone please help, ...I see a lot of wise people here and I very much want this relationship back on track. I realize that up to now it's been "phases" of him going in and out, but always coming back to me- even though he never tells me he loves me or tries to be exclusive,....... his energy just bleeds out and gives him all away. I know he cares more than he wants to admit to me OR himself.
but I need to know where to go from here.

haha. yeah i wouldn't want anyone to BE a dr. phil either. and i don't like popcorn.

yeah.. so far that's what I've tried to do is give him space. (haven't contacted him).... but i feel like maybe he believes what this roommate tried to say and feels like he can't trust me, like i'm not as loyal as he thought.

...but i also feel that ignoring aries is a good way to let them know they can live without you...and they WILL.

so giving him room feels more like sending him away, since last time I tried being less available, .....it didn't seem to go as planned.

but i'm taking all suggestions into consideration.

ps, i'm liking the treetrunk and butter thing.

.....sorry for the pent up novel, but I am laughing with relief at getting this all out onto paper.

rofl no, i wrote it earlier and posted it all at once. and i doubt he believes in astrology but i bet he'd give it a passing thought at least if presented to him.

Honey does it matter?

Even if this guy is madly in love with you, he isn't available. Probably because he lives far away and knows he isn't in a place to settle down. Even if he is ready to settle down, he is probably with someone who is there, who he can share his day to day life with.

By the sounds of it, your relationship was really years ago. Life has taken you different roads and you aren't as close as you once were.

* I wish that last night I saw him I had told him that wasn't good enough for me, put my foot down.

Why? It isn't a question of him being good enough it is about the SITUATION being good enough.

* I very much want this relationship back on track.

sigh. All things change. Life is never static. We always hope that change will leave some part of our life that we love alone, untouched, but it never does. It always comes and disturbs our peace, our perfection if only just a little.

My heart goes out to you because you really want it back, him, the passion, the excitement, the tenderness, the closeness, the security, the companionship. And the thing is you probably can't get it back on track because it hasn't been on track in years.

Tennessee Williams once wrote, "time is the longest distance between two places". Time is the culprit here. You have grown up and apart.

Part of growing for most people means is losing love. Is it tragic? Absolutely!

Sometimes we just wanna put everyone we love in a bubble and not let them change or move and stay with us forever. Those moments that we wish would last forever. It doesn't really happen that way. And in the end, when we get to the other side we are often glad that it didn't happen the way we thought it should.

I wish I knew what to tell you to make it all hurt less. I sincerely do because losing love and the dream of love is often a hard, lonely path but everyone DOES get to the other side.

I wish you best and hope you find the answer that makes it all a little more bearable.

That's it exactly. Relationships require change. When they do, you have to respond appropriately to keep it going.

Right now he's found someone to fit more of his requirements, -just not the one of staying together forever. He WILL be back, and my response does matter.

** I wish that last night I saw him I had told him that wasn't good enough for me, put my foot down.
**Why? It isn't a question of him being good enough it is about the SITUATION being good enough.

Exactly. it's about the situation not being good enough. being wishy-washy, saying "i feel like you're asking more than I can give right now"- That is an Aries is not feeling the challenge. That is where for an aries, you say, then go, but I will be out having fun! and give them more space than they ask for. They want to be challenged and wanted and when you don't want them so much, they forget about what they're worried about and realize that to keep your attention they have to lean forward. That's just aries. when you move forward, they move back. THAT is why. What matters is that he becomes more available.

our emotional relationship has gotten increasingly better. only the last 2 visits has his desire for the connection felt shaky. I think it's just that the changes that need made, he feels are unmakeable on my part. Perhaps MOVING. (due to taking care of my grandparents). maybe he wants someone with more of a " style ". Aries love that. maybe he wants me to be more financially stable- though he LOVES taking care of me he doesn't want to feel like he is depended on in case he fails? Part of why he is out roaming is in order to find that ideal job.

