Cancer friend always negative

My cancer friend always has negative things to say. I call her up say 'how ya doing?' she comes back with I'm not feeling good...my shoulder hurts from that injury a while back...I stumped my toe now it's broken....I have endometriosis and it hurts...I just had an ovary cyst burst.... I caught my husband flirting on-line with a floozy...I lost a kid in my day care (less money coming in)...my a/c is on the fritz...

Sooooo negative and soooo poor pitiful me. I understand people have hardships. But it's always something...or drama...

It's come to the point I don't even want to talk to her anymore. But I soldier on. I listen. I sympanthize.

It just, if I call with good news of something in my life, I feel guilty because her life is so bad. So I just end up not sharing with her. I feel a drift. She's always been one of my best friends, and I want to share all the good things in my life with her. She's one of those friends you call first when you get good news. But the drift is happening because I feel like I can't share good news because when she's got so much bad stuff going on, it feels like I'd be rubbing it in. So I talk with her about her bad news and feelings and repress my good news.

How can I cheer her up? Everything I try to say to be supportive or helpful meets a downtrodden response. Nothing I say to cheer her up helps.

It's ruining our friendship.

I think she's thriving on the drama and the negative...looking for attention? or validation? or really depressed?

Help!!!!

TrueCap, a Cancer will always be happy for you, even when she's feeling down. You shouldn't stop yourself from telling her your good news!! If anything, that in itself, will boost her negative feelings. If you've been good friends for a long time, as you say, then she won't be envious, she'll be pleased when good things happen for you.

Another important thing to remember is that she can not be like you. As a cancer, her nature is different. As a Cap, you are a fighter, a go-getter. As a cancer, she is a nurturer and sensitive. Somewhere along the road of life, her nature must have appealed to you or you wouldn't consider her such a good friend. So accept her nature, embrace it. Allow you to be you and her to be her.

When she tells you how she's REALLY feeling. It's not about drama, attention, or anything of the like. She doesn't want you to FIX things. She's just sharing HONESTLY with a close friend. A bit of sympathy would no doubt be welcome, but that's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Isn't your friend CluelessCancer by the way?

I have cancer sun and cancer moon friends. People say they're whiney but I don't always see it that way. Like when you ask how they're doing and they reply truthfully, it's just them merely stating what's actually going on. Of course there would be times that it'd be negative. If sometimes you feel like it'd always negative, it's because people tend to notice negative issues a lot more and it impacts them a lot more.

I don't think it's being dramatic or just wanting attention. It's just them being open to you. You can still share anything great/good that's happening to you and they'll be happy about it because they're your friend.

Just be loving, attentive and supportive. Listen without judgment. Try to understand why they feel the way they do and see it from their perspective. They do need positive people around them. That lifts their mood.

This sounds exactly like me and my bff cap. When everything is going shit in my life I need one person, SOMEONE I don't have to put a fake face of happiness on for. I just need to know someone has heard me, it's not about wanting her to fix anything or just wanting to be dramatic. I've never understood why people say "needs attention" like its such an awful horrible thing. Yes people do need attention, to feel acknowledged and noticed.

Sometimes I know in my heart of hearts she feels like you do about it, and I end up avoiding her so I don't have to bring her down.
One thing I do know for sure is that when her life is doing really well (and it seems like it usually is)I am genuinely so happy for her and to hear about it. There is never not even the tiniest bit of jealousy or envy or negativity towards that.

Posted by SpiceNSugar
TrueCap, a Cancer will always be happy for you, even when she's feeling down. You shouldn't stop yourself from telling her your good news!! If anything, that in itself, will boost her negative feelings. If you've been good friends for a long time, as you say, then she won't be envious, she'll be pleased when good things happen for you.

Another important thing to remember is that she can not be like you. As a cancer, her nature is different. As a Cap, you are a fighter, a go-getter. As a cancer, she is a nurturer and sensitive. Somewhere along the road of life, her nature must have appealed to you or you wouldn't consider her such a good friend. So accept her nature, embrace it. Allow you to be you and her to be her.

When she tells you how she's REALLY feeling. It's not about drama, attention, or anything of the like. She doesn't want you to FIX things. She's just sharing HONESTLY with a close friend. A bit of sympathy would no doubt be welcome, but that's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

^ this is so perfectly accurate. I mean really really spot on.

^i agree with this so much and all other answers.

