What do you think compels people to do this?

Something I learned about when my mom was diagnosed is a phenomenon that psychologists are starting to dig into- people's sudden absence during another's trying times. I wrote about it before and got some mixed reactions- those who sided with the flaky, non supportive friends who vanished and accusing me of "expecting too much (wtf)," and those who thought it was bs and a good way to weed out friends.

And of course, with my mom's passing, I basically half expected this to happen with some of the "friends" I currently have. One of the things that contributes is that a lot of these individuals have never lost a parent, they've even voiced that they "can't imagine" any of this, blah blah. Some of these are the same people who have dropped off the map. It's sort of understandable, but I still think it's fucked that they're so "me" centric about THEIR feelings that they feel it's okay to disappear. I understand not knowing what to say or do, but I do not understand why they feel that disappearing is the correct response. "Man I dunno what to do, so BYE, you're on your own!" ...kay.

One that has me a tad confused was a flaky friend who surprisingly stepped up when my mom passed. He was checking on me regularly to see how I was doing. That all stopped the week before Christmas and he's been MIA since. A few spotty convos here or there, but he wasn't very engaging like he didn't want to talk. I used to hear from him at least once or twice a week prior and it's going on 2.5 weeks of silence now. It stumps me because I can't quite figure out why the hell he started out so strong in support but faded. Too much "work" to deal with? It's not like I demanded anything or talked about any of it excessively.

I mean is the motivation really "me" centric in "oh man, too srs for me. I'm out?" Are people really that callus and apathetic? Is facing one of life's realities so bad that they want to shelter themselves and abandon friends in need?

What do you think is the main motivation for people to react this way? I've found several articles and studies on this phenomenon and it's been interesting to see the scale in which it happens and some of the conclusions reached.

Posted by GENERALIZOD
no friend has ever been there for me in that way and i don't think they'll ever get a chance to.

i can understand the flaky friend. it's when i'm in a good place when i can think of others. i've been procrastinating on checking up on someone i haven't seen since my birthday. i thought we would do something for hers near the end of last year but she didn't reply.

i haven't been to a friend's wedding or funeral though in my life and yeah i'm the type to drop off the face of the earth. what have your findings been?

Why do you do drop off the face of the earth? You can understand the flaky friend why? What justifies such behavior? If you're constantly like this, does this mean you're rarely in a "good place" to think of others outside yourself?

Posted by Arielle83
Maybe it's too real for them and it turns them inward to reflect on their own lives and parent's mortality.

This is actually one of the conclusions that has been made from a few of the things I read. Which is understandable. But is it justification for flaking out on a friend in a time of need? All it takes is the simple act of listening, whether it be venting or not. It's not just me, but with people generally when they're dealing with this stuff. Some people just need to talk to keep their minds off of things. When they need someone to talk to, it's just to talk and not necessarily about the crisis in particular.

What scares me about society is the lack of depth and any sort of understanding of how those around them work. It amazes me how friendship becomes a fickle thing when life gets real, but "friendship" is in full force when things are fun and happy.

Does this mean that friendship anymore is a term coined for those who are around for the good but not the bad?

/philosophical moment haha. It's late and the cogs in my brain are in over drive. Dun dun dun.

i usually don't count on friends too much, i dont have even a few, only one gf and she got married and moved far away. (she got married and i was there for her wedding no matter what, but i can tell she was saddened when one of her aunts didnt show up, because her aunt and her grandmother have this deep rift. Even the rift was STRONGER than being there for her niece). Anyway, i dont like bringing her into my misery if something happened in my life, i keep alot to myself. (i've Always been this way even when i was with my ex's, i'm very secretive w/my very deep feelings and dont wanna bother others)

family is the only thing/circle that we can trust. My husband does have a couple of very close friends he can trust that would be there for him to the end though, he has more than me, and he only has a small amount. we have discovered that when there are family members who have passed away, we know who will be there for us, no matter what.

there are good people out there, dont give up hope.

Posted by lisabethur8
i usually don't count on friends too much, i dont have even a few, only one gf and she got married and moved far away. (she got married and i was there for her wedding no matter what,

When all this happened, I already knew what kind of response I'd be getting, so I haven't really been shocked, just more affirmations. I already experienced the "vanishing" bit from people when my mom got diagnosed. The only thing that truly bothers me is that people continue to show no change in this aspect and they think it's okay to do this to others. It just seems so bizarre to me.

But then again, I already went through this at a young age, so I probably take for granted that I know how to deal, what to expect, and generally have a better understanding what something like this is like, so when I face it, MY response isn't to run away. Even then, I don't think my first reaction is to run off when there is something I cannot relate to. It just seems like such a weird, fucked way to respond to someone who may need help here and there, you know? Wouldn't one's conscience feel any ounce of guilt for deserting someone who might need help?