thanks for your very thoughtful response. I appreciate it much. Although, I'm not looking for something to make it more bearable, I'm looking to change my situation. circumstances are less than ideal, but that doesn't make me want to sit down and say "oh well". It makes me realize change is needed. I'm looking for suggestions on how to respond to aries ups and downs.

being that he's leaning back, do I just let it go, or do I contact him? especially being that he last failed to call or see me before flying out. last time i was unavailable, it caused him to move towards others. now HE is initiating the unavailability. I would normally leave this alone but I'm afraid of having the same outcome as when I was unavailable. In this situation, does one follow suit? he decides to spend more time with others, so, so do I? Or do I touch base

There's no way I could read all that ... nearly got through the first page, though.

remember ... it's way too fucking easy to get your clothes off. Even when you say 'no', he can still get them off with very little effort.

He lives far away and wants to make sure that when he comes into town, that you will continue to sleep with him ... that's why he's so sweet to you and makes sure you feel taken care of. He's going to make sure he keeps all of his women willing to shag, to be sure, by keeping the charm stoked.

You even know he's with other women also because you mentioned it a couple times ... he's playing you.

Swim away .... immediately before you invest any more of your heart in this man-slut.

yeah. you're right. it takes a lot of writing before i figure out what the actual point is.

Sorry, this has codependent written all over it! I'm not judging, I've been there--but it is codependent.

Do yoga, try to meditate...be real with yourself. Its nice to get caught up in the drama of all this, but in reality you too know that you could be with a guy who actually wants to be with you, who will not be the way he is.

Good luck--I know its hard to stop obsessing. My compassion is with you.

hmm. Well I don't think so, but I decided to consider your idea. I can't seem to fit myself into co-dependency from any definitions I've read or tests I've taken.. I'm wondering what about this you see as co-dependent.

I'm not putting anyone else's needs or interests before my own. I'm not trying to please him in any way that involves changing who I already am at heart. That said, I do think relationships all involve adjustments and compromises.

My self-esteem is not suffering, I don't measure my worth on pleasing others, I don't fix other people's problems for them, as I think everyone is responsible for themselves.. I am not addicted to people, and not to him, I do very well without him. I see him not because I can't help it but because I enjoy it and up until recently have been fine with the relationship as it was, easy-going.
As far as love life goes, I have a regular rotation of men lined up at my door myself, whom I go out with. However this person is a better fit than nearly anyone I've ever been with.

This "novel" is a result of taking the time to think out the background of the current situation, because recently I have decided that I needed to decide on something and see it through for once, apply myself, which I think necessitates being thorough about thinking out and questioning the situation and deciding where to best go from there.


anyway, to everyone, all I'm really asking here is, what do you do when Aries steps back?

"anyway, to everyone, all I'm really asking here is, what do you do when Aries steps back?"


For me personally, whenever ANYONE steps back - I allow them to, I respect and honour their decision to do what they need to do.

hmmmm well I am sorry my post came out harsh and rude.

you're very intelligent, look at your post just there. when we're in love, nothing makes sense.

but what to do when aries steps back? when anyone steps back...it just sounds like he is not able to give what you need, and he is honest about it. which aries always is: honest.

I said codependent because I'm reading a really good book called "Women, sex, and addiction" by Charlotte Davis Kasl. It's helped me immensely. She talks about the codependent type and the addictive type. Here's a link:

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Sex-Addiction-Search-Power/dp/0060973218/ref=bxgy_cc_b_img_a

It goes into why sex takes over so strongly and impairs our judgement.

no one here, including me, can really understand what you're going through. you know best...writing pages and pages of your story may be cathartic, but in understanding why these things happen, its more than words. Words fall short. analyzing doesn't really help either.

Anyway, really, good luck. i didn't mean to imply you have low self-esteem. he does seem to thrive on the addictive quality of the sex though (and you too, possibly)

You have to let Aries do you when they what to do you. But are you better than that? My answer was YES, and I stopped reaching out, because when I did I heard a dry unconcern voice on the other end. You can make ONE (1) mistake, and they move on. Never criticize an Aries, never compare them to someone else, they are so perfect their FARTS never stink.