Also I see another thing with my cancer that people get confused with. When a cancer opens up to you in this way they are not looking for sympathy. They are strong enough to keep themselves from cracking. It's that they give so much of themselves to others and at the end of the day they want that someone special to be able to rest their head on their shoulder and for once be the one who is receiving the love and attention. If they don't think of you to be special enough for you, they will NEVER let you see them during their weak moments when they feel hurt or angry or tired or stupid or scared or needy or whatever the fuck. That one person who is always helping everyone else with their problems and always seems to be "on" for everybody but that you see never rests or never does much for themselves is probably a cancer. So when they open up to you that way they're letting you into their hearts and actually allowing themselves to e vulnerable. And cancers aren't jealous people they will be happy for you. Also if they open up to you and you feel burdened or if you make them regret it they will never do it again or will shut you out to that part of them. They don't like being other people's problems they like fixing them. This is why they seem to always be in drama because they are always getting in the middle of things or asked to get in the middle of things and get involved in more shit than the average.

What do you do if your cancer friend is only negative in front of you for a good part of the year! Never a positive thing to say... Everything is bad - everyone is out to get them! You try and try to be there but the negativity gets to you. Be supportive - yes - done that! Be understanding - done that! Just listen - done that! But then you realize that the happy side is for all to see and you just get to see the sad side at all time. The depression starts dragging you down. Your own positivity starts suffering. And then this friend turns around and starts giving you the cold shoulder - what does it mean then? Ive done all i could but im done being treated like a door mat.

^find another friend, she's a shitty person. Or it's something you did that made her that way. She's singling you out for a reason. Negative how? What actions?

Starchild - its things like on a good day focusing on the bad aspects of the day. If its a good business day instead of being happy about what a wonderful day its been its always about focusing on what went wrong. If the days bright - its too hot. If its raining - its too dreary. If hes down with a cold - its like the whole world is against me because im coughing. Nobody cares about me, nobody stays in touch with me, my friends depress me they dont tell me whats going on. Im too busy to do anything or contact people - they should understand - but then - no one contacts me! Wow... Telling him im there for him is like he doesnt hear. And then he says i dont understand him. Its never his fault, even when its plain for all to see. I tried but i have been strong for several months now. Im not his psychiatrist nor his punching bag. And guess what because i dont talk he wont either - like its my fault for abandoning him. So be it! Im not running behind him - he has friends and is happy with them. Im glad.. but i just dont want this drama in my life.

Star, tell your cancer friend how you feel and tell him what you need from him. He may not even see it the same way you see it. Same with my cancer. She lives in la la world and doesn't easily connect with what's common sense or what's right in front of her face. When she explains shit to me then I have those 'OOHHHH so THATS what you see' moments and her perspective oddly makes sense. She sees the world in different lenses.

Thanks Starchild - i have tried telling him - but its like he just doesnt care. Like i read somewhere...I'm not afraid to try again, I'm just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason. Its like he thrives on misery and being self-centered. My friends tell me that i have the patience of a saint when it comes to him but... Im drained.
Thanks for listening though - i just wanted to vent - it just comes in spurts when i remember him (which is quite often) - its been quite sometime that i have spoken to him but hes really impacted me adversely. And destroyed my self esteem. I know i will get around this :-)

Just talk to him. Chances are he thinks the same way about you.

Starchild - your way of thinking reminds me of myself until a couple of months back. I love the empathy and i hope you never lose that 🙂
With regards to my friend - im absolutely certain that he misses me - but hes pushed me a bit too far. Every time it was me who was understanding but with him - its either his way or the highway! Its his choice and his loss - his highway is going to be one lonely road if he keeps this attitude. As they say "you can take a horse to the water but you cant make it drink!" There are plenty of people in this world who are genuinely downtrodden and who still dont make a sound. Yeah there will be times when i will longingly look back at those days and miss them... But he needs to step out of his self inflicted misery. I need to move on and hope that one day... Yes one day... He will be back 🙂

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by BoomShakalakaBoom
Isn't your friend CluelessCancer by the way?

hahahhahahahhahahha seriously i was reading the op like damn that sounds like me.


look okay some crabs like to just live in their own puddle, you got to make them aware of their behavior.

For instance i said good morning to this CAP, she said wht put you in such a good mood, i said not a gad damn thing, just spreading kindness

lol

some of us just like living in that energy and if its not working for you. SPEAK up. OR MOVE ON

click to expand

😉

Posted by BoomShakalakaBoom
Isn't your friend CluelessCancer by the way?