I think the blatant sheltering of kids over the past few generations hasn't helped much either. It's disturbing how often people cling to this notion of "positivity" and "negativity" in life, where "positivity" = "delusion" and "negativity" = "reality." How freaking sad is it that people see reality as a negative factor in their life and choose to keep delusional? When reality slaps you in the face, how can you cope with it when you have such a childish mindset toward life, you know?

But whatever. I'll be fine. Drugs and meaningless sex help with the coping process.

Posted by Sugarfoot
Selfishness.

The phrase,"I don't want to see them that way. I want to remember them in the happy and healthy times" says it all to me. People are too involved with their own feelings to give a crap about anyone else's.

Yeah that definitely seems to be a common conclusion. Decades of "me" centric thinking has led to this trend. I had friends respond with "THIS MAKES ME SO SAD" when they found out about my mom. Not "Oh, that's so sad, I'm sorry," or "I'm so sad for you," but "This makes ME sad!"

Wow, okay. Because I'm the one suffering from this directly... I get what they meant, but the wording was really interesting to observe.

Posted by GENERALIZOD
i've always taken time outs from the social life to improve myself. i got used to it from sports i think. i take months off train or learn a martial art. i don't usually have contact with anyone except my parents during those instances and that's because i had to call them to send someone to pick me up at the airport or bus station. i don't do it as much now so that was in my teens. i might do it this year though i'm preparing to live on the beach for 3 months starting around may.
....

blab blab aries mercury hope some of that makes sense.

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(cut for length)

Reading over this tells me that a lot of this is your age and generation. I'm seeing a lot of "I don't care about anyone but myself" mentality here. You do realize that you're speaking of others as if they're commodities and conveniences in your life right? Not angry or accusatory, just noticing a trend here.

Posted by tiziani
I've lost parents and spoken people who have, it really doesn't matter what approach people take as neither will mask the fact you really are on your own at times like these. These aren't the kind of "needs" that a friend can take care of

^^^ this

Posted by DwellingOnMove

Posted by tiziani
I've lost parents and spoken people who have, it really doesn't matter what approach people take as neither will mask the fact you really are on your own at times like these. These aren't the kind of "needs" that a friend can take care of

^^^ this

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Tiz always provides the fucked up/skewed perspective. Wonder how many shrooms he smokes a day.

Your caps lock amuses me

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by tiziani
I've lost parents and spoken people who have, it really doesn't matter what approach people take as neither will mask the fact you really are on your own at times like these. These aren't the kind of "needs" that a friend can take care of

Ya I agree with this, and I know I would be behaving the same way of the theory I mentioned. Plus I don't think grieving is a public thing, but something private. I don't think people want to be around people who are sad all the time. You can only offer so much, as a friend, and even then the person grieving really does need to work through their own emotions. You can be there when they want to talk, but really life does go on and not everyone can put their life on hold and be a consistent reliable source. I just think that's reality. I know I can't rely on everyone because life has to happen to them too.

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I'll elaborate further later on when I get home, but have you personally dealt with the loss of a parent?

Any reaction is their truth at that time. I had some do the disappearance even after losing a parent. Take in the information for what it means to you, because you know them best and if they can not do funerals, emotions or the like. I have a friend who did not come to the funeral because this person does not go to funerals. But they called and checked on me often outside of that to see how I was doing.

Posted by size zero superhero
😢 I recall you mentioning that your mom had been critically ill on the forum, within the past year or two. I'm sorry to hear she didn't make it & for your loss, rocky.

Thank you. 🙂

Regarding friends/death/moral support; if an "inner-circle" friend(versus a fair-weather acquaintance)is faced with the recent death of parents or immediate family members, I would reach out & offer support without a second thought, and have done so in the past. Especially if I knew the recently deceased party personally, I'll offer to be as involved as the friend needs, attend the memorial service or offer my guest room to them for a while if they don't want to be alone, or don't have any surviving family nearby(or at all).

See, this is what I see as a normal response from friends. It's how I was raised and my parents were the same to those around them who ever went through anything like this. It's why it comes off so odd to me that people who are supposed to be friends would pull this crap. It's pretty disgraceful and it's even sadder that people justify NOT doing any of this by some twisted sense of thinking.

With acquaintances, I feel it's best to keep condolences short & sweet. Don't want to make them feel like I'm putting on a theatrical insincere sympathy show as a knee-jerk response. That's generally disrespectful & in poor taste. But I assume you're not expecting much from acquaintance-type people & are referring to closer companions in this thread anyway.