It's a friend that is not on DXP.

Posted by CancerLeoDynamite
This sounds exactly like me and my bff cap. When everything is going shit in my life I need one person, SOMEONE I don't have to put a fake face of happiness on for. I just need to know someone has heard me, it's not about wanting her to fix anything or just wanting to be dramatic. I've never understood why people say "needs attention" like its such an awful horrible thing. Yes people do need attention, to feel acknowledged and noticed.

Sometimes I know in my heart of hearts she feels like you do about it, and I end up avoiding her so I don't have to bring her down.
One thing I do know for sure is that when her life is doing really well (and it seems like it usually is)I am genuinely so happy for her and to hear about it. There is never not even the tiniest bit of jealousy or envy or negativity towards that.

Thanks. And for the most part I don't mind her being honest with me. I actually respect it, it's just i was feeling guilty that good things are happening for me and they're not for her. So, I'll go ahead and share. Maybe it will uplift her spirits.
And I'll try more humor to make her smile. 🙂

Posted by StarChild63
Also I see another thing with my cancer that people get confused with. When a cancer opens up to you in this way they are not looking for sympathy. They are strong enough to keep themselves from cracking. It's that they give so much of themselves to others and at the end of the day they want that someone special to be able to rest their head on their shoulder and for once be the one who is receiving the love and attention. If they don't think of you to be special enough for you, they will NEVER let you see them during their weak moments when they feel hurt or angry or tired or stupid or scared or needy or whatever the fuck. That one person who is always helping everyone else with their problems and always seems to be "on" for everybody but that you see never rests or never does much for themselves is probably a cancer. So when they open up to you that way they're letting you into their hearts and actually allowing themselves to e vulnerable. And cancers aren't jealous people they will be happy for you. Also if they open up to you and you feel burdened or if you make them regret it they will never do it again or will shut you out to that part of them. They don't like being other people's problems they like fixing them. This is why they seem to always be in drama because they are always getting in the middle of things or asked to get in the middle of things and get involved in more shit than the average.

I like fixing other people's problems, too. Maybe it's that I can't that bothers me.

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by BoomShakalakaBoom
Isn't your friend CluelessCancer by the way?

hahahhahahahhahahha seriously i was reading the op like damn that sounds like me.


look okay some crabs like to just live in their own puddle, you got to make them aware of their behavior.

For instance i said good morning to this CAP, she said wht put you in such a good mood, i said not a gad damn thing, just spreading kindness

lol

some of us just like living in that energy and if its not working for you. SPEAK up. OR MOVE ON

click to expand

She used to be so funny and fun and up for anything. Liked spreading joy, love, etc. Of course, everyone has down days, but hers has been going on for a long time.

Posted by truecap

Posted by BoomShakalakaBoom
Isn't your friend CluelessCancer by the way?

It's a friend that is not on DXP.

click to expand

Well duh, dont take yourself so seriously 😛

True cap, fist bump. Star, sorry but that's one sad ass reason to let your love get away. My cancer is in love with the other aqua dude but from the shit that goes in between them, most people would think she's playing him or she hates him. But that's so far from the truth. She said she never loved another man like that before but it's weird because she gets him in the most dramatic shit you could think of. But they're both stubborn and will probably never be together because of that. And that makes it easier for me to win her over. She said she confessed her feelings awhile back and he rejected her bit when he came back around and confessed his feeling for her she rejected him because she didn't believe him and thought he was messing with her head. It's sort of a sad love story where both end up with pain. And don't think your dude will come back to you if you just let him off his leash and hope he'll come back later. From my experience cancers will move on to the next romantic adventure even if it hurts them to their bones. You will only know this if the cancer lets you in on their deep thoughts or feelings.That's how my cancer is. I had to learn the hard way. When she used to give me the cold shoulder I just felt like telling her to fuck off bit then when she slipped up and showed me how hurt she was when I thought I should be the hurt one I just learned how to handle her. When she gives me the cold shoulder I press harder and keep loving her until she laughs at me and then opens up wider than before. This is another reason why I know I'll have her.

:-) Starchild - i think therein lies the confusion - hes not my love but i love him as my dearest friend. He has his life and i have my own and im content with mine.
He's like a little child - stubborn and self-righteous. Snubbing and giving the silent treatment - yes he doesnt behave like any mature adult would do.
I did go after him to hold my fship - But running behind him for the good part of a year did nothing else but tire me out.
Each person needs to learn for themselves. Sometimes you make the right choices and at others you dont. We just need to ensure that our actions dont hurt anyone else. Lifes too short to live in the past.
If he wants to move on - so be it... It hurts but... Well... Thats life - you cant have everything :-)

Having a dearest friend is having a love. But if that's the case just say fuck it and keep it moving. Do you know the reason for his behavior? Or does he really act childish and stubborn or is that just the way you see it? Why did he say he wanted to move on? I learned this through life with my cancer/ no matter how old or young or smart or pretty or strong or whatnot you are, emotions still get the better of you and causes you to act stupidly. Especially hurtful ones. And sometimes just the most basic words can change an entire situation.

Starchild - i agree - the heart overflows with love and it flows out thru the eyes (a bit dramatic there - lol)
He has been this way through all his interactions - even when he was upset with someone else he would not interact with me.
He didnt say that he wanted to move on - i did! - the drama got too much for me... The efforts were lopsided. The behavior was too selfish and negative.
There comes a time when you need to decide where to draw a line - because... Sometimes love just isnt enough...

Did you talk to him about it? What if it was a misunderstanding that made him hurt and then he gave the cold shoulder and then you decided to leave him and the friendship? People need to learn how to talk to people. It really works.

Yes i did - not once or twice but several times! I was putting myself out there - being there, understanding him. When he felt all alone and depressed... I listened. I empathized with him. Shook him out of his misery... But yes i wasnt always sugar sweet... He needed occasional jolts as well. Thats what friends do.
I had to walk around him on egg shells on several occasions but friendship permits you to be you. Being pretentious means that you are not being yourself.
So yes, i understood his ins and outs, his ups and downs. I asked when he was down and followed through! I cared! But it wasnt enough.

He just sounds like a shitty insecure person. What was is complaint/problem with you or what was going on in his life?

My point exactly. I dont know - i have asked him if there was but he just insisted that there was too much going on. It was a case of guess how im feeling today. He wasnt always this way. At the beginning he was charming and things were amazing but when things went downhill it was like he just spiralled. Without reason he started intentionally sabotaging a good friendship. Insecurity - he gives the impression of being very confident and is doing very well for himself but his actions just dont seem to fit it. The silent treatment was just ridiculous. Apologizing (without reason) just to have some semblance of peace felt like a wasted effort. Thats when i came here for answers but it hasnt helped😢

If you care about dude enough you would figure out what made him spiral and force him out of that negative spin. That's what I go through with my cancer but it'll get better but you have to open up all the way first. It's like she doesn't want to have ask for help or for her to tell me to notice something in order for me to realize when she's hurt or scared or lonely she just expects me to know her well enough to notice something's wrong and then just force myself on her and fix it for her. I don't know why she does this. And if I don't figure out her feelings are hurt she's different towards me. but i find it hard to tell the difference between her being hurt or her giving me the cold shoulder or her just being herself.

When you show that you love them enough to cater to them then they will open up and let you in the inside of their "shell". But once you're inside things are great from there. She'll keep opening up to you and you'll get to see all of those deep layers of her and you will just fall more in live with her.

Or him. Sorry I was daydreaming

Haha - no worries i can see that you are quite smitten by her. Keep that positivity 🙂

As for my story...
Believe me - I would love to do just that. But it took me several months to realize that there was no communication. I felt like i had overstayed my welcome. My dignity and self respect took a beating. Negativity is unhealthy and he was dragging me through hell.
As they say sometimes you have to make a choice to love from a distance before things get too toxic. He has to want to make things better.

He might want to but can't. Doesn't know how or feels you don't want to.

I dont know how else to spell it out to him. I have tried enough number of times - i guess the only option is to write it out it blood (but am not interested in that 🙂 ) Im not quite sure if its just him or because he is easily influenced by his friends who are mainly girls. If someone is so easily swayed by the opinions of others - do i really want to be a pawn? I love him as a friend - i really do BUT i dont like his actions. I have played his game for way too long. A part of me wants to crawl back but i have been broken so often that i now want to have things on my own terms. He never tried to hold on that alone speaks volumes. Inspite of everything - i wish him all the best - with or without me though i always will wish it is WITH! 🙂