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I'm not. Personally, I consider some sort of leeway since everyone ELSE handles dealing with this stuff differently. The one friend I mentioned acts more like an acquaintance than a friend, which is why I was surprised by the support that was given. However, like you've mentioned, maybe it was an over the top act and the behavior I'm seeing now is the true form.

In which case, they may not want to engage in any way that might disturb you & cause you to feel worse in the immediate aftermath...assuming they'd want others to allow them space if in the same position as you(or DID need solitude following the death of their loved one in the past).

I've noticed this too. I actually feel bad for telling people when they ask because with many, the last they knew of, my mom was doing okay. So they ask about her and I almost cringe having to give the news because of THEIR reaction. I don't want them feeling bad for asking because they shouldn't feel bad. I don't mind that they asked, death is not dun dun dun taboo or anything. I actually reassure them that asking me doesn't hurt me in any way so please do not feel bad for asking. It is what it is.

Posted by Arielle83


Ya I agree with this, and I know I would be behaving the same way of the theory I mentioned. Plus I don't think grieving is a public thing, but something private. I don't think people want to be around people who are sad all the time. You can only offer so much, as a friend, and even then the person grieving really does need to work through their own emotions. You can be there when they want to talk, but really life does go on and not everyone can put their life on hold and be a consistent reliable source. I just think that's reality. I know I can't rely on everyone because life has to happen to them too.

And to further elaborate, this entire blurb screams "I have never dealt with anything like this before." Why? Why would you think that someone who is dealing with a death is "sad all the time?" What planet do you live on where this is the standard of those who have lost someone? In my experience, most people that I've known don't go around "sad all the time." They may have moments but usually, you cannot really tell what's going on with them. Hell, my coworkers tell me that they think I seem to be handling everything fine. I generally am okay but only because I don't think about it much because I'm working/doing other things to keep me occupied. But when I'm by myself and things sink in is when it gets to me.

But going around "sad all the time?" No. Doesn't work like that.

Nobody expects others to put their lives on hold for the sake of condolences.

These generalizations that are being made about the subject is why this phenomenon happens, really. It's a lot of ignorance and fear of facing something like this. All it can take is a simple "How you doing?" That statement alone speaks volumes to someone in a time like this and helps a whole hell of a lot more than you'd realize. This is why this strange phenomenon is stumping psychologists and I find it really strange. I mean really, is asking someone how they're doing really that much of an inconvenience/too harsh of a reality that justifying running away for your emotional needs is okay?

Along with resources for those who are coping with death of a loved one are also resources for friends and family who have a friend/family member who are coping with the death of a loved one and how to approach it/know what to expect when someone is suffering a loss.

...I find it disturbing that Tiz thinks that his sister's crying in front of their mom was inappropriate.

Unless his sister made their mom's situation about her, then it makes sense. But the response to such diagnosis is going to have differing reactions, and crying isn't out of the ordinary.

I know that everyone reacts differently and I agree that your sister was out of line for accusing you of that bs. Everyone has their own way of coping, and as long as they aren't doing something that harms their wellbeing or something self destructive, to each their own.

But you and Tiz aren't any better by implying that her crying is inappropriate either, you know? Or that "publicly" dealing with it is wrong. Everyone deals with it differently. A cancer diagnosis scares just about anyone because of the instant thoughts of "omg dead." Crying is understandable. Not crying is understandable. Hell, I didn't cry when my mom was first diagnosed. I did cry when it metastasized to something more serious.

His sister reserves the right to be scared and want to cry. Just like your sister did. Just like you didn't. Just like he didn't.

I understand where both of you are coming from, but you both are also contradicting yourselves in your accounts of how you deal. It sounds as if you're both criticizing those who are openly emotional just because they aren't emotionally "closed off" like you are... which is what they were doing to you for being emotionally closed off.

Yes, I know.

Posted by lisabethur8
i usually don't count on friends too much, i dont have even a few, only one gf and she got married and moved far away. (she got married and i was there for her wedding no matter what, but i can tell she was saddened when one of her aunts didnt show up, because her aunt and her grandmother have this deep rift. Even the rift was STRONGER than being there for her niece). Anyway, i dont like bringing her into my misery if something happened in my life, i keep alot to myself. (i've Always been this way even when i was with my ex's, i'm very secretive w/my very deep feelings and dont wanna bother others)

family is the only thing/circle that we can trust. My husband does have a couple of very close friends he can trust that would be there for him to the end though, he has more than me, and he only has a small amount. we have discovered that when there are family members who have passed away, we know who will be there for us, no matter what.

there are good people out there, dont give up hope.

That was beautiful 🙂